i died today

[steelknife]

When I read your post it really brings me back to when my XAP ended with me. I was so focused on the feeling used, rejected, tossed away, I didn't mean anything, it was all a game, and on and on. I didn't even miss him I was so focused on the utter devastation of feeling used and like you said and that I allowed it. Although in my sitch you could say I was using him too since I was the married one (but in my heart I did not feel like I was using him).

 

My XAP had a long-term 5 year relationship with his gf, he ended saying that his feelings for her turned out to be a lot stronger than he had thought. Ouch. Anyways the pain did lessen for me, but I still cannot believe how it just went from one day to the next. He was a different person, I was blindsided by his response. I would have much rather he had been truthful all along in that this A was going to go NOWHERE. This A started that way and then he started to open up with his feelings to me. At first I resisted and then let myself fall for him. Then wham all of a sudden he was gone..vanished...for me. You are not alone in these feelings and they suck big time. I still deal with the feeling of being rejected 2 and 1/2 years later.

 

I hope we all find peace. (((Big hugs to you sweetie)))

 

i thnak you for your kind words. at this point in time, im really, truly lost. i dont know anymore what is the truth. everything seems all a lie.

 

i cant connect what has happened, how he left me, how it ended. how he can leave me just like that-when i thought we had so much more. that i meant so much much more. he was the one who never did want to let me go, he said he loves me, so often. he never wavered. he never missed any opportunity whenever he had one, to call me. if i sacrificed, he also did. he took risks to call me and be with me. and youre right, just words. where is the action??

 

if others like you can do it. i will. in time i will.. there is so much hatred and disbelief. and i feel so pathetic being all by myself. not knowing it what i believed in, what i had for the past 26 months was real. was it true? did he really exist? did WE really exist?

 

now it is all gone. just gone. dissipated in thin air. gone. and i am left with this hurting feeling. of disbelief. of betrayal. i wish this to be over soon.

[Ellin]

Amazing is how quick that happened. My mm had moved back home for the 3 time. I finally had enough, I was crushed to say the least, Again he came knocking at my door, said he made a mistake again, This after 7 days or so. I sat him down, told him I understand, I knew he loved me, but I also knew at that point he was "weak" and had no strength and courage to complete the process. I held his hand and told him I will finally accept this, that we were not meant to be.... Then I escorted him right out the door. That night, instead of crawling into bed to cry for the next 5 days and nights, I went out... And kept going out... and out:o Until I actually met someone new... I started to fall in love again:love: My mm started noticing the difference, He pursued me for 11 months, this time, he filed for D, moved out, He kept at it, while I was dating.... Until D day. I could not keep pushing away.... I had to decide... Today... we are together.. Its been a long road.. I still try to figure out how I got lost in all this mess. What I learned is to have tighter boundries... Much tighter.. Are we going to make it? Thats a question only the Gods know. Life has settled in, he is not the person I thought he was... much more simplier, boring in his own way... But we are putting in all our efforts to make it work this time... Very very different then all the other times... This time, I had hugh broundries in place, he had a lot of " proving" to do, and all papers had to be filed... Girls, the lesson I learned is also " dont stop living... he has a wife and as long as that is the case, go out and date! Dont let him be your number one till he earns it... You will see if you put him on "second " spot, how quick he will respond to be your number One! You will save yourself years!! Trust me on this one... and if he does not respond, he was not worth it any way:rolleyes:

 

Hi, Mino, thank you for sharing this.

 

I think you felt empowered after taking control back into your own hands by "escorting him out". That helped you not to crawl into bed with tears that night, as you proved to yourself that you are strong and can live your life the way you want it, instead of just waiting, worrying and reacting to MMs every move.

 

Really inspiring..

 

Glad to hear that things have worked out for you and I can identify with the feeling that MM turns out to be just an "ordinary" person when he's yours, while he seemed much more of a catch when you couldn't have him.

 

So all OW who are suffering a broken heart should take notice. MM seems a lot more desirable when he's unavailable then he actually is... He probably isn't worth you going through all this pain. Very likely he's really just another average Joe with good and bad features, that ultimately add up to nothing special.

 

It's the nature of human emotions and the dynamics of an A that make the feelings so intense.

 

But I know it's hard to believe that, while in the middle of this emotional storm.

[amerikajin]

I usually don't comment much in this section. I guess I've never understood why people end up so surprised and hurt when the WS ends up going back home. I understand that people get romantic and develop real feelings in these types of extra-marital relationships, but isn't there a reality breaker switch that kicks in there somewhere? If a man can lie so blatantly to his spouse, he can lie to any woman. Besides, affairs are usually a form of escapism, especially for men.

[fooled once]

thank you 2themoon&back for the stages of grief. truth be said, i dont really know where i am at this point. i dont know.

 

to fooled once,

of all the things you said, this one stands out most; Why aren't you ANGRY with him??

 

ya. why? i was. i still am. i dont know.

all i know is that i realized how used i was. and i will never allow myself to go through this again. ive lost myself, my dignity, my self esteem. i believed. i love genuinely, i gave my best understanidng for his lack of time, i waited patiently for every little time he has for me. and then, he drops me. aint that simply great?? what a joke.

