Should I believe him?

[KarmasTestDummy]

So I talked to him again and he says that he has talked to his W, and as you suggested, she does not want to get a D at this time. He says he needs to at least wait until the holidays are over. We have decided not to talk to or see each other until that time.

 

I guess I will just have to wait and see if all his talk will come to fruition the next time we see each other. Until then, I plan to live my life, go out with my friends, and while not necessarily WAIT for him, not date anyone else either. I do not think I am ready to date at this time anyway, although he has told me that if I wanted to, I can date other people, but he wouldn't be thrilled about it. That it would be hypocritical of him to say that I can't while he's still with his W.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd share my update with you all, and thanks again for all your comments and advice! I really appreciate it.

 

This is a man being puppeted by his wife. Your wants and wishes are disregarded. How your holidays will be alone are irrelevant. He doesn't deserve a second thought or for you to wait around for even a minute. That should have been enough for you to say F off then.

[Kismetly]

Sorry Girl. You sound pretty fatalistic about it all, but I can feel how much it hurts.

 

So back to no contact hey? Good luck.

[jennie-jennie]

This is a man being puppeted by his wife. Your wants and wishes are disregarded. How your holidays will be alone are irrelevant. He doesn't deserve a second thought or for you to wait around for even a minute. That should have been enough for you to say F off then.

 

I don't get it. Why can not a man who has both a wife and an OW, talk to both while making decisions?

 

I see nothing wrong with the MM respecting his wife's wishes to wait until after the holidays with the divorce.

[sc58]

This is a man being puppeted by his wife. Your wants and wishes are disregarded. How your holidays will be alone are irrelevant. He doesn't deserve a second thought or for you to wait around for even a minute. That should have been enough for you to say F off then.

 

Wow, didn't even think about that. I guess since a few of my friends are coming to visit me during the holidays, as well as my sister, and since I will be going on a trip with my family to visit my grandmother, I didn't really think I would be "alone" during the holidays. But he didn't know any of that...

 

Well, I don't want to say that I want him to get divorced NOW. Don't wait till the holidays, be with me NOW. I don't want to feel that I'm the reason for the divorce, that I'm the one that pushed him. His wife actually doesn't want a divorce...I don't know, he telling me to trust him again, but because of what happened last week, I don't know if I can. At the same time, I don't think I can just say "F off"

[sc58]

Sorry Girl. You sound pretty fatalistic about it all, but I can feel how much it hurts.

 

So back to no contact hey? Good luck.

 

Yup, back to no contact. And I think that's best for both of us. I don't want to be constantly wondering what's going on at home between them, and he shouldn't have to deal with me constantly asking while he's going through this tough time.

 

And if at the end of the holidays, he flip flops on me again and decides he's going to stay with his wife, then fine. That'll be the end of it and no way in hell will I ever take him back again. I let him know that, too. And I'll be just fine because I CAN get over him and there are other men out there who would LOVE to be with me. I did not say this to him, though. Didn't want to make him feel as if I was threatening him...

 

Thanks for wishing me luck, but either way it plays out, I realize that I'll be okay. If he does get a divorce, then great, we can try to make things work as a real couple and see where that goes. If not, like I said, I'll get over it and move on.

[sc58]

I don't get it. Why can not a man who has both a wife and an OW, talk to both while making decisions?

 

I see nothing wrong with the MM respecting his wife's wishes to wait until after the holidays with the divorce.

 

I feel the same. He asked me if I was okay with that, and I said fine, as long as you're intending to get a divorce. I would prefer his divorce to go smoothly and as amicably as possible, which he is trying to do for the sake of his kids. And I totally understand that. If he's gotta wait till the holidays are over, then so be it. And it's not like we're going to be seeing each other during this time, so he's not "having his cake and eating it too."

 

HOWEVER if after the holidays he says, oh but now I have to wait until my kid graduates, then I'll be a bit skeptical about his real intentions and probably bail. So I'll just have to wait and see.

