Fern Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm a woman in my early 30s and recently split from my partner of 6 years. I've been reading this forum a lot recently and it is really helping me. However I am at a stage now where my anger towards my ex is stopping me from healing. We never had any children or a mortgage, so I know that my situation could be so much worse - but I am having a hard time none-the-less. I don't want him back, I'm not that pathetic. I have come to terms with the split - I can see now that the relationship was never healthy and I know that I am better off. Nor do I blame him for everything, there were mistakes on both sides - I supported him financially and emotionally to such an extent that I pretty much emasculated him. I can also be very cutting in the heat of an argument and said some terrible things to him. But at the same time I was desperate to please him and often allowed him to treat me very disrespectfully. I cringe now when I think of the way I let him speak to me sometimes and when I think about some of the behaviours I put up with. With hindsight, I don't think he was ever fully invested in our relationship, he was still 'in love' with an ex when we met and cheated on me repeatedly at the beginning of our relationship. Why did I stay? I'm asking myself the same question. His mother was diagnosed with cancer and died during the course of our relationship and I suppose I kidded myself that much of his reluctance to try with me (refusing to have sex with me for the past 2 years, for example) was grief. My parents have a wonderful, supportive and loving relationship and I thought I could emulate that or make him love me by making myself indispensable to him? I took out a loan for his University tuition when he decided to return to study two years ago (which I'm still paying off and which he has since dropped out of), I paid his rent whilst he was at Uni because he earned so much less than I did, I repaired his relationship with the mother of his child, I turned into his mother instead of his girlfriend basically. I was a doormat of the most embarrassing kind. No wonder he wouldn't sleep with me, I was so desperate to make him happy, it must have made me deeply unattractive. But he was never happy. I suppose I always knew deep down he didn't love me in the same way I loved him. I wilfully ignored a million red flags and behaviour I'd have been disgusted about my female friends putting up with. I should have left him years ago. I loved him. I thought all relationships had ups and downs and you could fix them with 'work'. I forgot both parties had to want to work on it. I gave him a thousand opportunities to get out, but I made staying too comfortable for him to do so without some outside impetus. That impetus came 3 months ago when I found out he had developed feelings for a co-worker and the two of them had shared a kiss. I knew we'd had problems but I was desperate to work on things (pathetic). He wasn't - but even then he couldn't just put me out of my misery, he pretended to want to sort things out but just made life impossible for me for a further two weeks until I had no choice but to move out. It was only after I left I found out how strong his feelings for this other woman were. My problem is this - he dived head first into a relationship with this other woman (who is almost ten years younger than me - what a cliche!) before I had even finished moving out of our flat. She has a child and fiancee (with whom she has now split also) and the two of them are already in a full blown relationship. And I can't get past my bitterness and anger. Even though I know in my head that he did me a favour, the thought that he might be happy with this woman kills me. The thought that he's going to have everything with her that he wasn't able to have with me drives me insane with rage. I don't want him back and I know logically that this situation is not a reflection on my worth or my loveableness - but I can't seem to get past it. I think I could be fine with him seeing ANYONE but her. It makes no sense, I know. What difference does it make who he's with. I've been suffering from anxiety attacks - which I'm getting help with and which are subsiding. But how do I get past the anger? Every time I hear about the two of them out together or see them together I feel as terrible as I did in those awful first weeks after we split up. I'm so tired of feeling angry. I'm so tired of wishing bad things on fellow human beings. All I want at this point is to be able to forgive him and her and move past it. I'm only harming myself and I know that. I just can't find it in me to let go of the anger. I don't know any more if I'm angry with them or with myself. I feel used and foolish and unloveable and pathetic and so many other, terrible, negative things. He and I have almost no contact now. If I do bump into him I act perfectly OK because I don't want to compound my humiliation by heaping more undignified behaviour on top of it. So I pretend like I'm doing really well. Which I am, in many ways - but underneath I'm seething and for the few days after I bump into him I'm a weepy, angry, insomniac mess. Please help me. People keep telling me it'll take time but I don't know how much longer I can deal with feeling this way without exploding. How do I let go? I'm so tired of feeling like this... Please help me to forgive and move on from this rage. How do I forgive him?
