Porn

[Floridaman]

You know how I felt I was getting addicted to porn videos?

I MB'd and did porn almost three times one day! And on a work night!

 

It was late and I noticed my arms shaking like a chihuahua!

Like I was some kind of alcoholic or something. I took that as a warning sign.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well said, fellow Canuck. When I saw that people believe that watching porn is akin to kissing another woman, I just shook my head. Sometimes strong emotions can lead to people clinging to laughably retarded ideas.

 

I disagree with some of the things you have posted, but really I do not address you in a disrespectful manner like this.

 

And yes, having a sexual release by being stimulated to someone else would fall under the category of cheating to me. It baffles me that that would even be a stretch.

 

I sincerely hope your mate never uses another sexual medium to replace you.

[starryeyed12]

Well said, fellow Canuck. When I saw that people believe that watching porn is akin to kissing another woman, I just shook my head. Sometimes strong emotions can lead to people clinging to laughably retarded ideas.

 

 

I personally don't think there is anything quite comparable to frequent porn using. It's a beast of it's own, especially when you recognize that people have very different relationships with it.

 

You have to look at it case by case. One person could use certain porn in a relatively healthy way, i.e. helps with orgasm issues, or they use it to spark sex drive with their partner. Still others seem to have an extremely selfish and damaging relationship with porn. Porn is something that can start off one way, and quickly spiral into something else...something more akin to addiction. It can be damaging to relationships that do not share the same habit. In these kinds of relationships it can feel like betrayal, and it certainly blurrs the line.

 

Either way, porn permanently leaves its mark on you and your sex life, for better or worse.

[Kendrick]

"Sometimes strong emotions can lead to people clinging to

laughably retarded ideas."

 

 

Yes, it can, even for those who love porn.

[You Go Girl]

 

I now realize I could have put more effort in trying to get her interested in sex again. I so easily gave up after being shot down time after time.

 

If she found out I was using porn, I'd likely be embarrassed and can see why she would feel slighted.

 

I haven't deleted the images from my hard drive yet. That's the next step.

 

How much more fragile the human condition and love and sexuality is than we often realize...

 

What are you waiting for to know it's time to remove the images?

[waynebrady]

I disagree with some of the things you have posted, but really I do not address you in a disrespectful manner like this.

 

And yes, having a sexual release by being stimulated to someone else would fall under the category of cheating to me. It baffles me that that would even be a stretch.

 

I sincerely hope your mate never uses another sexual medium to replace you.

 

I think men who watch porn instead of being with their woman is doing the woman a favor becuase then the woman doesn't need to have sex with him So it's not a matter of replacing. I don't get why women get so mad when their husbands or boyfriends watch porn, would you rather have sex with him? Offcourse you wouldn't, so he is actually doing you a favor.

[waynebrady]

Women seem to want to oppress male sexuality. You don't want to have sex with your man and you don't want him to take care of himself... Women need to understand that men have sexual needs, just because you don't have them doesn't mean us men haven't.

[You Go Girl]

Women seem to want to oppress male sexuality. You don't want to have sex with your man and you don't want him to take care of himself... Women need to understand that men have sexual needs, just because you don't have them doesn't mean us men haven't.

 

Wayne, I have read enough of your posts to understand that you believe all women don't want sex.

You are incredibly mistaken. Please correct this sweeping generalization of the female gender as it can only hurt your chances at successful relationships.

 

My feelings are that I don't like porn. That's personal to me. I understand and can respect that others feel differently.

I believe I am more sensitive to the imagined infidelity than most people are.

I also know that things such as this become a habit because of the number of senses that are involved. With porn, there is a concrete visual, with video it is a moving visual, there is sight and sound, and there is physical strong sensation with masturbation, and the oh so potent seratonin and other brain pleasurable chemicals. The more senses involved, the more real the experience. Hence why I would prefer that my man use imagination in the shower, but not a concrete visual of another woman. Hence why I would prefer that my man be completely present with me during sex, and not closing his eyes and using my body while imagining another.

There is a machine being developed (or already is) that is a masturbation/pornography tool. It wraps around the male member and is programmed to mimic exactly the movements on the screen. The man's hand is no longer necessary.

Am I Idealistic...yes. Realistic...in some relationships yes, in others, no. I suppose a meeting of the minds, some kind of discussion and understanding is necessary if it becomes an issue.

