Break up VS NC

[KarmasTestDummy]

Why is it that any normal relationship that has met its end, we break up, but in an A, we call it "going No Contact"? Isn't that a set up? Going no contact seems to me a form of manipulation...trying to get mm to see what he's missing to force him into a decision point. It doesn't work that way because we are automatically the ones with more invested...who's going to miss who first? Who's going to chomp at the bit harder at the first inkling of re-established contact? Who is going to settle for less than they had in the first place and show mm he can successfully give us nothing and continue to stay I'm his cozy situation. I'm sorry but NC is a joke. Let's be real, let's call it for what it is, put up with it until we have had our last straw and be done with it for good when it's all said and done. Let's just BREAK UP! There is no hope and pining and saying "when you're single, call me." It is a conclusion. If you want to move on, seek happiness, regain integrity, and let your mm figure out how to survive on his own two feet, BREAK UP! Quit playing games with your heart, allowing a false sense of security and hope where there is none. Just break up! It's only a matter of verbiage and terminology, but dammit, it means everything to your state of mind. You know how break ups are, you've done them 50 times before...and you know u can move on. I say throw the concept of NC out the door!

[awkward]

No contact is for you. It should be used to spare yourself new pain. It shouldn't be used as manipulation on MM.

 

In a normal relationship, when a single guy treats a woman with the disrespect MM did, the woman ends the relationship and moves on. For some reason, MM seems to get more of a pass than a SG would get.

 

Bottom line, whether the man is single or married, if he does not treat you with love and respect then you should move on whether you yourself believe you deserve better or not. Hopefully in time, you will realize that you do in fact deserve much much more.

[BB07]

KTD........I loved your post! I'm old:cool: and I tend to like the term breaking up, to me breaking up is clearer and it's a better way of saying......I'm done, I'm finished, don't let the door hit you in the azz when you leave. I get NC is supposed to mean essentially the same thing but it's sometimes used as manipulation. To me........just the words "breaking up" have more of a finality to them than NC.

Me, myself and I........have a preference for these words, "don't let the door hit you in the azz on the way out".

[whichwayisup]

Because the valid reason why it's over IS because the MM or MW is married. Where as in a regular relationship where two people are single and they break up, there's a reason. If that makes any sense..

[Star_Bright]

Yeah, I've thought about this a lot. Because at first I just needed space from exMM and to focus on myself. I wasn't okay being in an affair with him and I told him not to contact me until he moved out. Well then he did move out and contact me! But that didn't mean we weren't still in an affair like I had assumed it would mean. So then I told him to just go sort his stuff out and then contact me. But like you said by then I probably would have moved on and he knew it which is why he didn't want to let me go. Until he started treating me badly I didn't WANT to break up with him. I wanted to not be with him UNLESS he was divorced, which is what I really wanted (to be with him).

 

I guess the sad truth of these situations and why affairs usually don't work out is because by the time MM ever figures his stuff out, if ever, OW has probably gotten tired of it and moved on. But OW remaining with MM rarely gets him to work his stuff out either! OW, it seems, has no choice but just to worry about herself. I'm a hopeless idealist/romantic so I still think that if OW and MM are meant to be then OW will go on living her own life and MM will figure his stuff out and do what it takes to get with OW before she has moved on. I do believe that can happen and that it's the only way for it to ever really work. Also I think it's good because it forces a break between the two relationships and OW is sure MM is really done with his marriage and not just temporarily done, or wavering, or doing what is necessary to be with her but also staying married. It gives OW a clear idea of where she stands and whether MM is going to be with her or only her, or not. Yeah in the meantime OW may move on and no longer even want to be with MM but that is just the risk that has to be taken when one involves oneself in a new relationship while already married, or with someone who is already married. I guess practically that is just the way things have to be and IMO it's better than all the confusion and pain that comes from wondering whether/when MM is actually going to do what it takes to get divorced.

[Circular]

I look at NC as a discipline to get away from a relationship that you're overly invested in and don't see a reason for it terminating, though it has.

 

The problem with most A's is that the 'end' is not a clean ending. Typically the split of an A happens way prematurely to a normal relationship therefore both parties are typically still wanting the relationship and the feelings are very deep.

 

I also have this theory about A's, now that I've been in one, that the selection criteria is very high. In a normal single world you'll date quite a few people, determine what you like best, maybe date someone for a period of time and then break-up - you're fishing for a right fit, and if you're lucky you'll find someone that knocks your socks off. Some of those break-ups are very simple, you didn't invest much, some are more difficult but you have that seed of doubt in your stomach so you pine for a month and then you start to feel better (go read the breakup section of LS). In an A the upfront investment is high, it has to be, you're taking a very large risk and you'll only take the risk if you feel it's worth it (I'm speaking non-consciously here) so, almost always there has to be a strong feeling of 'connection' something we don't take as much in account when we date. If there's that 'connection' then there's the need for trust (it takes two), and there is a trust building phase of the relationship (back and forth disclosure/sharing of personal information) so by the time the A starts there's been already a lot of pre-screening that you'd never do while dating, as you'd then be on 1 date a year at most.

