2sunny Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I'll endeavor to stick to men here...... I think there are socialized and genetic features of the male psyche and psychology which enable them to separate action from effect. A marked and garish example of this would be proactively plunging a bayonet into another human being he does not know, does not care about, does not love, does not hate, but rather merely because someone, an authority, told him to do it. Men are indoctrinated, whether we like to accept it or not, into a certain path from a very young age. Even though I grew up in a gentle, non-violent home, being bullied by, ta-da, young men taught me, purely by peer pressure, that a man was to stuff his feelings down and strike out in violence when necessary. All those lessons, both the lessons in gentle love from my parents and the more cruel and violent world outside, impacted my male genetics; the hard wiring from a quarter million years of evolution was being formed and molded to make me (or any other man) the adult male whom the MM is now. He has the capacity. His genetics and socialization largely determine how and what portion of that capacity he uses. Having been married and now reflecting upon it, I think the experiences of marriage taught me many lessons, and it is the time I now spend alone, reflecting on those lessons, is what impels and facilitates growth and change. The longer this goes on, the clearer it becomes. Boundaries solidify, behaviors reflect the lessons learned, and acceptance of what was and what is left is a more comfortable and peaceful state of mind. I had lunch with my ex yesterday after we filed the final paperwork at the courthouse and I saw the effects of the process. I could clearly be engaged but at the same time I saw, just as clearly, the incompatibilities and, rather than feeling frustration or resentment, I felt acceptance. I smiled, knowing I never have to see or hear her again, in peace. That's what time and reflection can do. Your MM, remaining in the milieu, may never find that clarity or peace. Some will. I envy those. ahhhhh, neutrality - isn't it awesome?
carhill Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 LOL, I even found myself answering when she was asking for advice regarding a business decision, prefaced by 'well, we're not married anymore so take this advice for what it's worth' OP, I just thought of something, which may or may not apply. In my case, I sought out an old love, far predating my marriage, to share of myself and for myself what I was missing in the M. Once I got healthy enough through MC to see the end of the M was the clear path (we both did, actually), the Hoover of the M ended and I didn't need that 'connection' any further and, additionally saw signs of my own unhealthiness which had carried over the decades from when I was the OM in our prior lives. I saw clearly that I had reverted to who I was back then, a patently immature and very unworldly person, in that dynamic. So, the clarity of the moment helped me end that dynamic in a positive way. Like 2Sunny said, neutrality. Yep
Author Patrice Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 I just love you guys .. love being able to let my hair down with this. Glad that I've healed enough to stop the negative from interfering with my health and welfare. We're all human and human survival via physical or emotional health always triumps.
fooled once Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm just curious why, when the affair is over ... when it has clearly been stated that it is over. When there has been NC for months and I have moved on to a healthy relationship. When I am healed from what took place, survived a divorce, improved myself ... do they have some kind of radar? Got an e-mail begging me to go see him today, he can't forget yada, yada, yada ... I pretty much said he burned me already and I couldn't go there any more. He is sullen and angry now. Should I resume NC? Can one ever be friends with someone when a relationship is over? I think you answered your own question (below) You know what I think? He's probably in a low point in his marriage again and needs his ego stroked. The same patterns emerge, I reminded him of why things ended and nothing has changed. That I have a right to a real relationship with someone who respects, loves and wants to be fully present in my life. Then the jealousy switch turns on .. what the heck? He is looking for attention. Never used the guy ... I was there, he bailed, I moved on. Then the plea from afar ... I told him, you get out of the marriage and we'll see what we can do. I can't spend my life as a personal counselor for his marital issues and the subsequent issues with the kids. It isn't my marriage nor are they my kids. I walked my walk, he made a choice ... if I seem cold, I've accepted that he has made a choice and I have respected that. If he met me at all in the middle, I would not have moved on. It's the jerking around that bothers me the most .. come here, go away ... I finally had enough. I completely agree with the bolded. So many OW end up being exactly what you said above. In addition to being his counselor, OW end up being the cheerleader, the research assistant (for a lawyer, for getting out of paying for full child support, his sexual partner, etc). But it seems never his equal. It seems never the person he respects. Stay strong. You are right, choices have been made. Move forward with your life. I wouldn't even respond to his message. He doesn't deserve it nor has he earned it. 1
Author Patrice Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 Thanks .. just needed the confirmation .. will move ahead and leave him to deal with his own life. He certainly didn't care about mine .. the guy needs to seriously man up.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 I'm just curious why, when the affair is over ... when it has clearly been stated that it is over. When there has been NC for months and I have moved on to a healthy relationship. When I am healed from what took place, survived a divorce, improved myself ... do they have some kind of radar? Got an e-mail begging me to go see him today, he can't forget yada, yada, yada ... I pretty much said he burned me already and I couldn't go there any more. He is sullen and angry now. Should I resume NC? Can one ever be friends with someone when a relationship is over? he is horny for someone other than his wife and thinks you will be an easy booty call. yes, resume NC....better yet, tell him to f### off.
Author Patrice Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 Precisely. Enough. Leave me alone.
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