1 year later, right back where I started...

[beachbum84]

So over the weekend he was an amazing H, and a joy to be with. Once the work week started, he and I started our little bickering. But were able to quickly pull it back inline, never allowing it to go to far, and were able to resolve the differences quickly. Okay, I can handle that. That's to be expected with all the stress and lack of time with each other.

 

But then, yesterday, well I don't know where we stand after yesterday.

 

He slowly stopped calling me, or talking to me this week, and I kept reminding him that if I don't get to see him b/c of our work schedules I need to hear from him. Not in a controlling manner, just in a I miss you and need to know you miss me kind of a way. Well after not hearing from him I gave him a call. He was rude, snippy, had nothing positive to say and then I just lost it. After hearing him say again, "What do you want from me, I'm working 2 jobs, I don't have time for you. I didn't want to call you, I wanted to sleep. But then you have to call and wake me up."

 

aarrgghh.. Okay so needless to say that set me off and we had a yelling match over the phone. An hour later when I got off of work I tried to call him back to see if we could just reconcile that past convo, b/c it really hurts that he only wants to or can only "be" a weekend H. Again I hear the same things. You woke me up. I'm tired. I don't want to talk, I want to sleep. I am too busy to be calling you. What do you want from me?

 

It ate at me the rest of the night. How could he be so sensitive, so caring, so interested in me, so concerned about my feelings last weekend, and once life gets hectic he just cuts me off. Its like he just clocks out from me. WTH. He woke me up with commotion when he tried to come to bed this morning at 3:30 and I simply asked him if he had an revelations or epiphanys since we last talked. Hoping he'd realize how hurtful he was, and how he was just going back to his old ways and digging down deep and refusing to care.

 

All I got was more about how I don't care about how tired he is, I need too much, I don't show compassion to him, and that he wouldn't have time for me until Saturday when he got off of work in the afternoon. "thats just how it is sometimes". Okay so now I'm steaming, and my own issues complicate the matter. I just couldn't let it go, I harped and harped and we escalated it and were screaming, and yelling, and we both were following each other around the house just freaking out. Then I told him to just get his crap and go to his mom's. And he did. Then I freaked, I don't know why. I run out there and told him to just come in and stay on the couch, no sense in getting his parents involved if we are able to work it out. He peels out, then comes back. We exchange more hurtful, nasty put downs, and go to bed. I tossed and turned had horrible dreams for the following 2 hours before we had to be up again. I kept having the same dream that he was cheating on me with the same dirty skank my ex cheated on me with, and they were all over each other, and we were just fighting and screaming in my dream. I woke up so stressed. I have stomach ulcers and they had flared up. I was puking all morning as I was trying to get DD in her costume for her Halloween party at daycare. All he did was argue more with me this morning.

 

So where do we go from here? I'm not innocent I know this. I wish I wouldn't lose my cool when we are having disagreements. Why does he not care that his actions rip me apart. And when I try to calmly tell him, why doesn't he get it that, at that point, that's when I need to be shown his compassion, and remorse. When my heart is bleeding and he doesn't care I just snap. I know I need to get a grip on that. I need to learn to handle things better. At times I feel we are just toxic for each other. I don't even get why I pulled him back last night. Why was I scared all of a sudden? I know it will take time for our relationship to start to heal, and for us both to learn new behavioral patterns. But how do I cope and find my center when things are in one of those backsliding moments? I get so freaked out that things are going right back to crap that I just push and push for a resolution. Its like I just want to know if this is just a vicious cycle and we'll always be toxic and live like this, or if this is just the scary road out of the woods, and it will just get ugly sometimes, but eventually return to good. I am so overwhelmed, lost, and just rethinking everything we agreed upon last weekend. ugh.

[goingstrong]

BB84,

 

After reading all that you have written...you're a very prolific and quite the competent writer, and all of the responses, I can only see one thing that has not been said. You are the enabler in this relationship, and he is doing what he is doing because YOU allow him too. He is stringing you along by straightening his act up for a while, pulling you back to him, and then wandering back to his old ways while you're patiently waiting for him to grow up. You have indicated the logistics and the hardships you would have to endure if you left him, but you have to lay down the terms and make him stick to them or you will be writing in 10 yrs about how you wasted 15 + of the prime years of your life with him. Times a wastin...

[beachbum84]

What you say makes total sense. I feel and fear the same. I just don't know how to muster it up and just do it. I've laid it out, but how to I "enforce" it. Thats where I struggle. I just get overly emotional / angry, & freak out and the results are less than desirable. I have no clue how to better handle this. My mind is ready to cut and run, but when it comes right down to it my heart just can't do it yet. Is it due to fear of the future, or b/c I truly love him that much, or just a mixture of the 2?