 

So, take those two elements and NC becomes the main route to end the relationship. Not saying people don't say 'lets break-up' but usually it ends with NC.

[Silly_Girl]

Why is it that any normal relationship that has met its end, we break up, but in an A, we call it "going No Contact"? Isn't that a set up? Going no contact seems to me a form of manipulation...trying to get mm to see what he's missing to force him into a decision point. It doesn't work that way because we are automatically the ones with more invested...who's going to miss who first? Who's going to chomp at the bit harder at the first inkling of re-established contact? Who is going to settle for less than they had in the first place and show mm he can successfully give us nothing and continue to stay I'm his cozy situation. I'm sorry but NC is a joke. Let's be real, let's call it for what it is, put up with it until we have had our last straw and be done with it for good when it's all said and done. Let's just BREAK UP! There is no hope and pining and saying "when you're single, call me." It is a conclusion. If you want to move on, seek happiness, regain integrity, and let your mm figure out how to survive on his own two feet, BREAK UP! Quit playing games with your heart, allowing a false sense of security and hope where there is none. Just break up! It's only a matter of verbiage and terminology, but dammit, it means everything to your state of mind. You know how break ups are, you've done them 50 times before...and you know u can move on. I say throw the concept of NC out the door!

 

If you're a single person detaching yourself, you're most likely doing so because you WANT to. Not because circumstances beyond your control are forcing you to move away.

 

Some people use NC as a manipulation tactic, but that's not the intent of it. The purpose of NC is to keep from getting sucked back into the A...to allow yourself time and space to move on and heal. It's not a useless tool.

 

Yes, sucked back in to the AFFAIR. Most normal relationships are not under such scrutiny or pressure. If there's a spot of ex-sex... who cares? Really? You have ex-sex with your AP and you're going to Hell. There's been too much upset, probably, and too much betrayal, another slip-up is just not good for anyone.

 

------

 

Of course breaking up is difficult, and it takes some longer than others to see the A and the MM entirely for what they are/were. There is still longing and wishing that things were different. It is then that we are the most vulnerable and most susceptible to being drawn back into the A. That's when NC should be implemented. Not for manipulative purposes.

 

I perceive the NC to be used in this particular forum as a strategic move, a tactic. "Go NC, if he loves you he'll call you in 12-18 months time when he's divorced". That, to me, is unrealistic on many, many levels. I don't disagree with the sentiment, but I do find it unrealistic.

 

No contact is for you. It should be used to spare yourself new pain. It shouldn't be used as manipulation on MM.

 

Agreed!

 

In a normal relationship, when a single guy treats a woman with the disrespect MM did, the woman ends the relationship and moves on. For some reason, MM seems to get more of a pass than a SG would get.

 

That's entirely true. It depends on how you view the situation. It could be likened to a guy with kids who has limited free time, or someone who works really long hours in a demanding job and can be unreliable as a result. Not the same type of issue, but issues that can affect the health of a new relationship... if you are committed to there BEING a relationship.

 

Bottom line, whether the man is single or married, if he does not treat you with love and respect then you should move on whether you yourself believe you deserve better or not. Hopefully in time, you will realize that you do in fact deserve much much more.

 

That's good.

 

KTD........I loved your post! I'm old:cool: and I tend to like the term breaking up, to me breaking up is clearer and it's a better way of saying......I'm done, I'm finished, don't let the door hit you in the azz when you leave. I get NC is supposed to mean essentially the same thing but it's sometimes used as manipulation. To me........just the words "breaking up" have more of a finality to them than NC.

Me, myself and I........have a preference for these words, "don't let the door hit you in the azz on the way out".

 

You're NOT bloody old!!!! And yes, to me, breaking up means The End. Goodbye Loser. NC means No Contact. Maybe it should be NCF... No Contact FOREVER.

 

Because the valid reason why it's over IS because the MM or MW is married. Where as in a regular relationship where two people are single and they break up, there's a reason. If that makes any sense..

 

Yes, it's a different style of break-up entirely. I was ready, sadly, to leave both my prior relationships. It had taken a LOT to get me to that stage, but it was PARTLY a relief when the end came. Nothing of the sort with this affair.

