muteshake Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I have been with my ex for 3 years, we met romantically at a cafe and I knew he was the one for me(without even knowing his name). We dated eventually after introduced by one mutual friend two months after our first met. We get along, the relationship was 99% happy, i was in love during our first year relationship. Long story short, i caught him cheated, after almost one year of the affair. I was very sad and devastated, felt like the end of the world by then, but as I look back right now, it is incomparable to my current feeling of hopelessness. I go to University, he works, it's a two hour drive town, I visit him and stay with his mom every weekend. one day i forgot my charge from school and i have an important call that he loan me a phone that he no longer use to me, i check the inbox from this phone, i tried to link my memories with the dates and the text he sent with the inbox, it comes out a story like this. the whole affair took place one year after my discovery, he met another girl at a cafe and start to date her, she works as a sale somewhere close to where he works. they had lunch or movies or dinners, but i will eventually be home for weekends so he lie to this girl by saying he s on business trip, blahblahblah, so that he cannot see her for weekends. he used a completely different number to contact her and make sure the phone is hidden and off when i am with him, so i never finds out. but i am a very sensitive girl, i was in love with him all the time and suddenly something just doesn't feel right and i have no idea about what it is, i was very confused and called for a break. after i left him(our first break), he realized that the sales girl is not for him, and instead of breaking up with her(since the relationship they had is not that serious) he chose to just disappear from her world, phones off, cut all the connections and ****. six months has passed and i still love him very much, we didn't see each other at all, for about 4 months. we slept again sometime and he suggested that hope i don't mind and i was not really asking for any commitment from him. We officially get back together after the 6 months apart, we were engaged and i end up living with him and his mom again. I had a good relationship with his mom and things went well from the surface. But deep inside cause of the cheat before i don't trust him as much and i became obsessive in digging all the **** the he was hiding from me. I don't know what the **** is wrong with me, but i end up being a spy (almost to the professional level) he became defensive from me as well, trying to delete all the msg and txt from his phone, and don't leave no password in the computer just in case i would check. i have no idea how i did every possible thing i could to hack into his account (i am not good with computers or electronic) and starting to read his msn history with his guy friends. i have discovered that since we got back together from our break, he has been seeing hookers all this time. i have hard times to connivence myself of the fact, i still love him so much, and when he was with me, he really convinced me that i am the happiest girl ever live. but when he was with his guy friends, his whole personality splits. i felt terrified by this. i break down, i cried like crazy, i even tried to call his guy friends and threat them if you go again to see hookers i will tell your wife and kids **** like that. but it now proofs me that it doesn't work this way. this very recent weekend, i check his phone again, and found out that he called the hookers number again. he didn't talk about that in his msn chatting so i have no proof, his explanation is that he didn't go, he was calling for his friends. it was really hard for me to believe this ****, cause i think i 've been hurt too bad, and the way i am trying to spy on him is so ****ing creepy even for me. i hate myself for doing it, i love him deeply, i broke with him, i still miss him, and miss our perfect happy life. i don't know what to do. apart from the cheating part he is perfect for me. but the more i think about it, the more i fear of the wound that we left for each other. he said if i ever leave him, his life will be falling apart. we never get married, but we are living a married life, we have a home together, i still go to grad school but will be finishing in the summer, and our plan was to get marry and have kids after my graduation. he is a lot older than me, and i think that he would have be more mature to not fool around like boys in my school, but turns out that it just doesn't work this way. i am psychologically damaged, i completely shut down all my communications with others, i don't respond to anything except my academic life. i have very low self-esteem and trust for people now, i for most, i am terrify that i can never love again. thanks for reading, i know it's long.