 

I feel so screwed up. I feel like now I can't **** or get off the damn pot. Thanks for your response, b/c I know a lot of this lies in or on me. How long do you just wait though before you realize its a toxic mess that isn't salvageable? I am scared to jump the gun, but I also am scared to just be strung along like you said. I know its not going to magically get better with one good convo, one good date, one good weekend. How do you cope through the fixing process? It feels like our foundation is solid but our structure is dilapidated and we are demoing right now. But its a painful process and I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to weather this process. Or maybe that is just my physcho way of convincing myself to stay a little longer. :-(

[goingstrong]

Wow I fee for you BB. I am not one to give a lot of sympathy on this forum, but you sound intelligent, well grounded(common sense), well read, and faithful..a rare combo. Okay, let me appeal to your intelligence and present it as a boolean logic situation. Do a modified 180... act and mentally move on with your life without him, and this will

 

a. Convince him that you really are done with him and if he wants anything further relationship with you then he will have to start to grow and man up in the relationship.

 

-or-

 

b. Convince yourself that you can live without him and do better in your life...and thrive.

 

Either result is positive, hence good for you and your DD. If you're half as intelligent and motivated as you sound in your post, then you will do well.

 

Even though you're in control of the relationship, you cannot change him, you can only change how you react to him which will give him the choice to change himself.

Edited October 29, 2010 by goingstrong

[shmuelik]

Wow I fee for you BB. I am not one to give a lot of sympathy on this forum, but you sound intelligent, well grounded(common sense), well read, and faithful..a rare combo. Okay, let me appeal to your intelligence and present it as a boolean logic situation. Do a modified 180... act and mentally move on with your life without him, and this will

 

a. Convince him that you really are done with him and if he wants anything further relationship with you then he will have to start to grow and man up in the relationship.

 

-or-

 

b. Convince yourself that you can live without him and do better in your life...and thrive.

 

Either result is positive, hence good for you and your DD. If you're half as intelligent and motivated as you sound in your post, then you will do well.

 

Even though you're in control of the relationship, you cannot change him, you can only change how you react to him which will give him the choice to change himself.

 

Great advise goingstrong.

 

beachbum84 the thing is that most marriage failures are men made and I'm talking as a man. I almost screwed my own marriage till I was able to completely turn it around and I understood that I have it in my own hands because naturally women are/want to follow their husbands. THey don't need to be corrected or criticized, we men need to listen, we need to cherish, support them in what our wives are doing and need to make them #1 in our lives.

But if the husband doesn't know how to be a man (not macho) and a family leader its very difficult.

I think what goingstrong suggests is right and you can't change a person what the person is not. Though he has shown for a day (as you wrote) that your husband can put himself together.

 

If I would be in your shoes I would pack my stuff take your daughter and move on without him.

If he is coming to you and pleads and begs, show him this here, thats what he needs to change (http://www.yes-my-wife.com).

You leave and if he is able to understand whats written there then you have a chance. If he argues and defends himself and tells you that you are also responsible for your marriages failure then you know he is not able (at the moment) to change and you can move on in your life.

 

Often this rip changes men dramatically especially if they take their wife for granted what I think 95% of men do. I think men have to change so that women can thrive and reach their potential and by that they will become who we want them to be and thats good for both.

 

Let us know how its going.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Plus we have a 3 yr old. I would hate for her to be the kid shuffled around constantly between 2 homes.

 

I understand the bulk of your current situation, and I feel for you! But this constant worry or doubt over your Daughter is getting worn out like a well broken in rug. Unlike my other long winded post here on L.S., I will try to break this down as simply as I can.

 

Have you ever flown in an air plane? Have you booked a flight on a National or World Wide airline? If you have than please review the following....

 

The Flight Attendant is speaking.........

 

Ladies & Gentlemen if there is a sudden decompression of the cabin, in flight, you will notice yellow colored oxygen masks will fall from the compartments above. Please "parents" we know you will want to tend to your child first, but please refrain form that, and put your mask on "first" before attending to your child!

 

Why do you think our Nations air lines have those rules in place, as far as the yellow colored masks that will fall from above? I think I might have your answer, if the "parent" doesn't take care of themselves, more than likely they will not be able to take care of their own child sitting in the next seat. If you don't take good care of yourself, and put yourself "first" than what good will you be to your own Daughter now, or down the road. Treat your life right now as if your sitting on-board a jumbo jet, getting the spill from the flight attendant, listen to the common sense those attendants make when talking. Everything they say is simple, justified, scientifically proven, logical and makes sense.

