Mellisa Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Hi guys, not sure you'll like to answer these questions and i dont want to come off too blunt ..but i would really appreciate the sharing.When was the last time you had your heart broken?When was the last time you were dating and found out the other person was just not that into you? Who was the lamest guy you've ever dated? What did you learn from those experiences? I recently start dating again and am reminded of what a dangerous place it can be out there.The game of dating is risky and complex...Ricky as in there is just too much risk to like someone only to have your heart broken in the end;Complex as in there are so many other variants of dating and relationship like "hanging out",FWB","Fling" ect and sometimes you dont even know what label to put on it... It would be great if anyone who has more experience and expertise can give me some advice,just anything you feel related to this post. I'm a virgin and i've never been in a relationship.The only one i had close to a relationship was a long distance one for 5 months and the guy turned out to be married.. Besides that I've had a few dates that just didnt go anywhere.Had a few guys that i liked but who didnt quite like me the same way back and i was usually the one who had to cut it off cause i didnt want get hurt;With the others i just didnt feel the chemistry and didnt really bother to get to know them;Wouldnt it be great to just meet a guy who you like and who will like you enough to go into a relationship without mind guessing and game playing? I've been hurt twice so far. Thanks!
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I've been hurt in pretty much every relationship I've had with a woman.
Author Mellisa Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 I've been hurt in pretty much every relationship I've had with a woman. wow, i dont know how guys can get hurt that easily..thought it was just us women.Do you think that's more because of you or them? If you end up alway being the one that get hurt, didnt it make you question maybe there is something wrong with you instead of them?Sorry to sound rude and insensitive..
carhill Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Looking back, it was more the consistent rejections than the hurting from dating which stuck with me. Dating sometimes goes great; sometimes is laughable and sometimes goes in the dumpster. IME, the experiences rarely hurt, because life is about experience. The rejected potentials however, until I learned to process them in aggregate, essentially the majority of my 20's, remain an emotional memory to this day. Think of the and his arch. A female may stop by, look at the arch, move a twig or two around, chirp a bit, respond a bit to the male's overtures to like his arch, but ultimately move on. OTOH, when a parade of females march by in plain view, as the male is touching up his arch, preening his best and doing bower bird appropriate male strutting, and those females don't even stop or take a glance at his lovingly constructed arch, then, over time, the arch falls into disrepair and beer cans begin to litter the landscape and the male bird is starting to look decidedly scruffy. Validation of his efforts bring energy to renew them; ignoring him drags him down into ambivalence.
Author Mellisa Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 Looking back, it was more the consistent rejections than the hurting from dating which stuck with me. Dating sometimes goes great; sometimes is laughable and sometimes goes in the dumpster. IME, the experiences rarely hurt, because life is about experience. The rejected potentials however, until I learned to process them in aggregate, essentially the majority of my 20's, remain an emotional memory to this day. I would rather get head on rejection. Intead i usually get strung along until i had to figure out on my own there wasnt any potential...I would so much appreicate a guy who can be up straight with me!
carhill Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Any females here who have never been asked out on a date? Raise your hands... Once interaction has begun, each person develops perspectives which may enhance the initial impetus from the interaction or detract from them. IME, when things haven't 'worked out', that's been a pretty equal process. This presumes basic sincerity. Perhaps, had I *ever* had the experience of a woman asking me out on a date, I would have developed a different perspective on the emotional impact of rejection, but that dynamic has not yet occurred. Being far older now, I can process it as part of life, male life, that most women will never understand, similar to how men can't understand parts of women's life experience. That's just how it is. If I wished to be the sensitive emo male than women love to friendzone, I would opine that *every* dating experience hurt, even the one which led to marriage, since that ended up hurting too. But again, as it is for men, we process that hurt to a different place and identify only the 'big' hurts, like people dying and our kids getting taken away from us and things like that. In comparison, dating hurts seem inconsequential. I would so much appreicate a guy who can be up straight with me! I hope you find a 'straight up' guy. We do exist. Probably better to find a younger, less bitter version
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) wow, i dont know how guys can get hurt that easily..thought it was just us women.Do you think that's more because of you or them? If you end up alway being the one that get hurt, didnt it make you question maybe there is something wrong with you instead of them?Sorry to sound rude and insensitive.. Men can get hurt as easily as women, we are humans after all. I remember seeing a quote from Nigel Benn, a former WBO and WBC super-middleweight world boxing champion. He said that no man he'd ever fought had come close to hurting him as bad as the women in his life. As far as my relationships go, I think it was usually a case of them being intractable and unreasonable, rather than anything I did. Yes I do reflect on broken relationships and blame my own faults, but I'm not so insecure to think it was always my fault. Edited October 21, 2010 by Tim The Enchanter
TouchedByViolet Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Carhill you speak much truth. Life is a strange experience. Rejection comes in all forms, for different reasons and at different times. Always standing up for yourself first will significantly reduce the damage done. Moving forward and finding another is a great way to move past it. Unfortunately, some people deal with a lot of rejection at a young age which can results in lasting negative effects.
FructoseGrande Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I went out with a girl I met in a bar one time, and a couple of weeks later, it really started hurting.