 

I look at NC as a discipline to get away from a relationship that you're overly invested in and don't see a reason for it terminating, though it has.

 

The problem with most A's is that the 'end' is not a clean ending. Typically the split of an A happens way prematurely to a normal relationship therefore both parties are typically still wanting the relationship and the feelings are very deep.

 

I also have this theory about A's, now that I've been in one, that the selection criteria is very high. In a normal single world you'll date quite a few people, determine what you like best, maybe date someone for a period of time and then break-up - you're fishing for a right fit, and if you're lucky you'll find someone that knocks your socks off. Some of those break-ups are very simple, you didn't invest much, some are more difficult but you have that seed of doubt in your stomach so you pine for a month and then you start to feel better (go read the breakup section of LS). In an A the upfront investment is high, it has to be, you're taking a very large risk and you'll only take the risk if you feel it's worth it (I'm speaking non-consciously here) so, almost always there has to be a strong feeling of 'connection' something we don't take as much in account when we date. If there's that 'connection' then there's the need for trust (it takes two), and there is a trust building phase of the relationship (back and forth disclosure/sharing of personal information) so by the time the A starts there's been already a lot of pre-screening that you'd never do while dating, as you'd then be on 1 date a year at most.

 

So, take those two elements and NC becomes the main route to end the relationship. Not saying people don't say 'lets break-up' but usually it ends with NC.

 

Fab post Circular. I think you're right, particularly about the investment and the selection etc.

[flying]

NC is very much touted in "normal relationships". Look in the Breaking Up and 2nd Chances forum... they're even more anal about NC then those involved in affairs.

 

I was going to say this but LisaLee already did.

 

In fact, NC probably migrated over here from those other forums. As I recall there's a great guide to no contact thread, originally posted in the Coping section by former(?) poster No Foolin a few years back:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

Applies to anyone who's having trouble letting go of any kind of unhealthy relationship.

[ladydesigner]

I look at NC as a discipline to get away from a relationship that you're overly invested in and don't see a reason for it terminating, though it has.

 

The problem with most A's is that the 'end' is not a clean ending. Typically the split of an A happens way prematurely to a normal relationship therefore both parties are typically still wanting the relationship and the feelings are very deep.

 

I also have this theory about A's, now that I've been in one, that the selection criteria is very high. In a normal single world you'll date quite a few people, determine what you like best, maybe date someone for a period of time and then break-up - you're fishing for a right fit, and if you're lucky you'll find someone that knocks your socks off. Some of those break-ups are very simple, you didn't invest much, some are more difficult but you have that seed of doubt in your stomach so you pine for a month and then you start to feel better (go read the breakup section of LS). In an A the upfront investment is high, it has to be, you're taking a very large risk and you'll only take the risk if you feel it's worth it (I'm speaking non-consciously here) so, almost always there has to be a strong feeling of 'connection' something we don't take as much in account when we date. If there's that 'connection' then there's the need for trust (it takes two), and there is a trust building phase of the relationship (back and forth disclosure/sharing of personal information) so by the time the A starts there's been already a lot of pre-screening that you'd never do while dating, as you'd then be on 1 date a year at most.

 

So, take those two elements and NC becomes the main route to end the relationship. Not saying people don't say 'lets break-up' but usually it ends with NC.

 

As usual great post Circular!

 

I used to think NC was way too harsh. I thought I could still be friends with my XOM. It was not possible at all for me. I would check my emails a 100 times a day and then when I would get one I would get that rush and then want more:( This was not my idea of fun or a friendship. He would be platonic one day and then the next telling me that he is thinking of me, having dirty thoughts about me, yada yada yada.

 

I am over 1 year NC now and while I do miss my friend occasionally, I also don't if that makes any sense *dizzy* I do not miss looking at my email 100 times a day and wondering when he will contact me again. I KNOW he will not contact me again and if he does I will not open that wound EVER again. I am done with that part of my life. *whew*

[fooled once]

Great post Karma. I completely agree!

 

Some people use NC as a manipulation tactic, but that's not the intent of it. The purpose of NC is to keep from getting sucked back into the A...to allow yourself time and space to move on and heal. It's not a useless tool.

 

Of course breaking up is difficult, and it takes some longer than others to see the A and the MM entirely for what they are/were. There is still longing and wishing that things were different. It is then that we are the most vulnerable and most susceptible to being drawn back into the A. That's when NC should be implemented. Not for manipulative purposes.

 

Excellent post too sadintexas!

[Katharin Clifton]

Why is it that any normal relationship that has met its end, we break up, but in an A, we call it "going No Contact"? Isn't that a set up? I say throw the concept of NC out the door!

