SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) SO and I almost never fight, argue or bicker. When we do, it is usually over something relatively little and unimportant, in the big picture. In the last 6 months or so, every time we have fought over something (I think 3 times, which is a lot for us, but is probably because we essentially live together), he has escalated a small disagreement/argument to yelling at me and in 2 cases kicking me out. Even though I am the one who is irked about something initially, I never yell/raise my voice, and I never go off topic, bring up past things, or say rude/nasty/hurtful things - but he does. The next day this is always followed by me: taking him seriously and at his word (because the things he says are kind of awful); him: I love yous, why do you have to take everything to the extreme and leave, we just had a small fight (but no apology). He then "jokes" () about how my behavior postponed our engagement by 6 months, or some other arbitrary number. The first time this happened was almost immediately after we went to look at rings. He is then immediately back to the daily "I love you so much I can't wait to have a baby with you I need to hurry up and marry you" BS. Aside from the fact that this behavior is unattractive to me, and makes me wonder if we had a small fight when we were married if he would be threatening me with divorce every time, my friend and I have decided that this indicates that he is scared of getting married. Who knows if he is scared of marriage, or just scared of marrying me. Either way, it's not happening for us. Edited October 20, 2010 by SecretSquirrel
xpaperxcutx Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Are you guys still together though? And yes, it does sound like he intentionally sabotaged the wedding by starting fights.
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Are you guys still together though? Yes; this conversation with my friend just happened yesterday, and I haven't seen SO since, as I had plans last night.
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 And yes, it does sound like he intentionally sabotaged the wedding by starting fights. Well, I was the one that had a problem, he is the one who turned it into a fight...I guess that's the same thing though, as what you said. His attitude seems to be if I'm cool with him everything's fine and great, and if I have a problem with him I am crazy, ridiculous, etc. I'm not jealous, I almost never have a problem with him, and when I do it's over the same type of issue, which I personally do not think is crazy at all (of course), and if he actually cared he wouldn't argue with me, he would listen to me, but he claims that I make him feel as though he has to "walk on eggshells" around me. It's actually making me think that he has deep issues (maybe commitment ones) because the things I get annoyed over are not the kind of things that make people say they feel like they need to walk on eggshells.
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I'm not jealous, I almost never have a problem with him, and when I do it's over the same type of issue, which I personally do not think is crazy at all (of course), and if he actually cared he wouldn't argue with me, he would listen to me, but he claims that I make him feel as though he has to "walk on eggshells" around me. It's actually making me think that he has deep issues (maybe commitment ones) because the things I get annoyed over are not the kind of things that make people say they feel like they need to walk on eggshells. The impression that I get is that sometimes you get bored, start some drama until he has enough and kicks you out. The next day, when you come crawling back, you want him to apologize for your flip-out. He doesn't apologize, but since he loves you, tells you he loves you and wants to get back to normal as soon as possible. And is it so hard to believe that he is unsure about you? He loves you and is generally happy with you, but then there are those freak-outs you have, and this worries him.
make me believe Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Wow! He sounds totally manipulative and, frankly, like an assh*le. Why would you even want to marry someone who yells at you, says awful things, kicks you out, and then blames it on you afterwards??? IMO he's doing you a huge favor by not marrying you. This is NOT normal or acceptable behavior from a partner.
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 The impression that I get is that sometimes you get bored, start some drama until he has enough and kicks you out. The next day, when you come crawling back, you want him to apologize for your flip-out. He doesn't apologize, but since he loves you, tells you he loves you and wants to get back to normal as soon as possible. And is it so hard to believe that he is unsure about you? He loves you and is generally happy with you, but then there are those freak-outs you have, and this worries him. I hardly think me being annoyed about some behavior of his, and calmly bringing it up to him in an attempt to discuss it constitutes a "freak out".
