Porn

[Spark1111]

[/b]I suggest you carefully reread all of OP's comments in the entire thread before you so readily try to make your argument on her behalf by comparing your particular situation to hers.

 

To me, OP comes off as extremely controlling, in fact violently so. Did you read the part where she actually throws her h's hard drive against the wall, presumably destroying it?

 

You want to frame the issue as the h's imposition of low self-esteem on the OP, lying, etc., rather than on the OP's need to control her h's masturbation behavior.

 

In any event, when wives withhold sex from their husbands, we are told that the husbands should just deal with it, that women have the right to say "no" to sex, even from their spouses.

 

Guess what? If that's true, then it's equally true that men have the right to "say no" to their women when it comes to sex.

 

(Gee it sounds kind of ridiculous when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn't it?)

 

You see I'm afraid you want to apply a double standard. When the h is insistent on sex with a wife who isn't receptive, the h is an ogre, a rapist. But when it is the h who does not want to have sex with his wife, why, he's emotionally abusing her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You advised the OP to leave her marriage. If you can't resolve things with your own h, perhaps you should follow your own advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Calling me names and putting words I didn't say in my mouth isn't going to solve your marital problems. You can use a forum like this one to repetitively vent or you can actually try to listen to other people, and maybe learn something simply by listening to other opinions without having to agree with them.

 

It's not my fault that your husband doesn't want to have sex with you. Blaming all your marital problems on what you characterize as your h's porn/masturbation addiction (or whatever) won't solve your problems either. You seem to have absolutely no understanding of why your h turns to masturbation for relief in an excessive manner. It might actually help if you simply accepted that masturbation among men, even married men, is a common if not universal trait. It is certainly not something for which he should be "shamed" or made to feel guilt, nor is it something to which you can fairly attribute your low self-esteem. Masturbation is natural and healthy. Even a lot of it. If you don't like the degree to which your h is masturbating, perhaps you should figure out a way of sexually satisfying him that he actually responds to, not that you want to impose upon him.

 

Masturbation is natural and healthy. Doing so to the exclusion of healthy intimacy with your spouse is not. People who substitute one excessively to the denial of the other have a problem. What makes you say the spouse is to blame?

 

Do you actually think any husband really wants to spend the majority of his sexy time masturbating as opposed to having sex with his wife? Good grief, the denial here is astounding.

 

Of course not. But newsflash here.....some men do. And their denial is astounding.

 

 

 

 

You obviously don't understand men. At all. OP's bf is sexually frustrated. Your h is sexually frustrated. Your response rather than understanding and an attempt at accommodation is to attack/threaten/guilt/shame them. This only serves to drive them further away from you. It's pretty basic human behavior and yet you don't seem to have a clue. How sad.

 

Hmmm... this is your opinion. Okay. But some men develop a real problem with it to the point of neglecting the SO. Takes too much work to establish emotional intimacy ad get her in the mood. Much easier for a NSA hand love after some web-surding.

 

Maybe you do not understand women at all.

 

 

 

 

OK, so you're something of a hypocrite when it comes to porn use, as well. Somehow that's not hugely surprising. But once again, as I suspected, porn is perfectly fine as long as its use (by you and/or your partner) is pursuant to your terms.

 

You're framing this as a "porn" or "masturbation" issue when in reality it's a "control" issue which you don't want to face up to. Porn use was perfectly fine in your marriage as long as you thought you were calling the shots. And it's not even about the porn itself, because certainly, if your h wants to have sexual fantasies about other women (who you apparently feel are more attractive than yourself, I guess that's your own pre existing low self esteem talking), he can do so without any porn at all. Men do masturbate without porn, it's just a little more difficult because the fantasies are all mental imagery. But I assure you there is mental imagery involved.

 

So, given that porn is not even necessary for masturbation to occur, what you really want to do is control not only your h's actions, but his very thoughts. You don't even want him to think about having sex with other women. So the problem is actually as much yours as it is his. You can't control another person's thoughts so you might as well stop trying.

 

 

 

Maybe you need to up your game.

 

Uh....maybe you should reconsider long term relationships for a while. This response seems real angry

[FructoseGrande]

Uh....maybe you should reconsider long term relationships for a while. This response seems real angry

 

Seems to me like the only person's LTR you need to be worried about is your own. Stick to your knitting, 'k?

[soserious1]

Seems to me like the only person's LTR you need to be worried about is your own. Stick to your knitting, 'k?

 

Rather than attempt to control my husband's thoughts or his use of porn I opted instead to divorce him even though it meant paying him alimony for the rest of my life, so far, not having him here anymore has been worth every penny.