 

So take that yellow colored oxygen mask, put it on your face and start to breath in that fresh air and then tend to your child's needs.

 

Yellow Colored Mask On You First = Divorce, Moving out, getting on with your life, finding new horizons, putting yourself number one, and being there for your child.

 

Yellow Colored Mask On Child, Second = New home, new life, an escape from the negative, new friends to make, new schools to attend, more importantly a happier and healthier Mother.

 

I'm not going to go into anything about your so called Husband, other than to say it sounds like he is pretty set in his ways, even if those ways destabilize a marriage. Also one more thing, by the lack of proper Husband like attention, that you are not getting from him, have you ever thought that he could be giving away the "best of him" to an "other woman"? Sounds like classic "affair" or "cheating" material if you ask me.

Edited October 31, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[blizzard]

You worry about your daughter. And I understand that. When you are solely the one responsible for making such a life changing decision. My husband says if I divorce him it will devast their little lives...I will be at fault for dividing our family. It's the biggest guilt trip you have ever felt in your life.

 

And you have probably gotten the same advice as I have, "Work it out for the children's sake." Many have voiced that if your husband doesn't cheat, hit you, drink, and is home every night be thankful...stay in your marriage. I have heard how ugly divorce is for the children. I have heard that you should stay under the same roof if you aren't physically violent with one another and shouting matches are kept at bay. I am staying for all these reasons, but how do you do it forever?

 

You are probably shaking in your boots, trying to make rationale decision under confusing circumstances. I don't want to hurt anyone. Not even my husband. I just know that I am empty. Even though I am responsible for making myself happy... one's marriage shouldn't be stealing it away.

 

Leaving is the biggest decision to make. It affects everyone. And you are the sole person to decide...so yes, I understand your hesitation.

 

My husband has started trying again. With nice words, offering with housework...but there is still something missing that he can't give back...the emotional connection. The bond. It's just no longer there.

Edited November 1, 2010 by blizzard

[beachbum84]

Wow I fee for you BB. I am not one to give a lot of sympathy on this forum, but you sound intelligent, well grounded(common sense), well read, and faithful..a rare combo. Okay, let me appeal to your intelligence and present it as a boolean logic situation. Do a modified 180... act and mentally move on with your life without him, and this will

 

 

Even though you're in control of the relationship, you cannot change him, you can only change how you react to him which will give him the choice to change himself.

 

 

Well I appreciate the compliments, and the good advice. I couldn't help but agree with what you wrote that I bolded. I read it over and over.

 

So when I made it clear to him that I was needing and wanting some marital relations at some point this weekend, and he totally stiffed me again, I decided not to fight about it. I just went back to our room, locked the door, and put on new lingerie, 6 inch heels, did my hair and make-up real quick, and came back out to only go to the kitchen to make a snack. Wow how fast he got off that couch.

 

So then as childish as it was of me, I gave him a taste of his own medicine. Now that I knew he wanted it, I just continued to ignore him, making my snack, going out for a smoke, and sat down to watch tv with him. He was not amused, frustrasted to say the least. Yet kept following me around like a lost dog.

 

Then while he was practically drooling I told him that he's probably not the only man who'd jump off a couch and follow me around. He didn't really appreciate hearing that. I took that opportunity to tell him that I didn't understand why he shunned me in that dept, when obviously I still turned his head. He had no answer. So I just used a lot of "I" statements with how it made me feel when he ignored me in that dept, and how detrimental it is to our marriage. Then all of a sudden he says he gets it, I doubt he fully does. But he at least got a small taste of how it feels to have what you want withheld from you.

 

I felt good in the end, I didn't yell, or cry. I felt so in control of myself, and I think that added to his frustration that I could not only do something like that, but be so calm about it.

[beachbum84]

Also one more thing, by the lack of proper Husband like attention, that you are not getting from him, have you ever thought that he could be giving away the "best of him" to an "other woman"? Sounds like classic "affair" or "cheating" material if you ask me.

 

Um, I know everyone who is asked this is going to answer the same way, but I seriously don't think so. I mean from reading here so much, of course the symptoms matched so many others' stories, but I just don't think its possible here.

 

1. He works 2 jobs, and when he has days off he's home with us, so I don't think he has any time to have an affair.

 

2. I hate to sound judgemental, cold, or evil. But lets just say that he's got some "deal- breakers" going on right now that I think most girls would stay clear of. He has this degenerative Tooth Decay Diesease. And basically his teeth are just decaying super fast at an early age and they cannot stop it, fillings don't hold, and enamel just chips away. Almost 2 years ago 3 of his front teeth just literally broke in half while eating. He since had to have them removed and has a plate for time being.