Edited November 6, 2010 by You Go Girl

[starryeyed12]

Women seem to want to oppress male sexuality. You don't want to have sex with your man and you don't want him to take care of himself... Women need to understand that men have sexual needs, just because you don't have them doesn't mean us men haven't.

 

Wayne, you seem to be blinded by cynicism and hate toward women. I am living, breathing proof that some woman want and need sex from their partner on a very regular basis.

 

There is something much deeper going wrong with your relationship if the sex stops cold. The "issue" is what you need to diagnosis, the 0 sex is a symptom. Your priority should be getting to the bottom if it no matter what it takes (if you are M). As the issue is being diagnosed, a new issue can begin when men turn to the porn for relief. It works as a release for a while, but it can quickly spiral into something damaging and addicting. You get consumed by bitterness and frustration toward your partner for their refusal, and that ultimately feeds into more porn viewing. Then all of sudden you have a new problem added on to whatever issue you faced before. You have begun to replace your partner with another sexual medium.

 

Your bitterness can become like rocks that block a stream from flowing fluidly. Try to remove them and open up your mind a bit.

[Floridaman]

Originally Posted by Floridaman

 

I now realize I could have put more effort in trying to get her interested in sex again. I so easily gave up after being shot down time after time.

 

If she found out I was using porn, I'd likely be embarrassed and can see why she would feel slighted.

 

I haven't deleted the images from my hard drive yet. That's the next step.

How much more fragile the human condition and love and sexuality is than we often realize...

 

What are you waiting for to know it's time to remove the images?

You got me. I need to delete them. Don't know why I haven't.

I think I posted that sentence to have someone take me to task on this.

I'm not watching porn anymore... I think it's been three weeks...

Edited November 11, 2010 by Floridaman

[morea7]

EmmaLee,

 

All these are just my views and if you disagree you are welcome to disregard them.

From what you have written, it seems to me that questioning, antagonism, anger may not be of good help in solving the problem.

It is quite likely that in his heart he does not do the porn stuff to hurt you. Because it is quite likely (from what you describe) that he is addicted to porn. Yes there is an addiction like porn too. Sometimes called sexual addiction.

In such circumstances, probably you need to work together on this (unless you guys have already taken any action in this regard - as I see that this thread is a bit old now). If he keeps being addicted to it, sooner or later it might start to affect other spheres of his life like work etc. You need to ask him non-judjementally whether he is happy about the situation, whether he likes to sneak out for porn and what can you do together to control this situation. It is like in any addiction, a person needs support of loved ones.

And it could be one step at a time.

 

On the contrary, if you both develop antagonism about it, it may be harmful to his addiction recovery (guilt feeling which is not good).

 

A possible idea might also be to have scope for bit of porn. Limited amount is harmless (in my view) and it could make a situation where he won't have to sneak out on you. Yes you are right that while you are there why should he be looking at porn.

 

On another note: you say you are about 19 and have a young baby. You have a long life ahead and many more enriching experiences ahead of you. I recommend to not take any impulsive decisions (this is from experience).

 

As I said, if you disagree with the above and think that it does not apply to your case, just disregard it.

 

All the Best

\\

I have written half a novel here venting my feelings..(sorry in advance for spelling mishaps)

Please help I need some helpful opinions...

 

I have been with my partner for a year, known him for 4, and we have a 4 month old son together.

 

Porn was first brought into my relationship by my boyfriend. He came home when I was about 6 months pregnant and pulled out a handful of dvds.

Look, he says, what a bargain 7 for $50!

 

I am silent. I don't really know how I feel. But later that night when he tries to get us to watch them, I realize I don't like it.

I tell him this, I tell him I don't want him staring at some other girl while he has sex with me.

After all our sex life was fine, I may have been getting larger as I was pregnant, but it was good. Sex every day, and oral for both of us.

 

So the dvds go in the bin, and all is well again.

 

Around 2 months later I am in crazy cleaning pregnant mode and decide to clean on top of the very top kitchen cuboards.

I find a brown paper bag with about 8 porn dvds in it.

My heart stops. I feel like I have been stabbed. I have this overwelming feeling of betrayal.

I don't know how to confront him about it, so I don't. But I take all the dvds out of the cases and leave the cases where they were. So he will know I know.

 

I start to wonder when he was looking at these. We leave for work together and I get home an hour before him. We have weekends off together. He is pretty much never home alone.

