So I bit the bullet and had the conversation

[Kismetly]

So my paramour arrived on Monday night. It was as gorgeous as it always is. I've never met a man who I feel so uninhibited with.

 

Over breakfast on the first morning something came up about home and when there was a break in the conversation I just said "so, are you going to stay living with your partner for the forseeable future?"

 

He thought about the question. He didn't look very surprised by it. He said, slowly, "no .... no ...." now remember, the official line is that he's "separated" living in the same house when he's there about one weekend of each fortnight, haven't told their children or families because there will be so much fall out (and I do accept that there would be fall out). He repeated, "no" then said "this isn't fair to anyone".

 

Then he started a long story about his daughter who has diabetes ... and I listened for a while (cause it all sounded like a bowl full of excuses) and I said "so you'll stay until the kids are grown up?".

 

He was like, no, no, no, this isn't fair to anyone, it'll be sorted after Christmas.

 

At that stage, I didn't see there was much milage in persuing the conversation - so dropped the subject, cracked a joke and continued a gorgeous city-break together.

 

Thismorning, he made some comment about something he wants to do with me in the future. I quipped "it's so romantic when you talk about the future" and he laughed and joked "back-up, back-up" it was funny, but it was telling.

 

There was one more conversation before he left this afternoon where he reminded me that I'd made it clear that I was ultimately interested in meeting someone who I could settle down with (I think he was saying it to make clear to me that he wasn't going to be settling down with me ... I'm not completely niave) He asked me "what happens if you meet someone else" and I said "well that's the problem with this, it's potentially too comfortable for me - the Clayton's boyfriend, I can do my ridiculous job, not have to commit very much of myself at all and still know there's someone out there who's thinking of me - but it means that I don't either get or give the full package that is intimate committed love and I don't know if that's enough for me."

 

He went a bit pale.

 

So the upshot of the whole thing is, I dropped him off at the airport and I made a commitment to myself that I have to get this man out of my life. I'm falling in love with him - and no matter how I try to dress it up - he's in a committed relationship with someone else. I don't/didn't feel particularly morally corrupt for the relationship up until now, but I'm starting too. That''s not OK.

 

On my way back from the airport, I popped in to my sisters place. She met him for the first time on this visit. Of course she doesn't know he's potentially in a committed relationship with someone else. She seems to buy the story I tell full of his recycled lines. She made the comment that she and her husband really liked him and the kids warmed to him quickly.

 

Yeah Great.

 

I told her (the lies that have to be told in these relationships are so complicated and exhausting) that "yeah, I really like him, but I don't want to be a step-parent (I have stepchildren from my first marriage and as much as I love them I'm not keen to sign up for another set ... well that's what she'll extrapolate).

 

She says ... because he is gorgeous and charming and clever and we obviously connect .... well, you don't have to cut off all contact with him, he's maybe Mr Not-Right-Now .... and I know she's being kind, but it gives me ridiculous new hope and I think, yeah, that's right, I can just get on with my life and keep him in the background until something changes and he can commit to me

 

.... and I'm right back at square one, returning a text me sent me while he was on stop-over on the way home, and then answering his call when he called me right back ....

 

My no-contact lasted about 50 minutes. What is wrong with me? How can I know it's what I've got to do, and be so freaking ineffective at doing it?

 

So ... "No Contact" do I just do it cold turkey? Do I tell him that I'm doing it? Do I let him guess? Will he want me back when he realises what a big hole I leave in his life? (and that's the biggest, unhealthiest and most honest question there is - will this "ultimatum" wake him up and make him know how fantastic I am and he'll throw caution to the wind, buy me a huge diamond and sweep me away to some tropical island where we'll live on fish and coconuts for the rest of time? how unhealthy am I??? that's a rhetorical question ....)

 

Seriously. I want this man more than life itself. I've never met anyone who I connect with on so many levels. We've just spent 72 hours together and it's been magical. If I wasn't so angst ridden I'd say "blow it - one day of this is worth dying for" in the immortal words of Dido.

