cuore_depresso Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) So....about two months ago my beautiful wife of 12 years tells me she just does not feel much passion for me. She loves me dearly but some of the "spark" is gone. I am an emotional man, I admit that. I am also they type that tends to go "all out" when I get into something, get super focused, and just delve into things deeply. Of course there is so much to experience in life that I will often move onto something else after a period of time. I say all of this to add a bit of background to what I say next....so I basically "freaked" when she told me this and I got emotional and all-in-all it made for a very stressful weekend. We have talked a lot since then, which also seems part of the problem and why I feel like such a moron. You see my wife is not a very communicative person, thus the "truck to the side of the car" hit I took after 13 years together. So I basically became a verbal steamroller.....and desperate. Why? What happened? Is there another guy? (No there is not from all I can tell) Do you want us to make it? You get the point.... So after two months of ups and downs, one of us staying with a friend for awhile, the other doing the same, and finally back in the house together, I get some feedback from her. It seems that, in her mind, the issue was "not that big" initially (we were going away for a weekend together when she told me this and said she still wanted to have a good time...I should have gotten the hint then) and that all of the talking I have been doing has caused her to question all sorts of things she has not questioned before. She says that all my talking she fears has made things worse, not better. Of course since she is not that communicative and I am, we have a lot of one-sided conversations (i.e. me talking her not). Coupled with my tendency to go to extremes, and sometimes assume the worse, I think I have caused more stress and issues than initially existed. She says she loves me, we still are living together, she says she does not want a divorce, but that the current situation is one that makes her NOT want to come home, that makes her NOT feel much passion or closeness to me. How could I be such a fool and take what may have been a typical, normal problem in many marriages and create such a mess that I may lose my wife? Sure we have had problems, who has not...but there has been no infidelity (well 100% for sure on my part, and I believe her when she says she has not), no physical or verbal abuse, no alcoholism, no drugs, in all honesty nothing that usually rips most marriages apart. We do have a bit of debt but are working hard to correct that. We do not have kids...and that too is another source of problems. For the longest time I thought I did not want kids and conveyed that to her, she was not sure she did so she was fine. Over the last few years however I have realized I do want kids and have mentioned that to her, but not really forced it. Now with all these things coming out we both so seriously regret not having children sooner. I have also reached out to a lot of people, both my family and hers, my friends and hers, and apparently I have come across as desperate and it has "scared" her. I need to be clear here...I am not, in any way, shape, or form, going to hurt myself or anything like that, nor am I the violent type so I am not going to hurt her or anything like. However it has made her shy away and be more distant..it has "freaked" her out. So now she is contemplating moving out to get some space, though to be honest I have never really understood what "space" meant as she has never told me what it means to her. She is sleeping, right now, in our guest room....though we still talk daily, kiss one another goodnight and when we leave for work, we have not been intimate in two months. We still have dinner together (I have gotten into cooking and enjoy it) and are still planning some "future" things together. All of this...to say the least, has left me sooooooo confused. We have found that over the last few years we have really not been talking like we should have, made some assumptions, or held onto beliefs from years ago that have changed. Yet in talking we are now realize that what we want the same things in life....a loving home, family and friends, children. Yet I am afraid I am going to lose her because I do not know how to NOT screw this up since she has difficulty talking. We are going to our first counseling session next week...so I am hoping that will help, though she is both skeptical and actual a bit scared. Sorry for the rambling everyone but I needed to vent as I have pulled back from talking to some of my the friends and family to not continue to have them in the middle of all of this. Thanks for listening. Edited October 21, 2010 by cuore_depresso
GorillaTheater Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I agree with your friends and family that you've come across as "desperate", but I think you're misreading where they're going with that observation. It's not that anyone is likely concerned that you're a danger to yourself, your wife, or anyone else. It's a simple observation that you are likely overwhelming your wife with your emotion. Typically, and whether it's "right" or "wrong", women want their men to be strong, a rock. They find that attractive, not the melty-man. Which it sounds like you've become. I understand. I tend to be emotional myself. But one thing I've learned over the past 20+ years of marriage is that my wife doesn't want to deal with major displays of anger or fear. That has to be particularly true if your wife is not "all in" the marriage. So back off, give her some space, and control your fear. What are you afraid of? Your marriage ending? Your wife running off with another man? Pick whatever you're most afraid of, fully visualize it, and face it head on. Get rid of the fear because that's your biggest enemy/obstacle right now. You engage in counterproductive one-sided relationship talks out of fear. It's perfectly natural, but you're doing yourself and your marriage no favors by doing so. It seems utterly counter-intuitive, but you need to stop the relationship talks unless SHE brings it up, and even then you remain guarded. She may not talk much, but when she does, spend alot more time listening than talking. This is your opportunity to work on yourself and develop your own individual interests. Don't waste it. Get back the man she fell in love with. If not for her, then for the next woman.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 How I have changed reading LS over the last 20 months is that I find myself more upset reading these posts and how women respond over and over, or are made out to be..... This ILYBNILWY crap over and over and over..... No you do not mention sex, but already sleeping in separate rooms or at friends, does not bode well... Add to that no kids and I am simply at the point where I say cut bait and learn from your mistakes and be happy. Yes you are over emotional and may have scared her, but that is not an excuse when what you are doing is showing your love and commitment, but again it is lopsided. You talk, have brought friends and family in to it and yes while you may have scared your wife, she hasn't helped the situation at all. I don't know what else to say....