Then I realise.

He would drop me off at work, come home, jerk to his porn, then go to work.

The fact he goes to this much effort angers me even more.

 

A week goes by and he doesnt mention anything. He brings up the topic of us getting the internet connected.

I say, you just want to look at porn.

We have a mini convo about it then he goes silent.

He then says, you found the other stuff, and smiles smugly.

What stuff I say..

And that was the end of the discussion.

 

Next he decides to buy a new phone, although there is nothing wrong with his old one, except it was a bit out dated.

On the box of his new phone it says: High speed connectivity to internet.

 

Then I realise. I look in the history and sure enough PORN.

This time I confront him in a rage. Sure I was 9 months pregnant, but I was very very willing to have sex. Why did he need porn.

By the way, the viewing of this porn happened at night, after I was asleep. After we had sex. When I thought he was sleeping.

 

His response to my confrontation is...oh I didn't know it bothered you so much. You weren't around, so, you know...and I wont do it anymore...

 

I watch him like a hawk now, always knowing where his phone is as I go to sleep..

Weeks pass and I am now in hospital, an hour after giving birth.

My partner says, Im going home to shower be back soon...(we had just been there for 21hrs)

So he leaves at 1:30, an hour after our son was born.

I stayed in hospital for a week, and he stayed with me 2 of the 7 nights. There was a whole bed just for him. I wondered why he would want to drive 45mins home instead of staying..

 

Then I get home. On my laptop it says there is a new program installed. I ask him what it is and he says nothing before admitting he got the internet. Once again I get the heart stop betrayed feeling.

 

The next day I find the receipt for the internet USB...it was the day my son was born, and only 30 mins after he left the hospital that day.

I am hurt once again...

 

A few minor porn/masturbation issues have cropped up since then(I could write forever) but my parntner has always maintained: I dont have any porn hidden anywhere, I promise, your all the porn I need.

 

 

But the most recent one happened today

I was saving a pic of a website and I saw in recent items: bateman.and.the.knight

I thought to myself bateman?

I remembered how he said his brother hid porn under movie titles his girlfriend would never watch.

 

I rush to get his hard drive and look up bateman

 

sure enough there's porn.

 

I feel SO hurt, like I am being stabbed in the heart. I burst into tears and call him, yell and hang up before I hear his response.

I throw his hard drive as hard as I can into the wall, smashing it.

 

I pack me and my son up and go to my parents.

 

So thats everything up until now.

 

I feel so depressed, I love him I really do despite it all.

I am mad at myself for loving him.

I want to hate him I want to forget him.

 

I am sooooo angry. why why why why did he do this

I remember back to all the times when we refused to go places with me..I would say to him your going to look at porn, he would swear he wouldn't, he would say take the internet with you

So I would, and I would come home happy thinking he hadn't done it...

When all along I was being played for a fool...

 

Someone please help..what do I do?

I made an appoitment with a sex therapist tomorrow, I want to tell her all of this and see if I am being irrational...

 

Whats your opinion??

[Floridaman]

Originally Posted by Floridaman

I now realize I could have put more effort in trying to get her interested in sex again. I so easily gave up after being shot down time after time.

 

If she found out I was using porn, I'd likely be embarrassed and can see why she would feel slighted.

 

I haven't deleted the images from my hard drive yet. That's the next step.

 

 

How much more fragile the human condition and love and sexuality is than we often realize...

 

What are you waiting for to know it's time to remove the images?

 

They're gone. I removed them and ain't lookin' back.

 

Haven't looked at porn in probably a month.

I was tempeted the other night and almost plugged in that thumb drive... but then I remembered what DreamingofTigers said and decided agsint it.

 

I also noticed physically, I didn't really need porn to MB to.... I was excited enough to MB, so why view porn?

 

YouGoGirl, thanks for the nudge. I needed it.

Edited November 16, 2010 by Floridaman

[burning5eed]

I really like what you had to say dreamingoftigers and KYSearcher. I think you hit the nail on the head. And NoneTheWiser I really think if more men could be like you there wouldn't be a need for so many sites like this. Also FructoseGrande, as a male myself, if I have a need to masturbate while my lover is out of town or whatever. I think this is something I can do without the use of anything more than my hand. Plus, the person I married has sent naked photos of themselves to me, and even let me take some of them, so why couldn't I use those if the need for seeing something nude were so important? Or is there more of a need for him to have fake sex with someone else than just him being horny? Oh, and BlackLovely. I'm a guy, so I think I would understand my needs better than you. Just because you also got one kind of guy does not mean all are like that. Sorry but you are wrong. The world is made up of many different people, thus what sometimes makes it good. But to say this is what ALL men need is stupid. Sorry, just being honest.