Edited October 22, 2010 by soserious1

[dreamingoftigers]

[/b]I suggest you carefully reread all of OP's comments in the entire thread before you so readily try to make your argument on her behalf by comparing your particular situation to hers.

 

To me, OP comes off as extremely controlling, in fact violently so. Did you read the part where she actually throws her h's hard drive against the wall, presumably destroying it?

 

And this behaviour is inappropriate and not the way to handle the issue at all, it also isn't helpful. If you were to ever read "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" you would see that a lot of those responses fall under trauma responses. In fact a lot of controlling behaviour (from everyone that has control issues) often stems from trauma and wanting to put your environment back in order. The OP will have to deal with her behaviour, no doubt about that. Shaming her further will not help her or her SO.

 

You want to frame the issue as the h's imposition of low self-esteem on the OP, lying, etc., rather than on the OP's need to control her h's masturbation behavior.

 

The controlling behaviour (with reflection to the pornography, not maturbation) and btw, where does it say anything about trying to control him from masturbating? It is the PORN the appears to be the overriding issue. The only thing I hope for is that the OP's feelings of sadness and betrayal are not shuffled to the side because some of the posters think that pornography use is just fine wherever, whenever. I hope that the OP does not go through pain and think that she is crazy for feeling the way she does (I am not talking about the way she is behaving because of her feelings). I received many dismissive responses about my husband's behaviour, but I also knew it was not proper in a relationship to be behaving the way he did. I also have tried to empathize with the OP because many women in this situation do not realize how common it is and feel that they have nowhere to turn.

 

In any event, when wives withhold sex from their husbands, we are told that the husbands should just deal with it, that women have the right to say "no" to sex, even from their spouses.

 

Guess what? If that's true, then it's equally true that men have the right to "say no" to their women when it comes to sex.

 

(Gee it sounds kind of ridiculous when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn't it?)

 

Not really. I think both people have a "right" to say no. I also don't think it is right for spouses in a marriage to hold the other person hostage by withholding sex for unreasonable amounts of time. It does nothing but cause disconnection and hostility. If someone feels the need to withhold sex because of an emotional issue (or whatever) it is their responsibility to bring the issue up with their spouse and they try to work it out together so that they can both continue to have a healthy sexual relationship and stay connected in an intimate way.

 

You see I'm afraid you want to apply a double standard. When the h is insistent on sex with a wife who isn't receptive, the h is an ogre, a rapist. But when it is the h who does not want to have sex with his wife, why, he's emotionally abusing her.

 

What my husband did was emotional abuse. He traded me in for porn and cheating and let me know that I didn't have value to him, if that isn't a form of emotional abuse, I don't know what is. I can't speak to well for the other as I didn't turn my husband down very often at all. If there was an issue where I didn't want to be intimate with him, I would tell him why and we could find a way to make it work so that we could both be satisfied.

 

 

 

You advised the OP to leave her marriage. If you can't resolve things with your own h, perhaps you should follow your own advice.

 

If I can't resolve things with my husband, I will follow my own advice. I am at the last stages of doing all that I can.

 

 

 

 

Calling me names (I didn't call you names) and putting words I didn't say in my mouth isn't going to solve your marital problems. You can use a forum like this one to repetitively vent or you can actually try to listen to other people, and maybe learn something simply by listening to other opinions without having to agree with them.

 

It's not my fault that your husband doesn't want to have sex with you. Blaming all your marital problems on what you characterize as your h's porn/masturbation addiction (or whatever) won't solve your problems either. You seem to have absolutely no understanding of why your h turns to masturbation for relief in an excessive manner. (Actually we have uncovered a lot of this during therapy and I didn't feel that it was necessary to share it on the forum in this case). It might actually help if you simply accepted that masturbation among men, even married men, is a common if not universal trait. (I wouldn't have a problem with masturbation whatsoever if it had not evolved into addictive behaviour that increasingly lead my husband to ignore our marriage. I as well have had to give up masturbation, even though my counselor said I could be free to do it considering it has not become an unhealthy obsession as long as I did not make a point to flaunt it in front of my husband. I did it because I didn't think it was fair to ask him to forego it (even though his Sexual Addiction Specialist has recommended this to him) if I was engaging in it, I felt that this was a double standard. It is certainly not something for which he should be "shamed" or made to feel guilt, nor is it something to which you can fairly attribute your low self-esteem. (Again, that would be the porn, not the masturbation). Masturbation is natural and healthy. (When done in moderation, not when it takes up every spare second and causes you to ignore your family obligations. ) Even a lot of it. If you don't like the degree to which your h is masturbating, perhaps you should figure out a way of sexually satisfying him that he actually responds to, not that you want to impose upon him. I have always been incredibly sexually open with him and we have tried quite a variety of things, I have never imposed anything on him in the sexual realm. (This is actually one of the major reasons he married me) I have also encouraged him to be more creative. I have had to ask him to stop his addictive behaviours because it was affecting even more then our sex life(It only works if the spouse is open to even discussing it without being ashamed of it)

 

Do you actually think any husband really wants to spend the majority of his sexy time masturbating as opposed to having sex with his wife? Good grief, the denial here is astounding.

