Fooser Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Hey guys, Not sure if this is the usual kind of post here, but I think it relates. My wife and I are separating after 9 years of marriage. Turns out after putting all the blame on me, I found out she had an affair. So the marriage is over, and it's time to go foreward. Since the beginning with a separation agreement that she put together, everything in it was actually very fair for me. She doesn't want any of my pension or RSP's. We are splitting up everything very evenly. The only issue I had was the time she was proposing to let me see our kids. She only wanted me to have the kids: Every other weekend Every Tueday from after school til 8:00 pm Every other Thursday from after school til 8:00 pm Of course kids sports and all that we could both go to watch as they would want that anyways. Than I found out about the affair she was having. I now can't trust her in anything verbal she has said to me when it come to extra availability for me to see the kids. I have now decided that I wand 50 / 50 physical custody as well as 50 / 50 joint custody. Problem is, she is pretty much still saying no. Here is why this is so screwed in my opinion. -I have never been physically, verbally or emotionally abusive to my ex or our kids. -I have no criminal record. -I have a very secure job with a municipality. -I have volunteered in the past with my community, and organized a fund raising charity for Sick Kids Foundation in Toronto for the last 2 years. -I am in the process of buying a new house in the same subdivision as she has, which is the same sub division that we have lived in for over 10 years now. -The kids go to school in this sub division. -The kids Grand parents (Hers) live in the same sub division as us, and help us look after the kids I guess it may benefit to tell you that we live in Ontario, so that may be a factor for any answers with related experiences you may post. My question is this. She is resisting stating that she always saw the kids off to school in the morning before she went to work. I stated to her that I always received them home after school, got them doing homework, cleaned the kitchen, and made sure dinner was made every night. Everything else besides a couple of things she and I did with our kids by ourselves, we did as a family. So why would she not want me to have the kids half the time? She has no reason at all. She does have a larger income than I do, yet she wants me to pay her monthly for support. We both know that if this ever went to court, a judge would look at the situation, and ask why we are even in court wasting time. We both have also told each other that we don't want to waste time, funds or anymore emotion in dealing with the proposed separation agreement. This is the one thing we can't seem to agree on. I made a proposal to her a few days ago stating that the 2 mornings a week that I would have the kids, I would bring them to her house so that she could see them off to school. She seemed a little more agreeable when I said that so we'll see. I havent hounded her about this, but I have made it clear to her and her lawyer that I am prepared to go to court if we cant figure this out. Will she come to her sense on this? Does anyone have any advice on what to do here? All I want to do is be a dad just as much as she wants to be a mom. Why can't she see that? What should I do? Please tell me what you guys think. Thanks.
blizzard Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) I'm sorry your family is having to endure this...I am going through a similiar situation. Our reasons for seperation are similiar as well. We have also been married 9yrs. We seperated in June 09. And have remained that way. The first week H went next door to live with his family. As my inlaws live in the same subdivision too. It didn't work. He spent more time at our doorstep. And it really confused the kids to be so close and not be able to see dad. They wandered back and forth from houses. H demanded that he move back in and that he would leave when kids went to bed and stay next door. It lasted two weeks. That didn't work either. There were nights that he didn't leave until midnight b/c he wanted to use computer, etc. H then demanded to move back in completely. He lives on one side of the house. Me the other. During this chaos he accused me of having an affair the entire time. I was not. We decided that we were going to divorce after the holidays. By Dec, I had become intimate with someone that had merely been a friend. So, I then found myself guilty of having the affair. We discussed many options with the children...which is the hardest. He wants 50/50. I agree to every other weekend and one night during the week. I agreed that he may come over and help with HW whenever or take them to dinner as long as he gives notice. He REFUSES this. He wants things more concrete. He wants the kids 4 nights during the week...then 3nights the next. Flip flopping some weird schedule. I am irate. Kids do not need to be shuffled about during the school week. And yes, I have been the primary care parent. I have been a SAHM. I see to Dr. appts, bfast, lunches, dinners, baths (he does bathe occasionally). I have made our house a home. I put work into seeing the kids have clothes, the things they love. I take them EVERYwhere the want to go...together. I care for them when they are sick. I make sure the live cleanly. I do their laundry. I know that they need to sensitive laundry detergent on certain items. We bake cookies. We play dolls. I could go on...these are just examples. All the while he has his hobbies. H never takes them places. If he does on the rare occasion he only takes one. Never them both together. And really he never takes the youngest (3yrold) anywhere. I live for the weekends to have fun with the kids...to take them to the beach or a museum. We three love doing stuff like that together! His idea is to sit home,watch tv and keep the kids indoors...maybe let them out for 30mins while he does nothing. I am not saying that my H doesn't love them. But I am not convinced that he can't "care" for their needs as well as I can. Like a mom can. My H keeps his side of the home like he did as a bachelor. Yuck. The smell. The uncleanliness. Now that I am employed. I still do these things. I still go to all parent stuff at the school. I make sure they are dropped off and picked up. I take time off of work...or ask family to do so. He does not. And frankly, it is exhausting. I don't mean to vent on you. But please understand where she is coming from and try to work together on this. Your situation may be different in caring for your kids...but I do basically everything. I did agree to buy him out of our home. Which is tough. But his folks do live next door. Having kids 50% of the time is TOUGH so be ready so be careful to not break off more than you can chew. Many dads do. BTW- We are STILL seperated. But pending divorce. Financially it's been tough to do...and most heartbreaking is that we can't seem to divide our children The future holidays are so hard to think about. (((hugs))) Edited October 21, 2010 by blizzard
What_Next Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Fooser, I don't have any advice for you, although I wish I did. I am in a similiar situation and am also in Ontario. My STBX and I have agreed verbally on custody and thankfully she has kept her word and is not making things any harder than they need to be. Right from the word go we decided on 50/50 custody and that is what we are sticking to. Neither of us have approached lawyers (well she says she has not) either and I have no intentions of going that route. Please let me know how things go.
GorillaTheater Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I don't know how the courts typically deal with custody issues in Ontario, but if I were you I'd prepare myself for the strong possibility that you'll never be able to convince her that 50-50 is best for your kids, and that you'll need to fight tooth-and-nail for it. Best of luck, brother.
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