Is She or Isn't She

[Redstar]

Hello all,

 

The newbie here! This would be a first for me to discuss these types of things with anybody never mind on a Forum. However being a bit lost, desperate & seriously in doubt I felt the need to just talk to someone.

 

My situation:

 

Been with the same woman for 5 years, Married for 3yrs & have two wonderful daughters age 6 months & 1.8yrs. Prior to our marriage and even up until about 3 months ago things were pretty good in our marriage. We're the normal couple with ups & down, more ups than down and rarely ever use to fight. I believe I'm a good husband, I'm the breadwinner and the majority caregiver in the family. I don't drink, spend 98% of my time with my wife & the children even though I have a very strenuous job.

 

My problem started 3 months ago, shortly after our second child was born. My wife started to change & change dramatically. I was expecting the usual slight baby blues as our first with my wife's determination to get back to her original weight and the usual things, like any normal woman would do. These normal things did occur but they went even further this time and sudden changes that made my gut tie into a serious knot. We've always had a very active sex life throughout our dating faze, initial years of marriage & even very active after our first child was born. However it has dramatically reduced from 3 times a week to once a week to once every 2 weeks to my current status of maybe once a month.

 

My wife and I use to do modeling back in the day, she is an attractive woman and always attempts to look her best. She is also an Attorney at Law and we work for the same firm.

 

I believe my wife might have an extra marital affair however I've not been able to get concrete evidence as such. Herewith the things that started to change 3-4 months ago:

 

1. She immediately went on a major diet to get to her original weight. (Normal)

 

2. She had her lips & eyes done shortly afterwards.

3. She got hair extensions. (Normal)

4. She had breast augmentation surgery i.e. B-cup to C-cup.

5. She had a complete wardrobe change. (Normal)

6. Brand new lingerie and allot of it (Still haven't seen them)

7. Suddenly changed all her passwords from Laptop, cellphone, FB etc.

8. No sex and I mean No Sex or any form of affection. (I don't beg)

9. We suddenly started fighting over the smallest of things.

 

10. She's had me move from spare bedroom to spare bedroom because the little one is sick and only sleeps better next to mommy.....

 

11. Her cellphone now suddenly is fused to her hip and never leaves her side.

 

12. Her cellphone now suddenly is Pin Protected something she we never do. (We always use to be easy with our phones, mine lays around everywhere

and if it rings she would pick it up or I use to do the same with her phone)

 

13. Her laptop use to be in the house and she would work on it at night, leave it standing open or whatever. These days she locks it in her car.

 

14. Normally she would stay up with me till around 10pm at night so that we could get in quality chat time with each other, she now goes to be at 8pm and 7/10 by the time I get to bed around 10, she's still awake and doing something on her phone.

 

15. The hello & goodbye morning & night kisses stopped and now I only get a cheek if I get anything at all.

 

16. The last time she said she loved me was over 2 weeks ago. Normal was 2 or even 3 times a day with lots of hugs & kisses.

 

17. She would phone or text message me throughout the day, this has also stopped entirely.

 

There are quite a few other things however this post is getting ridiculously long so I'll rap it up with these last few words.

 

What do you guys think, is she cheating ? Should I be worried ?

 

I'm normally the least jealous person on this planet, hence I have no idea what are the signs or the fact that I've never been cheated on by any of my previous GF I have had. (To my knowledge that is ) The wife & children are the most important things in my life and I live and breath to make sure they are taken care off. Our marriage has always been excellent and as my wife has stated before "our sex lives is one of the best she's ever experienced" hence our active sex life up until 4 months ago.

 

I've gone as far as installing monitoring software on her cellphone (the 2min I had sight of it) and been monitoring it for the last week with nothing really jumping out or out of the ordinary.

 

Is this just an unloved husband that is over paranoid ?

 

Thanks again for reading such a long post and thank you for taking the time to reply if you are going to reply

 

The Redstar

[karnak]

Regardless of the fact that if she's cheating or not, one thing seems certain: she's probably having serious doubts about her marriage right now.

 

You have to act to know what is happening and fast. Your marriage is going through a crisis now. The ladies on LS can give you a better view on what's happening.