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Wow! He sounds totally manipulative and, frankly, like an assh*le. Why would you even want to marry someone who yells at you, says awful things, kicks you out, and then blames it on you afterwards??? IMO he's doing you a huge favor by not marrying you. This is NOT normal or acceptable behavior from a partner. I know how to pick the winners
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I hardly think me being annoyed about some behavior of his, and calmly bringing it up to him in an attempt to discuss it constitutes a "freak out". I don't know what happened, I wasn't there. I just gave you my impression of what it sounded to me, since all the other posters were so quick to take your side. Maybe you are more to blame than you think? Also, what's the topic that you 'calmly' brought up multiple times?
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) I don't know what happened, I wasn't there. I just gave you my impression of what it sounded to me, since all the other posters were so quick to take your side. Maybe you are more to blame than you think? Also, what's the topic that you 'calmly' brought up multiple times? No doubt I am not perfect. In my defense, when someone brings something up to me, I do my best to listen, acknowledge, and if it's called for, change the problematic behavior. The topic at hand is rooted in selfishness and inconsiderate behavior, IMO, but I'm a tad bit angry right now. This behavior manifests itself in a number of ways, so no particular incident has been brought up more than once, I just think every instance is a result of the same thing, which is basically breaking promises and letting me down. Example: Once we were supposed to go to a HH (6pm) that was a couple's thing, and was planned weeks in advance. He was completely on board until he found out some of his friends were going to be at the same place, but not until later in the night, say 10pm. Then he started crapping all over the HH idea and made it obvious he no longer wanted to go. I made it clear it was important to me that he come to the HH (that's another story), but he kept being a baby about it, so I finally said if he was so upset about it, I would rather he didn't come after all. The day of, he insisted he would love to come to the HH because it was important to me and wanted to make me happy. But, he wanted to take a nap first, so he went to go lay down. As it turned out, he spent 3 hours on his computer first, then a half hour before we were supposed to leave, he laid down for a nap and said to wake him up to leave. I did, and he said he wanted to sleep for another half hour. So I left without him. 1.5 hours into the HH he texts me that he had overslept and was on his way. As it turned out, he wasn't on his way, as he needed to shower and get ready for a night out with his friends (clothes, hair, shaving, etc.), and get cash from an ATM before heading out - this whole process took him another 3.5 hours and he didn't show up until his friends did. He didn't bother to tell me he was going to be so late until I texted him asking what was taking so long, because at that point I was on my own and waiting for him. I was very disappointed and annoyed about this. However, a night out drinking and in public is not the place to bring it up. So, the next day when I told him that I felt really let down (my exact words) about his behavior last night he was immediately angry and started yelling at me about how he hadn't wanted to go out at all, and was only going because I wanted him to (ignoring the fact that I wanted him to at 6pm, not at 10 or 11pm), and he couldn't believe I was mad when he went through such a process to go out (oversleeping and having to go to the ATM for cash for a cab). That was the beginning of the argument. Another recent example was almost exactly the same type of thing. He volunteered to help me do something at a certain time, decided to something else instead, without telling me, and didn't respond to my phone calls or texts asking him where he was at, showed up 5 hours late when it was too late and didn't understand why I felt like I couldn't count on him. Edited October 20, 2010 by SecretSquirrel
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 ... Ok, now that really sounds like he's a prick. But you cannot change him - all you can do is set boundaries what's acceptable behavior for you, and what is not. But this only works if you are willing to go through with it.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 How old is he again? His behavior is not only selfish, but reeks of immaturity that is reminescent of a 8 year old throwing a tantrum. If he's acting the way he is now, you can be gauranteed he'll be taking acting no differently on the marriage route. Is he aware of his behavior? From the sounds of things, he's quick to forget things ever happened rather than take responsibilty for his actions.
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Ok, now that really sounds like he's a prick. But you cannot change him - all you can do is set boundaries what's acceptable behavior for you, and what is not. But this only works if you are willing to go through with it. The first time this happened, the HH example, was literally the same day that we had gone to look at rings. This type of thing hadn't been a problem before that, so I really did think bringing it up and talking about it would help...I didn't see it as "changing him" because he had never done that before. But, I think it's telling, upon reflection of the past 6 months, that these issues crop up right after we look at rings.