 

Sometimes, people aren't strong enough, and they need to take it a day at a time... you know?

[Spark1111]

Ok, well....An affair is like the perpetual third date: everyone on their best behavior, sexual tension runs so high due to a hormonal dance in the limbic(primal) area of the brain it creates a chemically addicted environment. It is forbidden, illicit, and exhiliarating!

 

Ask doctors, psychologists, evolutionary biologists, scientists.

 

An affair is not a normal relationship by any stretch of the imagination. Look at the conditions necessary to create it.

 

So, you wouldn't say to the crack addict, "Just use once in a while, if it makes you feel better." Why? Because it will make them feel worse! Like LC in an affair!

 

NC is cold turkey! Once you start to mourn the loss of your hormonal addiction, you begin to see the irrational hold it had over you; what you lost in terms of self-esteem, self-respect, unacceptable behaviors.

 

It is not meant to be manipulative. It is meant to allow objectivity and reasoning to enter a formerly oxcytocin addled brain; to truly assess your options for a "real" relationship, to see if actions are following promises; to guage the truth of the relationship separate from the roller coaster feelings.

 

It is to protect you and your future decisions.

[Spark1111]

Breaking up is in a relationship that starts normally with an attraction, runs a normal course, and dies of natural causes.

 

Thinking is: We had less in common than I originally thought, or he's not my type, or that argument really hurt me and I do not want to invest anymore in this person, or he in me.

 

It is not loaded with unrequited drama, they triangle dynamic, aor is illicit in nature. Hormones do not rollercoaster, addicting the participant, as in an affair.

 

The rise, run high, and decline slowly.

 

Breaking up still hurts, but it has no where near the addictive quality of an affair!

[jennie-jennie]

Ok, well....An affair is like the perpetual third date: everyone on their best behavior, sexual tension runs so high due to a hormonal dance in the limbic(primal) area of the brain it creates a chemically addicted environment. It is forbidden, illicit, and exhiliarating!

 

Ask doctors, psychologists, evolutionary biologists, scientists.

 

Why is it that I do not recognize the description above? I have been in an extramarital relationship for five years, so I sure do have enough experience to judge if the above is true. I do not need to ask a doctor, a psychologist, evolutionary biologist or scientist to know it is false, at least for me.

 

There is no, and I say NO, difference between this relationship and any other long term relationship I have had other than that my MM has a relationship parallel to ours.

[jennie-jennie]

Experts advise to let an extramarital relationship run its course, just like you would with any other relationship. Trying to end it prematurely with NC will only make the emotions more intense, the bond stronger, and prolong the affair.

[Spark1111]

Why is it that I do not recognize the description above? I have been in an extramarital relationship for five years, so I sure do have enough experience to judge if the above is true. I do not need to ask a doctor, a psychologist, evolutionary biologist or scientist to know it is false, at least for me.

 

There is no, and I say NO, difference between this relationship and any other long term relationship I have had other than that my MM has a relationship parallel to ours.

 

Can't answer that one Jennie.

 

Affairs don't usually last five years. It more ike 6 months to 2 years...the same hormonal flush as a new relationship, only intensified.

[Spark1111]

Experts advise to let an extramarital relationship run its course, just like you would with any other relationship. Trying to end it prematurely with NC will only make the emotions more intense, the bond stronger, and prolong the affair.

 

Only if it's broken...similiar to having a little sip to the alcoholic, or a little fix of meth-amphan....

 

THe cycle starts all over again: euphoria, depression, up, down, seratonin spike then crash....

 

Doesn't it even amaze you how many OW go on to despise their MM? The lies and deception and fake promises made to them, that they don't see until after a long time of NC has passed?

[siuys]

I completely recognise the addictive elements in my A with xMM. The emotional stress got so bad I was having anxiety attacks. I then basically begged him not to contact me (so far he has not - day 6). I can't go back to that roller coaster anymore. It's over. I realised there is no one on this earth worth ruining my health for. As far as the A/R goes, as long as he hasn't filed, it's done, dusted, buried.

[jennie-jennie]

Can't answer that one Jennie.

 

Affairs don't usually last five years. It more ike 6 months to 2 years...the same hormonal flush as a new relationship, only intensified.

 

So, as I said, no different than any other relationship.

[jennie-jennie]

Only if it's broken...similiar to having a little sip to the alcoholic, or a little fix of meth-amphan....

 

THe cycle starts all over again: euphoria, depression, up, down, seratonin spike then crash....

 

Doesn't it even amaze you how many OW go on to despise their MM? The lies and deception and fake promises made to them, that they don't see until after a long time of NC has passed?

 

When you are truly over a past love, you do not despise him/her. Despising them means you still care.