 

and maybe, i knew i was as much to blame. i was a willing partner in a game he knew to play so well. i didnt know what i was up against. my only mistake was falling in love and not leaving some for myself. and i am very surprised he left me hanging.

 

what a joke.

 

Yes you have your own share of the blame. You are owning it.

 

You are really having a hard time accepting it as over, that he did this to you. That is what worries me. It seems to me that you need help getting through this - which is why I suggested a counselor. It is almost as of you are still in a state of shock. I am not saying this to be mean. I am saying what I see when I read your posts. I worry that you won't be able to move forward because you are 'stuck' in the "why" and "how could he" and this is causing you to question yourself and your value.

 

He did this because he is a jerk. You may not think so, but I did. Any MM who enters an affair and not only has a physical relationship, but gets involved emotionally AND encourages the OW to do the same is a dishonest person. I don't believe he didn't know when it came down to "sh*t or get off the pot" he didn't know that he was staying put. But he allowed and encouraged you to play a part in his life. He played a life at home - he played husband, father, etc. The majority of his life was at home - yet he gave part of his time and his feelings to you -- knowing full well you are invested 100% and he wasn't. If he was, he would have ended his marriage a long time ago - at least this is MY belief.

 

LOL...that thought always goes through MY mind when I read this same nonsense over and over here. A MM is God's gift to womenkind if he chooses to leave his wife/marriage/family to be with his OW. Why, he's almost a hero.

 

But if he behaves like the majority of them always DO when they're caught with their pants down - i.e., begging the wife for forgiveness and promising to dump his OW - then he's suddenly a spineless, cheating piece of crap and his wife deserves the little weasel.

 

Ain't it funny how a MM can go from a hero to zero in 4.5 seconds if he doesn't leave his wife?

 

I agree. These guys are great guys while involved in the affair yet schmucks when it ends. I believe they are schmucks the entire time. Men who value women would not put women in a situation like this and would NOT willingly want a woman they love to be in pain like many OW are. I am not talking about the affairs where it is sex only. I am talking about affairs where feelings and emotions get involved --- which I believe to be the majority of affairs.

 

If he leaves for the OW, the OW thinks he is this grand honest decent guy. When he doesn't, THEN he is the schmuck he led her along. What many don't understand, IMHO, is he is the schmuck all along by doing this. He gets 2 lives - the husband/father life and then the sneaking around, hot new sex life. When it is over, he goes right back to the family ... he may be around more and not sneaking to make phone calls, but really, the family doesn't see much difference whereas the OW is devastated, depressed and barely able to function and if she has kids, they suffer because mom can't seem to stop crying or get out of bed.

 

The person who helped cause this reaction to the woman is the same man who 3 days earlier was declaring undying love and a the desire for a future. Then he gets caught and boom, her relationship is over and he resumes focusing on his wife who he disrespected and broke her heart (just like the OW). But he is choosing to make sure the wife is okay, not the woman he claims to love more than anything. That is why they are schmucks.

 

^^^ The above is not true in ALL cases and I know that. ^^^^

 

This probably true in more cases than not, but I think it depends upon the individual circumstances. If the MM knowingly deceived the OW and gets caught then yes, he is a zero. I think it is perfectly fine for thw OW to vent about it if it helps her get past the pain. They need to in order to heal.

 

** Don't most MM knowingly deceive the OW? I mean, some say they aren't married, but they are. Some say the marriage is horrible, but it may not be. Do you know MM who tell the OW that the marriage is fine, he loves his wife, doesn't want to give up anything in that life - but hey, how about some new hot sex because I am just a little bored at home? Heck no - they have to reel the OW in, tell her how misunderstood he is, how ignored he is and how unhappy he is. I don't think there are a ton of OW who are told the actual truth and willingly decide to give their heart and turn their life upside down for a guy who is perfectly happy at home. Sure, they are may be a couple, but I would bet the majority of OW would NOT get involved if they knew they were a play toy who will be tossed aside. Again, I know there are OW who are only out for sex or a NSA affair, but I think those are more unusual and not the norm.

 

. In many cases, the OW gets thrown under the bus and they are left feeling devastated and angry. Angry at the MM and mostly angry at themselves for ending up in the situation to begin with.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is all part of the healing process. I think in many cases, where true love is involved, once the OW gets past the pain she feels sorry for the MM that he resorted to cheating instead of dealing with the issues of the M honestly.

 

AFTER the affair has ended, I don't think many OW feel sorry for the MM. I really don't.

 

 

WIB let me tell you the OP point of view :

In this case, hero or not, it means that a MM has chosen THE TRUTH OVER A LIE (his M is based upon a lie, his A is the reality of his emotional attachment)...He had the b*lls to make a CHOICE before getting caught. The choice not to cheat anymore and not to be a cake-eater and that what's honorable. The choice to let his W free to find a man that loves her and is faithful to her.

(This is valid for MW as well.)

 

*And how do you know that the his marriage is based on a lie? And his A is the reality of emotional attachment? If he was honorable, he wouldn't have cheated in the first place I don't think any woman who has been hurt by the MM should be told "well, his marriage is the lie and he really loves you". How is that going to help her moving forward? With that kind of advice, I would think many OW would then think to themselves "well, maybe one day he will end his M because I am his true love so I will sit and wait for that day to happen". I don't personally think that helps an OW move forward - I think that leaves her stuck in the past/in the affair. Again, just MY thoughts

 

Because in this 2nd case he has put himself in an ugly situation, acting with cowardice, like a little boy caught in fault asking for forgiveness...and probably lying to his W it was OW's fault because she seduced him so he had to dump her to get free form that 'Mmen predator'.

