Kendrick Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 IMO I wouldn't pretend anything. Just accept the fact YOU look at it sometimes, and so does HE. Get you some books that deals with jealousy, and maybe that will help you on that part. If it gets to the point to where you simply can NOT accept things, then you will have to eventually choose another path. Because if the porn doesn't ruin your relationship, your jealousy or something else might.
ConstantCraving Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Porn was first brought into my relationship by my boyfriend. He came home when I was about 6 months pregnant and pulled out a handful of dvds. Look, he says, what a bargain 7 for $50! I winced when I read that. I have nothing against porn in principle. But seriously, what part of his brain is missing? At the very least he needs to be more DISCRETE.
Floridaman Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Emma, you may not need me to tell you this, but I'd recomend you personally stop viewing porn. You looking at porn by yourself or as a couple may only embolden him and help justify his behavior. I think we both agree him stopping his destructive behavior would be good for both of you. Porn isn't good in any form, IMHO. You could show how you're the mature one and take that action. I think I would respect my wife more if she were into a little porn and if she took that kind of step. Say she was a smoker and I was always asking her to stop, yet what would that say to her if I kept smoking, even if only occaisionally !! Actions speak louder than words, you know. I know, I've admitted viewing straight porn and videos (nothing weird). However, thanks to encouragement from other women on this thread, I have kicked the habit and haven't looked at porn for over a month! There should be many resources online for kicking this habit. Ok, where to start... I also showed him my post on here and his response was that I left alot of stuff out...which is kinda true, but I didnt think it was relevent. Here are some points he thought I should have mentioned: I watch porn too. I watch porn while he is at work, occasionally when he naps etc But he has said to me several times "I dont care if you look at porn," "You can go look at porn,' etc etc If he ever said to me, I dont like you looking at porn, it hurts my feelings I would totally stop! I only do it cause he doesn't mind... So why can I look at porn & he can't?
Floridaman Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 You know how I felt I was getting addicted to porn videos? I MB'd and did porn almost three times one day! And on a work night! It was late and I noticed my arms shaking like a chihuahua!Like I was some kind of alcoholic or something. I took that as a warning sign. Just chiming in to say the shaking wasn't necessarily due to the heavy porn use, though I clearly felt guilty about it and knew it was wrong. I was up late the other night surfin' the web and noticed my hands shaking a little as well. This was after 1 a.m. Still not using porn, thanks again to the lovely ladies on this site. It's been since Oct. I still MB, but dont' use porn. Not planning to go back to porn either.
phillyfan Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I have written half a novel here venting my feelings..(sorry in advance for spelling mishaps) Please help I need some helpful opinions... I have been with my partner for a year, known him for 4, and we have a 4 month old son together. Porn was first brought into my relationship by my boyfriend. He came home when I was about 6 months pregnant and pulled out a handful of dvds. Look, he says, what a bargain 7 for $50! I am silent. I don't really know how I feel. But later that night when he tries to get us to watch them, I realize I don't like it. I tell him this, I tell him I don't want him staring at some other girl while he has sex with me. After all our sex life was fine, I may have been getting larger as I was pregnant, but it was good. Sex every day, and oral for both of us. So the dvds go in the bin, and all is well again. Around 2 months later I am in crazy cleaning pregnant mode and decide to clean on top of the very top kitchen cuboards. I find a brown paper bag with about 8 porn dvds in it. My heart stops. I feel like I have been stabbed. I have this overwelming feeling of betrayal. I don't know how to confront him about it, so I don't. But I take all the dvds out of the cases and leave the cases where they were. So he will know I know. I start to wonder when he was looking at these. We leave for work together and I get home an hour before him. We have weekends off together. He is pretty much never home alone. Then I realise. He would drop me off at work, come home, jerk to his porn, then go to work. The fact he goes to this much effort angers me even more. A week goes by and he doesnt mention anything. He brings up the topic of us getting the internet connected. I say, you just want to look at porn. We have a mini convo about it then he goes silent. He then says, you found the other stuff, and smiles smugly. What stuff I say.. And that was the end of the discussion. Next he decides to buy a new phone, although there is nothing wrong with his old one, except it was a bit out dated. On the box of his new phone it says: High speed connectivity to internet. Then I realise. I look in the history and sure enough PORN. This time I confront him in a rage. Sure I was 9 months pregnant, but I was very very willing to have sex. Why did he need porn. By the way, the viewing of this porn happened at night, after I was asleep. After we had sex. When I thought he was sleeping. His response to my confrontation is...oh I didn't know it bothered you so much. You weren't around, so, you know...and I wont do it anymore... I watch him like a hawk now, always knowing where his phone is as I go to sleep.. Weeks pass and I am now in hospital, an hour after giving birth. My partner says, Im going home to shower be back soon...