[whichwayisup]

.....my MM called today after 6 days of NC and I answered. Probably shouldn't have, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw his number and I answered. Mostly cause I was curious about what he had to say after he had decided to "work things out" (or pretend, as he put it) with his wife. He asked me if I was willing to wait for him, that he wanted to be with me and was ready to do what was necessary to make that happen. He said that he has given up on his marriage and realizes that it won't work.

 

If you choose to believe him, you'll be fooling yourself. After SIX days he throws in the towel after telling you he's going home to work things out at home?

 

Shield your heart. I think this guy isn't sure either way and because of that this has the potential to really hurt you if you trust his words.

[sc58]

I interpret his behavior as being unsure as well. I don't necessarily think he's playing games with you as much as his inclinations are easily changeable. You'll probably experience this several more times over the next couple of months. He's not going to stay NC with you so expect more of this.

 

Let him figure this one out on his own. Not threatening him is good, and I totally understand not wanting to influence his decision. Staying out of it is probably the best for all until he actually takes some action.

 

I don't think he's playing games with me either, or else he would have asked to continue seeing me, not to not talk to or see each me until he has worked out his issues at home. He SAYS he is sure, SAYS he is serious, but until he actually DOES something I am not going to trust him completely. And like you said, will just stay out of it for the time being until he takes some action.

 

Although I am wary of what WWIU said as well. It's only been six days, so I would not be surprised if he did another flip flop in a month and decides he needs to work things out with his wife again. But since I'm not going to be talking to him or seeing him, and I'm going to live MY life independent of him, whether he does that or not, I'll be fine.

[jennie-jennie]

I feel the same. He asked me if I was okay with that, and I said fine, as long as you're intending to get a divorce. I would prefer his divorce to go smoothly and as amicably as possible, which he is trying to do for the sake of his kids. And I totally understand that. If he's gotta wait till the holidays are over, then so be it. And it's not like we're going to be seeing each other during this time, so he's not "having his cake and eating it too."

HOWEVER if after the holidays he says, oh but now I have to wait until my kid graduates, then I'll be a bit skeptical about his real intentions and probably bail. So I'll just have to wait and see.

 

I think you should make this clear now already. If you expect him to get a divorce after the holidays and not wait until his child graduates, tell him so now, so he can set his mind to this.

 

Make your wishes and intentions clear to him. That way, if it is really important for him to wait for the graduation, he should tell you that now too.

 

Personally, I would probably be fine waiting for the graduation, but if you aren't, you should put it out there.

[jennie-jennie]

If you choose to believe him, you'll be fooling yourself. After SIX days he throws in the towel after telling you he's going home to work things out at home?

 

Shield your heart. I think this guy isn't sure either way and because of that this has the potential to really hurt you if you trust his words.

 

6 days of NC is a lot. 6 days of NC made my MM realize that it was no use for him to work on his marriage. He has never brought it up again.

[Carrot2000]

I don't think he's playing games with me either, or else he would have asked to continue seeing me, not to not talk to or see each me until he has worked out his issues at home.

 

NC on his part? Not likely. He couldn't go 6 days, now he's saying he won't contact you for three months? Whatever. He'll be calling by next weekend, saying how much he misses you and will try to sweep you back into an affair.

 

Be prepared...

[sc58]

NC on his part? Not likely. He couldn't go 6 days, now he's saying he won't contact you for three months? Whatever. He'll be calling by next weekend, saying how much he misses you and will try to sweep you back into an affair.

 

Be prepared...

 

NC was his decision, although he did say that he would call once in a while to keep me updated on what is happening, and to make sure I was still there for him. When he called this time, he did say that he missed me, but did not try to talk me into seeing him again...But like you said, it's only been 6 days, so we'll see...

[sc58]

6 days of NC is a lot. 6 days of NC made my MM realize that it was no use for him to work on his marriage. He has never brought it up again.