So he chooses to hurt the feelings of a woman that genuinely loved him for returning to a wife he has no respect for (and IMO that he doesn't truly love)

How is that kind of man a hero to your eyes WIB ?

 

*Do you not think he didn't hurt his wife by cheating on her yet coming home to her each day? Do you think the only one hurting after a DDay is the OW?

 

You will never be the person you were before this happened to you...with that said, that does not mean you will not be a whole person again, because you will! And you might even be better...but it will not happen today or even tomorrow but it will happen.

 

Just when you think you have lots your entire mind and you are at the very bottom of life, you will wake up one morning and your mind will be thinking differently and then it will happen again and sooner or later you will swim back up to the top to catch your breath and settle into the life you have now after the A.

 

What you are going through really truly sucks, believe me I have tried to stop time till I was ready to deal with the pain, but the pain just came anyway and I had to go with it and still am. I don't know how long it will take but the sooner you just take baby steps at being ok being in pain, just be where you are and stop thinking you may need to be somewhere else, you will get there ... I promise !!!

 

 

Totally agree with the bolded part above (and a lot of the rest of your post). Steel, the woman you were prior to the A is gone. The woman you became while in the A is gone. But that doesn't mean you were bad and are now good / you were worthy and now you aren't. It just means a MAJOR thing has happened to you and like with many of life's events, people change. They just do. but that doesn't mean they change in bad ways. Heck, after my A, I became a much BETTER person and while I hate like hell I did what I did, I am very happy with how my life turned out and I wouldn't change it for anything!

 

It would be so great if we could all move on that quickly. I think you're expecting too much of yourself. It takes a while to break that emotional tie but you will get through it.

 

The other thing, Steel, is that you need to be aware of how often the xMM contacts the xOW. Please prepare yourself for this because even though it's over in your mind, a simple phone call from him can turn it all around. If you're not prepared for what you will say and do, then it can catch you off-guard.

 

I hope you're doing better today. Hugs.

 

Excellent advice Angel

[Angel1111]

I think this kind of indulgence is plain weakness. It is justifying the other person for having been dumped. You would almost tell him 'thank you'. That's not having self-respect.

 

When you love your family and have responsibilities you stick with it and don't play with other people's feelings, that's called "using people" and it is ugly, there is no excuse to that.

 

It's not about justification, it's about realizing that in affairs, there are many factors involved, where these factors don't exist in normal relationships. In affairs, the options are different, the stakes are higher, there are numerous variables and unknowns, and they can all come back and smack you into next week if you choose to ignore them. It's kind of like people who raise venomous snakes and forget that they're dangerous and lethal. One day you stick your hand in the cage and...zap! Yea, very much like affairs....

Edited November 6, 2010 by Angel1111

[pureinheart]

I don't know if this has been said already or not, but please listen to this very carefully. First of all, there is NO DOUBT in my mind that that picture is a bunch of baloney. You're absolutely right that it's aimed at you. It's a total joke because I can tell you that it takes a good 2 yrs for a marriage to recover from an affair, if it recovers at all. Two weeks - that's a laugh. His wife is still reeling and he is no doubt missing you like crazy. Do not ever underestimate your value. If you're missing his phone call in the morning, don't you think he misses making that call and hearing your voice? No one cuts off their feelings that quickly. He's just laying low because his wife is watching is every move, his every phone call.

 

I'm assuming that those pictures are on facebook and I have no idea why you haven't de-friended him yet. Please do that and stop sticking your neck out for it to be chopped off. This man has betrayed you in the worse sense and you should not ever forgive this. Do you understand that? You should never forgive it in the sense that you ever allow him to talk to you or enter your life ever again. When people do this kind of thing, you must protect yourself at all costs.

 

I can pretty much guarantee you that you haven't heard the last of him. I would bet money on it, that's how certain I am that you will hear from him again. I know this is totally heartbreaking but please let yourself get through this and move past it. You will. I know it doesn't seem like it now; doesn't seem like you'll ever love someone like this again - but that's not true. You deserve so much better than this. Please walk away completely and let yourself heal.

 

Hi SK,

 

I have only gotten as far as Angels post (#40) and I totally agree with her. There is NO way that they are the couple made in heaven and it is extremely immature of her to behave in that manor...all I can say is their M must be really bad.

 

If I read you correctly, he has been in other A's, but yours was the longest....my dear, this is NOT a happy M.

 

Now for how he threw you under the bus in a sense...NOT COOL...it's your business to do with him as you choose when the dust settles...although I would not talk to him again after that, but that's me.

 

Whatever you do....PLEASE stay in contact with us...we do care for you, and what happens to you:)

[pureinheart]

I usually don't comment much in this section. I guess I've never understood why people end up so surprised and hurt when the WS ends up going back home. I understand that people get romantic and develop real feelings in these types of extra-marital relationships, but isn't there a reality breaker switch that kicks in there somewhere? If a man can lie so blatantly to his spouse, he can lie to any woman. Besides, affairs are usually a form of escapism, especially for men.