(we had just been there for 21hrs) So he leaves at 1:30, an hour after our son was born. I stayed in hospital for a week, and he stayed with me 2 of the 7 nights. There was a whole bed just for him. I wondered why he would want to drive 45mins home instead of staying.. Then I get home. On my laptop it says there is a new program installed. I ask him what it is and he says nothing before admitting he got the internet. Once again I get the heart stop betrayed feeling. The next day I find the receipt for the internet USB...it was the day my son was born, and only 30 mins after he left the hospital that day. I am hurt once again... A few minor porn/masturbation issues have cropped up since then(I could write forever) but my parntner has always maintained: I dont have any porn hidden anywhere, I promise, your all the porn I need. But the most recent one happened today I was saving a pic of a website and I saw in recent items: bateman.and.the.knight I thought to myself bateman? I remembered how he said his brother hid porn under movie titles his girlfriend would never watch. I rush to get his hard drive and look up bateman sure enough there's porn. I feel SO hurt, like I am being stabbed in the heart. I burst into tears and call him, yell and hang up before I hear his response. I throw his hard drive as hard as I can into the wall, smashing it. I pack me and my son up and go to my parents. So thats everything up until now. I feel so depressed, I love him I really do despite it all. I am mad at myself for loving him. I want to hate him I want to forget him. I am sooooo angry. why why why why did he do this I remember back to all the times when we refused to go places with me..I would say to him your going to look at porn, he would swear he wouldn't, he would say take the internet with you So I would, and I would come home happy thinking he hadn't done it... When all along I was being played for a fool... Someone please help..what do I do? I made an appoitment with a sex therapist tomorrow, I want to tell her all of this and see if I am being irrational... Whats your opinion?? Girl, porn is not the issue. Porn is cool, dudes jerk off to it because theyre bored, horny, whatever, dont mean nothin about the way we feel about the great girl we love, he dont compare u and them, he forgets the porn as soon as hes finishd with it. No big deal. BUT this guy is a major douche, I mean his kid arrives and he runs home to jerk off? I mean WTF. What a loser. No respect. I am not suprised u r so pissed. If he had just done a bit of porn watchin, n lied about it so u didnt get upset, Id say no drama, guys like porn, period, but its all the otha crap he is doin - cant believe he did that to u when u were havin his baby. Bein a father for the first time, that is magic, the dude chooses to run home to jerk off instead? Freak.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Well even thought my husband was the one that left me, he did have a porn problem. Every Saturday, which was his day off from work, he would look at porn and masturbate to it. He would also do the same thing on Mondays and Tuesdays at times. I tried to be understanding about it, but it started affecting our intimacy. I would have to beg him for... anything. I thought it was very strange that I would ask him Friday if he would not jack on off Saturday so I could give him a BJ and he STILL would jack off, then complain that it hurts if he gets it up again. I asked him several times to cut out the porn when it was affecting our sex life but he just wouldn't do it. I wasn't telling him cut it out 100% but he wouldn't listen to me at all. Its another one of those blessings-in-disguise that I didn't realize until he left me. Whoever he gets with next better enjoy playing second fiddle to his dirty pictures.
Floridaman Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 (edited) Well even thought my husband was the one that left me, he did have a porn problem. Every Saturday, which was his day off from work, he would look at porn and masturbate to it. He would also do the same thing on Mondays and Tuesdays at times. I tried to be understanding about it, but it started affecting our intimacy. I would have to beg him for... anything. I thought it was very strange that I would ask him Friday if he would not jack on off Saturday so I could give him a BJ and he STILL would jack off, then complain that it hurts if he gets it up again. I asked him several times to cut out the porn when it was affecting our sex life but he just wouldn't do it. I wasn't telling him cut it out 100% but he wouldn't listen to me at all. Its another one of those blessings-in-disguise that I didn't realize until he left me. Whoever he gets with next better enjoy playing second fiddle to his dirty pictures. This is just crazy! Why would a man in his right mind go after imaginary lovers when he had a real, living, breathing, devoted and loving woman right next to him available when he wanted? That just blows my mind. I admited I used to use porn, but rationalized it as a substitute for the intimacy my wife didn't give (she withheld for years, and it killed me). Still my conscious wasn't right about viewing the sex acts. I think it did keep me from pursuing my wife's sexual affections as much as I should of. So she turned me down. Should I have just said, "okay..." and gone to the computer like I did? I didn't do that when women turned me down for dates! I tried to pursue them. Using porn still wasn't good and I would have been embarassed if she found out. Edited January 15, 2011 by Floridaman
Duckduckgoose Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 This is just crazy! Why would a man in his right mind go after imaginary lovers when he had a real, living, breathing, devoted and loving woman right next to him available when he wanted? Well he left a good, caring wife and stable environment. He would rather live in a basement with nothing. He might not be in his right mind.
