UntoldStory Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I hate admitting this but I broke NC yesterday morning. A song came up on shuffle that I hadn't heard in years and all I could think was "xMM would LOVE this song," and all that longing took over and I somehow convinced myself that it would be ok for me to send him an email with the mp3 attached, so I did. Then I pretended all day to myself that it was no big deal, and I can handle it either way, whether he responds or not. He hasn't responded, but he only checks his email about every 3 days (I know, it's weird) so I'm not out of the woods yet. I've worked so hard to put my feelings for him in a box but clearly, I've got a long way to go. I think I've been so desperate to feel that connection again, I could have made any excuse to contact him justifiable. Wish I could put a "mood lock" on my keyboard.
jthorne Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Wish I could put a "mood lock" on my keyboard. But you can put a rule in your email program to put any email from his address in the trash.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 But you can put a rule in your email program to put any email from his address in the trash. <sigh> I'm clearly losing my resolve because for some reason, the idea of turning xMM into spam feels like a huge decision. Why is it so hard again all of a sudden? I was doing ok there for like a week (ok, maybe a few days). Anyone else have this problem with backlash?
spice4life Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I hate admitting this but I broke NC yesterday morning. A song came up on shuffle that I hadn't heard in years and all I could think was "xMM would LOVE this song," and all that longing took over and I somehow convinced myself that it would be ok for me to send him an email with the mp3 attached, so I did. Then I pretended all day to myself that it was no big deal, and I can handle it either way, whether he responds or not. He hasn't responded, but he only checks his email about every 3 days (I know, it's weird) so I'm not out of the woods yet. I've worked so hard to put my feelings for him in a box but clearly, I've got a long way to go. I think I've been so desperate to feel that connection again, I could have made any excuse to contact him justifiable. Wish I could put a "mood lock" on my keyboard. Awww. Don't beat yourself up, slip ups happen. Just dust youself off and get back up onto the NC wagon. Yes it's day one again but accept that you slipped and move on from it.
jthorne Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 <sigh> I'm clearly losing my resolve because for some reason, the idea of turning xMM into spam feels like a huge decision. Why is it so hard again all of a sudden? I was doing ok there for like a week (ok, maybe a few days). Anyone else have this problem with backlash?Because maybe you have hope that NC will make him realize it's you that he wants?
spice4life Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 <sigh> I'm clearly losing my resolve because for some reason, the idea of turning xMM into spam feels like a huge decision. Why is it so hard again all of a sudden? I was doing ok there for like a week (ok, maybe a few days). Anyone else have this problem with backlash? Were the two of you truly in love or was it more of an addiction? It is going to take some time before you start feeling like the fog has lifted. Once you get there it will be easier. If you are certain that you want it to end you willl have to stay strong during the weaker moments. Everyone who ends an A experiences the same ups and downs. It's very normal.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Were the two of you truly in love or was it more of an addiction? It is going to take some time before you start feeling like the fog has lifted. Once you get there it will be easier. If you are certain that you want it to end you willl have to stay strong during the weaker moments. Everyone who ends an A experiences the same ups and downs. It's very normal. Thanks, spice, it helps to hear I'm at least on the right track. There was definitely some addiction fueling it at the beginning, no question. But we backed off after a couple months and dealt with real life for a while and the fog lifted... and we were left with the same feelings, but more deep and real for the stuff that we had to talk through. If we let it continue to develop, the roller coaster would just get worse. Neither of us wants to continue with the A as it is. But neither of us wants to let go of the good things either. I am in the process of separating from my H (this needs to happen for my own sanity and happiness, regardless of xMM), but xMM is not ready to make any kind of decision. So we're at an impasse and it seems like the only way out, one way or the other, is NC.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Because maybe you have hope that NC will make him realize it's you that he wants? This was a great post - it hit me hard, thanks. It sounds so sad but yes, I think that's part of it. And I know I don't want to be that woman that sits around hoping someone will pick me.
