siuys Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Sometimes I just don't get it. Met MM 8 months ago, he moved out about 6 months ago. Granted, it has been a roller coaster ride. Things seem to be settling down now, but I can't help but feel insecure at times (he seems to blow hot and cold). And I am getting tired of analysing the situation, analysing my own and his feelings, what is this and what is that. I have never been in a R that is so damn hard. Is it really meant to be this hard? Many people, including myself, spend ages on this forum, and possibly others, analysing, trying to understand, trying to cope... in the end it's just some BS relationship that is warped. Despite my R with MM getting better, I still feel like **** often. Why do we get ourselves in this situation? I am single, I could walk. Why do I do this to myself? Is attraction and chemistry enough? Is love enough? I don't think so. I am just frustrated!
UntoldStory Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) siuys, my 2 cents -- Rs should not be extremely hard, especially your primary one. It should be adding more to your life than it's taking away. If that's not the case, maybe it's a good time to take a break from it. I'm not saying it can't ever work, just that when the balance of pluses to minuses is so off for you, one or both people need to step back. Also - re: him blowing hot and cold, he's in the middle of getting a divorce, right? I'm doing the same thing and I honestly don't know how anyone tries to maintain a relationship with someone else in the middle of something so stressful. The OW/OM is bound to get the short end of the stick, if only because the MM/MW getting the divorce is completely tapped out emotionally by the process. Edited October 21, 2010 by UntoldStory one more thought
Brokenlady Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 These things are the nature of the beast when we get involved with MM. However, you are fortunate in that yours is making things happen- moving out within 2 months is amazing. Many do not make a decision for a ling time. That preD period can be pretty awful, but it sounds like he's trying and things are getting better. These Rs are more drama filled, but it's up to you to decide if it's worth seeing it thru until things level out. Do you feel like you will have the kind of R you want and be able to get your needs met at some point in the future? How much are you suffering now? What can he do in the meantime to help make things better while he's dealing with his D?
Author siuys Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Thank you both for your response. Wise words. We spent a great 3 weeks, and then last night, he became unstable again. He warned me that there will be turmoil coming, due to some of the issues he has to deal with. I almost lost it. Another roller coaster. Instead of telling him to sort his stuff out and come back, I am now trying to increase some distance and space, and have suggested that we only see each other every two weeks, and only when he is not on a downward spiral. I can't sleep, can't concentrate. I'm really doubting whether I can go the distance. It's only been almost 6 months since he left home, I reckon it will take another year frankly till he's ready realistically. Problem is this roller coaster stuff is driving me insane and slowly destroying me. I know for a fact that once he is ok, or whenever he is ok, he is amazing with me. But meanwhile, it's hell. At the bottom of my heart, I know I need to go NC, but right now, I am not strong enough to do that so I am trying this once every two weeks thing. I am utterly exhausted.
UntoldStory Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I think if you're not going to go totally NC, in order to not go insane yourself you really need to re-set your expectations of him during this time. You actually need him to go through this tough stuff and instability in order to clear his head and heart to be able to be with you 100%. If it wasn't very difficult and stressful for him to end his marriage, it would be a huge clue that he's not really dealing with the reality of it and it will come back to bite you in the a$$ in some way later on.
Author siuys Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Wise words, UntoldStory. You are right. My expectations were a little unrealistic. And yes, he is going through the tough stuff, and despite his M ending, he has respect for his W and mutual courtesy. It shows what kind of a person he is. Anyway, will see how this two week arrangement goes.
UntoldStory Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 And yes, he is going through the tough stuff, and despite his M ending, he has respect for his W and mutual courtesy. FWIW, this is the situation with my separation/divorce atm, and it's probably more stressful and draining because we are really trying to be adults about it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we screamed at each other, slammed doors, and acted out in other ways. That might help process the emotions faster. But as it is.... it's hard keeping it all together. Even if my xMM were emotionally available right now for me to run to and lean on through this, I'm not sure I would do it... at least not all the time. If I'm going to get out of my M with my head held high and no regrets, I need to do it on my own steam and on my own timeline. Sounds like it's worth giving him the benefit of the doubt, since he's dedicated to doing what he needs to do to be with you peacefully and respectfully. /shrug
Author siuys Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Hi UntoldStory, thanks for sharing. I wish you all the luck, strength and emotional stability in dealing with your D. I got divorced years ago, and I think realistically it took me a year to be finally at peace. I don't have kids so I can imagine it's even harder then. You know, I really doubt that being 'uncivilised' is easier on the D. It will only add more dysfunction, hurt and anger into the picture. Your situation sounds civilised, and I think that is the way to go. Why make war, right? I appreciate you telling me your perspective. And I agree about not being in the picture too often. I am coming to terms with that, and have accepted the limitations of this R for the time being. I have also decided to stay positive, have faith and not only focus on what is bothering me. I believe he is worth the benefit of the doubt. I think if I can handle my own emotions and live my own life relatively 'undisturbed', I will be able to go the distance. Just curious, how long have you been separated? Kids? How do you feel about the entire matter now? And did xMM have anything to do with your leaving? Catalyst? Thanks and all the best. Keep posting.
KarmasTestDummy Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Wise words, UntoldStory. You are right. My expectations were a little unrealistic. And yes, he is going through the tough stuff, and despite his M ending, he has respect for his W and mutual courtesy. It shows what kind of a person he is. Anyway, will see how this two week arrangement goes. One thing vie notice about you and mm is that you're always setting restrictions on yourself and putting yourself through unnecessary expectations...adding to the stress. Why cant you take all the good days as they come and step aside when he needs breathing room? To wait two weeks adds and enforce it could be wasting valuable good days....or making his actions harder because it always seems like you're pulling away.