 

I make it sound cold here, but it's the most passionate, intimate, amazing connection, we are both passionately committed to the work that we do, we are matched intellectually, physically and emotionally (although that's probably at the emotional-cripple level....). He's become my most intimate friend - and that's perhaps the part that scares me the most. I've started to depend on his emotional support - and I'm terrified of losing that.

 

I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm grateful if you made it to the end.

[seren]

Well I made it through to the end, for what it's worth, sounds like 2 people who get on, find joy in each other's company, connect, have similar expectations of an A, BUT, one is married with children the other is falling in love and wants more, or both want more (bit unclear what the MM wants).

 

What if you did ask him to throw caution to the wind and you both have an exclusive relationship? Could it survive past the lovely weekends away onto the not so lovely day to day stuff? The children would obviously factor in and if you aren't ready for that, are your ready for the rest?

 

Is is that the initial new, bright shiny times are moving on a bit toward the next stage, bright shiny times are so good simply because they offer an opportunity to escape the mundane stuff. Not saying these don't happen in long term relationships, just that day to day stuff creeps in too.

Sounds like the MM has lovely times with you, escapes the routine stuuf of house, home and responsibilities and then goes home to it all. Not saying he doesn't care about you, not at all, but the kicker is, if you are caring more than he and he is happy to just meet for a break in his married life and you begin to want more - how much of you are you willing to invest if the payback is less than you want/need? Hope I am explaining this OK and not got the wrong end of the stick.

 

I wont go into all the what about the BS stuff -even though I am one. Sure someone else will come along with all that - but just wanted to ask, what do you want in say ... 2 years time, or so?

 

As for the staying in the house, daughter has diabetes, well sounds like he is making excuses - come Christmas his daughter will still have diabetes, so what's the significance of Christmas? I went back and read the post again and you say that you might want the relationship to be a committed relationship - at the moment I don't think you will get that. I wonder what result a D Day would have - would he stay or go?

[jthorne]

What IS it with these MM claiming they are going to leave in December/Christmas? What A-hole breaks up a major relationship (no matter what state the R is in) around the holidays? What "good guy" who claims he's staying for the kids, leaves at one of the biggest kid's holidays? Who does that? Nobody, that's who.

 

So why do they say it? Don't they realize that when December rolls around and there are no bags packed, that the OW is going to be upset? Is it a forethought attempt to not have to deal with the OW/awkward gift giving over the holidays? I don't get it.

 

If he actually leaves, he disrupts his family over the holidays. If he doesn't leave, he ruins the OW's holiday. Why do MM not think this through? Maybe they are thinking with the wrong head, or they think they've bought enough time to think up another excuse.

[xpaperxcutx]

If I was placed in your position, I would just start seeing someone else. But I will not drop MM like a hat. If sex is good, why wouldn't I be content with the sex, but seek the emotional affair elsewhere?

 

MM is definitely getting his cake and eating it. The question is, are you?

[jwi71]

"so, are you going to stay living with your partner for the forseeable future?"

He thought about the question. He didn't look very surprised by it. He said, slowly, "no .... no ...." now remember, the official line is that he's "separated" living in the same house when he's there about one weekend of each fortnight, haven't told their children or families because there will be so much fall out (and I do accept that there would be fall out). He repeated, "no" then said "this isn't fair to anyone".

I'm confused.

 

First he lives with her (it sounds like full-time the way you wrote it) and then in the second part he only stays one weekend each fortnight.

 

So...which is it? Does he live there full-time or does he have his own place and stay only every other weekend with his wife and kids - presumably to keep up appearances with friends and family?

 

Then he started a long story about his daughter who has diabetes ... and I listened for a while (cause it all sounded like a bowl full of excuses) and I said "so you'll stay until the kids are grown up?".

Good Q. And you have EVERY right to ask.

 

He was like, no, no, no, this isn't fair to anyone, it'll be sorted after Christmas.