 

Being his wife I've learned to not let that weird me out, but new girls... I doubt that young women are in a spot in their life where they are overlooking things like that. I know that must seem like a nasty thing for me to say.

 

 

But if he indeed is cheating on me, that would make this whole should I stay or go thing so much more clearer for me. B/c I may put up with a lot of stuff, but I don't stand for that. I'd definitely pack and go in a heartbeat if he was having an affair. And he knows this.

Edited November 2, 2010 by beachbum84

[tank]

Ihave to put in my 2 cents on this one. You have had some great advise, you have followed some of it and it worked. Then you backed down. I will say i love that you tortured him like that. You 180'd him for just a brief while and it worked, when he started sliding backwards, you followed and things went back to your old patterns. You cannot change him, you will only be able to change yourself.

 

Go back to the 180, he will catch on, he did the first time. The thing for you to do is stick with it. if he reverts, then you continue, dont point out what he is doing as wrong and that you will do so and so, just ignore the bad behaviour and the bad treatment of your marriage. Continue with the 180 and the personal growth. He expects you to fight back and have a big argument. That is what you have done til now. Stick to the plan. You obviously still have some desire to be with him, you still want him to give you the emotional support and the physical connection as well.

 

I have done everything wrong trying to fix my marriage, and I didnt always listen to advise given to me, I am now and I see what needs to be done.

 

This is about you first. Change you, he will either adapt and change himself of you will be so far ahead of him it will be easy to leave.

 

i will ask you to do one small thing that my wife never did for me. Support him, I know you have financially, he has made a lot of mistakes, but he is working 2 jobs, maybe not the best jobs, but in an economy when so many people are unemployed he is doing something. he's not sitting at home doing nothing. Im not saying tell him hes the best man in the world, but maybe tell him you understand he is trying to do his best, your proud that he is doing what he is doing. Then stick to the 180, oh and i might add, dress very attractively when around him to really heighten his senses. Either he will come around or he wont, but I have faith that all he needs is to feel appreciated by you and he will give you what you need.

[goingstrong]

So when I made it clear to him that I was needing and wanting some marital relations at some point this weekend, and he totally stiffed me again, I decided not to fight about it. I just went back to our room, locked the door, and put on new lingerie, 6 inch heels, did my hair and make-up real quick, and came back out to only go to the kitchen to make a snack. Wow how fast he got off that couch.

 

.

 

 

BB, what a riot!!! You threw him a curveball and he swung for it. It appears that your on to something...just hope he gets it before it is too late.

 

BTW, it does not sound like he is having an affair, but some other things in marriage are worse, such as dying the slow death that your marriage is doing.

[beachbum84]

Ihave to put in my 2 cents on this one. You have had some great advise, you have followed some of it and it worked. Then you backed down. I will say i love that you tortured him like that. You 180'd him for just a brief while and it worked, when he started sliding backwards, you followed and things went back to your old patterns. You cannot change him, you will only be able to change yourself.

 

Go back to the 180, he will catch on, he did the first time. The thing for you to do is stick with it. if he reverts, then you continue, dont point out what he is doing as wrong and that you will do so and so, just ignore the bad behaviour and the bad treatment of your marriage. Continue with the 180 and the personal growth. He expects you to fight back and have a big argument. That is what you have done til now. Stick to the plan. You obviously still have some desire to be with him, you still want him to give you the emotional support and the physical connection as well.

 

I have done everything wrong trying to fix my marriage, and I didnt always listen to advise given to me, I am now and I see what needs to be done.

 

This is about you first. Change you, he will either adapt and change himself of you will be so far ahead of him it will be easy to leave.

 

i will ask you to do one small thing that my wife never did for me. Support him, I know you have financially, he has made a lot of mistakes, but he is working 2 jobs, maybe not the best jobs, but in an economy when so many people are unemployed he is doing something. he's not sitting at home doing nothing. Im not saying tell him hes the best man in the world, but maybe tell him you understand he is trying to do his best, your proud that he is doing what he is doing. Then stick to the 180, oh and i might add, dress very attractively when around him to really heighten his senses. Either he will come around or he wont, but I have faith that all he needs is to feel appreciated by you and he will give you what you need.

 

I appreciate your advice. Here is where I am lost, or unsure. So the 180 (as brief as it was) briefly worked. So obviously I stopped too soon. But how long do you do the 180? When you start seeing progress, shouldn't you back off it? Or keep going with it? I have no idea what to do. Ignoring him, did seem to get his attention. But then it was all right back to square 1 a few days later.