 

 

YES I DO AND HE HAS TOLD ME SO HE HS TOLD ME THAT THE PORN DOES THINGS FOR HIM THAT NO WOMAN COULD EVER DO< I WISH IT WAS ME BEING WITHHOLDING AND IN DENIAL.

 

 

You obviously don't understand men. At all. Men use porn to relieve themselves due to sexual frustration. (BS) OP's bf is sexually frustrated.( After having sex everyday?) Your h is sexually frustrated. (My h constantly refused sex in favor of porn, not every man is like you) Your response rather than understanding and an attempt at accommodation is to attack/threaten/guilt/shame them. This only serves to drive them further away from you. It's pretty basic human behavior and yet you don't seem to have a clue. How sad.

 

It seems that you don't have a clue about sex and porn addiction. How sad for all of us, including the OP who has to keep hearing that her bf looks at porn because he is not sexually satisfied with her. Often sex addicts (especially those in recovery) will say that there was nothing wrong with their wives and their sex life but that their addiction drove them to seek more and more and more.To the point where their relationship often implode. Check it out, look up sex and porn addiction.

 

 

OK, so you're something of a hypocrite when it comes to porn use, as well. Somehow that's not hugely surprising. But once again, as I suspected, porn is perfectly fine as long as its use (by you and/or your partner) is pursuant to your terms. (No it isn't fine for either of us because I have a tendency to use it addictively, that's why I stopped. Are people not allowed to change?)

 

You're framing this as a "porn" or "masturbation" issue when in reality it's a "control" issue which you don't want to face up to. Porn use was perfectly fine in your marriage as long as you thought you were calling the shots. (WHAT? When was this?) And it's not even about the porn itself, because certainly, if your h wants to have sexual fantasies about other women (who you apparently feel are more attractive than yourself, I guess that's your own pre existing low self esteem talking), he can do so without any porn at all. (That would have been okay if it hadn't have ripped apart our lives together and caused him to be arrested, okay?) Men do masturbate without porn, it's just a little more difficult because the fantasies are all mental imagery. But I assure you there is mental imagery involved. (duh and I wouldn't have cared had he had any regard for myself whatsoever)

 

If our specialist would have said, you know what, porn and masturbation are completely healthy for your husband, he just needs to learn to keep his impulses in check, I would have been like "okay as long as we can have a great, healthy relationship right? YAY"

 

But it wasn't the case. I never withheld sex from my husband EVER, he withheld from me to go watch porn. I never had an attitude like "BJs are gross" or whatever. He has an ADDICTION.

 

So, given that porn is not even necessary for masturbation to occur, what you really want to do is control not only your h's actions, but his very thoughts. You don't even want him to think about having sex with other women. So the problem is actually as much yours as it is his. You can't control another person's thoughts so you might as well stop trying.

 

 

 

Maybe you need to up your game.

 

It isn't about controlling someone's thoughts, that is a conclusion you drew by yourself, and a wrong one at that. I would be absolutely stupid to think that he would never notice another woman attractive and wonder what it would be like to be with her. The problem stems from him not even being present in our relationship. I hate it when men claim it is all about the woman being withholding. We had sex everyday for two months after the arrest, most of the time multiple times a day (hyperbonding) yet everytime I left the house he would still be on the damn computer and not doing anything else and freaking out at me over the smallest stupidest things. (Further signs of addiction).

 

WHEN ALL YOU ARE DOING WITH YOUR TIME IS JERKING OFF AND IGNORING EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE.

[BlackLovely]

In life, you have to pick and chose your battles. On the surface, this one hardly seems worth fighting. Your husband is looking at porn. Many men do. He uses the porn for masturbation, but he continues to have frequent sex with you. He is not neglecting your needs despite looking at porn.

 

You should examine your feelings about this a little more deeply. Is this about your objection to porn, or is it about your own insecurities or the need to control your husband? I suspect your pregnacy and new baby are adding to all of this.

 

At least he's not forcing you to look at porn. He asked, and you turned him down. Many couples watch porn together in an effort to spice up their sex lives.