 

Very good to see you A!!!!!!

[pureinheart]

i thnak you for your kind words. at this point in time, im really, truly lost. i dont know anymore what is the truth. everything seems all a lie.

 

i cant connect what has happened, how he left me, how it ended. how he can leave me just like that-when i thought we had so much more. that i meant so much much more. he was the one who never did want to let me go, he said he loves me, so often. he never wavered. he never missed any opportunity whenever he had one, to call me. if i sacrificed, he also did. he took risks to call me and be with me. and youre right, just words. where is the action??

 

if others like you can do it. i will. in time i will.. there is so much hatred and disbelief. and i feel so pathetic being all by myself. not knowing it what i believed in, what i had for the past 26 months was real. was it true? did he really exist? did WE really exist?

 

now it is all gone. just gone. dissipated in thin air. gone. and i am left with this hurting feeling. of disbelief. of betrayal. i wish this to be over soon.

 

YOU ARE THE TRUTH, you really loved him, you were there, you did not throw him under a bus...what he thinks or doesn't think, feels whatever is irrelevant...you were real, and that is what is important.

 

If you spend any time at all figuring anything out, figure YOU out and what YOU want from this point forward.

 

We have a wonderful poster named in short JWI, and he would tell you that you have lost you...that's I think what concerns him the most concerning the ladies in your position...you place all you have in what????? Place all you have in YOU and everything will work out! (((((((((((hugs girl))))))))))

[newpriorities]

i thnak you for your kind words. at this point in time, im really, truly lost. i dont know anymore what is the truth. everything seems all a lie.

 

i cant connect what has happened, how he left me, how it ended. how he can leave me just like that-when i thought we had so much more. that i meant so much much more. he was the one who never did want to let me go, he said he loves me, so often. he never wavered. he never missed any opportunity whenever he had one, to call me. if i sacrificed, he also did. he took risks to call me and be with me. and youre right, just words. where is the action??

 

if others like you can do it. i will. in time i will.. there is so much hatred and disbelief. and i feel so pathetic being all by myself. not knowing it what i believed in, what i had for the past 26 months was real. was it true? did he really exist? did WE really exist?

 

now it is all gone. just gone. dissipated in thin air. gone. and i am left with this hurting feeling. of disbelief. of betrayal. i wish this to be over soon.

 

SK it seems that this is part you are really struggling with? How could he have said the things he did, you both felt the things he felt and then poof! It's gone. Well, YOU did feel the things you felt, he may have as well, but the thing is, there is no logic in these situations. You can analyze and analyze and review every details of things said and done in your relationship and it still may never make sense--this is very difficult to deal with, I realize it, but I truly believe it's part of what you need to accept as you are healing. You need to accept the fact that some if it cannot be reconciled. At least that has been my experience. I know everyone's experiences are unique, but I wanted to let you know that this is a possibility. I cannot reconcile the tenderness of my xMM during intimate moments and some of the things he said to me with his actions. I simply cannot make sense of it and have had to accept it for what it is. It is difficult, but you can do it and as many have said, you so deserve better:)

[spice4life]

Yes you have your own share of the blame. You are owning it.

 

You are really having a hard time accepting it as over, that he did this to you. That is what worries me. It seems to me that you need help getting through this - which is why I suggested a counselor. It is almost as of you are still in a state of shock. I am not saying this to be mean. I am saying what I see when I read your posts. I worry that you won't be able to move forward because you are 'stuck' in the "why" and "how could he" and this is causing you to question yourself and your value.

 

He did this because he is a jerk. You may not think so, but I did. Any MM who enters an affair and not only has a physical relationship, but gets involved emotionally AND encourages the OW to do the same is a dishonest person. I don't believe he didn't know when it came down to "sh*t or get off the pot" he didn't know that he was staying put. But he allowed and encouraged you to play a part in his life. He played a life at home - he played husband, father, etc. The majority of his life was at home - yet he gave part of his time and his feelings to you -- knowing full well you are invested 100% and he wasn't. If he was, he would have ended his marriage a long time ago - at least this is MY belief.

 

 

 

I agree. These guys are great guys while involved in the affair yet schmucks when it ends. I believe they are schmucks the entire time. Men who value women would not put women in a situation like this and would NOT willingly want a woman they love to be in pain like many OW are. I am not talking about the affairs where it is sex only. I am talking about affairs where feelings and emotions get involved --- which I believe to be the majority of affairs.

 

If he leaves for the OW, the OW thinks he is this grand honest decent guy. When he doesn't, THEN he is the schmuck he led her along. What many don't understand, IMHO, is he is the schmuck all along by doing this. He gets 2 lives - the husband/father life and then the sneaking around, hot new sex life. When it is over, he goes right back to the family ... he may be around more and not sneaking to make phone calls, but really, the family doesn't see much difference whereas the OW is devastated, depressed and barely able to function and if she has kids, they suffer because mom can't seem to stop crying or get out of bed.

 

The person who helped cause this reaction to the woman is the same man who 3 days earlier was declaring undying love and a the desire for a future. Then he gets caught and boom, her relationship is over and he resumes focusing on his wife who he disrespected and broke her heart (just like the OW). But he is choosing to make sure the wife is okay, not the woman he claims to love more than anything. That is why they are schmucks.