2themoon&back Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I hate admitting this but I broke NC yesterday morning. A song came up on shuffle that I hadn't heard in years and all I could think was "xMM would LOVE this song," and all that longing took over and I somehow convinced myself that it would be ok for me to send him an email with the mp3 attached, so I did. Then I pretended all day to myself that it was no big deal, and I can handle it either way, whether he responds or not. He hasn't responded, but he only checks his email about every 3 days (I know, it's weird) so I'm not out of the woods yet. I've worked so hard to put my feelings for him in a box but clearly, I've got a long way to go. I think I've been so desperate to feel that connection again, I could have made any excuse to contact him justifiable. Wish I could put a "mood lock" on my keyboard. Let me start by saying I appreciate your honesty in all your post, I know that is not always easy to do here and that you can needs to be noted. Also, I do not know how long you were in NC before this email, but I have been there 3 months and saw xMM for the 1st time by accident a few days ago, he did not see me, but it set me back a bit I would say (not that I have moved all that much to start with) but I feel like I am having to fight those urges to contact him daily, some days hourly. I started a journal and when I have the urge to call/text/email --whatever xMM I write in the journal, it has helped a little so I do not make an ass of myself while I am still pinning away for him, and he does not have to know it! Sad I know, but honest. Hugs to you because day one is a bit#h!
Author UntoldStory Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 2themoon, I hear you about Day 1! It was exactly a month of NC before I sent the email. So he just emailed me back, something pretty random and nostalgic, but not remotely purposeful. Just kind of rambling. A lot like the stupid email I sent him, actually. Almost makes me wish the spam filter had caught it. I'm gonna sit on my hands, finish the work I need to do tonight, and sleep on this. I definitely do not want to get back on the ride we were on before. It's only been a month, nothing is different for him, so I need to get back on that wagon. The Wagon of Darkness, hahahaha!
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 If things were different with him, he would have said so. And I know I don't want to be that woman that sits around hoping someone will pick me. Then don't sit and wait for him! Live your life and try your best to focus on other things, friends and family, work and passions that are your hobby's.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) Still haven't replied to his email and I'm not sure yet whether I'm going to. For the first time (maybe in my life) I'm actually taking the time to think through what is really in my best interests, and what continuing this relationship in its current form would add or take away from my life right now. I don't want the intensity of what we had before if it's not going to go anywhere - ie him leaving his W. And I know it's not going anywhere anytime soon. And as much as I loved the constant contact, it would be too draining for me to maintain it right now. I have to prioritize where I put my energy. Honestly, life is less complicated when I'm not constantly thinking about when I'll get time for another phone call with xMM. I would like to do LC if I could manage to stay grounded in reality, mainly because xMM makes me laugh like no other person on earth and I can use all the laughs I can get right now. The question is, is it possible for me to stay grounded? Anyone out there with a positive experience with LC? Edited October 21, 2010 by UntoldStory
KarmasTestDummy Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) Still haven't replied to his email and I'm not sure yet whether I'm going to. For the first time (maybe in my life) I'm actually taking the time to think through what is really in my best interests, and what continuing this relationship in its current form would add or take away from my life right now. I don't want the intensity of what we had before if it's not going to go anywhere - ie him leaving his W. And I know it's not going anywhere anytime soon. And as much as I loved the constant contact, it would be too draining for me to maintain it right now. I have to prioritize where I put my energy. Honestly, life is less complicated when I'm not constantly thinking about when I'll get time for another phone call with xMM. I would like to do LC if I could manage to stay grounded in reality, mainly because xMM makes me laugh like no other person on earth and I can use all the laughs I can get right now. The question is, is it possible for me to stay grounded? Anyone out there with a positive experience with LC? Wishing for lc is a very bad thing. Because he's the only one that makes you laugh is an excuse your feeding yourself to allow it to occur. One email will lead to the next and the next then someone WILL say we should get together (for old times sake) right. He'll make you accept it is what it is, but think clearly, it also isn't what it isn't....and that is unhealthy for you or his marriage. I can assure you when emotions are involved, LC is only a facade and will lead to full contact. It's a gateway drug...and we're trying to sober you up. Delete the email...do not reply. How many do overs of starting NC do you want? You need someone to make you laugh? Give me a pm, I'm full of jokes. Edited October 21, 2010 by KarmasTestDummy
Author UntoldStory Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 I can assure you when emotions are involved, LC is only a facade and will lead to full contact. It's a gateway drug...and we're trying to sober you up. Delete the email...do not reply. How many do overs of starting NC do you want? I think I just needed to hear this. My head knows it's true. I'm an Aries, not good at putting a leash on myself, unfortunately. But I'm doing it. At least, I'm faking it. Does that count? You need someone to make you laugh? Give me a pm, I'm full of jokes. LOL - thanks, KTD
Patrice Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Read my post from yesterday ... you have to cut it off. I tried the semi-friendship route ... it inevitably becomes his wanting more. Then it becomes a "not interested until you're divorced talk" that ends up with no response from him. At this point, I have little to no respect for the man anymore. Because he simply does not want what is in my best interest and I've moved on to a better relationship. It's over - save your strength and your energy for the right one. In the meantime, mourn the loss, be your best self and move ahead with your future.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 Patrice, I've been reading your posts over the past couple of days and thinking it sounds like a similar situation. Thanks for pointing that out.