 

This is exactly what I'm thinking. The OP is majoring in minors. Spouses masturbating to porn is good clean fun. How can porn be a threat if it is not excessive or depriving the other spouse of sex? Instead of wasting money on a sex therapist, the OP may want to invest in counseling for herself. The OP is clearly an insecure person, who feels safest when controlling others. Running off to her mother's house for such a small issue is spoiled behavior.

[You Go Girl]

This is exactly what I'm thinking. The OP is majoring in minors. Spouses masturbating to porn is good clean fun. How can porn be a threat if it is not excessive or depriving the other spouse of sex? Instead of wasting money on a sex therapist, the OP may want to invest in counseling for herself. The OP is clearly an insecure person, who feels safest when controlling others. Running off to her mother's house for such a small issue is spoiled behavior.

 

Wow. So now on LS we get to decide other people's sexual boundaries for them, declare them insecure, declare some sexual acts as fun subjective to our own opinion?

If you don't want to be compassionate with the OP, fine, but you don't get to judge based on your personal opinion, criticize, pass such stern judgements as "feels safest when controlling others" my gawd.

 

OP, you don't have to agree with any poster on here, or even understand their point of view.

Porn is an issue in your marriage. You are half of that marriage. You count, your feelings count in your marriage, not some poster on LS who disagrees with you. This is about your marriage, and in your marriage, you want the boundary line drawn at porn.

Your H should respect that, and quit the porn because he is married to you, and it hurts your feelings.

There is nothing about porn that is so incrdibly necessary that it should ever come before a wife's feelings.

He is married to her, ergo, her feelings are more important than the fantasy few minutes of porn.

She has not asked to control his thoughts, (although she probably would like it if he was present with her in the bedroom and not thinking about porn women, etc.). She has not asked him to stop masturbation. She has told him that her sexual comfortable boundaries do not include pornography. This should be enough for any loving husband to stop the behavior. It simply can't be valued above, nor be worth lying to, his wife.

[BlackLovely]

Wow. So now on LS we get to decide other people's sexual boundaries for them, declare them insecure, declare some sexual acts as fun subjective to our own opinion?

If you don't want to be compassionate with the OP, fine, but you don't get to judge based on your personal opinion, criticize, pass such stern judgements as "feels safest when controlling others" my gawd.

 

OP, you don't have to agree with any poster on here, or even understand their point of view.

Porn is an issue in your marriage. You are half of that marriage. You count, your feelings count in your marriage, not some poster on LS who disagrees with you. This is about your marriage, and in your marriage, you want the boundary line drawn at porn.

Your H should respect that, and quit the porn because he is married to you, and it hurts your feelings.

There is nothing about porn that is so incrdibly necessary that it should ever come before a wife's feelings.

He is married to her, ergo, her feelings are more important than the fantasy few minutes of porn.

She has not asked to control his thoughts, (although she probably would like it if he was present with her in the bedroom and not thinking about porn women, etc.). She has not asked him to stop masturbation. She has told him that her sexual comfortable boundaries do not include pornography. This should be enough for any loving husband to stop the behavior. It simply can't be valued above, nor be worth lying to, his wife.

 

I stand by my viewpoint. You do not get to tell me how to respond, especially since those on LS love name calling and harsh comments. If the OP did not want our opinion, she simply should not have asked. Just because SHE hates porn, it means her husband should be deprived of something healthy and normal? Women need to be aware that men are visual creatures. Looking at porn or strippers has NOTHING to do with a man's love. If this is the biggest problem in the OP's marriage, she's lucky!

[You Go Girl]

I stand by my viewpoint. You do not get to tell me how to respond, especially since those on LS love name calling and harsh comments. If the OP did not want our opinion, she simply should not have asked. Just because SHE hates porn, it means her husband should be deprived of something healthy and normal? Women need to be aware that men are visual creatures. Looking at porn or strippers has NOTHING to do with a man's love. If this is the biggest problem in the OP's marriage, she's lucky!

 

Quote from your own thread: "Please respond politely and respectfully" just about verbatim.

Why not return that favor?

 

Again, none of us get to decide other people's healthy sexual boundaries. Drawing the line at porn, or strippers, is what many women do. They are not wrong and you are right. It is a personal decision in each marriage, that must be discussed and boundary lines agreed to.

[dreamingoftigers]

I stand by my viewpoint. You do not get to tell me how to respond, especially since those on LS love name calling and harsh comments. If the OP did not want our opinion, she simply should not have asked. Just because SHE hates porn, it means her husband should be deprived of something healthy and normal? Women need to be aware that men are visual creatures. Looking at porn or strippers has NOTHING to do with a man's love. If this is the biggest problem in the OP's marriage, she's lucky!