 

^^^ The above is not true in ALL cases and I know that. ^^^^

 

 

 

AFTER the affair has ended, I don't think many OW feel sorry for the MM. I really don't.

 

 

 

 

*Do you not think he didn't hurt his wife by cheating on her yet coming home to her each day? Do you think the only one hurting after a DDay is the OW?

 

 

 

 

Totally agree with the bolded part above (and a lot of the rest of your post). Steel, the woman you were prior to the A is gone. The woman you became while in the A is gone. But that doesn't mean you were bad and are now good / you were worthy and now you aren't. It just means a MAJOR thing has happened to you and like with many of life's events, people change. They just do. but that doesn't mean they change in bad ways. Heck, after my A, I became a much BETTER person and while I hate like hell I did what I did, I am very happy with how my life turned out and I wouldn't change it for anything!

 

 

 

Excellent advice Angel

 

Sorry for requoting your whole post FO, I'm still trying to figure out how to quote just a small portion of a post.

 

I get what you are saying and I don't disagree one bit. I was just merely pointing out that there some exceptions and you can't throw everyone into one category. But, my post was mostly about the OW's right to greive and if calling the xMM a dirty low down B!@#$% helps her to vent some anger, what's wrong with that? It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, love is love and heart break is heart break and needs to be greived.

 

When someone is devastated like steelknife is, their emotions are going to have them thinking all sorts of things. I don't think the "OW wins vs. The BS wins" argument has anything to do with the spirit of this thread. This thread is about steelknife and how she is coping with the pain she is left with and her healing. She is doing a fabulous job. That is all I was trying to point out.

Edited November 7, 2010 by spice4life

[steelknife]

i thank you for all your post. it serves as a positive encourangement for me. to fooled once and newpriorities, for pointing out my weakest point. the reason why it is so hard to move on. im stuck with the whys and the logic behind all his actions. because if he did love me, how can we end like this?? but anyway, im not yet done. but am tired of analyzing that. have you all felt what it feels like to be alive but feels nothing? suddenly, im not am not in pain. i dont miss him. i feel nothing. is this how it feels to be numb? am i still in shock? im trying so very hard to be able to cope and move on. and to be on the other side.. a better person. but at this point, it doenst look promising. ive done nothing to contact him. i wont. i never did in the past, and no reason for me to do so now..

 

for days, i kept thinking why i am feeling this way. if he feels the same way. why am the only one suffering..he goes back to his family and gets on with life as if nothing happened to him. havent he realized the life he left so broken and messed up? then from lying awake so many nights one day i got an answer. he rang me in my home phone 26 days after dday. i picked it up but i pretended i couldnt hear him. "hello?? hello?? hello?" i said but i hear him. he said hello and called me by my pet name. i said hello again then i hanged up. he rang again but i didnt pick it up anymore.. i have nothing to say. and im sure, he has nothing to say that i want to hear. my question re if he is also going through bad times has been answered. yes. sad thing is that he is not man enough to stand up for that and i already accepted that.

 

i actually felt nothing. normally, i woudl listen to what he has to say. well i already know he would tell me he misses me. and wants to hear my voice. and ask how are things. but that is not what i want..and if he cant say what i want, then there is really nothing to talk about anymore..

 

there is not a single day i dont thnk of him. he always come to my mind,many times a day. it like 29 days from dday tom. and slowly.. hopefully, ill get there..

 

but i am sure of one, two things actually, i would not allow myself to go through the pain the first 3 weeks. i lost a lot of weight, i dont eat, i dont sleep. im just staring into space..and im just starting to recover.. and ill never allow myself to hear what he has to say. if it is important enough, he will find a way. but if it is just to tell me he misses me; i dont want that. life has taught me a very hard lesson. the affair for 26 months has been so real for me. i gave my all. but like fooled once said, he lived a double life. but from where im standing now. the relationship was like a dream. surreal. what proof do i really have that it did happened? he and bs are trying so hard to built their marriage again.. where does that leave me? the only real proof that it happened is the pain that i still feel inside.

 

what did he want to accomplish by calling me? to find out if im still alive? has the bs somehow loosen her grip on him that he has the opportunity to call me? that i might still be waiting for him? too bad it doesnt work that way anymore. the pain i went though, the shame, the humiliation and the disbelief. i dont even know where to start or how to pick up the pieces again. im jsut glad i was able to NOT TALK to him, i didnt give in. i didnt want him to destroy the fortress i am starting to build for myself. i cant go through the whole shebang anymore.

 

i dont care anymore what the truth was or the lie. in my quiet times, i know he did love me. but it was a conditional love. and i know he is making up for hurting the bs. in turn, he hurt me. but in a way, i deserve it. the morality issue. but some things are just greater than the others, as opposed to hurting 4 people, he chose to hurt me. and him.

 

 

ive read other sob ow stories. some are worse than me and they survived. some are still struggling. i know that im not alone. if they can do it, i also can. in time i will heal. i jsut knew that i came to the right place. LS helped me a lot. and i thank all the posters.

Edited November 8, 2010 by steelknife

[steelknife]

how do i really start to move on? how do i heal? how do i forgive myself....