 

One of my biggest problems when it comes to problem solving is I'm the type of person who beats a dead horse. Big flaw I know, working on it. So I'm worried that continuing the 180 while seeing improvement would be like beating a dead horse. Or am I wrong? I dunno. I don't get it I guess.

[goingstrong]

I appreciate your advice. Here is where I am lost, or unsure. So the 180 (as brief as it was) briefly worked. So obviously I stopped too soon. But how long do you do the 180? When you start seeing progress, shouldn't you back off it? Or keep going with it? I have no idea what to do. Ignoring him, did seem to get his attention. But then it was all right back to square 1 a few days later.

 

One of my biggest problems when it comes to problem solving is I'm the type of person who beats a dead horse. Big flaw I know, working on it. So I'm worried that continuing the 180 while seeing improvement would be like beating a dead horse. Or am I wrong? I dunno. I don't get it I guess.

 

Who says you have to back off. Look at the dress up maneuver as an trial run for yourself. My understanding about the 180, or any modifying of your behavior, is that is now a new way that you deal with that person or situation. Now, I am not saying to threaten to go out to get your physical needs met every time he turns you down...as amusing as that was....but to do the 180 with the other aspects of your relationship. The point of the 180 is to show to your partner that you're going to move on with or without them, and that you will do well.

[iheartboobs]

People gave you good advice. You did it, but as soon as it started working you stopped and now you're wondering why it stopped working? Think about what you're doing:

 

1. Everything is just the way he likes it

2. You change, now everything is different and scary

3. He promises you he'll change and makes token gestures

4. You go back to acting like you always did

5. He goes back to acting like he always did

6. Everything is just the way he likes it

 

You see where you're getting side-tracked? You want him to change permanently? Then you have to change permanently. He's still treating you like he always has because you're letting him. Quit it!

 

If everything goes back to normal the second he makes the smallest token gesture, then that's all he's ever going to make.

[beachbum84]

People gave you good advice. You did it, but as soon as it started working you stopped and now you're wondering why it stopped working? Think about what you're doing:

 

1. Everything is just the way he likes it

2. You change, now everything is different and scary

3. He promises you he'll change and makes token gestures

4. You go back to acting like you always did

5. He goes back to acting like he always did

6. Everything is just the way he likes it

 

You see where you're getting side-tracked? You want him to change permanently? Then you have to change permanently. He's still treating you like he always has because you're letting him. Quit it!

 

If everything goes back to normal the second he makes the smallest token gesture, then that's all he's ever going to make.

 

 

I can see that.

 

I guess I just was thinking that where I changed some things on my end, I changed things that bothered him. I guess I've always been there way too much for him. I'm afraid that if I change that, then that will just breed trouble. Kinda like good for an attention getter, but bad for a permanent change.

 

But as I type that its got me thinking that I'm just making excuses again. I think I know deep down that he will not change. He is the most unmotivated person I've ever met. And if I'm not there stroking his ego to keep him going, his mom quickly swoops in. So just as soon as I pull back, she'll rush in, and nothing will change. Except for the speed of this seemingly unavoidable divorce.

 

I feel like all this is at times is just mind games. I'm mentally exhausted from all of this. I just want a break. I'll keep trying the 180 starting again today, and this time around my motives are just to make and get peace for myself. Not ultimately to get his attention. We'll see. I'm sure he'll be so sorry in a few days and then I won't know what to do again. But maybe I'll just be able to stick with the program and find the strength to ignore the last minute "I'm so sorry", that are never sincere.

[beachbum84]

I am just so angry this week. I just don't feel like I want anything more from him anymore. Bad week, I guess. But I just feel like I have hit my breaking point. I've been awaiting a raise at work for a long time now. And it seems like it just may be coming my way finally. And as of yesterday all I can think about is how I'll have extra money to get my own place with daughter. Nothing wonderful, and nothing to be proud of, but I'd be out. I was so angry that I just wrote all my current feelings out in a journal last night, many pages worth. All my anger and hatred for him and his behavior everything I felt. I wrote out a list of the top 10 things he promised that haven't come true. I felt better after getting that out.

 

Then he scares me awake @ 2:20 am, he had read the journal, and was pissed. He was done. Obviously I just wanted nothing more to do with him and he's sick of it. So instead of feeling bad about it I found myself researching those apartments today at work, and running a budget minus his income. I'm so angry right now. I know that the second I move out it is set in stone. No turning back. That is why I was journaling to just get those angry feelings out. Not sure if that is what I really want, or what I feel is just going to happen b/c he will not change.

