muteshake Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I have been with my ex for 3 years, we met romantically at a cafe and I knew he was the one for me(without even knowing his name). We dated eventually after introduced by one mutual friend two months after our first met. We get along, the relationship was 99% happy, i was in love during our first year relationship. Long story short, i caught him cheated, after almost one year of the affair. I was very sad and devastated, felt like the end of the world by then, but as I look back right now, it is incomparable to my current feeling of hopelessness. I go to University, he works, it's a two hour drive town, I visit him and stay with his mom every weekend. one day i forgot my charge from school and i have an important call that he loan me a phone that he no longer use to me, i check the inbox from this phone, i tried to link my memories with the dates and the text he sent with the inbox, it comes out a story like this. the whole affair took place one year after my discovery, he met another girl at a cafe and start to date her, she works as a sale somewhere close to where he works. they had lunch or movies or dinners, but i will eventually be home for weekends so he lie to this girl by saying he s on business trip, blahblahblah, so that he cannot see her for weekends. he used a completely different number to contact her and make sure the phone is hidden and off when i am with him, so i never finds out. but i am a very sensitive girl, i was in love with him all the time and suddenly something just doesn't feel right and i have no idea about what it is, i was very confused and called for a break. after i left him(our first break), he realized that the sales girl is not for him, and instead of breaking up with her(since the relationship they had is not that serious) he chose to just disappear from her world, phones off, cut all the connections and ****. six months has passed and i still love him very much, we didn't see each other at all, for about 4 months. we slept again sometime and he suggested that hope i don't mind and i was not really asking for any commitment from him. We officially get back together after the 6 months apart, we were engaged and i end up living with him and his mom again. I had a good relationship with his mom and things went well from the surface. But deep inside cause of the cheat before i don't trust him as much and i became obsessive in digging all the **** the he was hiding from me. I don't know what the **** is wrong with me, but i end up being a spy (almost to the professional level) he became defensive from me as well, trying to delete all the msg and txt from his phone, and don't leave no password in the computer just in case i would check. i have no idea how i did every possible thing i could to hack into his account (i am not good with computers or electronic) and starting to read his msn history with his guy friends. i have discovered that since we got back together from our break, he has been seeing hookers all this time. i have hard times to connivence myself of the fact, i still love him so much, and when he was with me, he really convinced me that i am the happiest girl ever live. but when he was with his guy friends, his whole personality splits. i felt terrified by this. i break down, i cried like crazy, i even tried to call his guy friends and threat them if you go again to see hookers i will tell your wife and kids **** like that. but it now proofs me that it doesn't work this way. this very recent weekend, i check his phone again, and found out that he called the hookers number again. he didn't talk about that in his msn chatting so i have no proof, his explanation is that he didn't go, he was calling for his friends. it was really hard for me to believe this ****, cause i think i 've been hurt too bad, and the way i am trying to spy on him is so ****ing creepy even for me. i hate myself for doing it, i love him deeply, i broke with him, i still miss him, and miss our perfect happy life. i don't know what to do. apart from the cheating part he is perfect for me. but the more i think about it, the more i fear of the wound that we left for each other. he said if i ever leave him, his life will be falling apart. we never get married, but we are living a married life, we have a home together, i still go to grad school but will be finishing in the summer, and our plan was to get marry and have kids after my graduation. he is a lot older than me, and i think that he would have be more mature to not fool around like boys in my school, but turns out that it just doesn't work this way. i am psychologically damaged, i completely shut down all my communications with others, i don't respond to anything except my academic life. i have very low self-esteem and trust for people now, i for most, i am terrify that i can never love again. thanks for reading, i know it's long.
lapse Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 muteshake, you just deserve better. i know you do and i hope you remind yourself of that every time it hurts. Right now I'm sure you don't want better - you want him - you just want him to be better. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You *will* love again. Feeling that you will never love again or that you won't find someone that you love as much is completely normal. Unfortunately, we all feel that way, which is why we are so hesitant about our decisions. But you will love again. And love someone who deserves your commitment and respect. I read your post because I too have become a spy. It sucks, and there's this thrilling satisfaction in it. That's a shame, isn't it? Not being able to trust the person you're with and wanting to be with them anyway... it's no way to live. Gosh, it's hard. And I'm sorry you're going through this.
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