 

But from what I've been reading from your posts, he's not planning on leaving his wife either? That seems strange to me...

[whichwayisup]

6 days of NC is a lot. 6 days of NC made my MM realize that it was no use for him to work on his marriage. He has never brought it up again.

 

???

 

In your situation, fine. You know your MM isn't leaving and you're OK with being the OW, him living a double life, one with his wife and one with you but sc58 doesn't seem to want to just be the OW and share MM with his wife.

 

SIX days is not enough time in most cases.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he's playing games with me either, or else he would have asked to continue seeing me, not to not talk to or see each me until he has worked out his issues at home. He SAYS he is sure, SAYS he is serious, but until he actually DOES something I am not going to trust him completely. And like you said, will just stay out of it for the time being until he takes some action.

 

Although I am wary of what WWIU said as well. It's only been six days, so I would not be surprised if he did another flip flop in a month and decides he needs to work things out with his wife again. But since I'm not going to be talking to him or seeing him, and I'm going to live MY life independent of him, whether he does that or not, I'll be fine.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders and a healthy attitude towards this. You know what you want and how much you can take. Don't settle to be second fiddle, even more so if you can't handle just being his OW.

 

Go live life, be happy. Don't ever make this guy number one priority until he can prove to you that HE is worthy of it!

[whichwayisup]

NC was his decision, although he did say that he would call once in a while to keep me updated on what is happening, and to make sure I was still there for him. When he called this time, he did say that he missed me, but did not try to talk me into seeing him again...But like you said, it's only been 6 days, so we'll see...

 

Be careful with this. Last thing you need is a once a week "update" on the status of his marriage, his frame of mind. That drama isn't something you need to get sucked into, especially if you want to detach abit from him so you can just live life peacefully.

[jennie-jennie]

But from what I've been reading from your posts, he's not planning on leaving his wife either? That seems strange to me...

 

I thought so too. I really had trouble getting my head around that after NC.

 

6 days of NC was enough to prove to him that he is not able to work on his marriage as long as he has me in his life. He has realized that. But from there to taking the step to divorce his wife is yet some distance. Insurmountable? I don't know, the future will tell.

 

???

 

In your situation, fine. You know your MM isn't leaving and you're OK with being the OW, him living a double life, one with his wife and one with you but sc58 doesn't seem to want to just be the OW and share MM with his wife.

 

SIX days is not enough time in most cases.

 

Oh, do I know my MM isn't leaving? No, I don't. I hope he will.

 

SIX days can be plenty when it is about no contact with the person you love.

[Star_Bright]

NC was his decision, although he did say that he would call once in a while to keep me updated on what is happening, and to make sure I was still there for him. When he called this time, he did say that he missed me, but did not try to talk me into seeing him again...But like you said, it's only been 6 days, so we'll see...

 

Wow the more I read of your posts, the more similar our situations seem! I would be the one to go NC with my exMM but he would tell me he wanted to get divorced and be with me, and ask me if I can wait for him, but not give me a timeline. Then he would agree to NC but ask if he can contact me now and again to see how I'm doing and whether I was still single. WTF. This offended me! Like I was going to just sit around waiting for him to call for the update (of course in real life it turned out he felt the need to check in on me every day and ask if I'd hooked up with anyone, which double offended me).

 

I don't get it, so they are supposed to have all the time in the world to decide between wifey and us and we are supposed to just wait for them to decide they MIGHT pick us?? No way. Don't do that to yourself, tell him not to contact you unless he's filed (at least). Don't be second best or back up plan or an option. There are lots of guys out there who would want to be with you and only you! And believe me you won't be able to find them if you're waiting around on MM. When exMM asked me if he could do this (he also asked me if he could call or text me on Sundays during our favorite team's football game... WTF), I said NO. You cannot use me or rely on me in any way until you are giving me all of you. It isn't fair and will only cause me to think about you and stay caught up with what is going on with your life instead of living my own life (which is what he wanted). It leaves them an option to see if we're still available to them while they still sit there married. It won't help anything! I say all or nothing! What is wrong with these juvenile MMs who think, well, she's no longer letting me eat my cake too, but maybe I'll see if I can drop by the bakery every now and then and smell the aroma and make sure it's still open just for me and no one else? That's silly. I'm glad you're NC with him until and unless he gets his act together.