Patrice Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm just further ahead in the process than she is .. she needs to hang on. Regain her sense of self-worth and take her power back from this guy. I know it hurts, there is no other way through it except to go NC, heal yourself, enjoy your friends, get healthy .. he will return, they always do.
KarmasTestDummy Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I think I just needed to hear this. My head knows it's true. I'm an Aries, not good at putting a leash on myself, unfortunately. But I'm doing it. At least, I'm faking it. Does that count? LOL - thanks, KTD It counts more than you realize! Ever told a lie, that you had to keep on telling, even embellish and keep it going just because it started as a lie and once questions arose you had to tell more lies to fill in the gaps? Then before you realize it the little white lie has become a full on sequel that you yourself start to believe? That's what faking it will do for you! And one day you will be convinced, "yup I am strong and I have moved on!"
Patrice Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I think forgiving yourself for being duped is the first step. I felt so naive and so stupid ... then he tried again at Christmas time and we spoke on the phone again every day. Then all of a sudden, "we have to stop doing this" and NC from him. I don't think I ever fully trusted him after the first betrayal. So the second, wasn't as bad. However, by this Spring I met someone else, we went to Europe together this summer. Right before I was heading to the airport, guess who pops up again - begging .. uhh, noo. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Fool me a third time??? Won't happen.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 I think forgiving yourself for being duped is the first step. I felt so naive and so stupid ... then he tried again at Christmas time and we spoke on the phone again every day. Then all of a sudden, "we have to stop doing this" and NC from him. I don't think I ever fully trusted him after the first betrayal. So the second, wasn't as bad. However, by this Spring I met someone else, we went to Europe together this summer. Right before I was heading to the airport, guess who pops up again - begging .. uhh, noo. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Fool me a third time??? Won't happen. Yeah, this is pretty similar. The flip-flopping and sudden NC. The first time I did feel duped, and it was majorly painful. Since then I've realized it's not me, it's him and his indecisiveness and cowardice, so I don't take it personally. But it also becomes less attractive each time we go through this cycle.
Patrice Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I think you learn and grow, you forgive yourself, as you get stronger and more confident, they don't have the same sway over you. It was actually a bit humorous this round .. I knew what he was trying to do. When I reminded him of his behavior in the past and told him I'm interested in a repeat performance - then his anger??? I think that's about enough. I also know we can't be friends either.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 I think you learn and grow, you forgive yourself, as you get stronger and more confident, they don't have the same sway over you. It was actually a bit humorous this round .. I knew what he was trying to do. When I reminded him of his behavior in the past and told him I'm interested in a repeat performance - then his anger??? I think that's about enough. I also know we can't be friends either. Yeah, the anger on your xMM is an interesting twist. Sort of sounds like his end game (not very good game or particularly flattering to him, but maybe that's all he's got left!?!).
Patrice Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I think he was looking for an ego boost, and I wouldn't comply ... I'm sure he'll try again. I know this guy .. but, I also come fully aware now. I can choose whether or not to respond and it doesn't effect me much emotionally. In my head, he keeps digging himself a deeper grave with me. The more I see how he used me, will probably use others ... I just feel disgust for him at this point. Funny too, after he started contacting me again last Christmas, then cut it off .. I have not spoken to him on the phone. I think he is afraid to hear my voice, or afraid of what I'll say. Maybe there is some shame in there someplace ... at this point, I"m writing him off as someone with issues, that I can no longer invest my time in. The endless hours of cheering him up over some bad patch with the wife, the kids .. just a complete waste of my time.
Recommended Posts