 

As a married male I can honestly say that I don't get the porn thing. When I was single I looked at porn, and even enjoyed it. Now that I'm not single and have grown up. I've found no need for it. I get from my lover just what I want most always, and there is always going to be times when it just wasn't as great as it could be. Life goes on. That doesn't mean I'm going to sneak around the first chance I get and have mind sex with some fake skank on my computer. It really just sounds sick and sad of guys who are doing this. I'm sorry, but I would take the sex I'm getting now over the masturbating I done when I was young and single any day of the week.

 

Maybe I'm just on the other side of the fence because I am married to someone who much like others, loves porn. If that be the case, I'm sorry. But I know what the porn means to my husband, and I've also went through a few other things with him that has taken a lot of work on my part to even live with. I know with him it started out as porn, then became people on craigslist sending him pictures, followed by him meeting people in person. I'm not saying that porn is in any way to blame, but I do know it means different things to different people. And in my case I think he enjoys it on a sick level that I could see myself leaving him for if it were to get too heavy again. As someone who has been cheated on by him I know that I'm the one that is having to carry the hardship, not him. He has yet to lose a whole nights sleep because of the things he has done. I don't throw it at him every chance I can. In fact, I try to no longer bring it up just so we can both better move past it in time.

 

I really love how NoneTheWiser put it. If it is something that you know is hurting the person you love, for whatever reason. If it is hurting them for you to do these things, why couldn't you stop? Is porn really that important? I think not. If my husband were to be hurt by my eating of pork. For whatever reasons he may have. Then guess what? I WONT eat pork. That wont make me a Jew or anything. It would show him how much his feelings matter to me though. It may sound stupid to most of the people who can't grow up and put away childish things. But a relationship will always have give and take. If you have a partner that you know their looking at porn isn't out of control, then more power to you for letting him look. That isn't always the case though. And I could give up a lot of things in my life to keep from hurting the person I love more than any other. And porn wouldn't ever be something I would consider too big to give up.

 

This is mostly just the way I see it as a guy. It doesn't make it right, or anything. I just hope it help in a small way. Porn does mean different things to different people, and maybe you and him just need to find out what it means to him. Because from what I see he does seem to have a problem with it. But I've not been living either of your lives so I can't say for sure. I really hope you work everything out for the best. Thank you for sharing what hardships you are going through. I now it feels a lot better to get these things out sometimes.

[starryeyed12]

QUOTE=burning5eed;3102072] I know with him it started out as porn, then became people on craigslist sending him pictures, followed by him meeting people in person. I'm not saying that porn is in any way to blame, but I do know it means different things to different people. And in my case I think he enjoys it on a sick level that I could see myself leaving him for if it were to get too heavy again. As someone who has been cheated on by him I know that I'm the one that is having to carry the hardship, not him. He has yet to lose a whole nights sleep because of the things he has done. I don't throw it at him every chance I can. In fact, I try to no longer bring it up just so we can both better move past it in time.

QUOTE]

 

That's really a selfless deed of you to forgive him for the cheating and heavy porn use. I think those two things can definitely go hand in hand, and I would probably have some major insecurity if it were me. It certainly depends on the situation, but if one partner can so easily lust after another on a consistent basis, it raises a red flag in my mind.

[burning5eed]

Yes, I think as anyone would in a case like this I do have insecurity issues. I had them from other people I've been with, and this didn't help the bit of working I had done to get them up to where they were. I almost at times think I blame myself more for everything that happened than I do him. Maybe I'm not enough to keep anyone happy alone? It's never him I have thoughts of hurting. And I think I'm too in love with him to ever leave, and yet I've not gotten back to a place of trusting him so much that I can be happy. I would almost rather be so sick I couldn't leave the bed than have to go into work on days he is off. Thats when it gets really hard. That is when my faith in him fails to shine. When you have been lied to and cheated on by someone I think thats to be expected. It's really hard not to think they would do things lie that again.