Cee Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I have had hundreds, maybe thousands of hurts over my 20+ years of dating and relationships. There have been times I felt ripped apart by my love and his subsequent rejection. I have also loved someone and ended it because I need time alone to grow. That hurts because I feel doubt when I break up with someone. But I don't dwell on that and I have largely forgotten the pain. Think of it this way. Can you count the number of scrapes and minor cuts you have had in your whole life? Probably not. Maybe you have a scar from a bad fall or a surgery, but hopefully it hardly hurts anymore. Dating and relationships are like that- full of scratches and scrapes that hurt at first, but then disappear. Life is about taking risks. I don't dwell on the hurts, rather the good. And I never feel like a victim in dating. Nobody can hurt me. I can only hurt myself because I have free will. I can fix the relationship, leave, or do nothing and deal with unhappiness. I have done all three at one time or another. .
Quest Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Dating is hurtful for women too, and in much the same way as Carhill describes. The bower bird analogy - which is great - works in reverse too. I can't think of any good advice to give you because you wouldn't be human if you didn't hurt when someone let you down. Generally, though, I'd say it's probably good not to jump into things too quickly and really find out about someone before getting involved - that way you're less likely to get shocks like finding out the person is married or whatever. But even that's not foolproof and in my case I've had to learn that over time. Plus, I think not everyone should have to learn the hard way and not everyone does. Why they don't is something you could probably write a book about but it does involve luck as well as 'emotional health'.
Zapbasket Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm in only my third serious relationship; my first was not until I was 25 and it lasted 5 years. The previous two relationships ended HORRIBLY and I was crushed, each time in very different ways. The first one was my best friend. I really loved this man. We had communication problems, in that he could not communicate his feelings and did not like discussions about difficult things, whereas I felt discussion was vital to the health of our relationship (and probably pushed that point too hard). But we had a true connection, and never ran out of things to talk about. We were also long distance for much of the relationship. Then, just a couple of months after he moved to my city supposedly so we could be together, he dumped me coldly and absolutely and told me not to contact him. That killed me and in some ways, I'm still working through that pain. The second one I moved across the country for probably out of guilt for not moving in the previous relationship. He was 20 years older than me and charming and intelligent but was hopelessly flawed, hypercritical, depressive, narcissistic, and constantly put me down as "overweight" (I'm 5'7" and weigh 120 pounds). After less than a year of being together, and after convincing me to move and live in his house and not find a job first, he dumped me, and I found myself in a new city with no support network, no job, no car, no place to live, and no one to turn to. It has taken me a solid year, flying by the seat of my pants, to turn things around and get back on my feet. This was less of a heartbreak and more shock that someone could be so callous and self-involved. Also, the aftermath of his kicking me out of his home was a NIGHTMARE: humiliating, scary, constantly uncertain, financially ruinous, everything. Even so, I'd say the first break-up hurt more. I have battle scars for sure, but you know, it hurts less in the long-term to put yourself out there and be open to loving, than to close up and fortress yourself from the joy of new love and subsequently, established love ever-deepening.
Knittress Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 The first one was my best friend. I really loved this man. We had communication problems, in that he could not communicate his feelings and did not like discussions about difficult things, whereas I felt discussion was vital to the health of our relationship (and probably pushed that point too hard). But we had a true connection, and never ran out of things to talk about. We were also long distance for much of the relationship. Then, just a couple of months after he moved to my city supposedly so we could be together, he dumped me coldly and absolutely and told me not to contact him. That killed me and in some ways, I'm still working through that pain. Something very similar happened to me, 'cept there was no moving and we lived together. It's been two years and I still won't have anything to do with men...
USMCHokie Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I've only been truly hurt from dating twice in my life. After each time, I made an incredibly rash (at the time, some might even say reckless) life-changing decision, and they turned out to be the best decisions of my life...I couldn't be happier right now... Everything always seems to work out for the best...
jerbear Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I've only been truly hurt from dating twice in my life. After each time, I made an incredibly rash (at the time, some might even say reckless) life-changing decision, and they turned out to be the best decisions of my life...I couldn't be happier right now... Everything always seems to work out for the best... Isn't that the truth! One thing was getting a grad degree, it was something to (re) focus on and I got it. Life dream + part of a 250 year + got a new job. I even bought a house this year and been out more often, more outgoing, etc... The house I could really care less about because it was the best and worse thing to happen to me. The last short 3 wk relationship gave me a new passion. I am meeting with univ people, scheduled my spring and studying for the GRE; so I can pursue my ventures. I'm going for another grad degree but this time I'm going to work on the engineering degree AND pursue a business. Each pursuit/date or one-date wonders, gave me new perspectives. I am actually not that bad when it comes to having a job, education and on paper. Only thing I go after is different race and that is a challenge in my area.
Author Mellisa Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 I'm in only my third serious relationship; my first was not until I was 25 and it lasted 5 years. The previous two relationships ended HORRIBLY and I was crushed, each time in very different ways. The first one was my best friend. I really loved this man. We had communication problems, in that he could not communicate his feelings and did not like discussions about difficult things, whereas I felt discussion was vital to the health of our relationship (and probably pushed that point too hard). But we had a true connection, and never ran out of things to talk about. We were also long distance for much of the relationship. Then, just a couple of months after he moved to my city supposedly so we could be together, he dumped me coldly and absolutely and told me not to contact him. That killed me and in some ways, I'm still working through that pain. Even so, I'd say the first break-up hurt more. I have battle scars for sure, but you know, it hurts less in the long-term to put yourself out there and be open to loving, than to close up and fortress yourself from the joy of new love and subsequently, established love ever-deepening. What happened?Well, at least he was man enough to do the dump.Just have to keep on thinking that you dont want to be with the one who doesnt want to be with you. I like what you said at the end.
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