AFTER Christmas. So maybe January. I notice he neglected to give you a year...maybe he was thinking 2025.

 

At that stage, I didn't see there was much milage in persuing the conversation - so dropped the subject, cracked a joke and continued a gorgeous city-break together.

What does this mean? You asked questions and he answered. My thoughts are you didn't like the answers and dropped so as to not soil a good weekend together.

 

Thismorning, he made some comment about something he wants to do with me in the future. I quipped "it's so romantic when you talk about the future" and he laughed and joked "back-up, back-up" it was funny, but it was telling.

Glad to see you brain is still alive and well.

Because that is VERY telling about his mindset.

 

There was one more conversation before he left this afternoon where he reminded me that I'd made it clear that I was ultimately interested in meeting someone who I could settle down with (I think he was saying it to make clear to me that he wasn't going to be settling down with me ... I'm not completely niave) He asked me "what happens if you meet someone else" and I said "well that's the problem with this, it's potentially too comfortable for me - the Clayton's boyfriend, I can do my ridiculous job, not have to commit very much of myself at all and still know there's someone out there who's thinking of me - but it means that I don't either get or give the full package that is intimate committed love and I don't know if that's enough for me."

 

He went a bit pale.

I bet he did.

 

He is subtly (or not so I think) prepping you for the break-up speech. I bet he has a sudden flash of morality and tries an honest go at his M. Or maybe stay for the kids. Oh, he could use the I would lose to much respect line.

 

Sorry...but just based on this post...he is closer to leaving...but leaving you, not his W.

So the upshot of the whole thing is, I dropped him off at the airport and I made a commitment to myself that I have to get this man out of my life. I'm falling in love with him - and no matter how I try to dress it up - he's in a committed relationship with someone else. I don't/didn't feel particularly morally corrupt for the relationship up until now, but I'm starting too. That''s not OK.

Exactly...you two can each try and dress it up but the fact remains - he is married. (And he is prepping you for an end to this no longer fun A (you are asking Q's of him)).

 

On my way back from the airport, I popped in to my sisters place. She met him for the first time on this visit. Of course she doesn't know he's potentially in a committed relationship with someone else. She seems to buy the story I tell full of his recycled lines. She made the comment that she and her husband really liked him and the kids warmed to him quickly.

Why would you lie to your sister?

 

I told her (the lies that have to be told in these relationships are so complicated and exhausting) that "yeah, I really like him, but I don't want to be a step-parent (I have stepchildren from my first marriage and as much as I love them I'm not keen to sign up for another set ... well that's what she'll extrapolate).

More lies - this time now its YOU couching the end of the R with him.

 

She says ... because he is gorgeous and charming and clever and we obviously connect .... well, you don't have to cut off all contact with him, he's maybe Mr Not-Right-Now .... and I know she's being kind, but it gives me ridiculous new hope and I think, yeah, that's right, I can just get on with my life and keep him in the background until something changes and he can commit to me

OK...so tell her the TRUTH. He's married, has kids and either lives at home full-time or only every other weekend but no one can know they live apart because it will be bad for...everyone (kids, him, wife, family, etc).

 

.... and I'm right back at square one, returning a text me sent me while he was on stop-over on the way home, and then answering his call when he called me right back ....

Look, if the M is as dead as he says it shouldn't be a problem to ring up the W and ask HER. IF the M is dead she WILL understand. I mean, who WOULDN'T understand. HE found this great woman and his story just sounds fishy so you are calling to make sure its the truth. She'll gladly verify it.

 

Right?

 

My no-contact lasted about 50 minutes. What is wrong with me? How can I know it's what I've got to do, and be so freaking ineffective at doing it?

Because you don't to. If you did, you wouldn't be lying to yourself, your sister and everyone else you know.

 

You will continue to struggle. It won't get better. The ONLY way to kill it is NC...total, immediate and irrevocable NC. Trust me.

 

You won;t of course. And every time you break it...back into this misery. Life is hard enough as it is...why don't you find someone you DON'T have to lie about...