YellowShark Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) Here's what you need to read up on because your relationship was this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency "Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others." Additionally you need to embrace your anger, it's simply part of the grieving from the breakup. Stages of grieving: 1) Shock and denial 2) Pain and Guilt 3) Anger and Bargaining 4) Depression 5) Realization 6) Reconstruction 7) Acceptance I'd say you're wavering between #3 & 4 right now Fern. Stay strong, best of luck. Edited October 21, 2010 by YellowShark edited to add text
curiousnycgirl Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 OMG Fern I so feel your pain and I am so very sorry for you. As I began to read your post there was so much of it I could have written myself - except that I am older so in theory I should have known better, and worse he took away my last chance at having some of the things I truly wanted. However he didn't take them - I gave them, and I have to keep reminding myself of that, in a really big way!!! Something that helped me finally begin to get past my ex is the realization that he will never find true happiness with any one, and certainly no woman will ever find happiness with him. They may appear happy and may seem to have everything that I always wanted with him - but the truth is there's no possible way - because he is not capable of it. Also if you think he will ever find a woman who will ever even try to meet his needs the way you did, you've got another think coming missy. Again I would say there is no way. What you now need to do is realize that that you bring so much to the table - what you need is to find someone who will appreciate it and meet you halfway give to you as good as he gets - THAT is what has been missing from your life. You are not foolish for giving, you are only foolish for giving to him. Learn to forgive yourself, and any emotion you feel for your ex will just fall by the wayside.
Author Fern Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Thank you both for the really helpful replies. Yellowshark - that's an eye-opener. I will most definitely be reading more into issues around co-dependency. I've learned a lot of lessons from this relationship. It turned me into someone I don't even recognise... NYCgirl - thankyou. Your post simultaneously made me cry AND feel better. You're right - he's still that same damaged person, whether he's with her or me - and I doubt a 24 year old has the werewithal to give him the support I offered. Certainly she doesn't have the finincial resources. Perhaps it will be the making of him having to stand on his own feet. I hope you heed your own excellent advice. It's never too late. Remember that.
Fouts Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 There's always an extra twist of the knife for the person who watches the other dive headfirst into a new relationship. It just hurts more, there's no need to try to rationalize it away. They're happy, having wild, hot, sweaty sex every night, sharing intimate moments and developing the bonds that you once shared. What's to like about it? We've all been there and have to summon that ability to white it out from our thought process as much as possible. It's why rebound relationships are pretty much a necessity to some degree, just for the ego stroke of being wanted.
curiousnycgirl Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 NYCgirl - thankyou. Your post simultaneously made me cry AND feel better. You're right - he's still that same damaged person, whether he's with her or me - and I doubt a 24 year old has the werewithal to give him the support I offered. Certainly she doesn't have the finincial resources. Perhaps it will be the making of him having to stand on his own feet. I hope you heed your own excellent advice. It's never too late. Remember that. Fern I am here for you - always. At this point finding a new guys is the furthest thing from my mind, however I am at a different stage of my life. If you want a kids/a family - you still have time. Which is why I say you should be doing your damndest to find that guy who deserves you. I truly do believe he is out there. But first you need to let the loser go! I'm not sure how or why, but suddenly after 6 years, something snapped in me and I've finally let my ex go. Two days ago I really truly stopped crying. I actually packed up the few things of his that were in my house, took them to the post office and mailed them to him. No note, no drama - just the package. All I need to do at this point is figure out how to get back the money he owes me (the few times we did agree he would pay me back for things - such as his DWI attorney) - but right now I can't deal with that. Hey it's all about baby steps! And it's all about US!!!!!
YellowShark Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Thank you both for the really helpful replies. Yellowshark - that's an eye-opener. I will most definitely be reading more into issues around co-dependency. I've learned a lot of lessons from this relationship. It turned me into someone I don't even recognise... Mine did too. I did everything for my EX. Paid her bills when she couldn't, helped her in every way I could, and I was always fixing her screwups. Now that it is over I realize that I was codependant. I put my needs at a lower priority than hers, and was simply enabling her while she used me as an emotional and financial pillow. I was blind, in love, and uninformed. Now that I know what I was, I shall never let it happen again.
curiousnycgirl Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I put my needs at a lower priority...used me as an emotional and financial pillow. Me three:(
Author Fern Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 It's why rebound relationships are pretty much a necessity to some degree, just for the ego stroke of being wanted. See - this is something I've been thinking about. Lots of my friends have said I need to start meeting new men. At the minute I have less than no interest. I just want to get back to feeling OK with being single. I have no problems being single - I've was happily single for many years before I met my ex and I'm in no rush to dive into something serious again. I'm worried seeing someone else will make me feel worse rather than better. Do you think it could help? God knows I could be doing with feeling better about myself. I've actually fantasised about starting a relationship with his new girlfriends ex - see how she likes it. I won't, of course, that's just insane. Would a rebound help or hurt me? Yellowshark & NYCgirl - I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I've been feeling like a MORON recently. Never again. I will never be that subsumed by a relationship ever again.