 

I fully expect I'll want to work at things in a few days. And I'm sick of that. I'm sick of feeling like I want nothing, and then want it to work out. I'm now just afraid that what I want from him, is something I'll never get from him. All this time I've already invested waiting for him to change just pisses me off. It was over a year ago when I first came here. Has it been long enough? How much longer should I give him? Have I done all I can? Is it time to say enough, is enough?

 

It makes me angry to think he's so stinkin stubborn and proud that he refuses to concede and back things up. I feel trapped now. I've allowed myself to get so angry and wrapped up in this situation that I can't seem to calm down. Seeing him makes me hot with hatred. But then when he's not around I feel lonely and I miss him.

 

This whole situation is so complicated. I don't even know what to think, what to feel, what to do. I feel completely screwed up. I want to take the advice given. But for some reason when the opportunity presents itself to implement those tactics I find myself so angry that all I want to do is fight back, put more distance in between us. I wish I wasn't so stupid and weak. I know that I need to pull back, back off, act as if I'm happy, act as if it doesn't bother me. Yet I'm so angry inside for how he doesn't care, and how he feels he can do and say whatever he wants.

 

Where does one find the strength to follow through with what they know they should do, instead of falling right back into the fighting and arguing?

 

God I've never felt this out of control of my own emotions, thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. I feel so screwed up right now. I feel like I've allowed this situation to go on too long. Why can't I just leave? What is it that keeps me here waiting, living in hell? aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

 

Sorry, really bad week. Just needed to vent I guess.

[goingstrong]

Keep writing here, instead of reconciling(settling).

[beachbum84]

I feel like Gunny was right. The only thing that will get his attention and enact a change from him is if I were to leave him completely. But how does that benefit us? I'd be gone.

 

All my friends are a 1,000 miles away back in MI, my bff down here just got married a few weeks ago. So obviously I don't talk to her about any of this. It wouldn't seem right. My dad probes a lot, we are very close. But I hate his advice. Leave him, he was a hillbilly poor choice of a husband. I've heard that over and over. Last year he was advocating a divorce, was sorely disappointed that I took him back. Since problems came to a head again, now all I get is, I told he was a worthless little boy. He's immature, he cannot be a husband, and he is a piss poor father. He loves you both, but that is the extent of his ability to take care of you both. He just constantly tellls me to just **** or get off the pot. leave him, leave him, leave him.

 

His mom's solution to everything is for me to be a better wife. He shouldn't be working 2 jobs right now. I should be. I should be supporting him more, I should be more understanding, I should get off my high horse.

 

I want to move out for like 2 months. I feel like I just can't do the 180 living under the same roof. But I also don't see how just moving this summer, and then moving out for a short time and then possibly back is giving my daughter any kind of stability at all. I feel like if I move out with her, it has to be for good. It can't be for a break, or it will just mess her up. She's sensing all of this though. Mommy why has daddy slept on the couch all week? Why did daddy not say goodbye to me? We pulled in the driveway as he was pulling out tonight. He was leaving early. I assume to avoid me, cool, but it didn't happen, we crossed paths. She saw him, and was excited. You think he stopped to say hi to her and to interact for 10 mins before going to work? Nope, just sped away. She was crying? Why did daddy not say bye to me mommy? Why does daddy not love me? I hate my daddy. He's so mean to you mommy, he's so mean to me mommy. He's never here anymore mommy, and when he is he's mean.

 

It broke my heart for her. I hate seeing her cry. I hate seeing him act like no one is important. How could he just leave like that after she saw him? Her window was down as was his and she was screaming Hi Daddy! He still just backed out and peeled off. I get that he's mad at me. I get he wants to avoid me. But her? Seriously? What did she do? She rarely sees him as it is, and he doesn't care. He doesn't call to tell her good night, although he's gone 5 nights a week. He doesn't interact with her much on weekends, either lets the tv entertain her or he's sleeping.

 

There truly has to be more to life than this. Why do I want this? What the hell am I fighting for? I feel like in some weird way subconsciously that I am sticking around for a change and a fix, or to see that it is broken beyond repair. Almost as if I can't leave until there is nothing left to stay for.

 

I think on Saturday I'm going to just try and be out and about with DD and just ignore him. He'll sleep forever if allowed, so we'll just leave in the morning and go to a zoo 2 hours away. It'll be fun. It'll get us out of the house, and maybe he'll realize that we aren't waiting around for him as much anymore. That we are going to live our lives too. He always wants to be a part of everything like that with her, but he never has the time, so he guilts me into not going unless he can go. Screw that. If he wanted to go he'd make himself available. I think I'll just leave with no note, and leave my cell in the car. She deserves a fun outing, she deserves to get out of this living hell we've created for her. She needs to be away from the tension.