[PegNosePete]

The most worrying part is the sudden need for privacy. Locking a laptop in a car when she used to leave it open in the house, is a huge red flag, and absolutely insane for insurance purposes! There is definitely something dodgy going on there. I would confront her immediately. Ask her why she is suddenly so attached to her phone and laptop. Since she protects it so much it's likely she doesn't delete all the evidence, so there will probably be something on there. If you ask to see it and she gets upset and complains about invasion of privacy then you know something is up.

[FructoseGrande]

She is.

 

 

..............................

[YellowShark]

Can't say for sure but all the red flags are there. (The exact same ones I experienced when my EX cheated.)

 

1) Locked phone suddenly attached to her hip 24/7.

2) Changing all her passwords.

3) New lingerie you never see.

4) Fighting over stupid things.

5) Protecting her laptop like never before.

 

I would do what you have to do to verify an affair before you accuse her of it.

[Redstar]

Hi Guys,

 

Thanks so much for all the replies. I totally agree with YellowShark. I won't confront until I have actual proof. However I have started to discuss this with her in a more relaxed and open fashion to find out what the hell is going on.

 

Her most recent reply is that after the second birth of our child her hormones have not stabilized and thus her recent personality change. Something I can logically comprehend to certain points of my listed items. Karnak & PegnosePete might be right in her sudden need for privacy might be the only indication that something is not 10/4.

 

Worst is, I've never really been in a situation like this before and strange to have all these emotions moving through you like a freight train. I was raised with the "men don't cry" policy and have always been the exceptionally strong one in any situation. Strange though that when you commit and give everything you can into a relationship with your wife & children it becomes harder and harder to face situations like this especially if your wife has become your confidant, best friend and the person you always discuss heartfelt matters with.

 

Anyway thanks for listening guys, I'll keep you posted to what transpires over the next couple of weeks / days or at least until I feel some answers have been provided.

 

Thanks again

[Bryanp]

I am sorry my friend but these are all classic signs of a cheating spouse. Many times the cheating spouse will attempt to cut off all sex with their spouse because they feel they are cheating on their lover if they have sex with their spouse.

 

The desire for complete privacy clearly indicates she is hiding things from you. She is gaslighting you and not telling you the truth. Since she is an attorney I would be very very worried about what she is up to. The bottom line is that all of the indications point to a cheating spouse. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?

[karnak]

 

Anyway thanks for listening guys, I'll keep you posted to what transpires over the next couple of weeks / days or at least until I feel some answers have been provided.

 

Thanks again

 

I honestly hope that all this is only a result of "hormonal change", daily stress or some kind of pressure and that your wife will return to normal.

 

The worst thing about adultery is not the sexual promiscuity in itself. It's the betrayal of trust and confidence. We're giving 100% of ourselves to a mutual project, while the other person is just interested in having their own way.

[misternoname]

Clues that led me to discover my ex wife's affair...

 

Locked cell phone

Cell phone always with her

New email address

Changed password on computer

She purchased a lap top for no good reason

Cold...distant

Unexplained absences

 

Sound familiar????

[goingstrong]

Red star....red alert, shields up, the Klingons are here....... Time to hire a PI...password tracking software,etc. Read some of the slow motion train wrecks on the forum, and you will quickly come to the conclusion that your situation is following the same recipe as the rest. Good luck.

Edited October 21, 2010 by goingstrong

[seibert253]

If it walks like a duck and quacks, well, it's a duck. Judging from what you wrote, all signs point to yes.

 

Now what are you going to do. Please just sit back and do nothing. You need to do some investigating to find out what's going on. Without stone cold proof, if you W is having an A, she will NEVER admit it.

 

-hire a PI if possible

-install keylogger on all computers she uses

-get detailed records of her cellphone bill, (will show telephone numbers of all received/dialed, and texts)

-Install a voice activated recorder in her vehicle, (the evidence I got from this was shocking)

 

If you do this and you find nothing, she probably is not involved in an A.

But, judging by what you wrote, I do not think it will take long to find the evidence you need.

[Minnie09]

I agree that there are signs of cheating, especially with all the plastic surgery going on and stuff, however, it is quite surprising to me that OP hasn't found anything suspicious as far as her monitored phone is concerned.

[YellowShark]

However I have started to discuss this with her in a more relaxed and open fashion to find out what the hell is going on.

 

Her most recent reply is that after the second birth of our child her hormones have not stabilized and thus her recent personality change. Something I can logically comprehend to certain points of my listed items.

