Am i the stupidest person in the world or the most paranoid??

[Bambi28]

Hey people,

Im new to this, am in need of advice and dont want to ask my friends or family, as im worried if i told them the whole story it would make them hate my other half!!

Story so far,

I have been with my bf for 7 years, about 3 months ago, i found some texts on his phone from another girl, who he claimed was harrassing him, and that nothing was going on. I was seriously devasted for about 2 weeks, but after alot of reassurance from him that he wasnt cheating and he loved me, i got over it.

About a month ago, i found out he had lied to me about where he was, he told me he was meeting a friend, but actually met a girl who sometimes works for him. Again, i was reassured that nothing is going on, they are just friends and he didnt tell me where he was really going as he thought i would go mental.

A week ago, i dial 1471 to check if my mum has called, and find there is a missed call from this girl at 2.17am on a night i was not at home, i was away with work. I call her up, she says it was an accident, he says he never heard the phone ring, i check the phone bill and it says he called her back at 2.17am and spoke with her for almost an hour!!!

Am i being stupid in believing his explanations? I think what makes me want to believe him is that she is alot younger than us, also has a boyfriend, no longer lives in the area, and has also assured me that nothing is going on but i cant shake off this paranoia that he may not be telling me the truth about where he is and who he is seeing, any tips on how to get over this would be great!!

Thanks

[BellaBellaBella]

I think if he lied about calling her back he is lieing. Are you living togather, why haven't you married or gone further. I know a lot of people in long relationships who get dropped around now. The ex quickly rebounds and gets married.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Am i being stupid in believing his explanations?

 

I wouldn't say stupid. You are like anyone who loves someone and doesn't want to believe they are cheating. There is definitely something going on. He knows you are on to him, so it is not likely you will find out much more. People who are close to getting caught tend to take things really underground in order to assure that they can continue without being caught.

 

she is alot younger than us, also has a boyfriend, no longer lives in the area, and has also assured me that nothing is going on

 

I'm sorry, but these are not reassurances so much as they are excuses. These things have not prevented cheating when people are determined. People who cheat and people who are with people who cheat will say pretty much anything to make it appear 'innocent' so that they can continue.

 

The only chance you have at finding out what is going on is to back way off, pretend that you have forgotten it, and then monitor things in such a way that he does not know you are checking. If you try to confront either of them at this point, they will simply continue to lie and gaslight you. Neither will admit it. Period.

 

Get some solid proof: keylogged conversations, copies of the phone bill documenting texts and calls, etc. Once you have that then you can decide what you want to do with it.

[PegNosePete]

You don't need any more proof. He is lying to you, and obviously having an affair. Who calls up another girl at 2:17am for an hour, then lies about it afterwards, if they are not doing something wrong? That added to all the other red flags, lying and meeting other girls. Just dump him already. You don't need any more proof.

 

Just tell him you know what is going on. Don't tell him how you know, just insist that you are right. That might cause him to confess, in which case you might have a chance of saving the relationship. But if he still insists he's innocent, get rid of the lying scumbag.

Edited October 21, 2010 by PegNosePete

[Bambi28]

I did wander how it looked from an outsiders perspective, and if i was tempted to beleive his excuses cause i love him. realising now that if one of my freinds was saying to me what im saying, i would tell her to stop being a mug and confront him. He keeps telling me every time i have confronted him over his little lies that he wishes he had done something wrong, as then he could just admit it, but i am assuming this is said by thousands of cheating men all over the world!

Why with the evidence i have would he not just admit to it, that would surely be easier??

[Quest]

Why with the evidence i have would he not just admit to it, that would surely be easier??

 

He's a coward, that's why. If he admitted it he'd have a lot to deal with - your upset, (probably) the end of his relationship with you and most of all his own infidelity. He doesn't want to deal with any of that ... and if he wasn't a coward in the first place he'd have dealt with this other woman completely differently from the beginning - either by not pursuing it or by being honest with you and perhaps ending the relationship.

Don't beat yourself up about not seeing things the way an outsider would. It's very difficult to confront the fact that somebody you love andhave placed your trust in isn't being honest. It's normal to want not to believe 'the evidence'. But in this case it's beginning to pile up and you deserve better! Take care of yourself!

[PegNosePete]

He won't admit it because he still thinks he can get away with it. He is smokescreening you by telling you he wishes he had done something wrong, it's just talk to make you believe what he is saying. Yep you're right thousands of cheaters (men and women) say these things every day. Mine was very critical of her boss who had just discovered his wife's affair, she said he should kick her out - but all that time she was banging another guy behind my back. Getting angry at her boss's wife and declaring how much they hate cheaters is just so they appear more trustworthy.

 

He may not even admit it if you wave 100% proof in his face, some people are just like that.

 

Good luck with the confrontation.

[Quest]

He may not even admit it if you wave 100% proof in his face, some people are just like that.

 

Unfortunately, that's probably true. The 'best' liars probably believe their own lies in the end.

[Bambi28]

I keep thinking maybe its all true, and just a bunch of coincidences all happening at once, but on the other hand, i think i just dont want to face up to the hurt. I wander if its worth trying to collect some solid proof i can present to him to say 'here, stop lying to me', any ideas on how to do that? Im not very computer technicla, so hacking his supanet etc is out of the question.

The other thing is if i dont trust him enough to take his word for all this, maybe we shouldnt be together anyway?? Will i ever trust him again?

[Quest]

I wander if its worth trying to collect some solid proof i can present to him to say 'here, stop lying to me', any ideas on how to do that? Im not very computer technicla, so hacking his supanet etc is out of the question.

For me, the phonecall business would be enough 'proof'. Whatever is going on it's not the way he should be treating you seven years into a relationship.

The other thing is if i dont trust him enough to take his word for all this, maybe we shouldnt be together anyway?? Will i ever trust him again?

 

You kind of answered your own question here. If you don't trust him it's not a good sign IMO - unless you've got a history of going on your gut and that being wrong. On the other hand, you've got some evidence here ... he lied about that phonecall didn't he? And even if he was just 'talking' to this woman it's hardly treating you the way you deserve to be talking to another woman at that time of night. My guess is you probably won't trust him again and that's an intelligent response on your part.