Don Ho Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I have been with my ex for 3 years, we met romantically at a cafe and I knew he was the one for me apart from the cheating part he is perfect for me. i have very low self-esteem and trust for people now, i for most, i am terrify that i can never love again. Sorry to hear about your anguish Sis. You decided he was the "One" before you even knew him. Tons of people make this mistake. That's call attraction and infatuation. Very often it is attraction to the WRONG type of person .... and that is why subconsciously it is to appealing. Apart for the cheating?? WTF? Have you bumped your head? Obviously he is a CHEATER and a leopard never changes his spots. I would hardly call someone that cheated "perfect". Maybe a perfect mismatch or example of whom NOT to date. BTW, threatening his friends was pretty immature. Cheaters are liars by definition. It's no surprise to me that when you caught him the first time he repeated his action. As the saying goes: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME". You SHOULD NOT have gotten involved with him the second time. That was your bad and your mistake. That one is on YOU. A note to other members: DO NOT take back someone that has cheated on you. They either don't love you and/or they lack character and integrity and will only cheat on you again and break your heart. I think you had very low self esteem before him. That means you have to ask yourself "why?" and work on that issue. You will "love" again, but hopefully you have learned your lesson and will not fall for someone you know nothing about and find out if they have character and integrity before you get involved. Work on yourself. There is another, WAY better guy out there for you. Again, sorry for your pain. Time to do the hard work of really working on yourself and your insecurities. Good luck, keep us posted.
strength-abounds Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 muteshake, take it from someone who is walking in your shoes right now. That trust for your SO with never return to its full capacity. Once a cheater, always a cheater! My advice? Buy some new clothes, get a manicure, and visit a hair stylist. Find your self asteem again and start loving YOU! You will love again. That's a promise.
BlueMoonshine Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Sorry to hear about your anguish Sis. You decided he was the "One" before you even knew him. Tons of people make this mistake. That's call attraction and infatuation. Very often it is attraction to the WRONG type of person .... and that is why subconsciously it is to appealing. Apart for the cheating?? WTF? Have you bumped your head? Obviously he is a CHEATER and a leopard never changes his spots. I would hardly call someone that cheated "perfect". Maybe a perfect mismatch or example of whom NOT to date. BTW, threatening his friends was pretty immature. Cheaters are liars by definition. It's no surprise to me that when you caught him the first time he repeated his action. As the saying goes: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME". You SHOULD NOT have gotten involved with him the second time. That was your bad and your mistake. That one is on YOU. A note to other members: DO NOT take back someone that has cheated on you. They either don't love you and/or they lack character and integrity and will only cheat on you again and break your heart. I think you had very low self esteem before him. That means you have to ask yourself "why?" and work on that issue. You will "love" again, but hopefully you have learned your lesson and will not fall for someone you know nothing about and find out if they have character and integrity before you get involved. Work on yourself. There is another, WAY better guy out there for you. Again, sorry for your pain. Time to do the hard work of really working on yourself and your insecurities. Good luck, keep us posted. I would listen what Don says....this guy is on the money. Good post Don.
Author muteshake Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 I think you had very low self esteem before him. That means you have to ask yourself "why?" and work on that issue. You will "love" again, but hopefully you have learned your lesson and will not fall for someone you know nothing about and find out if they have character and integrity before you get involved. Work on yourself. There is another, WAY better guy out there for you. Again, sorry for your pain. Time to do the hard work of really working on yourself and your insecurities. Good luck, keep us posted. Thank you DonHo for the advice. It has been a week since I broke up with him, and we had a phone conversation last night, and I am feeling much better. i have done everything i could for this relationship to work (it's not i am just saying it i really feel this way), it's a shame that it does not work out, i am feeling less pain but more thankful for him being such a douche.
Author muteshake Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 My advice? Buy some new clothes, get a manicure, and visit a hair stylist. Find your self asteem again and start loving YOU!You will love again. That's a promise. Thank you strength-abounds for the tips. FYI, because my ex gets attracted to pretty girls, or girls that are more feminine looking. I have been taking good cares of my appearances (skin,hair,style) more than I needed to, i don't eat much for my weight. even most of my friends agree that i am pretty, that it still have nothing to do with my self esteem, i think it's the inside that i don't trust men (in general, not just my ex) i think i will be emotionally shut down for a while, i hope this stage will pass.
Author muteshake Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 thank you guys for actually reading my post! you people are amazing!
Don Ho Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 even most of my friends agree that i am pretty, that it still have nothing to do with my self esteem, i think it's the inside that i don't trust men (in general, not just my ex) Yes, you don't trust men based on the fact that you don't really, deep down, believe that you are wonderful or pretty. If you did, you wouldn't raise an eyebrow to a woman that flirted with your man. That means you're insecure. Most attractive women I know are very insecure. The woman I'm seeing now is 5' 3", 105 lbs, implants, long brunette hair, works out .... a solid 8. And she got jealous the other day when some "lumpkin" at the gym talked to me.
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