 

Ok let's revisit what you said to see if the above quote makes sense.

 

1) "After the second birth of our child my hormones have not stabilized therefore I..." Bought brand new lingerie and alot of it.

 

2) "After the second birth of our child my hormones have not stabilized therefore I..." Suddenly changed all my passwords on my Laptop, cellphone, FB, etc.

 

3) "After the second birth of our child my hormones have not stabilized therefore I've..." Had my husband move from spare bedroom to spare bedroom.

 

4) "After the second birth of our child my hormones have not stabilized therefore I..." Now lock my laptop in the car overnight.

 

5) "After the second birth of our child my hormones have not stabilized therefore I..." Dont have sex, don't text my husband anymore, and don't tell my husband I love him.

 

Do those sound like plausible reactions to a hormonal change Redstar?

[GorillaTheater]

she may n she may not... she is probrobly thinking bout it if she doesnt let go of her phone.... dont try n bring up the topic just try to make her have fun with you again.... do something to show that you care for her..... n that will make her forget everythin....

 

Either that, or say to her: "look, I'm not sure this marriage is working too well. You don't seem to care too much for me, and I'm honesty unsure at this point how much I care for you based on your crap behavior. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. There are thousands of women around here and just one of me, and I like those odds. Maybe it would be best if each of us moved on. In the meantime, until we get this figured out, I'm moving back into the bedroom."

[Dexter Morgan]

I'd say she is spreading them for other men. Everything you listed are huge red flags. been there done that.

 

yes, she is cheating. cancel the beyotch.

[eamherst14051]

Ditto GT and DM

[Redstar]

Ironically over the last couple of days I've unknowingly used similar wording as what was suggested by "GorillaTheater" towards the W.

 

Suddenly after my little "chit chat" with her she's made a 360, I now have a "loving, caring" etc etc wife. However I'm definitely not naive and could possibly just be a change of tactics or form of manipulation from her part. She has now, without me even mentioning it or asked questions about it, started leaving her cellphone laying around and laptop has moved back into the house.

 

This brings me to 2 possible scenarios:

 

1. She has realized I've become suspicious and started covering her tracks better.

 

or

 

2. The fling / EMA contract has been canceled and she is now the "loving, devoted" wife again.

 

Either way I'm still fully determined to find out exactly what is happening or what did happen. Thanks for all the advise guys and will definitely pursue your suggestions i.e. Private Investigator etc.

 

Minnie09 >> I'm just as surprised as you are, believe me. I was expecting something to pop up. I don't think I'm not picking up anything because nothing is going on but I believe my W is 1 step ahead of me. I've now also changed the software to incorporate BlackBerry IM's including Call Intercept & Surrounding Recording & GPS Tracking.

 

So hopefully with this new age, state of the art software something will pop up.

 

Once again thank you all so so so much for contributing and as always I'll keep you posted. One way or another the truth must come out!!

 

Thanks again

 

Red

[seibert253]

Common practice for a WW to change tactics when confronted without "proof".

One of two things usually occur. The A is put on "hold" for awhile until the heat is off, or the A goes further underground; 2nd unknown cellphone, secret email accounts, utilizing the work computer instead of the home computer, I can go on and on.

 

IMO best thing to do is back off, well at least appear to, but stay in investigative mode.

 

If she's involved in an A and has put it on hold, it won't stay there for long. Especially if she thinks you've bought her line.

[YellowShark]

Common practice for a WW to change tactics when confronted without "proof".

One of two things usually occur. The A is put on "hold" for awhile until the heat is off, or the A goes further underground; 2nd unknown cellphone, secret email accounts, utilizing the work computer instead of the home computer, I can go on and on.

 

IMO best thing to do is back off, well at least appear to, but stay in investigative mode.

 

If she's involved in an A and has put it on hold, it won't stay there for long. Especially if she thinks you've bought her line.

 

Agreed 100% The BS suspicion has caused the WS to change gears. Now that she thinks the spotlight is on her, she is suddenly an open book when she was not a few days prior - (locked phone, changed passwords, hidden laptop.) Either the affair is over, or she and her AP have gone "silent" till the heat is off.

 

Once again Redstar I can't say for sure your wife is cheating, but she is doing the exact same things my cheating EX did when she WAS cheating. That is why I am posting the red flags for you.

