Thoughts on casual sex and how important your first time REALLY was...

[that girl]

Agreed. My first time was with a guy I had met that same night, last year when I was 17. He was 24. I don't regret it at all.

 

TBH, I had thought about my virginity prior to losing it, as you do. People might say this is an unhealthy mentality, but I was quite sure that I wanted to lose it someone I didn't know rather than all the pressure implied involved in losing it to someone who I was in a long term relationship with.

 

This is really different than what seems to being going on with the OP.

[utterer of lies]

You are projecting your fantasies on to this girl.

 

That's not the case. But you won't believe it anyway, so ... whatever.

 

And when I mentioned it wasn't a good idea from a safety point of view, you mockingly asked if I thought he could be a rapist. Like that is a totally paranoid thing to thing of a grown man who goes after teenagers and suggests they spend the weekend with him.

 

A man she knows for multiple years, which she is interested in.

 

Anyone could be a rapist, but it's a bit far-fetched that he would set up such an elaborate plan to just be able to **** her. Sorry, but especially if he's a sports athlete of local fame he can just go to any bar and pick up girls for that.

 

So yes, I think it's unlikely.

[that girl]

That's not the case. But you won't believe it anyway, so ... whatever.

 

 

 

A man she knows for multiple years, which she is interested in.

 

Anyone could be a rapist, but it's a bit far-fetched that he would set up such an elaborate plan to just be able to **** her. Sorry, but especially if he's a sports athlete of local fame he can just go to any bar and pick up girls for that.

 

So yes, I think it's unlikely.

She doesn't know him, it sounds like she's actually only met him once. And even then he was a 28 year old athlete hitting on a teenage holiday worker.

 

Kobe Bryant and Ben Bollinger have a lot of woman options two, but both of them may or may not have raped someone because they felt entitled to have sex with a flirty woman.

[utterer of lies]

As you have so vehemently expressed that you could care less about her or about teenagers in general, why would you assume she would care for your oh-so-generous advice which might literally place her in harm's way?

 

Ok, this might have been unclear. I like confident women with experience, who know what they are doing and fight for what they want. This is exactly what teenagers are not. This was written in response to all those insinuations by 'that girl' that my advice was simply a 'hot fantasy'. Which is bull****.

 

I don't want any harm to come to her, but I think your fears are way above a healthy level.

Edited October 20, 2010 by utterer of lies

[Jannah]

OJ was 30 when he met Nicole who was only 18 at the time....

 

Please exercise caution.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_predator

http://www.ou.edu/oupd/kidsafe/websafe.htm

[that girl]

I don't want any harm to come to her, but I think your fears are way above a healthy level.

They're not though. Bad things happen every day.

 

When I used to go clubbing alot, I always asked friends "Are you going to screw him?" before they left with a guy. If they said yes, awesome go have fun. But if they shrugged, I would point out that isn't a good idea and suggest they give him their number. I'm sure some guys thought I was cockblocking them, but I don't have any problem with people having random sex. I just don't want to hold anyone's hand through a rape exam and as a woman, I don't have the luxury of pretending that isn't a possibility.

 

Not every guy is a good guy and women think about safety far more than you do. It is pretty standard advice when meeting an internet friend in another city to get your own hotel room no matter how nice they seem. This guy raises some red flags, so I don't think it is paranoid to suggest she shouldn't go to another city to spend the weekend with him and possibly sleep with him. It could go badly.

[utterer of lies]

Not every guy is a good guy and women think about safety far more than you do. It is pretty standard advice when meeting an internet friend in another city to get your own hotel room no matter how nice they seem. This guy raises some red flags, so I don't think it is paranoid to suggest she shouldn't go to another city to spend the weekend with him and possibly sleep with him. It could go badly.

 

 

Ok, it's probably a good idea for her to get a hotel room and invite him to the hotel. Then she can always call hotel security and have him kicked out if there's any problem. That I can fully agree with.

 

 

But just spending the weekend with him in itself ... nothing bad there.

[loverofloveandstuff]

This is really different than what seems to being going on with the OP.

 

'how important your first time REALLY was...' Thread title.

[Knittress]

'how important your first time REALLY was...' Thread title.

 

o.O You should really read what's going on here. The guys are all jumping at the slightest opportunity to get laid and telling her to throw caution to the wind while the ladies are suggesting she go have that fun casual sex with someone that ISN'T a creeper. Yep. Prettymuch.

[Confusedalways]

Age aside, why are you so eager to meet back up with this guy and lose it?

 

Maybe it would be worth hanging out with him a few times BEFORE deciding whether or not to sleep with him.

 

At the end of the day, it's your choice. Although I am only slightly older than you, I would be very uncomfortable with going from having met once or whatever to jumping into bed with someone-- especially given the age gap.