curiousnycgirl Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I also have no interest in seeing anyone at the moment. I feel I need to get happy with myself before I can expect someone else to find me attractive, but that's me.
coist Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 I have posted the following to another member whose also dealing with deep emotional issues. Let me say this first. At least you recognize that you must let go of your anger because anger is a poison to the body and over all well being. Sounds like you have invested a good amount of energy into this relationship but also, this could also be part of your karmic value that has come back unto you. Question, in your previous relationships, were you totally honest, faithful, trust worthy etc..? If you've answered yes to at least one of these questions then this is what you are experiencing....! Anyway, read on...I hope this helps. "Listen, we unconsciously put ourselves in these tough situations for a reason. Picture climbing down a man whole that's very deep, dark and cold. Now the further you go down, the more tougher things would get. We believe it or not do this type of stuff all the time. The reason could be applied to a spiritual matter of growth and lessons we need to learn. I picture you doing this. You are spiritually climbing down a deep man hole just to get hurt and to punish yourself just to see what if feels like to hurt. Sometimes many of us don't make it back to the top because we went down too far. When this happens this causes the physical body to become sick filled with diseases of all sorts including negative issues in our lives that often times leads to death. Good thing our creator loves us enough to give us the opportunity to be reborn again so that we could hopefully learn of these current lessons and banish them. Now this is by no means to offend anyone nor an attempt to sway anyone to believe what I believe in...these are just my own personal opinions. Now back to you....the only way out of this man hole you have climbed into there is a way out but I advise you to imploy spiritual help. Here's what you do: At night before bed, pray. Ask your God for his assistance in this matter. You must grant him PERMISSION to send his angels to assist you because the angels can not interveen without your PERMISSION. Here's an example: "HEAVENLY FATHER, I HAVE FOUND MYSELF STUCK IN THIS MAN HOLE. I'VE CLIMED TOO DEEP AND HAVE GOTTEN LOST ALONG THE WAY. I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SEND YOUR ANGELS TO MY RESCUE AND TO HELP ME TO LET GO OF (STATE HIS NAME) AND TO FORGIVE HIM FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE AND FOR YOU TO HELP ME TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR MY TRANSGRESSIONS". Pray in your own way but make sure you state the word "PERMISSION" because if you do not give the angles permission then they can't help you. You are stronger than you think and I do understand your pain. Say your little prayer at least three times a day luv. Within two days of doing this you shall notice something in your mind and welbeing. A strength that you never knew you had. You don't have to settle for some one if they appear not to give you the love you deserve. You must love yourself and shift your focus from him back to you because in reality it is you that has created this reality not him. Your spirit wanted to go deep into the pit just to see what it feels like and to develop your self worth."
Author Fern Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 I was with you right up until you started chatting about 'Angles' there Coist. I'm an atheist, so I'm not going to take ANY of that advice, but thank you for the reply.
curiousnycgirl Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Fern - Replace father and angels with my internal mojo and gremlins - oh powerful fern engine - whatever you want to call her. It doesn't have to be religion - the point is giving yourself and whatever makes you tick the permission to pull yourself out of where you are to move forward and upward. cool beans ? XXOO, CNYCG
melenkurion Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Every time I hear about the two of them out together or see them together I feel as terrible as I did in those awful first weeks after we split up. I'm so tired of feeling angry. I'm so tired of wishing bad things on fellow human beings. If you manage this, it would be instructive to let us know how. It sounds like our situations are pretty much identical. Like you, the thought of them being happy together is unbearable to me. But rationally, I know that keeping this anger for more than a little while is going to hurt me in the long run. The one thing that has really helped is going for a run: it seems to burn up some of the rage. I've also tried "thought stopping" when the image of them together pops into my head (it's not much more than internally yelling "stop" to crowd out the thought). Never again. I will never be that subsumed by a relationship ever again. That seems to be the biggest mistake I have ever made. Now that my relationship is in tatters, I seem to have very little left for me. At least you know it, now.
SmileyGirl Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I surely hope I'm not too late in this discussion!... I must agree with the first poster about the different stages of feeling a break up... I also was in a six year relationship and while I was not cheated on it was still very painful and actually I found myself hopping all around those steps... sometimes I would feel #3 .. then over the next few weeks I felt I was back at #1... I held on to so much anger for so long, in fact I still do... Break ups are such a painful process and you would think they would get easier with each one.. but they don't.. ... I'm sorry I don't have much advice but just wanted you to know your not alone!
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