strawberry123 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) Hi everyone I'm new and just need some advice. I split up with my ex boyfriend in January, after five years together (living together for two). We both agreed it was for the right reasons, and we needed some space, although he did try to persuade me to stay once or twice as he said he loved me too much to lose me. Still, we did split up...there were issues that needed to be addressed and I felt that we needed to be apart for that to happen. For info, I'm 33 and he's 32. I stayed living with him until May, as he said he didn't know where he was going to live, or what to do, so I postponed my own recovery until May so he could be ok. When I eventually moved out I was utterly, utterly devastated and heartbroken, but he kept telling me that he would always be in my life, be my best friend, he would never hurt me, he would always love me and we would always be important to each other. The day we split up he cried and said he never ever wanted me to think of him as just another person who let me down. Since then I've been finding it very difficult to cope and missing him dreadfully. I found out in July that he was ALREADY seeing someone else, a girl he'd been hanging out with for a while. He'd started seeing her three weeks after I moved out. I was gutted, absolutely gutted. He sent me an email saying he knew he'd let me down, was a coward, hadn't wanted to hurt me etc. That was bad enough, but last week I found out that he took her to New York, and has proposed.They are now engaged. After four months. I feel utterly sick. I just don't know how to cope. Five years with me and I couldn't get him to do anything,and five minutes with her and he's taking her on holiday and proposing. I have never been so hurt in my life....I was so utterly convinced that he would never hurt me that I can't begin to describe how I feel. This is SO unlike him...he's never done anything spontaneous in his life. He texted me yesterday and said he was going to write to me, that there was "so much he needed to say" and that he hated how much he'd hurt me. I just don't know what to say. I wish I could make the pain go away. All I can think is that she is just smarter, prettier, funnier and generally BETTER than me. Why else would he make no effort for me and loads for her? I know we split up for the right reasons but the rejection hurts so, so much. Why couldn't he love me enough to try? I feel so worthless. Any advice on how to get through this would be great. Edited October 20, 2010 by strawberry123
sb129 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Hi, Welcome to the site. I am really sorry to hear about your pain and split. The only thing that I can think of is that he is rebounding, and that the novelty of someone new has made him take leave of his senses. Four months is pretty soon to be getting engaged- even in your 30s when you are more likely to be "sure" about things. She is NOT "better/prettier/funnier" than you. Don't forget- in the first flush of love, people find everything about the other person endearing. Its easy to stay with someone for four months. Its harder to stay together for 5 years- that requires living with reality, and realising that you don't love every single little things about the other person.
Author strawberry123 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Thanks...you're very kind. I do keep telling myself that he's just lost his mind...it seems crazy. And I KNOW that I knew him better than anyone else in the world, which is why I can't make any sense of it. To PROPOSE?? I just can't help but take it all personally and think it's just because I wasn't good enough and he didn't love me enough, and our five years together was all a lie.
sb129 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Well, it wasn't a lie- it was real, it happened! Him being with someone else doesn't erase all that even though thats probably how you feel at the moment. Sometimes we learn from old relationships- that while they may not have been exactly right for us, it was a good thing to be in them and learn things from them. You said there were some issues- what were they?
Author strawberry123 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Blimey, where to start. He's got a lot of issues around his childhood and with his mother which I felt always held him back from "growing up" (which is why we never got married)....he suffers from huge amounts of anxiety, is a very private person, quite OCD about cleanliness and his environment, has a rather childish attitude to food, sex (we never had a good sex life, and he never really tried), relationships....plus his sister has serious problems with depression and he's always been responsible for her, and she has been having a rough time recently. I thought that our breaking up might be the catalyst to force him to deal with these issues, and then one day we might get back together. He did have some good points too!! Actually, writing this down has made me realise that he's spent his entire life running away from dealing with any emotional pain, so perhaps that is what he's doing now, in a pretty dramatic way!!! But I still can't help but take it personally and think that maybe he only had those issues with me, or maybe this new girl is so amazing that in four months she can "fix" him, where I felt that I could never make him truly happy.
sb129 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Actually, writing this down has made me realise that he's spent his entire life running away from dealing with any emotional pain, so perhaps that is what he's doing now, in a pretty dramatic way!!! But I still can't help but take it personally and think that maybe he only had those issues with me, or maybe this new girl is so amazing that in four months she can "fix" him, where I felt that I could never make him truly happy. Sounds like that is PRECISELY what he is doing. What better way to hide from your issues than to create a happy-ever-after smokescreen with someone who doesn't know the truth about said issues? Kidding. The issues sound very much HIS thing, and I doubt they will go away just because you are no longer in his life- his family are still in his life aren't they? Nobody can "make" someone else happy. That comes from within, and if your ex hasn't done that for himself with the issues, they will resurface eventually.