 

I've asked my cousin if he'd like to get drinks and watch the game saturday night, and he's going to get back to me once he knows when he'll get off work. I'd love nothing more than to be gone all day. Bring her home just in time for dinner and a bath. Tuck her in and then just leave without a word to him. Let him wonder where the hell I'm going. Let him wonder who the hell I'm with. Let him wonder when the hell I'll be back. Let him feel stuck like I do so many nights. Unable to leave b/c DD is asleep and no one else is home.

[Jimmy64]

Really sorry to read this Beachbum.

 

I value your advice and to see you in this situation is a real shame.

 

The only thing I can offer is to take one day at a time.

 

Good luck mate.

[goingstrong]

 

 

 

I want to move out for like 2 months. I feel like I just can't do the 180 living under the same roof.

 

 

 

I think on Saturday I'm going to just try and be out and about with DD and just ignore him. He'll sleep forever if allowed, so we'll just leave in the morning and go to a zoo 2 hours away. It'll be fun. It'll get us out of the house, and maybe he'll realize that we aren't waiting around for him as much anymore.

 

Those 2 things are excellent ideas.

 

 

These 2 things are very sad and indicate that the dysfunctional part of your relationship is becoming toxic to your DD.

 

She's sensing all of this though. Mommy why has daddy slept on the couch all week? Why did daddy not say goodbye to me? We pulled in the driveway as he was pulling out tonight. He was leaving early. I assume to avoid me, cool, but it didn't happen, we crossed paths. She saw him, and was excited. You think he stopped to say hi to her and to interact for 10 mins before going to work? Nope, just sped away. She was crying? Why did daddy not say bye to me mommy? Why does daddy not love me? I hate my daddy. He's so mean to you mommy, he's so mean to me mommy. He's never here anymore mommy, and when he is he's mean.

 

It broke my heart for her. I hate seeing her cry. I hate seeing him act like no one is important. How could he just leave like that after she saw him? Her window was down as was his and she was screaming Hi Daddy! He still just backed out and peeled off. I get that he's mad at me. I get he wants to avoid me. But her? Seriously? What did she do? She rarely sees him as it is, and he doesn't care. He doesn't call to tell her good night, although he's gone 5 nights a week. He doesn't interact with her much on weekends, either lets the tv entertain her or he's sleeping.

 

I'm no DR., but the more I read about him in your posts, it sounds as if he has a depression issue.

[beachbum84]

Yeah he has issues alright, not sure if they are depression related though. :-P Man that felt good. he he

[Suerenity]

Sorry to read about your drastic situation. He sounds like a real idiot who cares about absolutely nothing, not even himself. I hope you find the strength and courage to leave. I am sort of in the same situation emotionally, although H is now trying to act better, I'm still holding all the resentment against him yet don't exactly know how to get out. We were separated before for about a year and I returned because he made my life hell and I was tired of him threatening to keep our son away from me. I was 23, young, silly and stubborn.

 

I wish we both can just have an 'Aha' moment where some being just sits on our shoulders and tells us point for point what to do to be free again. Although H is acting nice, I don't believe it's sincere. I am not 100% innocent either, but am tired now of dealing with it all.

 

Pray about it and listen for the answers.

[beachbum84]

So all week he's been crazy angry, yelling at me about anything and everything. He freaked out about me being in the bathroom yesterday morning, went as far to beat down the door and cuss me out from the other side. All b/c he wanted in to brush his teeth. Seriously???

 

He came home from working on his car this afternoon, I asked him to help me with some chores, and oddly enough it sparked a HUGE argument. In which he just flipped out. And so I just freaked and told him to be respectful or leave. So he left. Then DD woke up sad b/c she wanted to see her daddy (she hadn't seen him very much lately), so I let her call him. Then I ended up on the phone with him, and told him that he had 15 mins to cool off and then be back to work through this argument, otherwise anything past 15 minutes he can make him being gone permanent. He came back, only to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't like me, despises me, and has only stayed married to me for the past 3 years b/c of DD. All this in front of DD. I told him that what he was saying was not only hurtful but unbelievable, and if he's just saying things like that out of anger than he needs to just hush up before he does unforgivable damage. He only continued.

 

I had my dad coming over for dinner and needed to start making dinner. I was crying and trying to pull it together to get on with things. And he just follows me into the kitchen telling me how lazy I am, how bad of a mom I am, how I don't care about him, how people constantly and have always asked him why he stays with me & he no longer knows why, and how I am worthless, and a horrible person, on and on and on. I'm bawling now, and have backed into a corner and was down to my knees sobbing and screaming please just stop, just stop. He just keeps getting closer and closer screaming more and more at me, all while DD is curled up on my lap telling him to stop yelling at me and asking me why I was crying.