[East7]

what did he want to accomplish by calling me? to find out if im still alive? has the bs somehow loosen her grip on him that he has the opportunity to call me? that i might still be waiting for him? too bad it doesnt work that way anymore. the pain i went though, the shame, the humiliation and the disbelief. i dont even know where to start or how to pick up the pieces again. im jsut glad i was able to NOT TALK to him, i didnt give in. i didnt want him to destroy the fortress i am starting to build for myself. i cant go through the whole shebang anymore.

 

 

They (WS) all do that, breaking the NC. They all have the nerve to do it.. It is just guilt, weakness and a way to test your response if you are willing to go back and start the A all over. "I miss you" then what ? What does it change ?

Don't break the NC or it will be a setup for more pain and deceit preventing you to move on.

You will be fine without talking to him.

[steelknife]

after 30 days since dday. and 15 or 16 days since he last called me. xmm called me again. i wasnt expecting it. he rang me at home and i dont normally pick up the landline because no one calls me, but then i did. and it was xmm.

 

i wanted to hang up i could barely talk but no i didnt hang up. he never said he misses me or loves me.. just kept asking how am doing and whats keeping me busy. and i was distant, aloof and didnt give much info. but my mistake bec suddenly, secretly, i became hopeful, expectant...i feel a winner by being cold. but i lost by talking to him and listening to what he have to say. which amount to actually... nothing. he just wants to know i guess, if im still alive. or if i survived.. and i thnk i did a big show about surviving. but i said something like, you dont know the humiliation you put me through and he said he knows..its just that he lost in the battle bet calling me and not calling me. we did share a lot he said. and its not easy.. that he is also struggling with out me. i didnt mention anything at all about him or us. and he said something bout the bs not belieivng him at all when he said i was a mere fling.. i hanged up first. i said i have to go somewhere...

 

when i hanged up i was in shock for about 25 min. we spoke just mere 5 min- but i couldnt processed what just happened i just sat there. blank. not feeling anything. except regret for being greedy by listening to what he has to say...im a bit hurt. and glad that it seemed that he is also struggling.. the choice has been made and that was it. he did it and i know he did. and i realized today taht i have accepted it.

 

im a bit hurt. but im not a mess. i faltered a bit but i didnt even fall down. ill go on walking away...i know its over...and that conversation just confirmed what i felt. that i am breaking free. i want to be free.

Edited November 11, 2010 by steelknife

[East7]

 

he never said he misses me or loves me.. just kept asking how am doing and whats keeping me busy. and i was distant, aloof and didnt give much info. but my mistake bec suddenly, secretly, i became hopeful, expectant...i feel a winner by being cold. but i lost by talking to him and listening to what he have to say. which amount to actually... nothing. he just wants to know i guess, if im still alive. or if i survived..

 

I feel for you steelknife. I'm not surprised. Take a look at my post "Why do they break NC", they all the same.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=252734

 

.its just that he lost in the battle bet calling me and not calling me. we did share a lot he said. and its not easy.. that he is also struggling with out me. i didnt mention anything at all about him or us. and he said something bout the bs not belieivng him at all when he said i was a mere fling.. i hanged up first. i said i have to go somewhere...

 

Of course he is struggling. No more cake to eat. But he is not struggling for you, he is struggling because he lost you and maybe now he is losing his W. Let him in his M mess and change your home number or filter the calls. The unexpected calls are always emotionally hard to handle, he can email you then you can choose to answer or not. But IMO, no answer until you feel better and detached.

[steelknife]

I feel for you steelknife. I'm not surprised. Take a look at my post "Why do they break NC", they all the same.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=252734

 

 

 

Of course he is struggling. No more cake to eat. But he is not struggling for you, he is struggling because he lost you and maybe now he is losing his W. Let him in his M mess and change your home number or filter the calls. The unexpected calls are always emotionally hard to handle, he can email you then you can choose to answer or not. But IMO, no answer until you feel better and detached.

 

thank you for the link.i went over it and it is a great post. one that hopefully will help me end this mulling over.

 

i said to him in a jest, am sure you guys are ok and he agreed. said "yes but..." i didnt prompt him. actually i didnt want anymore to be privy to his and his bs relationship. i used to be a stupid listener to everything he had to say about him and bs. looking back, our emotional affair was so great and deep he told me evrything. even those things that can hurt me as the ow. things a wife or gf would get upset knowing about. but i listened. bec i ws stupid..

 

nothng was really accomplised with that call. except for me failing..hejust wanted to know how im doing.... but what for??

 

from where i am now, im stronger..am hurt. and broken. but ill never heal if i keep on with this. for a while i was able to hang on...i never have the urge to call him.. i never did that. all those questions i ask myself, i dont mind asking myself and getting my own twisted answer...if i listen to him, ill just fall back into a roller coaster ride of lies and twisted answers..he made a choice. be happy with that.

 

and if it hurts me to know i was dumped..lets put it this way, so i can accept and move on..the mistakes i made and the decision i wrongly justified to be in that affair are acknowledged and a very valuable learning tool.. i dont wanna get hurt this way again.. lets just say i am grateful he let me go... im free to move on... i should.

[ladydesigner]

(((Steelknife))) Girl you are doing great. F these men. He did you a favor. Think of it as a blessing in disguise. What kind of prize would you have won? A man that cheats on his wife and would probably cheat on the next one. He's a class "A" azz. You can tell I'm angry today no? LOL. Keep your head up and live life well. Don't ever let this stop you. Forward and upward to better things! Trust me one day you will look back and think WTF was I thinking.