UntoldStory Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 Hi UntoldStory, thanks for sharing. I wish you all the luck, strength and emotional stability in dealing with your D. I got divorced years ago, and I think realistically it took me a year to be finally at peace. I don't have kids so I can imagine it's even harder then. Thanks for this, I can use all of the above!! You know, I really doubt that being 'uncivilised' is easier on the D. It will only add more dysfunction, hurt and anger into the picture. Your situation sounds civilised, and I think that is the way to go. Why make war, right? That's my thinking. It is certainly taking longer and prolonging the really stressful part (pre-move-out), but I think in the end we'll all be thankful we took the extra time to do it this way. Just curious, how long have you been separated? Kids? How do you feel about the entire matter now? And did xMM have anything to do with your leaving? Catalyst? Actually, not quite separated yet... still need to put ink on a lease for H. But have a formal separation agreement so all that's left really is to tell the kids and do the move. xMM was the catalyst that made me turn around and go, "wow, really? how have I been living without this, and this, and that in my marriage?" I've talked to many, many people who've gone to MC and the premise seems to be that you need to recapture the initial spark that first drew you to your spouse, and then rebuild the broken parts of the M so it's stronger than it was before. Unfortunately, in my case, we don't have that strong base to start from. We were both depressed when we met, and my man-picker was broken from daddy issues. Obviously it's easy for me to say that now, but only after spending the past 6 months in intensive IC. Anyway, regardless of what happens with xMM I will always be grateful to him for his role in my life, which has been to wake me up and to show me that I can and should expect so much more from a man I choose to spend my life with.
Author siuys Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 You're quite right, Karmas but I need to pull away to keep my sanity. I have now accepted the limitations of this R, and this two week thing might last two weeks. It's just to try and see how it works. Our history tells me that we would set something, do it, and review it so to speak. So if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I would rather know when I see him and rather not wonder if I'll hear from him, if I should sms him, bla bla bla. No contact in between works for me. And if this doesn't work, I am sure we'll come up with something new, like him turning up at my door and go from there! But thanks for your input. You're right about the good days.
Author siuys Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 UntoldStory, all the best with the separation. I guess it will be tough to tell the kids, but I am sure you will reassure them. Kids are resilient. My own parents got divorced and I saw how unhappy my father was. So when he left and eventually introduced me to his now wife of almost 30 years, I could see why. Proud of you for dealing with your issues and going to IC. It will certainly help move you forward and choose the right man for you in the future.
pureinheart Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Sometimes I just don't get it. Met MM 8 months ago, he moved out about 6 months ago. Granted, it has been a roller coaster ride. Things seem to be settling down now, but I can't help but feel insecure at times (he seems to blow hot and cold). And I am getting tired of analysing the situation, analysing my own and his feelings, what is this and what is that. I have never been in a R that is so damn hard. Is it really meant to be this hard? Many people, including myself, spend ages on this forum, and possibly others, analysing, trying to understand, trying to cope... in the end it's just some BS relationship that is warped. Despite my R with MM getting better, I still feel like **** often. Why do we get ourselves in this situation? I am single, I could walk. Why do I do this to myself? Is attraction and chemistry enough? Is love enough? I don't think so. I am just frustrated! No (bold), and for the mostpart we make things hard. As humans, for some reason if it's not complicated, there must be something wrong. We like challenges, but it gets a bit ridiculous IMO. S, it's so simple it's scary...l e t i t g o. You can't change what is meant to be. Be at peace and enjoy life...make yourself do it! I know, I know, easier said than done, but it can be done. For some reason, us as humans, think we can control and are responsible for everything around us...we're not...just be.... I have to say that being a sixties baby and growing up in the seventies does have it's advantages...lol...you just space everything out...screw it, who cares! S...I inherited the place I spent my upper teen years...wow what a trip, my giant keep sake. We are what we put into our Spirits...I want to encourage you with this... I was a mess, being hit on all sides, health, deaths, you name it...I fought and fought hard to gain my health and sanity back...and just like that the "suddenlies" came to pass...I got this place and (it was a mess, gross actually) went to work....everything was restored, just like that. Within a couple of months the doctors were telling me I had the body of a 19 yr old (I was 48 at the time)...S, it was the truth I was literally living my upper teen yrs and my physical body reflected that. Now I've gone through a bunch more stress and my physical body is feeling old...so I must revert once again and take back what was stolen on an even higher level this time... I really believe that what we do in the naural affects the Spirit...like pulling weeds, I am actually pulling out weeds in the Spirit too (weeds out of my life). Go pull some weeds girl...k... ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Author siuys Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Thanks, pureinheart. I know what you're saying. I'm trying, really, I am! I am much more at peace lately. I realised that although I love MM, I have no control over his thoughts or actions. I realised I had a lot of fear - of him going back to his W, of the R ending, of him not loving me back. But I decided to accept the limitations now, and accept the situation as it is now. I let go of the fear and have found myself much more relaxed. Sure, I wouldn't want this R to end, but I only have 50% control so so be it. Instead, I am concentrating on what works for me, my life, my interests, my direction and focus on building the R with MM, and trusting that our connection, love for each other may pull us through this rough patch. Whatever happens, I know I will be fine. I have read that you get what you focus on - so I am not going to focus on the fearful stuff, or things I don't want anymore. When I saw him on the weekend, I focussed on what was good in our R, and more often than not, things are actually good until my fear kicks in. Hopefully I will keep this up. We're on a two-week NC break at the moment as I don't want to get sucked into his latest issue. I will miss him a lot, but I can live with that. I now know that every week he is getting better, but sometimes, it's just a three steps forward, one step back kinda scenario...
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