 

So ... "No Contact" do I just do it cold turkey? Do I tell him that I'm doing it? Do I let him guess? Will he want me back when he realises what a big hole I leave in his life? (and that's the biggest, unhealthiest and most honest question there is - will this "ultimatum" wake him up and make him know how fantastic I am and he'll throw caution to the wind, buy me a huge diamond and sweep me away to some tropical island where we'll live on fish and coconuts for the rest of time? how unhealthy am I??? that's a rhetorical question ....)

Yup...cold turkey.

Go ahead and call him and tell him you want more but he simply cannot provide it. Tell him the ticket to you is a signed and final D from the wife so YOU can be his next WIFE (try so honesty for once here ok). Then block his phone and email and IM and everything else.

 

Trust me, if he loves you he WILL find a way.

 

Seriously. I want this man more than life itself. I've never met anyone who I connect with on so many levels. We've just spent 72 hours together and it's been magical. If I wasn't so angst ridden I'd say "blow it - one day of this is worth dying for" in the immortal words of Dido.

So magical you cant be honest about it to anyone?

Why lie to YOUR friends and family?

 

I make it sound cold here, but it's the most passionate, intimate, amazing connection, we are both passionately committed to the work that we do, we are matched intellectually, physically and emotionally (although that's probably at the emotional-cripple level....). He's become my most intimate friend - and that's perhaps the part that scares me the most. I've started to depend on his emotional support - and I'm terrified of losing that.

You don't have it dear. His W does.

 

And your BEST next step is honesty with your sister. Enlist not faceless internet posters but your family and friends to help break this unhealthy situation. Forget typing it in here, cry it on their shoulders.

 

I truly don;t mean to attack you. But you have got to examine:

 

1) the inconsistency in his living arrangements

2) the pervasive lies

3) the addiction to him

 

Go NC, take a break from dating and enjoy the single life. Hell, after the D I TRULY wanted it still took me a year to recover to the point of dating and moving forward.

 

You'll make it I promise. But you gotta take the first step or NOTHING changes.

[KarmasTestDummy]

So here is my take. I think if he had nothing to add after your last blip about is that gonna be good enough, then you will never get the coconuts, and palm trees and huge diamond, etc. This was a defining statement and he had zero reassurance for you other than to go pale. Not even false promises?? Does he tell you he loves you?

I do think that leaving would be your best bet. Not sure why we call it NC. Let's do it the right way and call it a break up. NC leaves too much room for "maybe in the future" and ultimately leaves you pining and miserable.

With that being said, yes you have to tell him you're done. He needs reasons, (especially after a lovely 72 hr visit, how confusing) and he needs to be TOLD that he must not contact you. You don't have to say "unless ur single" it should be understood from you telling him what's wrong and why ur leaving.

Then you have to wait and cry and debate if it was wrong, and have multiple slip ups, wash rinse repeat, lol! It's horrible. It will probably ruin ur holidays and be back in his arms 2-3 more times before it becomes a reality. OR you can decide you're stronger than us all and change your number, remove his contact, get rid of any means of temptation. If he calls, you will answer, don't let it be a possibility...and if u can say to yourself, but what if I want him to call and fight for me??? Well then nc is pointless, you're merely using it as a form of manipulation hoping it will give him a reality check without you. Don't bother, you'll miss him more than he misses you, and when he does call you'll be so happy that you'll be willing to accept even less of a R than you had before. After my first bit of NC, we went from boyfriend/girlfriend to Friends with Benefits.

So, that's it in a nutshell. Make your choices, but me personally, since he gave you an after Christmas deal I would wait it out, set up a due date in ur mind, like no later than feb 1st there better be some action. Then if nothing, have the conversation take the steps...and go find u a new Valentine!

[whichwayisup]

You're his 'fantasy' back up plan. How nice..