 

One thing that really would help me to move past it more than any other would be him telling me everything that happened that I didn't already know. The fact that I had to bring almost everything that he had done into the open shows me that he isn't willing to be completely honest with me just yet. If he could just tell me it all, which I know he hasn't, then I could better move past this than with anything else he could do for me. No matter how bad it was, him coming to me and telling the truth about everything he has done would show me that he really is willing and wanting us to work. That is most likely the biggest thing that bothers me about my staying with him. That, and the porn/lies. I can't stand someone to lie, especially when it's over stupid things that wouldn't matter. Such as telling a friend a lie about plans you don't have to keep from hanging out with them that night.

 

I honestly don't believe he or anyone else is addicted to porn. I believe people use that as an excuse to justify their lack of desire to give it up. Smoking is different in the way that it has things in it that your body starts to depend on, but in a way it's the same. The reason I can't quit smoking is simply because I love to smoke. It's not my being hooked on them that makes me do it, because were that the case I would have quit all the times I were sick for days and couldn't leave the bed to smoke. Yet, as soon as I got better what did I dig out and light up?

 

I will be honest, the porn really does bother me. The thought of some grown ass adult male (who happens to be in a relationship) sitting in front of a computer or tv screen playing with themselves and jerking off is so silly to me that I almost want to laugh at them for even acting like they are a child, and once again can't get any. I mean really, do some people never grow up? Even if they were with someone who never wanted to have sex I'm not sure I would understand. I'm sure the lack of sex has it's reasons, so spend your hand to penis time trying to work on those issues, and maybe some day down the road when your hand gets tired you wont be alone and with no other option but to sex up yourself. Sex is such an important part of a relationship, that without that feeling of closeness and love from my partner I'm not sure I would stay.

[Floridaman]

edited out

Edited November 20, 2010 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

edited out. issue solved.

 

***My avitar, BTW, is a depiction of something I really like to do. Saw this on a drink coaster and canned it.

Edited November 20, 2010 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

Just checked some thumb drives to make sure I didn't still have any images.... nope. Not there.

The videos I had downloaded made the files like 3 GB!!!

If nothing else, deleting them freed up some space on the external drive.

 

Of course, I can easily find these kind of things online but I pledge - and am praying - that I don't do that.

 

If I start to "want" to look at porn, am going to MB instead.

 

Maybe try thinking of sexy things me and my wife once did - which usually gets me turned on enough so I don't really need to look at porn.

 

Ladies, I promise to not look at or MB to porn again. I may try to work up my nerve and confess this to my wife.... but don't know if I'll get condemned... That could add more emotional distance, which this relationship doesn't need...

May wait on this step though as I don't think she really knows...

Edited November 20, 2010 by Floridaman

[hoping2heal]

I have written half a novel here venting my feelings..(sorry in advance for spelling mishaps)

Please help I need some helpful opinions...

 

I have been with my partner for a year, known him for 4, and we have a 4 month old son together.

 

Porn was first brought into my relationship by my boyfriend. He came home when I was about 6 months pregnant and pulled out a handful of dvds.

Look, he says, what a bargain 7 for $50!

 

I am silent. I don't really know how I feel. But later that night when he tries to get us to watch them, I realize I don't like it.

I tell him this, I tell him I don't want him staring at some other girl while he has sex with me.

After all our sex life was fine, I may have been getting larger as I was pregnant, but it was good. Sex every day, and oral for both of us.

 

So the dvds go in the bin, and all is well again.

 

Around 2 months later I am in crazy cleaning pregnant mode and decide to clean on top of the very top kitchen cuboards.

I find a brown paper bag with about 8 porn dvds in it.

My heart stops. I feel like I have been stabbed. I have this overwelming feeling of betrayal.

I don't know how to confront him about it, so I don't. But I take all the dvds out of the cases and leave the cases where they were. So he will know I know.

 

I start to wonder when he was looking at these. We leave for work together and I get home an hour before him. We have weekends off together. He is pretty much never home alone.

Then I realise.

He would drop me off at work, come home, jerk to his porn, then go to work.

The fact he goes to this much effort angers me even more.

 

A week goes by and he doesnt mention anything. He brings up the topic of us getting the internet connected.

I say, you just want to look at porn.

We have a mini convo about it then he goes silent.

He then says, you found the other stuff, and smiles smugly.

What stuff I say..

And that was the end of the discussion.