LoveAintEverything Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Yeah I think you and your friend are right he is just plain right scared of getting married in general...not just to you...to anyone. Do you guys have a date picked out yet? If so...I would think about postponing it
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 How old is he again? His behavior is not only selfish, but reeks of immaturity that is reminescent of a 8 year old throwing a tantrum. If he's acting the way he is now, you can be gauranteed he'll be taking acting no differently on the marriage route. Is he aware of his behavior? From the sounds of things, he's quick to forget things ever happened rather than take responsibilty for his actions. He's in his mid-30s. Almost 35. He never takes responsibility for his actions, nothing is ever his fault; it's all my fault because I'm crazy and like to fight so I find ridiculous things to be mad about, which results him feeling like he has to walk on eggshells and be super nice to me because he's terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing that will set me off:laugh:
make me believe Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 If he is not ready to get married, he needs to grow up & be honest with you about it. But if you keep putting up with how he is treating you, you have no right to complain about it. You're willingly staying with a guy who treats you like crap and acts like a bratty teenager at age 35. WHY???
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) If he is not ready to get married, he needs to grow up & be honest with you about it. But if you keep putting up with how he is treating you, you have no right to complain about it. You're willingly staying with a guy who treats you like crap and acts like a bratty teenager at age 35. WHY??? I suppose that seems obvious when I've written it as I have all in one place here. However, you should keep in mind that we dated for years without having any problems like the ones I've mentioned here. This started 6 months ago, and the behaviors I mentioned have occurred 3 times in 6 months, which isn't really a lot when you think about - some people fight every day, this behavior was more like 1x/2 months for the last 6 months. Possibly you could understand why I wouldn't have put everything together as I did in this thread the first time this happened . I put all this together yesterday/today. Add to that the fact that I thought we were getting married. Edited October 20, 2010 by SecretSquirrel
FructoseGrande Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 In the last 6 months or so, every time we have fought over something (I think 3 times, which is a lot for us, but is probably because we essentially live together), he has escalated a small disagreement/argument to yelling at me and in 2 cases kicking me out. Excuse me? How does someone act in such an intimidating fashion that you actually feel compelled to leave that person's presence, against your will? And, why on earth would you think of marrying such a person and god forbid having children with him? You need to dump his @ss yesterday.
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 How does someone act in such an intimidating fashion that you actually feel compelled to leave that person's presence, against your will? We are basically living together, at his request and insistence, so kicking me out was a "we're done, get your things in the morning and leave" kind of thing. And then when I took him at his word: "What are you doing, why do you have to take everything to the extreme? We just had a little fight and you're moving out?"
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 At least you know what you're getting into. If you marry him now, you can't complain about anything he does.
Author SecretSquirrel Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 At least you know what you're getting into. If you marry him now, you can't complain about anything he does. The whole point of the thread is that we're not getting married. I know that I'm not a regular poster who people might follow the goings-on in my life, but as I've posted about his words vs. actions in regards to getting married when I joined the site, I thought I would follow up in case it helps someone else out. There are plenty of "We've dated for 10 years, why hasn't he proposed yet, should I wait longer" threads on here. It also doesn't hurt to put my thoughts/feelings out there where it won't affect how friends/family perceive either of us.
sweetjasmine Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 But, I think it's telling, upon reflection of the past 6 months, that these issues crop up right after we look at rings. It sounds like you and your friend might be right. Your SO reminds me of one of my SO's friends. This friend was head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend, but he's the type of person who is so scared of commitment that he deliberately does things to show that he's still his own man who can do whatever he wants, and everyone can just go f- themselves. So he and his girlfriend would end up in situations where she would drive an hour in the snow after work to go see him, and he would just sit in his room playing Warcrack for 2-3 hours while she sat on the bed, doing nothing. Until she got fed up and just went home. Then he'd wonder why she left and get upset and do the whole "I love you" thing until she caved in again. They broke up, and she gave him a second chance. It lasted for a little while, but his behavior never changed. He kept doing the "I'm going to do what I want, you can't tell me what to do" thing, so she gave up and left him. He took it really hard and it took him well over a year to get over it. He thought she was the one for him, but he refused to be honest with himself about his own behavior and about the reasons for his actions. Squirrel, I'd move on if I were you.
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