 

The reason why NC didn't work is because you haven't ended it with him nor told him "I can't take this anymore, as much as you give me that we will be together, right now I just don't believe you." Then tell him the truth of how you feel, why you need to end it. Ask him to please respect your decision and leave you alone.

 

This guy isn't leaving his wife and kids. Ever. Believe that.

 

DO NOT let your sister or other people in your life give you hope because they think you two are a good match. Hello, you didn't tell them the truth of the situation! Which means you're not proud of the fact you are dating a MM. Why not just come clean with your own family and tell them what's going on, what MM's game plan is to leave after Christmas? I won't answer that, I know you know why......

 

Do it. Just end it now before you're in deeper than you are now. Sorry you're hurting but if you choose to stay, the hurt will be much more worse than it is now.

[BB07]

I think you've been given some great advice by the other posters and I don't have much to add other than this.

You say you are falling in love, I think you are already gone way past that. You ARE in love with him. I also think that the longer you let it go on as it is the more you will hurt.

 

I think you need to be straight up and honest with him right NOW and tell him what you want and what you expect and that you won't wait till Christmas for it. His ACTIONS will be telling and if it is not what your heart really wants (don't fool yourself) then let it and him go to save yourself.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

Seriously. I want this man more than life itself.

 

well if you ever end up with him, what you'll be getting is a cheater and a liar.

 

so if it happens, good luck with that.

[awkward]

 

My no-contact lasted about 50 minutes. What is wrong with me? How can I know it's what I've got to do, and be so freaking ineffective at doing it?

 

So ... "No Contact" do I just do it cold turkey? Do I tell him that I'm doing it? Do I let him guess? Will he want me back when he realises what a big hole I leave in his life? (and that's the biggest, unhealthiest and most honest question there is - will this "ultimatum" wake him up and make him know how fantastic I am and he'll throw caution to the wind, buy me a huge diamond and sweep me away to some tropical island where we'll live on fish and coconuts for the rest of time? how unhealthy am I??? that's a rhetorical question ....)

 

 

No contact isn't going to work until the pain outweighs the pleasure. Or until you believe him when he tells you and shows you that he doesn't want more. No contact is for you. It will not change MM but it should change you.

 

As far as manipulating him, it isn't going to work. Talking to him, seeing him, having sex with him, loving him, etc. isn't going to make him buy you that diamond and be your prince charming. Nor will going no contact make him do that either. The only thing that will make him do that is himself and clearly he isn't even close to looking for a committed relationship let alone a new marriage since he is discussing you meeting someone else.

 

I know you aren't serious when you say you want this man more than life itself. But keep in mind that is a warning. He isn't going to be there for you. He can't be. Protect yourself.

 

Sorry.

[awkward]

Also, you shouldn't lie to your sister. How can she support you without all the facts?

 

His marital status is irrelevant because I don't think your sister would support this relationship the way it is whether he was married or not. He kinda sorta lives with another woman. He doesn't want to commit to you. What more information would your sister need?

 

You don't tell her because you don't want her to judge him in case he leaves. But in the meantime you are cutting off the one person who could help you get through this. He might leave but what if he leaves and wants to be alone? or what if he wants to date others?

 

Live your life for you.

[Confused4Now]

You're his 'fantasy' back up plan. How nice..

 

The reason why NC didn't work is because you haven't ended it with him nor told him "I can't take this anymore, as much as you give me that we will be together, right now I just don't believe you." Then tell him the truth of how you feel, why you need to end it. Ask him to please respect your decision and leave you alone.

 

This guy isn't leaving his wife and kids. Ever. Believe that.

 

I remember these exact words WWIU and others said to me 2+ years ago.....and guess what. They were right!!!!

[whichwayisup]

I remember these exact words WWIU and others said to me 2+ years ago.....and guess what. They were right!!!!

Sadly for you, yes. Don't like to see you or anybody hurting, but in some sense, it should be kind of expected.....

 

You don't tell her because you don't want her to judge him in case he leaves

 

Hmm, not sure about that..More like she doesn't want to be judged by her sister, deal with the reaction etc,. I could be wrong though..