Floridaman Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Well he left a good, caring wife and stable environment. He would rather live in a basement with nothing. He might not be in his right mind. You deserved much better...
Duckduckgoose Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 And after this divorce is final, I finish counselling, and heal up I plan to find much better
Floridaman Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I agree with the bolded part. After reading dreamingoftigers post,I've changed my mind on this issue. I always read or heard that a woman would be offended if she discovered her man was viewing porn, but I hadn't really thought it out that much. I didn't see any harm earlier as watching those vids certainly wasn't going to interfere with me "getting" any at home as that isn't available anymore. (Though I'm trying and have a "plan" for this weekend.... but watch me get shot down again) But as I stated, I frequently saw myself lusting towards the woman in the videos and wanting to be in that position with her. I don't like that aspect and had to admit that after reading dreamingoftigers post I originally planned to go after her about that point but after thinking it over, I realize she was RIGHT. Like Emma, the OP in this thread, dreamingoftigers was hurt by her H's porn use and had a right to be offended. He apparently spends more time with porn than satisfying her needs. That's not in any way my situation and I assure you I have never let porn interfere in that area... I certainly don't want to cause any hurt in this relationship. I've never been an alcoholic, a drug user or promiscuous nor cheated or committed adultery ( okay, I admit I've thought about an affair) or any of the "vices" that others have battled (not bragging here) but I can see how something like this can take a hold of someone. I want to stop, though it's hard. dreamingoftigers has some good points here and should be listened to. Good news! I didn't get "shot down" as I feared in that post I made ahead of an Oct. visit by my wife. I may have detailed this in the other thread, that mamoth thread where I've described my marital sexual problems... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253953/ We stayed at a beach resort that weekend and I got some satisfaction. However, this was the same type of LM we have done for years before I recently learned through reading books on Christian marital sex that the woman's pleasure should come first, primarily through long foreplay. So I'm changing and doing a lot of things differently than I had in the past. I was successful some other nights as well over Thanksgiving and Christmas. She has never had an orgasm- not with me nor anyone else (only one other partner before me). So I'm going to try to give her one.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hmm... I know that stimulating the clit area does it for a lot of women that have trouble reaching orgasm. Oral sex can probably familiarize you with that area and what works/doesn't work on her very intimately.
Floridaman Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) Edited out. Reading Duck's other posts, she's in a much more pressing issue/crisis that I overlooked. Will post this later. Don't want to be disrespectful to her situation. (Might quote Duck Duck's inquiry and post the reponse I made here in the thread I referred to about my difficulty getting my wife to let me ML with her. She wittholds. Might be better in that threat anyway). This post was about her prev. posting and OS. We don't need to discuss that now. It can wait. My heart feels for you Duck Duck. It must be horrible to go through what you're going through. Edited January 17, 2011 by Floridaman
Floridaman Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Ok, I see you're posting now about BJs and other things, Duck, so this shouldn't be insensitive in light of your divorce situation. --- Hmm... I know that stimulating the clit area does it for a lot of women that have trouble reaching orgasm. Oral sex can probably familiarize you with that area and what works/doesn't work on her very intimately. That'd good advice, Duck. I will try that more. I'd prefer to send this to you in a PM.. but I see you don't have PM privileges yet... I used my fingers on her for a good long time around Thanksgiving. I did that for a couple of reasons: to give her needed longer pleasure. Also, to keep me from going too soon. I used to "test the waters" with my fingers but only briefly, to gauge if she was "ready" for me to enter. I now understand that was selfish. I actually didn't want to enter her then, and wanted to please her down there. (I learned this in some of the Christian marital sex books. Will include the titles and Amazon links later if anyone's interested). She said she enjoyed it. But she said that caused bleeding like four days later. I don't think the fingering was related to the bleeding. Whatever, though, as I care more about her comfort than my satisfaction. Would love to give her oral. However, she's repulsed by it. When preparing to mount her, I often run my tongue up her legs and across her tummy to her lips. I've tried to run my tongue up against her vagina and to slightly touch it, but when I get close, she figures out what I'm up to and says, "No... Fla. man..." How I want to give her that pleasure. I used to give (not so much receive) OS to two women in my late 20s in "everything...but" sex play (yes, I wanted to go all the way in but respected them as one was a virgin trying to keep her virginity. I've talked with my wife about this - but not then and there ahead of the act bec. I don't want her to shut down and say, "This is over for now..." before I get a chance to express my love sexually inside her. Nothing more frustrating than being ready and then she calls it off (yes, that's happened after something I foolishless said or her mood changes or I accidently bump her or kiss her breast too hard or something). She's pretty adamant against OS. I told her, "Look, I know you're uncomfortable. And I don't need you to give me OS, but I would love to give you pleasure..." She still resists. I say, "Okay for now, but I love you and your body and I want to make you happy. I want to talk more about this in the future..." One of the books, Sheet Music, goes into this. I'm going to have her read this book. Then I want to talk with her about this on the couch in a non-sexual setting. To keep this in the current topic, I'm still free from pornography. I'm not viewing it anymore and don't plan to. Was almost tempted again tonight, just thought of looking at some softcore or nude images, nothing hardcore. But decided against it, thankfully. Thanks, You Go Girl and Dreaming of Tigers.