[Ariadne]

after 30 days since dday. and 15 or 16 days since he last called me. xmm called me again. i wasnt expecting it.

 

I told you he was going to call and two weeks after the dday last talk is really not much.

 

It seems he will keep the contact and try and get back together.

 

I think you handled it well by being cool and not overly emotional or blaming.

 

Good luck either way. At least you got your "closure".

[Angel1111]

after 30 days since dday. and 15 or 16 days since he last called me. xmm called me again. i wasnt expecting it.

 

Told 'ya.

 

Now, why one earth do you say that it seems he's struggling. Why not just accept that fact that he is struggling, that this is hard for him, but he also has other responsibilities that he feels he must take care of. End of story. Accept it. Try to find solace in the fact he's hurting just like you.

[Angel1111]

nothng was really accomplised with that call. except for me failing..hejust wanted to know how im doing.... but what for??

 

Yea, there was actually something accomplished - he succeeded in betraying his wife yet again. If she knew that he picked up the phone to call you (twice now since d-day), she'd go through the roof, rightfully so. He also succeeded in hearing your voice again and caused you to hear his, and he also knows that you're still willing to talk to him. Lots of things were accomplished - just not from your perspective.

 

If he starts amping up these calls, you're going to need to make a decision because if this keeps up, the two of you will fall right back into the affair again. I promise. And don't tell us that you didn't see it coming because we're all telling you here that it can and will happen. People who have an emotional and physical tie find it extremely hard to break - the two of you are no exception. Unless you want to start the affair up again, then I suggest that you proceed with caution.

[spice4life]

Yea, there was actually something accomplished - he succeeded in betraying his wife yet again. If she knew that he picked up the phone to call you (twice now since d-day), she'd go through the roof, rightfully so. He also succeeded in hearing your voice again and caused you to hear his, and he also knows that you're still willing to talk to him. Lots of things were accomplished - just not from your perspective.

 

If he starts amping up these calls, you're going to need to make a decision because if this keeps up, the two of you will fall right back into the affair again. I promise. And don't tell us that you didn't see it coming because we're all telling you here that it can and will happen. People who have an emotional and physical tie find it extremely hard to break - the two of you are no exception. Unless you want to start the affair up again, then I suggest that you proceed with caution.

 

I agree with Angel you need to proceed with caution. He is going to continue calling and the calls will become more frequent if he sees you start to give into him. You have to be clear with yourself and what you want for YOU. Do you want to live a half life while he lives a life and a half? That is all he is willing to offer you and he made that clear when he told you that his BS didn't believe him when he told her you were a mere fling. He had a lot of nerve telling you that and it proves that this man is extremely selfish. He only cares about how he is feeling and is messing up you and his BS in the process - you by shoving that you were a mere fling in your face and his BS by going behind her back and calling you.

 

Watch out, this guy is working on plan to reel you back in. If you are serious about not getting involved with him again then you need to cut him off completely. Do not allow him the opportunity to turn your world upside down because he is not man enough to take FULL responsibility for his actions. This may sound evil , but you could blow up his spot, if keeps calling you by telling his wife to tell him to leave you alone. I know you don't want to go that far but you could if he leaves you no choice by trying to contact you. The contact is a "fix" for him. He needed to hear your voice and stroke his ego by hearing you are still upset.

 

Like you said, he made his choice and now he needs to "man up" and do the right thing by following through with that choice with a full effort.

 

One more thing, you are right that he was being hurtful when talking about his wife to you. That right there shows that this guy has no regard for anyone's feelings except his own.

 

You are doing great steelknife and don't let him upset your world because he can't deal with his own problems properly. He is betraying your right to heal by contacting you and he is betraying the BS by calling you.

 

You dodged a bullet and will be very happy one day that this guy is out of your life. He only knows how to operate withh deception and if you two ended up together, he would do the same thing to you. He sounds like a serial cheater. As hard as it is to accept right now, try to find comfort in knowing that one day you will see this all very clearly. And complete NC is the quickest route to get there.

 

Stay strong!!!

Edited November 12, 2010 by spice4life

[steelknife]

I agree with Angel you need to proceed with caution. He is going to continue calling and the calls will become more frequent if he sees you start to give into him. You have to be clear with yourself and what you want for YOU. Do you want to live a half life while he lives a life and a half? That is all he is willing to offer you and he made that clear when he told you that his BS didn't believe him when he told her you were a mere fling. He had a lot of nerve telling you that and it proves that this man is extremely selfish. He only cares about how he is feeling and is messing up you and his BS in the process - you by shoving that you were a mere fling in your face and his BS by going behind her back and calling you.

 

Watch out, this guy is working on plan to reel you back in. If you are serious about not getting involved with him again then you need to cut him off completely. Do not allow him the opportunity to turn your world upside down because he is not man enough to take FULL responsibility for his actions. This may sound evil , but you could blow up his spot, if keeps calling you by telling his wife to tell him to leave you alone. I know you don't want to go that far but you could if he leaves you no choice by trying to contact you. The contact is a "fix" for him. He needed to hear your voice and stroke his ego by hearing you are still upset.