[awkward]

Hmm, not sure about that..More like she doesn't want to be judged by her sister, deal with the reaction etc,. I could be wrong though..

 

I was thinking of the relationship that I have with my sister. My sister would kick me in the butt. I don't think it would be her judging me more like her explaining to me that I'm living in lala land. And I don't think she would think very highly of Mr. Wonderful even if later down the line he decided to clean up his act.

 

But I agree with you. Maybe sis would throw a big dose a reality on this raging fire and the OP might not want to deal with that reaction.

[Kismetly]

Some of these replies have given me a nice giggle. Thank you. I really liked the poster who pointed out he didn't give me a year for "after-Christmas" and he could mean 2025! I've even been able to see the humour in some of stronger posts ... nice point Dexter.

 

Such good points about me lying to my family and friends. I did tell one friend who I thought would be kind given his own hedonistic lifestyle (he's a promiscuous gay man who lives his lifestyle with a zealous committment to pleasure at all costs) ... and he growled me, so it's not something I feel safe (or proud) admitting to anyone.

 

Also, I've been in denial ... BIG TIME.....I know he has been physically separated from his wife (he lives/works 5 hours away from them and goes back "to see the kids" every fortnight. The kids also go and stay with him during school holidays and stuff - so it looked pretty "separated". It's only been this week that he's really admitted for the first time (and kind of indirectly admitted) that he's not really separated from his wife. I suspect, and I have suspected for some time, in his partner's mind, he's working away from home.

 

I can't tell my sister, or anyone else in real life the truth because then I'm accountable for putting right what is wrong - and that would mean ... well, that would mean breaking up with him immediately ....obviously the jury in my head is still out on if I'm brave enough to do that.

 

I guess I could tell her the truth .... but gee, what do I say "he admitted to me this week that he's not really separated from his wife ... and I'm not really surprised, but I'm scarred because that means I really have no option but to end this relationship with him and that makes me very sad."? I guess that wouldn't be too hard. I just feel really stupid admitting it I guess.

 

The thing that's confusing me, is that I know I have to break up with him and I know that means removing him completely from my life. I know that with all my heart ... so why am I putting it off? I'm going to really miss him. He's become a huge part of my life ... and I hear all the warning bells right there and it's another reason I need to make the mental decision to stop this right now .... it's like I just don't want to let the end begin .....

 

I get full of resolve and then I think "oh come on, just back off a bit, relax, he's just a lover who you see from time to time, he's a good friend, you're both busy, you might only see each other once a month - as time goes by,maybe even less. You created this drama by putting a whole heap of expectations in your head about "the conversation" and when he didn't tell you what you wanted to hear you got all pouty. What were you going to do if said "Let's make a commitment to each other?" pack up and move to where he lives? I don't think so ... Just live your life Kismetly and fit him in where he fits ... it's good as it is, why the drama? (I suspect this voice is the devil... isn't it??)

 

So, what about "low-contact" is there any such concept? I suspect "low-contact" the equivalent of drinking diet coke with a burger and fries ....

[2sunny]

any lie you are willing to tell is a betrayal to yourself... why are you willing to betray yourself?

 

he's not leaving. not one thing he said stated his direct intention to leave his M. December isn't firm enough... what year? and it's not funny.

 

now you lie to yourself and your sister... THAT is not what love is supposed to consist of.

 

tell him straight up - when your divorce is FINAL - give me a call... i'll determine at that time if i'm available.

 

in the meantime - he figures you will wait forever - start dating - start living again and find a man that is completely available.

 

speak your truth. the lies will eat you alive.

[Kismetly]

and it's not funny.

 

......

 

speak your truth. the lies will eat you alive.

 

I do know it's not funny ... it's just such an awful feeling the only way I know how to deal with it is with a little bit of humour.

[2sunny]

I do know it's not funny ... it's just such an awful feeling the only way I know how to deal with it is with a little bit of humour.