Titania22 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Wow I did it, I read the epic 11 page thread and survived. Good on you Florida Man, kicking the porn. As for my personal experiences with porn. Once when i was around 30, I spent 1 week watching internet porn out of curiousity. I discovered, it made me hyperstimulated, and I was masturbating constantly, but couldn't be satisfied. Which was insanely weird, because I have a very low sex drive. After a week, I stopped and never went back. I couldn't understand why people would voluntarily engage in an activity, that could lead to endless horniness and an inability to feel completely satisfied after an orgasm, or 10. As for whether viewing porn is as bad as kissing and cuddling. My brain is my biggest sex organ, and the right thought (or mental stimulus) can make me 100 times more horny than any kiss or cuddle. I actually believe that thinking about kissing my dream man, would be more stimulating than actually kissing my dream man. Reality for me can't compete with fantasy. 1
spackle Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) despite him being insensitive how he brought this up, how about you being sensitive to his needs? Really, I've only known one guy who was against watching porn and jerking off, the rest of them are chatting away about their favourite porn star or scene. It doesn't bother me because it's fantasy. If they prefer to jerk off than have sex with you then that's another story. I'm sorry but you sound in your post very controlling, that you only want him thinking of you all the time. wow Can I ask if porn was an issue before you were pregnant? Edited January 30, 2011 by spackle missed word
snappyone Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Emma, this exact issue caused the break-up of my most valued and promising relationship to date. If I could do it all over again, here's what I'd do: My gf used to have similar problems with my 'collection.' I tried valiantly to explain the innocuousness of the pastime to her but alas, we were young and naive and never did solve the problem. As mentioned we aren't together anymore, which is a shame because I truly do think she was and still is 'the one,' but I digress. My point here is that while you may disagree with his pastime due to him causing feelings of inferiority, anguish (amongst others) and as a consequence pain, you must understand he is genetically wired to attempt procreation with as many women as possible to ensure the survival of the human race. This phenomena can never truly be understood by anyone but a man, (similarly we will never truly understand many aspects of the female psyche) but rest assured, it's unavoidable. If everything within your man's genetic make-up and physiology is working correctly and in accordance with the design we were given when we came into existence on this planet, he will have these urges. Recall this very design brought you and I into this world. Simply stated, he is using technology to stay faithful to you in the real world. The fleshy alternative is unlikely an outcome you'd prefer, I'm assuming. Not a threat of course, merely mention of the disaster you will avoid should you even somewhat heed my advice. (I can relate, because in the arms of another is where I was very tempted to share my problems) Back in real life, by all means, there should be rules and regulations in play as pertains to watching, i.e. organised times, maybe your porn preferences could be accomodated in some fashion together as a couple, perhaps you could turn the whole situation around and watch your pron on your day and have him pleasure you while you watch. I don't know your relationship dynamics, these are just ideas to bounce around and hopefully work around the problem, rather than crashing through it like I attempted to do with my partner. Regardless of your situation now, if he's anything like 99% of the men I know, he will try to watch porn whenever the opportunity arises. I would HIGHLY recommend you talk it through, take a sympathetic tone rather than accusatory, (despite your conflicting emotions) and come to an agreement that works for both of you. He loves you, it's apparent in the effort he's extending to accommodate your feelings. Though if nothing else, if this is all your remember from my post, take this one thing away and trust me on this, now that you're starting a family you and he need to implement compromise. It's integral. I endured the sad collapse of my greatest relationship with another person because we couldn't come to an agreement, and now I feel nothing but regret over something so mundane and trivial as porn and the genetic propulsion to experience it. Think about this, if he could magically lose his need to procreate, would he still watch porn and subsequently hurt you? No, right? Then I'd suggest the desire simply must be something out of his control and he's struggling with it. It sounds twisted backwards and quasi effeminate coming from a guy, but he needs help and support from you to understand your shared situation. On a side note, my slightly older and more mature gf and I now watch porn habitually, among other things I never thought I'd do or be interested in. I've arrived at a place in life from whence I realise communication is key, regardless of the intensity of feelings and the desire to act on them at any given moment. I've never been this comfortable discussing matters, and I promise you, you want to be where I am now on a 'relationship honesty and comfort' scale.' It's fantastic and meets every whim we desire...and all it took was a chat.
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