2themoon&back Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 and no one died---except for me emotionally. I thought I had felt grief in my life but nothing like this. Here is the list of things I am trying to mourn at this time and cannot get a handle on any of them. The timeframe for all of these events is about a month. Empty Nest-my youngest child left for college in another state. He has never been away from me for any real amount of time and never this far away, he is 13 hours from home. I miss him awful. Divorce-I had a very long separation (years) before the divorce, but the finality of it is still very emotional. We divorced because my xH did not want to do the emotional work to make our M work. We were very amicable, but the loss is still painful—he did not want me and to realize I am really on my own is so scary to me. Very intense Affair with a MM-which started in some way to validate my worth because of the rejection my H. The A became my life for 3 years and just ended very abruptly with a lot of turmoil and I am deeply in love with this man and can do nothing about it except to move on with my life no matter how much I do not want to. This has left me very confused and hurt in a way I have never known. I also struggle with NC; I was not ready for NC. The loss of one of my best friends, due to her opinions of me being the OW. She was not honest with me during the A, only when it ended did she tells me how she really saw me. This was a reaction I was not prepared for and have not dealt with well, even wrote about it in a separate post. Job change—I had a job I loved and a prestigious position, but because of A, work with xMM, I was demoted, moved to a less desirable position in a different location and my hours changed from an 8 hour shift to a 12 hour shift. My boss said nothing would happen to me because of the A, it happened outside of work and one month to the day, he told me he could no longer work with me because the A had embarrassed him, so I feel betrayed by him as well. I was very involved at work with volunteering my time for different clubs and committees and was removed for no valid reason except for the A. I feel humiliated and ostracized at work at a time I was not up to handling that kind of treatment and have not been back to work since Aug. and feel like I cannot go back to work, at least not there, so i will have to look for another job, this to is scary to me. I have discussed most of this in different post, but what I am trying to deal with here is how to cope with the grief of all this. I am not doing well; I feel I am still in the same place I was when this started. I do go to IC, and I did take antidepressants for a month, and had some extremely bad side effects from them, I had suicidal thoughts all the time, until I stopped taking them under my doctor’s care. So now I am trying to deal with all this and the depression without medication and I have lost a month because of the medication which was a huge setback for me. I feel so dead inside and numb except for pain, is that normal? I feel I have lost my life and my identity, like no one needs me anymore or that I don’t matter. I cannot make heads or tails of anything, I just cry a lot. I do not have any energy to do anything, I enjoy nothing. I feel soul-less and I have even lost my faith in God. I do not understand what is happening to me, my IC says this is grief and it will pass, but from where I am I cannot see this happening anytime soon. I would like to know if anyone else has ever felt this way and if so how you dealt with it. I would also like an outside view, is this a lot to deal with at one time or does it just seem that way to me?
Recommended Posts