 

That being said, your mind honestly sounds made up to me.

[Mutant Debutante]

So, almost everyone who has actually been an inexperienced teenage girl and has first-hand experience with how predatory some older guys can be with teenage girls...and first-hand experience with the emotional fallout many/most girls experience around sex... thinks this is a bad idea.

 

I think it's fine to have sex without being in love, even for your first time, if that's how you want it. I think it's okay to have a one night stand with somebody who really melts your panties, and then go on about your life. My own first time was more of a hot fumble than a bed of flowers, and that was cool.

 

But this guy sounds like a predator and you sound horny but way naive. It's my opinion that if you lose your virginity to him, when you're older, there's a good chance you'll look back on it with hindsight and feel bad about it.

 

If you decide to go for it anyway, make sure it's safe. You met this guy once and he's been cultivating you all this time, now he wants you to come to him far away from everyone and everything you know--that's not safe. Tell his lazy ass to come to you.

[nat_nat]

Thanks for your views everyone, it's helping me to weigh things up A LOT better! To be honest, I never even thought about putting myself in any danger, I have always assumed everything would be ok, but I realise that's naive of me.

 

What I don't understand though, is why would he want to sleep with me and meet up with me when he can basically have anyone he wants? (I'm sure all sorts of women want him around his local area, simply because of his job) I should talk to him more about this...

[Eclypse]

Nat I lost my virginity only recently myself (I'm also the same age as you). I was in a committed relationship however. Let's be honest. The first time is gonna suck I'm glad my girlfriend loved me and we supported each other. She actually cried after because of the wave of hormones and emotions she hadn't experienced before.

 

Before I met her though I was entertaining the possibility of doing something similar to you (alas im no pro footballer though). I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but looking back on it I'm very glad I waited that extra bit and met the love of my life. I just pray you won't get hurt because it is an emotional time and I hope you can trust him to not just dump you after you have it.

[carhill]

What I don't understand though, is why would he want to sleep with me and meet up with me when he can basically have anyone he wants?

 

I'd be able to give a less likely speculation if he was traveling to see you; however, given the scenario you described, it sounds like an 'arrangement', especially if he's paying for your travel. He likely has similar arrangements with other young ladies he interacts with. Why? Because he can.

 

So, irrespective of NSA sex for ending your virginity, how do your parents feel about you taking off on a trip to see a 30 y/o man?

 

IMO, and from experience, your 'first time' would only be a 'big deal' if it was on your wedding night. Otherwise, it's varying levels of lust, intimacy and perhaps love, and generally, for most people, transitory.

 

As someone old enough to practically be your grandfather, I'd be worrying more about the logistics here than the sex part. If this was a local kid you were looking to get it on with and be back home by midnight, hey that's what teenagers do. What you're proposing is a bit different. Think it through. Good luck and welcome to LS

[Leigh 87]

Hi! I'm sorry it has taken me a while to read this thread, I had no idea u were interested to know my own opinion on the matter.

 

Firstly, I was not totally comfortable within myself, and as a result I was not able to just relax and be myself around the guy; although he was great in bed and I did have fun, I had my own personal issues that got in the way.

 

In terms of feelings, I did not get feelings for him personally, but not every one would be able to have sex without getting too attatched. You naturally get attatched to SOME extent, it is in our biology; you have sex, and you form a bond.

 

However, if you can view the situation for what it is ( a casual sex encounter, whereby you WILL develope certain feelings towards them, but that the feelings are simply our natural reaction to sex and do nto have to lead to a deaper connection) , then it wil be okay.

 

In order to have sucessful casual sex without getting hurt, have to accept that u will get attatched to some extent, due to the fact u have shared your body with the guy. In addition to the acceptance that a slight bond will develope, you also have to be happy enough eith in yourself as a women.

 

If you have your own awsome life happening, and you are not needy, then you will not have to depend too much on this guy in the future, after the sex. Do you have enough basic foundations in place ( career direction, hobbies, interest, a social life, etc), so that you will not latch on to a guy just because you have sex?

 

You cannot be lacking in important aspects of your life if you want to have relationship OR even just casual sex. If you are feelng a void in your life in any way, then a boyfriend OR even just casual sex, can make a needy women cling to a guy, due to the lack of other things in their lives.

 

Personally, I got a bit depressed and lazy and stopped woring hard at my life to achiave thiings, so when I had sex with the guy, I did not really keep myself busy enough so I did think sbout him too much.

 

Regardless, I never developed actual feelings for the guy as a person, because I did not know him; on the other hand, if you get to know this guy better once u stay with him, you may actually develope true feelings.

 

Lastly, not every women has the capacity to sleep with a guy, without then feeling the need to want to be with them in a deaper way. Casual sex is not for every one.