 

(It's my sincere hope she is not having an affair.)

[Owl]

There have been many threads in the past along the lines of "spying 101".

 

You might want to look them up for ideas on how to get the 'proof' you need. There are all kinds of things you can do, and hiring a PI is just one of them...perhaps one of the most expensive options.

 

Voice activated recorders in her car or in rooms where she goes to talk on the phone are a very effective method. Having a friend that she doesn't know tail her when you suspect she's going out to meet with OM works well. GPS on her vehicle. If you are on the account for the phones, requesting the invoices or even paying for the text history can get you quite a bit. Keyloggers on laptops are very effective too.

 

Just be careful about legalities in your state, and realize that most if not all of the information you gather won't be useful as far as court goes...its only real value will be to get you "proof" to confront her and show yourself that you're not going crazy.

[PegNosePete]

The snooping is not the right thing to do here, I don't think. It is blatantly obvious that she was cheating, and has either gone underground, or put it on hold while the heat goes down. Just walk up to her cocky as hell and say you know exactly what is going on, and refuse to accept any BS. Even though you don't have 100% proof, she doesn't know that.

 

If she confesses all then there may be hope for reconciliation, if she is prepared to work at it. But if she continues to deny, she is lying lying lying, and you need to get rid of her.

[GorillaTheater]

If she confesses all then there may be hope for reconciliation, if she is prepared to work at it. But if she continues to deny, she is lying lying lying, and you need to get rid of her.

 

Good segue to this question: do you have a course of action mapped out, Redstar? You seem like a smart, level-headed guy. What are you going to do if you find out she's cheating? What are you going to do if you can't confirm things one way or the other?

 

You probably feel like you're in some kind of hellish limbo right now. How long you stay there depends largely on how well you've made contingency plans.

[jmargel]

Signs are there and often a cheater will bounce back and forth. It puts you on an emotional roller coaster and if you look at other posts on here you will see that women often do this.

 

One day they are great, the next day they are back to their old ways. The worst ones are, the ones that keep things 'good' between their spouse while continuing the affair then drop the bomb that they are leaving.

 

Here is some advice that I took when I was in my situation:

 

Have a heart to heart talk with her, don't give out any information that you already have on her. Let her do as much talking as possible. If she starts laying 'blanket statements' on you then that is a red flag.

 

Start acting a little more distant, don't be the first to say 'I love you', don't yell or act mean (gives her justification in her warped mind that what she is doing is ok, if she is cheating)

 

Start playing detective. You are a lawyer, use your resources. Voice activeated recorder hidden in her car, online cell phone bills and keylogger software on her laptop.

 

Actually I developed a keylogger that works pretty well. I have it running on two systems (both women are suspecting their spouse is cheating) and it's been recording their activities for the past 4 months. I'm selling copies of it, however you would be a good candidate for another test so I can give you a free copy if you want. It records their keystrokes and takes screenshots and then emails them to you. I have them setup a gmail account and it's sending an email every 10 minutes, with the logs and the screenshots (it's adjustable but it's set to take a screenshot every minute). Just let me know if you are interested.

 

It's hard not to assume things, just don't let your imagination go wild in regards to this. Is she coming home late at night? Is she disappearing and giving you vague answers on where she is? Does she shower when she gets home?

 

You can get private tests done on her underwear for semen, etc..

 

The best indication that something is wrong is when your instincts tell you. Don't ignore them.

 

Our goal on this board is not to tell you whether you should stay with her or leave her, it upsets me that others on here are telling you to 'ditch her'. We are here to help you get resolution to your situation and be able to help you see all angles on this and to provide advice on how to best deal with this situation.

[Owl]

PNP...most people who are cheating will simply NEVER confess without 'proof'. We've seen that time and time and time again here on LS.

 

They will deny up to the bitter end...sometimes they'll continue to deny even against that proof when it's presented.

 

I've got to disagree with you here, my friend. Confronting without proof will ONLY get more lies...not a confession, nor will it end the affair.

 

Once he's got the proof, then she's forced to admit the truth...and then the hard decisions can be made...but without it, she'll continue to deny/deflect/defend.

[mark982]

redstar, your wife changed recently. and you have a 6 month old at home. i would be doing a parenty test, that for sure.