DarthJasper Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 OK. Let me throw out some background. I've been with my wife for 10 years now. In this relationship and all those in the past I have been a constant seeker of attention. I have had major issues with the opposite sex and needing validation. I have been in three major long term relationships since adulthood. In college the girl I was with was as needy as me but we were poison for each other. I blamed her lack of understanding for my need for attention and affection. And also for my near constant indiscretions. The crazy thing about it was that there were lengthy periods that I was convinced of my feelings for her. We split when we were done with college. It was convenient timing and I had already met the woman who would become my first wife. My first wife I was with for 5 years. I was faithful to her up until the very end of our marriage. We had both moved on emotionally. She had already moved on physically as well. Her constant control and jealousy drove a wedge between us. When we were near the end, I met up with an old friend from college at a Con. Things happened but as I said we were friends and it was a one-time thing. I met the woman who would become my current wife that same week. As is my habit I fell hard for her and near instantly. As I said we have been together 10 years now. For a time she put up with the flirting with waitresses, the emails to girls who were friends from college, the hot-or-not websites seeking confirmation of my attractiveness. But last year things went too far. An old friend from college found me on Facebook. We had never been an item. I had a crush on her back then but I had a crush on every attractive girl who paid me any attention. I can't count them on both hands. But it was a weakened time in our relationship and things progressed too far and out of my control. This was a woman who had always been out of my league and she was as needy for attention as me. And she knew all the right buttons to push. So things went too far. It was a long distance relationship, about 3000 miles, but it went about as far as it could with the geography involved. And my wife was crushed. She has given me a year now to reconcile this but I have no idea where to go or what to do. The whole 'inability to start projects' in a big way. I talk myself out of everything I come up with before I even start it. I stick my head in the sand and wait for things to blow over. How do I get out of this rut and move forward? I cut off communication with the old college friend/target of my illicit feelings/actions right after everything came to light. I deleted the Facebook account and dropped the email address from her. I wanted to do anything I could to set my wife's mind at ease. My time is running out for coming up with reconciliation. I am looking for some kind of treatment provider here to get whatever help I can. In my field I am used to sending others for substance abuse issues. I have never had to seek out aid for myself before. I truly love my wife. Sometimes she says I love her too much. She claims she gets tired of being put up on a pedestal. I can see the self destructive path I was headed down before I met her. She was even more damaged from her past than I was and it gave me an anchor to hold onto. We have two wonderful kids, age 9 and 7, and I know they need both of us to have the best chance in this world. I want to fix this more than anything. I just can't seem to build the confidence up to break the lethargy. It weighs heavy on me. I have got to break out of this before it gets to where I have no hope of fixing things. Please help?
What_Next Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 My opinion? Let her go because she deserves someone better than you. Sorry to be blunt but you need it. Your post comes off as a whining little boy. It's all about "you" and what you need or want. Good god man, grow up, go out and get some counsiling and stop this behavior. Until then let your wife continue on her merry way. Wow.
strength-abounds Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I agree with What Next. Dude, you screwed up. Sorry but you did.
Minnie09 Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Well, the good thing here is that OP actually understands why he has slipped into this predicament. It was all due to his need for validation and attention from other women. It's a big step in the right direction if someone is actually trying to figure out why he made the choices he made. Being introspective is a good thing. Blaming himself and not his M for the damaging decisions he made should be seen as a chance. Talk to your wife, explain your thoughts to her, ask her for forgiveness, try MC and IC and make a promise and an effort to "heal" yourself. Show and feel remorse. Be upfront and honest. That's all you can do. If she believes that you mean it, the M is salvageable. I wish you all the best. I was married to someone like you, but all he did was blaming his deficiencies on others. Entitlement was written all over him, and when he screwed up, and he did that quite often, he never owned it or showed responsibility. I don't see that in the OP, and I have to say that if my ex had shown some remorse, I would have been more than willing to make our family work. I would've been there for him to help him and myself heal and be better. Maybe your W thinks thar way, too. Go ahead and find out!
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