 

MY ADVICE: the only way to know if casual sex is for you, is to first STAY WITH THE GUY for 2 of the 3 days, and see how your chemistry is. and ONLY proceed to have sex if you can fully relax and be your best version of yourself around him.

 

Have sex if it feels right. Frankly, life is about learning, and i think you should have sex if it feels good between you, WITHOUT THINKING about the consequences.

 

Life should be abut learning, I think it is silly to not take chances just to avoid getting hurt. If it feels right and you really feel like being close with this guy, HAVE SEX!

 

If you develope the desire to want to be in a more serious relationship with him, and the guy does not like you in the same way, then go NO CONTACT and get over him. Simple. Well, it is not particularly pleasant to get over a guy you like and who does NOT liek you in return, but the steps u need to follow are SIMPLE.

 

I hope my advice helped.

[Crazy Magnet]

nat_nat: you are assuming that you are the only girl he is sexting and sending flirty messages to. The likelihood that he has other partners is pretty high. Let's also examine the fact that he wants you to travel to him. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and learned what a bad idea that was. The fact that he wants you to come to him signals very low interest in you, otherwise he would stop at nothing to get to you.

 

Do you honestly think he's not currently sleeping with other women? Do you want to have sex with a man who can crawl out of another woman's bed and send you a dirty text? If you do, great, hop on his stick, but think about it.

 

IMO, this is way too much effort to lose your virginity. Isn't there anyone within a reasonable distance willing to take your panties off? If you just want to have sex, then go out and find sex. As a woman you honestly shouldn't have that hard of a time finding a willing partner.

 

Have the two of you discussed birth control? If you aren't discussing other things, like birth control, how comfortable you might or might not feel with him, etc then realize you are nothing more than a vagina to this guy. He should be concerned about your health and you should be too. Who's buying the condoms? Or are you assuming that he will have those too?

 

I'm all for you having sex, but this has catastrophic train wreck written all over it.

 

(Also note, first time sex sucks for women, don't expect any fireworks).

[nat_nat]

MY ADVICE: the only way to know if casual sex is for you, is to first STAY WITH THE GUY for 2 of the 3 days, and see how your chemistry is. and ONLY proceed to have sex if you can fully relax and be your best version of yourself around him.

 

Have sex if it feels right. Frankly, life is about learning, and i think you should have sex if it feels good between you, WITHOUT THINKING about the consequences.

 

Thank you for sharing about how you felt when you were in a similar situation I think this is excellent advice here, if I do go and see him and things don't feel right, I wouldn't have sex with him JUST because he might expect it from me. It would have to feel right, and of course we'd have to have that chemistry. And I'm sure he would feel exactly the same, if we didn't get on, he wouldn't exactly want me to sleep with him anyway!

 

Getting to know each other a bit for the first couple of days is a much better idea.

 

With your guy, did you two just have sex and then leave? Or did you stay around with him for a while? I'm concerned that after 3 solid days together, I might get to know him too well, start liking him more and feel too much of a strong attachment to him. It's inevitable really for this to happen...

[nat_nat]

nat_nat: you are assuming that you are the only girl he is sexting and sending flirty messages to. The likelihood that he has other partners is pretty high. Let's also examine the fact that he wants you to travel to him. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and learned what a bad idea that was. The fact that he wants you to come to him signals very low interest in you, otherwise he would stop at nothing to get to you.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on the matter!

 

I have never assumed I'm the only one he's in touch with though, given his job and the fact he's been single for a pretty long time as far as I know, I would expect him to flirt with a lot of women. He wants his fun, so why wouldn't he?

 

You said that you had been there and travelled to see someone. Do you mind me asking for details? Was that a casual sex situation and someone you didn't know well?

[Leigh 87]

.

 

With your guy, did you two just have sex and then leave? Or did you stay around with him for a while? I'm concerned that after 3 solid days together, I might get to know him too well, start liking him more and feel too much of a strong attachment to him. It's inevitable really for this to happen...

 

 

 

I put up a defence mechanism, actually, which I did not anticipate. This is hot it progressed; he texted me out of the blue and said we should catch a movie.

 

He then proceeded to text me, asking me to come hang out at his place, if it was not too much trouble of course. I said no.

 

SO what started off as him asking em to the movies, ended up him comming over here, to my place.

 

Before comming over, he did ask " should I wear something nice?" So perhaps he was considering it to be a date - like situation. At least he was trying to make some effort for me.

 

I told him to just wear his gym gear ( he is a body builder and Personal trainer). He came over, and I did not do much talking. he kissed me, and I found that whilst I was kissing him, I had no feelings; I enjoyed it, but I was not feeling anything emotionally.

 

I thought " this is good, no feelings beyond the chemistry we have" so I basically initiated sex with him....... he was shocked. He did not think we would have sex.

