Aumnia Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been dating off and on for about 10 months. In the beginning things were great. We hit it off and were inseparable. When he told me he was friends with his ex I didn’t really give it much second thought. Apparently my opinion of staying friends with your ex is way different than his. To me it means staying in touch occasionally, talking like maybe a few times a year. Wishing each other well but having our own separate lives. To me that is appropriate and I think it’s great if you don’t hate your ex. The only exception, of course would be if you have children together. Then you would want to maintain contact and civility for the children’s sake. But that is not the case with my current BF’s ex. After a few months I started to realize just how involved they are. I feel like they have not truly ended the relationship and are carrying on as if they are a couple in a lot of ways. They share the same phone plan, they share vehicles, they both have equity in a home. She still gets her mail at his place, he helps her with misc errands and tasks, etc On top of all that they call and text each other frequently, like several times a week and, they keep each other up to date on what is going on in each other’s lives… every detail! He stops by her place to use her computer and who knows what. They also take trips together and share the same bed though he swears it is monogamous. She has a vending business and he works for her when she asks. He will work for her for free because he says he loves going to the festivals. I think he could find another way to enjoy it without her and how about going with me? There’s a concept! They have been to the hot springs together, yes, naked and alone, and it’s supposed to be ok with me. They go out in the woods and pick mushrooms together. He has never once invited me to do these things and mean it. Apparently I am being unreasonable and childish. She has spread gossip that I am controlling and manipulating with him all because I do not like his relating to her. Supposedly she is a “nice person” and doesn’t do anything wrong, doesn’t drink, smoke, is into spirituality. So why should I worry? After the first time I expressed my discomfort about their relationship he became cold and distant. I broke up with him but, we started seeing each other again only to find out he had planned more activities with her. He just doesn’t seem to care about my feelings on this matter. He says he loves me and I am the one he loves but that he loves her to, as a “best friend” and he refuses to let her go. He says it is societies rules that you can’t be friends with an ex and it’s high school drama to protest it or act out against it. He says I am trying to tell him how to live his life and who his friends can be and that is wrong. He says it’s my problem and says he will change nothing so I should learn to live with it or “get over it”. He said he wants me and her to become friends but honestly, after much consideration, I really am not interested in doing that! I don’t want to be part of his happy triangle. I don’t need to be constantly reminded of the life, events and intimacy they shared. Even if as he says, they are only friends. And it’s not that I really think he will cheat on me (but who really knows) it is that he has not made my feelings a priority and I feel like second fiddle. Does anyone have a similar problem or can offer up some advice? I really love him and think we are good together outside of this mess with her being in the picture all the time. Am I being unreasonable? Please help!
Losing Faith Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I personally think you are being COMPLETELY reasonable. Ask him to put himself in your shoes.... would he be ok with you hanging out and constantly talking to a guy you dated and had been intimate w/? (If you really need to drive the point across, use the name of an ex) Would he be ok w/ you sleeping in bed with your wonderful ex boyfriend? How would he feel about you sharing intimate information with your ex? (if he thinks it's ok... then either walk away or do it to him and see how really feels about it). I think your guy is being very selfish. It's like he is still dating her, but sleeping with you. He is way too invovled with her still. I'd be intertested to hear why they broke up??? Is she trying to sabotage your relationship w/ this guy and your guys is too blind to see this? Best of luck with this situation.
Knittress Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I agree with the whole "you can't tell someone who they can be friends with" idea in a relationship. That said, this behavior would probably bother me as well. But that's beside the point - it's bothering YOU and that's going to negatively affect the relationship. If this guy cares at all about the relationship he's going to have to re-examine things a bit. If he gets all defensive and tells you that how his behavior affects you is YOUR problem, then he's disrespecting your feelings and being a selfish a-hole. Maybe you're inclined to be a tad jealous/insecure and that's a bit unreasonable (I don't know you, after all) - but a GOOD man would say "I'm sorry you feel that way, let's see if we can figure out a way to make things work" instead of being emotionally manipulative and trying to make you ashamed of your feelings.
TaurusTerp Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Well, he's right. You either have to get over it or break up. He's not going to stop being friends with her. Frankly, my friends are more important to me than whatever girl I've been dating for a bit. If she asked me to stop hanging out with any of them and couldnt get over it, I'd dump her immediately.
SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 There's someone in the General Relationships forum who posted about how her bf lives with his ex and sleeps in the same bed - platonically, of course. This sounds like the same deal to me.
SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I agree with the whole "you can't tell someone who they can be friends with" idea in a relationship. That said, this behavior would probably bother me as well. But that's beside the point - it's bothering YOU and that's going to negatively affect the relationship. If this guy cares at all about the relationship he's going to have to re-examine things a bit. If he gets all defensive and tells you that how his behavior affects you is YOUR problem, then he's disrespecting your feelings and being a selfish a-hole. Maybe you're inclined to be a tad jealous/insecure and that's a bit unreasonable (I don't know you, after all) - but a GOOD man would say "I'm sorry you feel that way, let's see if we can figure out a way to make things work" instead of being emotionally manipulative and trying to make you ashamed of your feelings. Well, he's right. You either have to get over it or break up. He's not going to stop being friends with her. Frankly, my friends are more important to me than whatever girl I've been dating for a bit. If she asked me to stop hanging out with any of them and couldnt get over it, I'd dump her immediately. I don't think the issue is that they are friends, I think that it's like they never stopped dating - he sleeps in the same bed as her??
Knittress Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) I don't think the issue is that they are friends, I think that it's like they never stopped dating - he sleeps in the same bed as her?? What I was saying is that it doesn't matter what WE think about his emotional boundaries. It matters what SHE thinks, and if he cares enough about her to re-negotiate those boundaries. It's not about 'right' or 'wrong,' or how effed up it is, but if he *cares about how his actions (reasonable or not) make her feel.* He doesn't seem to. From his perspective things are great, and that seems to be all that matters. From the conversation above, it appears like he's going to put himself first, using whatever justification he can find (and putting her down by calling her feelings 'high school'). I'm not a fan of the dude. Edited October 20, 2010 by Knittress
Green Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I wonder why you would even put up with something like this. It is HS drama because you sit there and still think about a man like this, a man with ZERO boundaries.
SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 What I was saying is that it doesn't matter what WE think about his emotional boundaries. It matters what SHE thinks, and if he cares enough about her to re-negotiate those boundaries. It's not about 'right' or 'wrong,' or how effed up it is, but if he *cares about how his actions (reasonable or not) make her feel.* He doesn't seem to. It appears like he's going to put himself first, using whatever justification he can find. I'm not a fan of the dude. This is obviously just my opinion, but you stated that maybe she is jealous/insecure which would be unreasonable of her - and I was just saying that IMO, there is nothing unreasonable about feeling jealous, insecure, pissed off, or anything else about this situation. If she was smart she would dump him. However, and maybe I'm completely off base, I think this might be the same person who posted in the other forum, and I doubt that would happen, if this is real.
Knittress Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 This is obviously just my opinion, but you stated that maybe she is jealous/insecure which would be unreasonable of her - and I was just saying that IMO, there is nothing unreasonable about feeling jealous, insecure, pissed off, or anything else about this situation. If she was smart she would dump him. However, and maybe I'm completely off base, I think this might be the same person who posted in the other forum, and I doubt that would happen, if this is real. I've lived among the hippies, folks like this really do exist. I didn't say she sounded unreasonable at all, in fact I told her I'd feel the same way. The point I was trying to make was this wasn't about some socially defined label of 'appropriate' but whether this was a relationship that respected her feelings or met her needs.
how2forgive&2forget Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Hmmm...time to grab one of your ex-bfs and do the same things they are doing. If he complains, oh well, you two can then talk about bounderies. Right now he has no concept of it.
Crazy Magnet Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I would run for the hills. But that's just me.
Green Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Hmmm...time to grab one of your ex-bfs and do the same things they are doing. If he complains, oh well, you two can then talk about bounderies. Right now he has no concept of it. Why not just leave him and save herself the time and trouble?
Author Aumnia Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Thank you everyone for all your input. I just spent the weekend with him and we had a great time as we usually do. I tried not to bring up the subject, it was his birthday and I didn't want to put a damper on it. But of course the ex called and wanted to give him some favorite dish he likes and texted him and even paged him. I guess he told her it sounded yummy and would meet her tomorrow, (which is today) He thought that would be enough boundaries for me. I guess he is also going to help her move this week. We talked at length about the issue again and he got mad because he had just spent all weekend with me and I should see how much he loves me. It still doesn't feel right. I told him if he wanted us to ever get through this he would have to at least make some effort to try and help resolve it. I will be seeing a counselor friend this week to try and face any jealousy issues I have. I am a bit of a jealous type if i feel threatened otherwise I am pretty calm and reasonable. I have been considering going and talking to her (the ex) Non-confrontationally, and just ask her to let him go. I don't want to look like an ass though. Not sure even how to put it to her but... wonder how it would go over?
abouttoloseit Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Dump that sack of sh*t. He's probably a nice person, but a nice person to his ex. From what you've read, you're always going to be second. SECOND. Don't you want to be first?