Author strawberry123 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 I know you're right...I just wish I knew how to stop it hurting. I also feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough with him, or didn't love him enough, or something. But yes, I think the issues will still be there, whether or not he chooses to acknowledge them. What hurts so much is that I was never more certain in the world of anything than how much he loved me, even up to the day I moved out. I would have bet my life on the fact that he would never, ever hurt me. So for him to be the person who has caused the worst pain I've ever felt (and I've been through some crappy things), just makes it hurt even more.
sb129 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 He isn't doing it deliberately to hurt you. The fact that you are still mourning the loss of a long relationship and you are sad that he is engaged to someone else means that you are on a normal timeline of a breakup. You are also able to see that your R and your ex weren't perfect. While it may be awful right now, in the long run you are going to be the one who heals more completely, and when the time is right for another R, you will be able to enter that one with no unresolved baggage. I know it hurts- but things DO get better, trust me. I have been where you are a couple of times, and while its a cliche, time is really the best healer. Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you are a good person who is worthy of love, and that one day you will get another chance. It takes two to break-up- and it will never be 100% your fault that you did. 1
Billie The Puppet Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I'll be joining you in this pain awfully soon, my ex left me for another guy, she pushed me for engagement so I'm willing to bet she will him. I was going to do it not because of a push but for myself just before the final break up, She gave up pushing for the ring Jan of this year, I didn't like the fact she was asking me to ask her. I know it's coming soon, I think I'm better off if I never find out but eventually it will make its way down a grape vine though.
Ajax Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I know you're right...I just wish I knew how to stop it hurting. I also feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough with him, or didn't love him enough, or something. But yes, I think the issues will still be there, whether or not he chooses to acknowledge them. What hurts so much is that I was never more certain in the world of anything than how much he loved me, even up to the day I moved out. I would have bet my life on the fact that he would never, ever hurt me. So for him to be the person who has caused the worst pain I've ever felt (and I've been through some crappy things), just makes it hurt even more. I felt the same way with my ex. Never thought she'd hurt me, but she did. I don't think you can second guess yourself. I wondered too if I'd only tried harder or loved her more would she have stayed. The fact is that I was the one doing most of the work and loving anyway. You can't fix someone else no matter how hard you try. You did the best you could. Take pride in that. Someday you will meet someone who appreciates that. I'd appreciate that . And your ex getting engaged to someone else 4 months after the breakup says more about him than it does about you.
Author strawberry123 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Thank you....that means alot. I know that I'm dealing with our break up in a more mature and sensible way...just have to keep reminding myself that him moving on so quickly doesn't make our time together invalid or any less important. And I do think he has lost his mind. I guess I'm just feeling lonely too...I miss him so much, I miss talking to him every day, laughing with him, and everything reminds me of him. I don't understand how he can't feel that. I guess I just miss waking up next to someone and having someone in my life, too. But I need to remember how unhappy we both were, towards the end. You've been great, thanks again....I must go to bed now (am in the UK)!!! xxxx
yoga18 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Do you think that because he asked you back several times and decided to continue working on yourself that he started to learn why he lost you? You said you couldn't get him to do anything in 5 years could it be that he is moving fast bc he well he lost you and isn't willing to take the chance again? We learn from our mistakes and I believe he is probably blindly making one but in his eyes he held back with you lost you he I am sure has decided to never allow that to happen again
Author strawberry123 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 That's not a bad thought....I just wished that in our five years together he'd had that realisation. He had enough time to fix things...this is just crazy. Now I'm waiting for this "letter" he promised and I feel sick with anxiety. I have been feeling so much better today but now I'm home and alone, I feel really sad and worried again. I'm also worried about money (I know, who in the world isn't) but it's made me realise how much he helped me out financially. It's just hard, being alone...
Author strawberry123 Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 I feel so sad today. When will it go? Today is 6 years since we met. Two weeks from now would have been our 6 year anniversary. I never thought this would happen to us. I don't know how to let go and move on. I miss him so, so much and I can't imagine my life without him. It just hurts like nothing I've ever known. And the fact that he saw something so more remarkable in this girl in five months than he ever saw in me in five years makes me feel utterly horrendous.
eamherst14051 Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Here's my deal. Met the love of my life and new that same evening that I was in love and wanted to marry her. I was in the service at the time. She was engaged to someone else as well. Long story short, married her and happier more then ever 41 years later. It just happens. Let it go and move on. It will happen to you eventually.
Author strawberry123 Posted October 23, 2010 Author Posted October 23, 2010 Oh...I know it happens. I just never thought it would happen to us. To him. I miss him so much. I know I have to get over it but I just don't know how.
Idalis Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 Its not that she's any better than you in any way, it has nothing to do with you. And you can't torment yourself with those thoughts, and all the why's. The truth is some people just WORK. Remember that when you two broke things off he was not right for you, so just b/c he made it work with someone else does NOT mean he would be right for you now. There will be someone else that will be right for you, just b/c you didn't find someone else in the same time frame as your ex does not mean you won't find anyone else that will be better suited for you than he was. It will just be in your own time.
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