 

And then all of a sudden he just grabs his keys and leaves. Leaves without saying goodbye to DD, leaves with me just crying, and company coming over in less than 30 mins.

 

WOW

 

So my dad gets there and wants to know where he is, and DD blurts out, he left, and made that noise with his tires Grandpa! So that popped the lid off that can of worms. So I got the great pep talk of, leave him alone, don't take him back, don't take his calls, go file for child support, move in with us to get on your feet, on and on and on. Way too much too soon.

 

Now my company is gone, my DD is fast asleep, and I am sick to my stomach wondering wtf. All this over, could you help me fold laundry. I wonder if he'll be coming back. And if he does, do I want him back? I feel scared to move forward with a divorce. I'm wondering what will be. I'm angry, sad, lost, and confused. I don't know how to feel, or exactly what I'm feeling. Am I upset over this b/c I finally know the answer and it wasn't the answer I thought I'd get? Am I angry b/c I am going to struggle for a few years if we get a divorce and life will be more tense and humbling to have to move in with my dad? Am I truly missing him? Or am I just scared to be alone? Or just scared to break up the idea of family that my DD has ever known?

[sirweasles]

first off Im really sorry I know his end kinda I have always shown appreciation for my wife to the best of my abilities however I got depressed and was unable to hold a job and when i finally did hold one it was so low paying it caused more troubles I finally got a really good job but i had to leave my family for it in the process of the seperation my wife has decided that she is done and now while I wait to see a phsyc about my depression I have to hold on to me and my kids If the guy isnt helping around the house he is causing more problems your child will pick up on his attitudes and ethics my suggestion to u is to not ask him but tell him to get out until he figures it out and make sure he understands that if he wants to fix the problem he is goin to have to fully prove it and stick too it dont show him any slack until he has proven through thearapy and actions that he is actually fixing him self other words he will fix for a little bit then revert back I have been dealing with depression for 2 years and it took my wife telling me I wasnt welcome home for me to finally seek help and I have spent the last 4 weeks researching and studieng and trying to fully better myself and I still have a long ways to go and I pray im not to late

[beachbum84]

Yes I would think that he has been battling depression. Ever since it was time for us to leave our carefree days behind us and become totally responsible to and for our child he has just detached. He failed school, he bounced from job to job, and was unemployed twice since she was born. He doesn't strive for much, or achieve much. He is a miserable person to be around, he never has anything positive to say, its always a negative, and its always someone else's fault.

 

As for telling him to go. He already decided to leave. I don't forsee him coming back anytime soon. And who knows that could be a blessing. But for tonight I am angry and stressing about rent being due soon. Will he put his paycheck in the bank like normal so I can pay the bills? If not, then I don't make enough money to carry all the bills.

 

I love how this is all 4 days before Thanksgiving. No matter if he has a change of heart I won't be seeing him that day. And the day after is Iron Bowl, which was supposed to be a big party at our house with his family. Thats off now too. And for DD, when will she see him next? I haven't a clue. So much is unsaid, and not figured out. I'm freaking out about the details right now. And not so much about him being gone. Maybe that is just the anger speaking. But tonight, as I cannot sleep, and have neurotically checked my cell every 15 mins for missed calls I have just grew angrier and angrier that he could just up and leave after all of that. I don't want to see him anytime soon. I put all his work clothes, toiletries, jackets, and some other clothes in garbage bags and stacked them outside our house.

 

I guess I'll wait and see if he puts his check in the bank this week. If not, then I'll just start canceling ****, like his car insurance, and cell phone, and any bill that isn't a utility with his name on it I won't be paying. If he thinks he can just up and leave, than he can figure out his details on his own.

 

I sure hope he remembers to make time for our daughter. She already was asking tonight if she'd ever see her daddy again. I reassurred her that she would. All while fearing that she might not see him much if at all for a while. He hasn't made her a priority for some time now. I fear with him gone, living his life without responsibilites, he'll just forget to make time for her. It'll break her heart to be left behind.

 

My dad's words keep echoing in my head, "he is a hillbilly, low class, immature, poor choice of a husband". The angrier I am getting tonight the more I tend to agree with that harsh statement. But I fully expect to miss that crap out him in the next few days. But hopefully I can just keep busy, and try to keep my mind off of him. If it was so easy for him to up and leave, than surely I can find the strength to do the same.