Green Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I wanna be Number One! Dump him then and don't ever take him back. I would never do any of this to my gf. Seriosly an ex started msging me on facebook and flirting with me and putting down my gf. I blocked my ex on fb. If my gf ever helped an ex move, or picked him up from the airport or did anything with an ex... ANYTHING. I would DUMP HER. Your issue is in letting urself be treated poorly. You look like a pretty girl in your picture on this site. Why waste your time with a guy like this. He will only get worse with time. If you get married he will have some girl who is just a friend who he will be spending alone time with. He is most likely cheating on you. But even if he isn't cheating on you everything he is doing is disrespectful to a level that can't be tolerated.
Author Aumnia Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Well I did it. I dumped him! Caught him lying to me about seeing her again, helping her move and decorate her new place. He still thinks I should have accepted her along with him. Which is a fine thing to expect with children and certain family members. Having an ex as a "package deal" That's just preposterous! Unless you are into open relationships or self abuse. I wanted him not "her and him." Now I realize that I don't even want him. I don't need to be disrespected and treated like this! I have more dignity than that and a lot to offer someone else who will appreciate it.
carhill Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Kudos for exercising your boundary. This might have been avoided if he had respected your boundaries about activities and she had proactively sought to be a friend of the relationship. However, reading the first part of the OP, the part about 'dating on and off for ten months', causes me to wonder exactly what the parameters of your relationship were. Perhaps his perception and yours didn't match up, regarding exclusivity and commitment. In any event, good information for the future. Good luck
paleblue Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Just saw this post so weighing in. As I am reading this post from the beginning I am thinking Wow! HUGE RED FLAG. This is like… HUGE. Wait, did I say this is a HUGE problem?? Just checking make sure I said HUGE. There are so many wrong things going on here I don’t even know were to start. Its like he is completely dating her still, just like you said. So essentially he has two girlfriends. You and her. Id break it off unless you don’t mind being his second girlfriend. I also think it would be wrong of you to talk to his other gf asking her to hit the road. That should not be up to you. That should be him. Then you caught him lying to you about her. Well now you cant trust him when it comes to her. And what else is going on you don’t know about? Then I read your last post stating you dumped him. And think you totally made the right choice sticking up for yourself. If they had children, yes, but they do not. And it is completely Riiiiiidiculous of him to expect you to accept him and Her as a package deal. That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in quite some time. Good for you for being a dignified person!!! I hope you remain that way and don’t let yourself go back into this situation again.
Author Aumnia Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Yay! Thank you guys for the comments and support. Took me a while to accept what I knew from the first 'Red Flag'. I do not give up easily and can honestly say that I gave it some serious effort though. (We dated "off and on" because I was incomfortable with her in his life to the extent that he wanted, but then doubted myself and took him back. 3 times) because I really don't dictate my partners friendships... but this was something more. He says they broke up due to lack of intimacy. She told him to go ahead and find 'it' elsewhere and have an open relationship. (I found this out last week) Even though she moved out they still carried on their own relationship. Everything but sex. Really, I was the sex part. Like his mistress... and her the wife, not into that, no thanks!! I want more than that, something real. Makes me feel used. Essentially I had to see the light and make this decision on my own but it sure does help having some feedback. THANKS TO YOU ALL!
paleblue Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 good! i know what you mean about not giving up easily on what you want. i am the same way, but you were wayyy tooo generous with this guy in my opinion. save it for the guy that treats you with respect and is on the same level. not making you feel like a mistress. i know you are smart. i can tell. when this guy asks you back out in a month or two i hope you tell him no thanks dude!!
reservoirdog1 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 (edited) They also take trips together and share the same bed though he swears it is monogamous. She has a vending business and he works for her when she asks. He will work for her for free because he says he loves going to the festivals. I think he could find another way to enjoy it without her and how about going with me? There’s a concept! They have been to the hot springs together, yes, naked and alone, ...aaaaand it don't rain in Minneapolis in the springtime. Okay, let's just pretend for a second that there really ISN'T anything sexual going on between your bf and his ex with whom he shares the same bed when they take trips together and hangs around in hot springs naked and alone. Even in that crazy alternate reality universe, that would still be completely unacceptable if you're not okay with it. And I have trouble believing that anybody would be okay with it, unless you and he had reached an agreement that you have an open relationship. Since you made it very clear after you got back with him that this was (understandably) unacceptable to you, and since he made it very clear that he wasn't going to change any of it regardless of how you felt about it, I don't see that you had any alternative but to end the relationship. Sure, you could have learned to live with it, by why SHOULD you have? I don't have a problem with people being friends with their exes, but the things he described are incompatible with a committed, monogamous relationship. You shouldn't HAVE to have been worried that he was actually boinking her during all these times he was naked with her or sharing a bed with her. Now I've heard everything... Edited November 9, 2010 by reservoirdog1
callingyouuu Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I don't need to be disrespected and treated like this! I have more dignity than that and a lot to offer someone else who will appreciate it. Good for you! I know I'm a bit late to the party, but I'm glad you came to this realization.
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