giotto Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I was having a conversation, maybe a couple of years ago, with my wife about loving each other and I was saying how I still loved her like the first day... she replied she didn't! When I looked surprised, she said love changes and is never the same and after all these years of being married to each other (we've been together 25 years), it's normal to love in a different way. I don't think I ever recovered from that. I didn't say anything after that, my my entire world collapsed. She has said a few times after that episode that she loves me. But how can I believe her now? So, I really feel for you. Been there.
giotto Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 How I have changed reading LS over the last 20 months is that I find myself more upset reading these posts and how women respond over and over, or are made out to be..... This ILYBNILWY crap over and over and over..... No you do not mention sex, but already sleeping in separate rooms or at friends, does not bode well... Add to that no kids and I am simply at the point where I say cut bait and learn from your mistakes and be happy. Yes you are over emotional and may have scared her, but that is not an excuse when what you are doing is showing your love and commitment, but again it is lopsided. You talk, have brought friends and family in to it and yes while you may have scared your wife, she hasn't helped the situation at all. I don't know what else to say.... LS has been indeed a big eye-opener for me. In a sad way, but still incredibly useful.
tnttim Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I too suffered from what I like to call pussification. You wear your emotions on you shirt, and you are not scared to let her know how you feel. You tell her I love you all the time, and say things like, I can't live without you, or we're stuck together. You also let the things she says and does affect you emotionally. Even if you don't express your feelings, if you have them deep inside, she can still sense them. You do all of this because you are very smart, probably above average IQ, and think that you are the man of her dreams. Wrong, wrong, wrong, you are the guy she will be cheating on. Women logic and men logic do not mix, one's speaking Chinese, the other Arabic. Here's a quick example, has she ever come out of left field with an argument about your socks being on the floor. Then she completely goes off the charts and brings up a bunch of things you have done wrong in the past. Okay, now do you realize that her whole focus was just to have a fight, to experience the emotions of a fight. How you react to this will play a major role in how she will percieve you as a man. Google alpha male training...............
Author cuore_depresso Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 tnttim...damn man, do you know me, because I swear you nailed me down cold. GorillaTheater...thanks man, I hear what you are saying and I I realize now that I was an emotional tsunami and flooded her out. Your advice, and tnttim's are sound and something even a few friends and family have been trying to tell me. Toodamn....thanks I think I just need to back off, give my wife time to breathe and then see what happens. I really do love her, I believe she really does love me and that we both have some issues we need to deal with, both individually and together. Thanks again everyone.
FructoseGrande Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) Cuore, Not to add to your distress, but if no one's mentioned it yet, your wife is obviously cheating on you, and gaslighting you big time. Get a Private Investigator and start gathering evidence. Sure we have had problems, who has not...but there has been no infidelity (well 100% for sure on my part, and I believe her when she says she has not) Wrong. At a minimum she's been having an intense Emotional Affair which has probably already gone physical by this point. Women who have been married for 12 years and then decide they want to be physically separated from their h's, "need space," invariably "need space" to spend time with their Other Man or Men as the case may be. You need to wise up and quickly if you want to save your marriage, although that horse probably has long since left the barn. Sorry dude. Oh yeah get a lawyer. Edited October 21, 2010 by FructoseGrande
Author cuore_depresso Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 I am man enough to admit that she certainly could be cheating on me, either PA or EA, and that it is something I will have to deal with if true. Until I have cold, hard evidence, and there has been none, I will continue to trust her. Sure I can get burned, but I am moving forward, eyes wide open knowing that is a possibility. For now I am concentrating on me, her, and us. I do appreciate your thoughts and view though. Cuore, Not to add to your distress, but if no one's mentioned it yet, your wife is obviously cheating on you, and gaslighting you big time. Get a Private Investigator and start gathering evidence. Wrong. At a minimum she's been having an intense Emotional Affair which has probably already gone physical by this point. Women who have been married for 12 years and then decide they want to be physically separated from their h's, "need space," invariably "need space" to spend time with their Other Man or Men as the case may be. You need to wise up and quickly if you want to save your marriage, although that horse probably has long since left the barn. Sorry dude. Oh yeah get a lawyer.
Recommended Posts