[Confused4Now]

What is wrong with these juvenile MMs who think, well, she's no longer letting me eat my cake too, but maybe I'll see if I can drop by the bakery every now and then and smell the aroma and make sure it's still open just for me and no one else? That's silly. I'm glad you're NC with him until and unless he gets his act together.

Better yet what do you call a woman who does that? Give me a freakin break...Women do it too....this is becoming a problem for OM as well.

All I can say is there is a lot of cake eating going on around here....HEEHEE:D:D

[Dexter Morgan]

What is wrong with these juvenile MMs who think, well, she's no longer letting me eat my cake too, but maybe I'll see if I can drop by the bakery every now and then and smell the aroma and make sure it's still open just for me and no one else? .

 

question is, why would they NOT think this way? The OW doesn't have a problem sleeping with another woman's husband, so why wouldn't they think they'll let them have more of the same?

 

when you talk about a married person cheating, and people that will sleep with other peoples' spouses, you can throw the rules of morality, right and wrong out the window with regards to their thought processes.

[sc58]

I don't get it, so they are supposed to have all the time in the world to decide between wifey and us and we are supposed to just wait for them to decide they MIGHT pick us?? No way. Don't do that to yourself, tell him not to contact you unless he's filed (at least). Don't be second best or back up plan or an option. There are lots of guys out there who would want to be with you and only you! And believe me you won't be able to find them if you're waiting around on MM. When exMM asked me if he could do this (he also asked me if he could call or text me on Sundays during our favorite team's football game... WTF), I said NO. You cannot use me or rely on me in any way until you are giving me all of you. It isn't fair and will only cause me to think about you and stay caught up with what is going on with your life instead of living my own life (which is what he wanted). It leaves them an option to see if we're still available to them while they still sit there married. It won't help anything! I say all or nothing! What is wrong with these juvenile MMs who think, well, she's no longer letting me eat my cake too, but maybe I'll see if I can drop by the bakery every now and then and smell the aroma and make sure it's still open just for me and no one else? That's silly. I'm glad you're NC with him until and unless he gets his act together.

 

It does seem that our situations are quite similar. He wants me to wait for him and be available for him, while he is still married and not even filing for divorce. He keeps telling me that these things take time, they don't just happen overnight. I do understand a divorce is a lengthy process, but he has not even filed yet...

 

I think I will take your advice and ask him not to call me until he files - which is presumably after the holidays. I do think it's a bit unfair for him to want to call once in a while, just to make sure I'm still available, when he's actually the one that's not available. And I don't want to spend the next few months constantly wondering what is going on with them. This used to drive me crazy. I'm just going to carry on with my life, try not to think about his, but not date anyone just yet. I'm not ready to anyway.

 

Thanks for your comments! He seems so sincere, so I would like to give him one more chance...And if in the end, it turns out that he was not serious and no steps were taken towards the divorce, then whatever. I'll live and get over it. I'm the single one, I can find someone else. He, on the other hand, will be stuck in his unhappy marriage.

[MorningCoffee]

Wow the more I read of your posts, the more similar our situations seem! I would be the one to go NC with my exMM but he would tell me he wanted to get divorced and be with me, and ask me if I can wait for him, but not give me a timeline. Then he would agree to NC but ask if he can contact me now and again to see how I'm doing and whether I was still single. WTF. This offended me! Like I was going to just sit around waiting for him to call for the update (of course in real life it turned out he felt the need to check in on me every day and ask if I'd hooked up with anyone, which double offended me).