 

that is why he is getting mixed signals that make him think you are ok with all of it. stop pretending like it's funny = it's not. you are putting your life and future on hold while he tramples all over you and his wife.

 

and this...

So I bit the bullet and had the conversation

 

i don't see any conversation that took place. i see a lot of pretending to dance around a conversation - avoiding speaking your truth - him avoiding being honest by lying by omission and half truths - and empty promises about something in the future. this is a ploy to keep you around... most of the time these empty "plans" never materialize because they keep talking so much of "the future" that they never live and DO things for today to make the future with the OW happen. stop believing his lies.

 

IF a man intends to make things happen - he will. in the meantime - stop waiting. get busy living. when he gets DIVORCED (past tense) then you will know he is serious about you when he contacts you as an AVAILABLE man.

 

call him - tell him you need to move forward instead of standing still.

[fooled once]

I'm confused.

 

First he lives with her (it sounds like full-time the way you wrote it) and then in the second part he only stays one weekend each fortnight.

 

So...which is it? Does he live there full-time or does he have his own place and stay only every other weekend with his wife and kids - presumably to keep up appearances with friends and family?

 

Good Q. And you have EVERY right to ask.

 

AFTER Christmas. So maybe January. I notice he neglected to give you a year...maybe he was thinking 2025.

 

What does this mean? You asked questions and he answered. My thoughts are you didn't like the answers and dropped so as to not soil a good weekend together.

 

Glad to see you brain is still alive and well.

Because that is VERY telling about his mindset.

 

I bet he did.

 

He is subtly (or not so I think) prepping you for the break-up speech. I bet he has a sudden flash of morality and tries an honest go at his M. Or maybe stay for the kids. Oh, he could use the I would lose to much respect line.

 

Sorry...but just based on this post...he is closer to leaving...but leaving you, not his W.

Exactly...you two can each try and dress it up but the fact remains - he is married. (And he is prepping you for an end to this no longer fun A (you are asking Q's of him)).

 

Why would you lie to your sister?

 

More lies - this time now its YOU couching the end of the R with him.

 

OK...so tell her the TRUTH. He's married, has kids and either lives at home full-time or only every other weekend but no one can know they live apart because it will be bad for...everyone (kids, him, wife, family, etc).

 

Look, if the M is as dead as he says it shouldn't be a problem to ring up the W and ask HER. IF the M is dead she WILL understand. I mean, who WOULDN'T understand. HE found this great woman and his story just sounds fishy so you are calling to make sure its the truth. She'll gladly verify it.

 

Right?

 

Because you don't to. If you did, you wouldn't be lying to yourself, your sister and everyone else you know.

 

You will continue to struggle. It won't get better. The ONLY way to kill it is NC...total, immediate and irrevocable NC. Trust me.

 

You won;t of course. And every time you break it...back into this misery. Life is hard enough as it is...why don't you find someone you DON'T have to lie about...

 

Yup...cold turkey.

Go ahead and call him and tell him you want more but he simply cannot provide it. Tell him the ticket to you is a signed and final D from the wife so YOU can be his next WIFE (try so honesty for once here ok). Then block his phone and email and IM and everything else.

 

Trust me, if he loves you he WILL find a way.

 

So magical you cant be honest about it to anyone?

Why lie to YOUR friends and family?

 

You don't have it dear. His W does.

 

And your BEST next step is honesty with your sister. Enlist not faceless internet posters but your family and friends to help break this unhealthy situation. Forget typing it in here, cry it on their shoulders.

 

I truly don;t mean to attack you. But you have got to examine:

 

1) the inconsistency in his living arrangements

2) the pervasive lies

3) the addiction to him

 

Go NC, take a break from dating and enjoy the single life. Hell, after the D I TRULY wanted it still took me a year to recover to the point of dating and moving forward.

 

You'll make it I promise. But you gotta take the first step or NOTHING changes.

 

I agree.

 

And lo-contact is delaying the inevitable and keeping you believing in a future. It is only hurting YOU