 

Next he decides to buy a new phone, although there is nothing wrong with his old one, except it was a bit out dated.

On the box of his new phone it says: High speed connectivity to internet.

 

Then I realise. I look in the history and sure enough PORN.

This time I confront him in a rage. Sure I was 9 months pregnant, but I was very very willing to have sex. Why did he need porn.

By the way, the viewing of this porn happened at night, after I was asleep. After we had sex. When I thought he was sleeping.

 

His response to my confrontation is...oh I didn't know it bothered you so much. You weren't around, so, you know...and I wont do it anymore...

 

I watch him like a hawk now, always knowing where his phone is as I go to sleep..

Weeks pass and I am now in hospital, an hour after giving birth.

My partner says, Im going home to shower be back soon...(we had just been there for 21hrs)

So he leaves at 1:30, an hour after our son was born.

I stayed in hospital for a week, and he stayed with me 2 of the 7 nights. There was a whole bed just for him. I wondered why he would want to drive 45mins home instead of staying..

 

Then I get home. On my laptop it says there is a new program installed. I ask him what it is and he says nothing before admitting he got the internet. Once again I get the heart stop betrayed feeling.

 

The next day I find the receipt for the internet USB...it was the day my son was born, and only 30 mins after he left the hospital that day.

I am hurt once again...

 

A few minor porn/masturbation issues have cropped up since then(I could write forever) but my parntner has always maintained: I dont have any porn hidden anywhere, I promise, your all the porn I need.

 

 

But the most recent one happened today

I was saving a pic of a website and I saw in recent items: bateman.and.the.knight

I thought to myself bateman?

I remembered how he said his brother hid porn under movie titles his girlfriend would never watch.

 

I rush to get his hard drive and look up bateman

 

sure enough there's porn.

 

I feel SO hurt, like I am being stabbed in the heart. I burst into tears and call him, yell and hang up before I hear his response.

I throw his hard drive as hard as I can into the wall, smashing it.

 

I pack me and my son up and go to my parents.

 

So thats everything up until now.

 

I feel so depressed, I love him I really do despite it all.

I am mad at myself for loving him.

I want to hate him I want to forget him.

 

I am sooooo angry. why why why why did he do this

I remember back to all the times when we refused to go places with me..I would say to him your going to look at porn, he would swear he wouldn't, he would say take the internet with you

So I would, and I would come home happy thinking he hadn't done it...

When all along I was being played for a fool...

 

Someone please help..what do I do?

I made an appoitment with a sex therapist tomorrow, I want to tell her all of this and see if I am being irrational...

 

Whats your opinion??

 

Purchasing something 30 minutes after your son was born to watch porn is pretty extreme. I am thinking possibly he has or is forming an addiction. I am not sure why he EVER bothered to say "You're all the porn I need" Clearly, that is not true and the moment those words left his lips I would of been raging angry. I mean that's one bold lie to tell amidst the obvious.

 

Obviously, he loves you too and although it is not right to lie to you and only damages trust and the relationship as a whole, he is trying to cover his tracks so he will not lose you. Again, this is a poor and stupid mindset to have. Lying often damages the relationship beyond repair, not necesarily the actions you are lying about.

 

How has he reacted to you leaving?

[Brandi 2]

I have written half a novel here venting my feelings..(sorry in advance for spelling mishaps)

Please help I need some helpful opinions...

 

I have been with my partner for a year, known him for 4, and we have a 4 month old son together.

 

Porn was first brought into my relationship by my boyfriend. He came home when I was about 6 months pregnant and pulled out a handful of dvds.

Look, he says, what a bargain 7 for $50!

 

I am silent. I don't really know how I feel. But later that night when he tries to get us to watch them, I realize I don't like it.

I tell him this, I tell him I don't want him staring at some other girl while he has sex with me.

After all our sex life was fine, I may have been getting larger as I was pregnant, but it was good. Sex every day, and oral for both of us.

 

So the dvds go in the bin, and all is well again.

 

Around 2 months later I am in crazy cleaning pregnant mode and decide to clean on top of the very top kitchen cuboards.

I find a brown paper bag with about 8 porn dvds in it.

My heart stops. I feel like I have been stabbed. I have this overwelming feeling of betrayal.

I don't know how to confront him about it, so I don't. But I take all the dvds out of the cases and leave the cases where they were. So he will know I know.