 

I don't get it, so they are supposed to have all the time in the world to decide between wifey and us and we are supposed to just wait for them to decide they MIGHT pick us?? No way. Don't do that to yourself, tell him not to contact you unless he's filed (at least). Don't be second best or back up plan or an option. There are lots of guys out there who would want to be with you and only you! And believe me you won't be able to find them if you're waiting around on MM. When exMM asked me if he could do this (he also asked me if he could call or text me on Sundays during our favorite team's football game... WTF), I said NO. You cannot use me or rely on me in any way until you are giving me all of you. It isn't fair and will only cause me to think about you and stay caught up with what is going on with your life instead of living my own life (which is what he wanted). It leaves them an option to see if we're still available to them while they still sit there married. It won't help anything! I say all or nothing! What is wrong with these juvenile MMs who think, well, she's no longer letting me eat my cake too, but maybe I'll see if I can drop by the bakery every now and then and smell the aroma and make sure it's still open just for me and no one else? That's silly. I'm glad you're NC with him until and unless he gets his act together.

 

The bolded: yes! not just yes, but h*ll yes!

[sc58]

6 days of NC was enough to prove to him that he is not able to work on his marriage as long as he has me in his life. He has realized that. But from there to taking the step to divorce his wife is yet some distance. Insurmountable? I don't know, the future will tell.

 

That's what my MM told me as well. That he can't work on his marriage knowing how happy he could be with me. That he's been with his W for 12 years, and never has he been this happy, or even close, with her, so why would that change in the future? He said that there's no way he can go back to the life he had after he found "true happiness." Last week, that would have melted my heart, but after reading so many stories here on LS, I was rather skeptical and even told myself it's probably bull.

 

But I do love him and he sounded so sincere about it, that I have to at least see if he follows through with his "after the holidays" promise. It's only a few months, I think I can handle it.

 

I hope things work out for you and your MM, Jennie (and for me and mine!)

[jennie-jennie]

That's what my MM told me as well. That he can't work on his marriage knowing how happy he could be with me. That he's been with his W for 12 years, and never has he been this happy, or even close, with her, so why would that change in the future? He said that there's no way he can go back to the life he had after he found "true happiness." Last week, that would have melted my heart, but after reading so many stories here on LS, I was rather skeptical and even told myself it's probably bull.

 

But I do love him and he sounded so sincere about it, that I have to at least see if he follows through with his "after the holidays" promise. It's only a few months, I think I can handle it.

 

I hope things work out for you and your MM, Jennie (and for me and mine!)

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

[Star_Bright]

question is, why would they NOT think this way? The OW doesn't have a problem sleeping with another woman's husband, so why wouldn't they think they'll let them have more of the same?

 

when you talk about a married person cheating, and people that will sleep with other peoples' spouses, you can throw the rules of morality, right and wrong out the window with regards to their thought processes.

 

I don't agree and think that's silly. Like saying that because someone has an affair they'll have no problem shooting someone. Whatever! Just because an OW sleeps with a man she loves who says he loves her too does NOT mean she has no morals or believes in free love or polygamy or whatever. It does NOT mean she'll stick around while he keeps both women. I certainly didn't. And a lot of other exOWs here didn't either. (And to be fair, my exMM never expected me to and understood why it was a problem. He would always tells me I deserve all of him, a real relationship etc., and that he was going to give that to me.)

 

So. While I wish I could have done things differently, I don't feel I settled for less than I deserved. Once we were in love and he told me he wanted to be with me exclusively, I told him to prove it with actions, and when he didn't (or, not fast enough for me, plus with a lot of strange personality changes!), I walked. I'm proud of myself for that because it was hard to do. And I don't think I'm lacking in morality or whatever, I'm a good person who made a bad decision that I certainly learned from. I'm sure you've done the same in life even though it hasn't been an affair. As humans all we can do is progress and move on from our mistakes and be happy with the here and now. And I'm sorry for the pain you experienced through infidelity. I mean that seriously, not sarcastically.