 

Like you said, he made his choice and now he needs to "man up" and do the right thing by following through with that choice with a full effort.

 

You are doing great steelknife and don't let him upset your world because he can't deal with his own problems properly. He is betraying your right to heal by contacting you and he is betraying the BS by calling you.

 

You dodged a bullet and will be very happy one day that this guy is out of your life. He only knows how to operate withh deception and if you two ended up together, he would do the same thing to you. He sounds like a serial cheater. As hard as it is to accept right now, try to find comfort in knowing that one day you will see this all very clearly. And complete NC is the quickest route to get there.

 

Stay strong!!!

 

ariadne and angel1111. yes youre both right. he called and i wsnt prepared for it.. i just knew one thing.. i didnt want anyone to listen to him because i dont want to open up the gates of pain..not that it has closed..

 

it is so hard to believe what he has to say now. i would like to thnk he is struggling with out me.. i want that validated for my sanity. that he DID love me. in the throngs of anger, i could say i was nothing. but deep inside me, i knew better..there is just a great disparity between the family and me. in my search for myself, ive realized a lot of things. and it may not yet come into exact focus.. but somehow you get a sense of clarity as to why things happened this way. i am still hurt. the struggle he is going through without me is hopefully, the same way i am struggling. there are so many ways to look at this.. but at the end of the day, i guess it boils down to his obligation and committment. unfortunately, not to me.

 

when i was talking to him, i knew i didnt want to be in that position again. i used to believe everything he had to say.. i was very cynical the last phone call. and i knew deep inside me that i never want to be in that positin again. he made a choice, then stand up for it.. i would never allow myself to be the ow again the pain is too much. i just need to be strong so i can move on..i dont want to be the person i was in the affair.

 

if he and bs are "doing ok". whats the need to contact me? im never gonna settle again for the kind of crap. and i know he is not willing to offer me more...i have accepted that. and he has to let me go.

Edited November 12, 2010 by steelknife

[steelknife]

after all that has been said and done. where will i get the power to forgive him for hurting me.. and to forgive myself for allowing him...

[spice4life]

after all that has been said and done. where will i get the power to forgive him for hurting me.. and to forgive myself for allowing him...

 

I know it seems impossible right now but forgiveness will come with time. The person you need to forgive the most is you and once you do then you will forgive him. It takes a while but I have complete faith that you will get there. You deserve a lot of credit because your clarity regarding this situation is amazing. Stay strong steelknife your doing a great job. Very impressive. and remember, everything you are feeling right now is completely normal. Just allow yourself to feel the emotions and you will make it through.

[fooled once]

Sorry for requoting your whole post FO, I'm still trying to figure out how to quote just a small portion of a post.

 

* I still struggle with the requoting too

 

I get what you are saying and I don't disagree one bit. I was just merely pointing out that there some exceptions and you can't throw everyone into one category. But, my post was mostly about the OW's right to greive and if calling the xMM a dirty low down B!@#$% helps her to vent some anger, what's wrong with that? It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, love is love and heart break is heart break and needs to be greived.

 

 

 

thank you for the link.i went over it and it is a great post. one that hopefully will help me end this mulling over.

 

i said to him in a jest, am sure you guys are ok and he agreed. said "yes but..." i didnt prompt him. actually i didnt want anymore to be privy to his and his bs relationship. i used to be a stupid listener to everything he had to say about him and bs. looking back, our emotional affair was so great and deep he told me evrything. even those things that can hurt me as the ow. things a wife or gf would get upset knowing about. but i listened. bec i ws stupid..

 

nothng was really accomplised with that call. except for me failing..hejust wanted to know how im doing.... but what for??

 

from where i am now, im stronger..am hurt. and broken. but ill never heal if i keep on with this. for a while i was able to hang on...i never have the urge to call him.. i never did that. all those questions i ask myself, i dont mind asking myself and getting my own twisted answer...if i listen to him, ill just fall back into a roller coaster ride of lies and twisted answers..he made a choice. be happy with that.

 

and if it hurts me to know i was dumped..lets put it this way, so i can accept and move on..the mistakes i made and the decision i wrongly justified to be in that affair are acknowledged and a very valuable learning tool.. i dont wanna get hurt this way again.. lets just say i am grateful he let me go... im free to move on... i should.

 

Why did he contact you? Because he is trying to find out if he can start back up again! He is testing the waters, so to speak. He is trying to find out how much damage he did and if he can smooth things over and get back into an affair with you.

 

Yea, there was actually something accomplished - he succeeded in betraying his wife yet again. If she knew that he picked up the phone to call you (twice now since d-day), she'd go through the roof, rightfully so. He also succeeded in hearing your voice again and caused you to hear his, and he also knows that you're still willing to talk to him. Lots of things were accomplished - just not from your perspective.

 

If he starts amping up these calls, you're going to need to make a decision because if this keeps up, the two of you will fall right back into the affair again. I promise. And don't tell us that you didn't see it coming because we're all telling you here that it can and will happen. People who have an emotional and physical tie find it extremely hard to break - the two of you are no exception. Unless you want to start the affair up again, then I suggest that you proceed with caution.

 

Totally agree with Angel. You two WILL fall right back into the affair if you continue to listen to him, take his calls and give him his ego boost.