 

I start to wonder when he was looking at these. We leave for work together and I get home an hour before him. We have weekends off together. He is pretty much never home alone.

Then I realise.

He would drop me off at work, come home, jerk to his porn, then go to work.

The fact he goes to this much effort angers me even more.

 

A week goes by and he doesnt mention anything. He brings up the topic of us getting the internet connected.

I say, you just want to look at porn.

We have a mini convo about it then he goes silent.

He then says, you found the other stuff, and smiles smugly.

What stuff I say..

And that was the end of the discussion.

 

Next he decides to buy a new phone, although there is nothing wrong with his old one, except it was a bit out dated.

On the box of his new phone it says: High speed connectivity to internet.

 

Then I realise. I look in the history and sure enough PORN.

This time I confront him in a rage. Sure I was 9 months pregnant, but I was very very willing to have sex. Why did he need porn.

By the way, the viewing of this porn happened at night, after I was asleep. After we had sex. When I thought he was sleeping.

 

His response to my confrontation is...oh I didn't know it bothered you so much. You weren't around, so, you know...and I wont do it anymore...

 

I watch him like a hawk now, always knowing where his phone is as I go to sleep..

Weeks pass and I am now in hospital, an hour after giving birth.

My partner says, Im going home to shower be back soon...(we had just been there for 21hrs)

So he leaves at 1:30, an hour after our son was born.

I stayed in hospital for a week, and he stayed with me 2 of the 7 nights. There was a whole bed just for him. I wondered why he would want to drive 45mins home instead of staying..

 

Then I get home. On my laptop it says there is a new program installed. I ask him what it is and he says nothing before admitting he got the internet. Once again I get the heart stop betrayed feeling.

 

The next day I find the receipt for the internet USB...it was the day my son was born, and only 30 mins after he left the hospital that day.

I am hurt once again...

 

A few minor porn/masturbation issues have cropped up since then(I could write forever) but my parntner has always maintained: I dont have any porn hidden anywhere, I promise, your all the porn I need.

 

 

But the most recent one happened today

I was saving a pic of a website and I saw in recent items: bateman.and.the.knight

I thought to myself bateman?

I remembered how he said his brother hid porn under movie titles his girlfriend would never watch.

 

I rush to get his hard drive and look up bateman

 

sure enough there's porn.

 

I feel SO hurt, like I am being stabbed in the heart. I burst into tears and call him, yell and hang up before I hear his response.

I throw his hard drive as hard as I can into the wall, smashing it.

 

I pack me and my son up and go to my parents.

 

So thats everything up until now.

 

I feel so depressed, I love him I really do despite it all.

I am mad at myself for loving him.

I want to hate him I want to forget him.

 

I am sooooo angry. why why why why did he do this

I remember back to all the times when we refused to go places with me..I would say to him your going to look at porn, he would swear he wouldn't, he would say take the internet with you

So I would, and I would come home happy thinking he hadn't done it...

When all along I was being played for a fool...

 

Someone please help..what do I do?

I made an appoitment with a sex therapist tomorrow, I want to tell her all of this and see if I am being irrational...

 

Whats your opinion??

 

I am just responding to your first post. I'm sure there is much discussion on the subject.

 

I hate porn. Having read LS for a bit now, the various boards, there is much anger over cheating in and out of marriage, but I think porn is worse and that seems to be taken much lighter for some reason.

 

If people knew the behind the scenes operations of what goes on and the profits and where those profits are spent I think some might be a bit more angry about porn. It can be found on the internet, I did a study about 10 years ago, but can't remember all I learned on it. It's more scary and demonic than people think.

 

I really do hate porn.

[frozensprouts]

It sounds as if you are more upset about the fact that he is not respecting you wishes than the fact that he is looking at porn.

 

To be honest, my husband is one of those guys who looks at it a few times a day ( I think it's lame and have no interest in it at all) . He used to hide the fact that he was looking at it because he felt embarrassed and ashamed. So I told him that I didn't mind too much as long as I don't have to see it and he doesn't sneak to do it. we still have sex a few times a day and he still looks at porn every day but he doesn't hide the fact . This works for us, but may not be what would work for you.

 

Perhaps you could sit down with him and have a frank, non-judgmental discussion about it. try telling him that you don't like porn, and see if he'll tell you why he feels to the need to look at it so much. It may turn out to be nothing to worry about, or it may be a real problem for him. but you won't know until you talk about it.