 

He was like " are you sure" several times. As soon as I discovered that i was not getting any feelngs whilst kissing him, I found myself wanting to move things along very fast, and have sex with him.

 

The next day he asked me to stay over at his place. I was like " um, I just sex for the first time in 5 years, so give me a break lol"

 

He said we didnt have to do anything, and he just wanted the company. Whatever. He is nice sort of guy though. So I went over. I knew I would have sex with him, cos I just needed to get it out of my system after so many years without it.

 

So I ended up being able to show him that I just wanted sex, fast, and that was it. I do crave the sex again, because he was absolutely amazing in bed, but in regards to you, if you do not have much interest or experience in the bedroom, perhaps re consider why u have chosen this guy to do it with.

 

To enjoy forplay and sex with a guy, you have to first of all HAVE the right chemistry with the guy. You say that " if we have the right chemistry we wil go for it" so your saying that you do not already HAVE the righyt connection?

 

I mean, I did not know this guy I slept with, but we felt the right feeling to do it. WHY do you want to have sex with a guy if you do not already know if you have the right connection?

 

Have sex with a guy you have already met, and which whom u already have ESTABLISHED the right desire to want to have sex with. DO NOT just pick a guy that you get along well enough with, and decide to have sex!

 

If you want sex, at least wait until a guy comes alone, that you STRONGLy FEEL like getting your clothes off with.

 

Do this guy make you want to take your clothes of, and do naughty things with him? If you do not have a intense urge to do bad things with a guy, DONT DO IT

 

Make sure you really desire some one sexually, before even CONSIDERING having sex with them.

 

It sounds a litte to me like you have just selected this guy cos you think he seams okay, and you want to lose your virginity for some reason.

 

Sex and stuff are not just things u need to get " out of the way". They are FUN, and you shoud wait until u meet a guy who makes u WANT TO have sex with him!

 

The first time can hurt and not be that all that pleasant, but the foreplay can, and you need to have a good connection and a deep seual desire towards a guy to experience any pleasure frm them.

 

Even if the sex hurts, u can still get turned on and have fun doing other things before the sex, and after the first time, sex will feel better with this guy. YOu have to feel strongly attracted to the guy to begin with to have ANy fun, sexually with them.

[that girl]

Thank you for sharing about how you felt when you were in a similar situation I think this is excellent advice here, if I do go and see him and things don't feel right, I wouldn't have sex with him JUST because he might expect it from me. It would have to feel right, and of course we'd have to have that chemistry. And I'm sure he would feel exactly the same, if we didn't get on, he wouldn't exactly want me to sleep with him anyway!

 

Getting to know each other a bit for the first couple of days is a much better idea.

 

With your guy, did you two just have sex and then leave? Or did you stay around with him for a while? I'm concerned that after 3 solid days together, I might get to know him too well, start liking him more and feel too much of a strong attachment to him. It's inevitable really for this to happen...

 

Nat, he has made it very clear that he is entirely interested in sex. He isn't building a relationship with you, he is looking to get laid.

 

He is not a sweet 20 year old guy who would like to sleep with you, he's a 30 year old man who has been focused on getting you into bed for years.

 

What if he decides not to take no for an answer? Remember, you don't really know this guy.

[Crazy Magnet]

Thanks for your thoughts on the matter!

 

I have never assumed I'm the only one he's in touch with though, given his job and the fact he's been single for a pretty long time as far as I know, I would expect him to flirt with a lot of women. He wants his fun, so why wouldn't he?

 

You said that you had been there and travelled to see someone. Do you mind me asking for details? Was that a casual sex situation and someone you didn't know well?

 

We had a mutual chemistry that's for sure. Distance always kept it to casualish sex with this guy, but it ended up going on for about 6 years. We would consistently get attached to each other and want to date, but we always seem to live 10 or so hours apart. I did know him in person for more than a year before we ever got physical (we had a class together in college). It was as hard on him as it was on me to keep it casual because we both always wanted more from each other and that was never going to happen.

 

We still keep in though though we haven't seen each other in two years. Most often it was me driving to see him (he stayed in the town of our Uni while I kept moving farther away) but he did make the drive to me sometimes as well (he wins longest driving award...15 hours, 1 way).

 

This guy was not my first though and I knew what I was getting into both physically and emotionally before I put myself in that situation.

 

If this guy isn't even willing to drive to you the first time he's honestly not interesting in "getting on" with you before he "gets it on" with you. I'm sensing all sorts of attachments already from your side with all this talking about "looking for chemistry" and "surely he wouldn't want to sleep with me unless he liked me." You will eventually learn that men will just about do and say anything to get some sex. Those of us who are more experienced are trying to tell you this and it's just not getting through your head.

 

You mention texting, how often do you actually hear his voice. If it's less than once a day he's really really really not into you.