 

Hope things get better for you and that you are able to geet some rest ( between worrying about this and a new baby, I expect it's kind of hard to right now:))

[Jeff1962]

Men are of course more visual than women when it comes to sex but there is a difference between occasional viewing of porn and a porn addiction. I think you should consider the type of porn your partner is watching for clues that could define his need for porn.

 

Does he want to try the acts he sees in porn with you? If he does, do you refuse? Talk to your partner and try to understand WHY he looks at porn. What interests him. Sounds to me like you are demanding that your partner stop looking at porn just because you say so and that should be the end of it. This is not always the case though. Sometimes a guy just needs to jerk off with no strings attached. Wham, bam, no emotions, jerk it and forget it. I'm not trying to be rude, rather truthful.

 

Don't get me wrong here. Porn has no emotional attachment for a man when he watches it. It is only visual unless you have mental problems.

 

YOU say your sex life is fine, have you ever asked him if your sex life is fine?

 

Either way. Congrats on your baby. I hope this all works out for the both of you and you can both build a healthy relationship together.

[Woman In Blue]

Anyway, the reason I wrote this post is because I was hoping for a black and white answer to why he does this/how to fix it.

Oh for God's sakes.

 

So because YOU think porn is 'wrong' and 'dirty,' that automatically makes you right, and the situation has to be "fixed?"

 

You're treating him like he's a 14 year old boy and you found Hustler's under his mattress. No wonder he's constantly hiding it.

 

I think you're delusional if you think you're going to put blinders on the guy and force him to only think of you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Good luck with that.

[starryeyed12]

Oh for God's sakes.

 

So because YOU think porn is 'wrong' and 'dirty,' that automatically makes you right, and the situation has to be "fixed?"

 

You're treating him like he's a 14 year old boy and you found Hustler's under his mattress. No wonder he's constantly hiding it.

 

I think you're delusional if you think you're going to put blinders on the guy and force him to only think of you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Good luck with that.

 

This OP is over a month old, and we have not received an update from her as of recent.

 

Did you read the part about how he skipped out on her right after their child was born supposedly to go home and watch porn??? She treated him like a 14 year old bc thats about where his maturity level is.

 

Men are of course more visual than women when it comes to sex...

 

This is complete BS. Along with other well-known myths such as, women don't MB and all women have no sex drive after marriage.

[emmalee]

Ok, where to start...

 

I didn't end up going to the sex therapist, it was too expensive.

I stayed at my parents for a total of 2 nights, it was just terrible being cramped in their tiny spare room with baby.

 

So I decided to move back to our apartment, but I moved the fold out couch into my sons room and declared that this was my room and my partner can do whatever he pleases in his own room.

Again this lasted 2 nights, maybe.

My partner was extremely nice to me when I returned, begged me to sleep in 'his' room etc etc

Slowly I made my way back to him. We are like that when we fight, although an issue may not be resolved we 'forget' about it for a while...

 

So this is basically what happened. I also showed him my post on here and his response was that I left alot of stuff out...which is kinda true, but I didnt think it was relevent. Here are some points he thought I should have mentioned:

I watch porn too. I watch porn while he is at work, occasionally when he naps etc

But he has said to me several times

"I dont care if you look at porn,"

"You can go look at porn,'

etc etc

If he ever said to me, I dont like you looking at porn, it hurts my feelings I would totally stop! I only do it cause he doesn't mind...

 

So why can I look at porn & he can't?

Woman in Blue is right, I want him to think of me 24/7. Even as I write this I know it sounds stupid.

I am just torn with this issue, it's like there are two voices in my head...one is like: who cares he looks at porn, he loves you, satisfies you etc etc

the other is like: aaaahhhh he's mine allll mine, why does he need to look at other women, whats wrong with me,why doesn't he want me? Why does he continue to do this to me...

 

 

I read this:

 

All men look at porn. Let me repeat that: ALL MEN LOOK AT PORN.

The best way to deal with it is this:

he needs to pretend he doesn't look at porn out of repsect for your feelings;

you need to pretend to believe him out of respect for his.

 

 

 

And I think this is the path Im going to choose.

 

I love my man for so many different reasons. I enjoy to look at porn, so why can't he?

I shouldn't let my childish jealousy cause fights like this.

And maybe he should be more mindful of how he accesses porn? I dont know??