 

By who's standards it is healthy? What makes it healthy at all?

 

Did anyone notice he left her at the hospital shortly after giving birth just to go home and watch porn? How in the Hell did anyone miss that? Lying about it over and over again, how did anyone miss that? BL, she's not lucky with this one....

[BlackLovely]

Fructose, you are one smart cookie. I loved what you had to say about double standards when providing sexual needs. I agree that women who are bothered by men's visual nature, simply do not understand men. Watching porn cannot be compared to husband's kissing others, because those who watch porn are not being sexual with those on the screen. It's impossible! LOL

[dreamingoftigers]

Fructose, you are one smart cookie. I loved what you had to say about double standards when providing sexual needs. I agree that women who are bothered by men's visual nature, simply do not understand men. Watching porn cannot be compared to husband's kissing others, because those who watch porn are not being sexual with those on the screen. It's impossible! LOL

 

An orgasm is one of the strongest natural physiological experiences one can have. You can actually retrain your brain to be sexually stimulated by very odd things. If you stare at a pair of shoes and masturbate, you can easily train your brain to be aroused by shoes. Shoes become erotic.

 

(Check out The Brain that Changes Itself)

 

So porn is no doubt a sexual activity, it is used as a sexual activity, in fact your brain releases the same chemical and hormone reaction when you use porn as when you have sex, your brain simply does not know that it isn't having sex. The "actors" on the screen are not being sexual with you. That's the difference.

 

Would it make a difference if the guy was simply to invite two escorts home for the evening just to watch them, would this not pose a problem?

 

So by that argument that you state above, what would be wrong with kissing and cuddling if no sex is involved?

 

In fact I would be less bothered by kissing and cuddling then orgasmic encounters.

[NoneTheWiser]

Is it that women are bothered by men's visual nature or are they bothered by the actions of those men? As a man, I don’t like to be categorized as a porn loving, knuckles dragging on the ground Neanderthal always looking to get off. Most men have evolved knowing when and how to control their ‘visual nature’ and if you haven’t yet, then you have a problem. Leaving your family only minute after the birth of your own child to go home and get off, then you have a problem. Lying and being deceitful along with hiding porn from your wife or loved one and sneaking behind their back to obtain it, then you have a problem. If you can’t go to work and last 8 hours without looking at porn, then you have a problem.

It’s when PORN CONTROLS YOU that’s when the problem starts.

[sweetjasmine]

Looking at porn or strippers has NOTHING to do with a man's love.

 

...; however, leaving the hospital an hour after your wife just gave birth to your child and staying at home because you opened an internet account to jack off to porn does say something.

[Ella whispers]

I don't see the big deal w/ porn.

 

A male friend of mine is addicted to it. His M has been in trouble for a long time. They haven't had sex in over a year since they had a child. It's sad to me that she can neglect his needs and then blame him for being "perverted" and "not loving her" for looking at porn.

 

When addictions impede normal daily functions that's a problem.

As long as he's a good father ( looking at porn after leaving the hospital does not make him a bad father imo) good provider and her needs are met I don't see the big deal.

 

I don't think that men compare their wives to the women in the pictures and videos, the women do.

 

The real issue here is lying. He needs to open up and communicate why he needs that release so often.

[Kendrick]

You just said a male friend of yours in addicted. Then you went on to say, "that its sad that his wife neglects his needs and then blames him for being perverted." Then you said "When addictions impede normal daily functions then its a problem."

 

So did he have the problem before he knew her? Maybe he brought it to the relationship? Maybe his addiction is WHY she doesn't have sex with him? Or are you saying she neglected him first, then thats why he turned to porn and it became an addiction? Addiction does NOT just effect the person who is addicted.

 

I guess it could be a which came first scenerio, the chicken or the egg, but bottom line, there is a problem no matter where is started first, addictions need to be addressed.

[PandorasBox]

"I don't see the big deal with porn."

 

 

Most people who are not in that kind of situation, as in, involved with a person who watches it regardless of anothers feelings, don't see it as a big deal.

[soserious1]

I don't see the big deal w/ porn.

 

A male friend of mine is addicted to it. His M has been in trouble for a long time. They haven't had sex in over a year since they had a child. It's sad to me that she can neglect his needs and then blame him for being "perverted" and "not loving her" for looking at porn.

 

When addictions impede normal daily functions that's a problem.

As long as he's a good father ( looking at porn after leaving the hospital does not make him a bad father imo) good provider and her needs are met I don't see the big deal.

 

I don't think that men compare their wives to the women in the pictures and videos, the women do.

 

The real issue here is lying. He needs to open up and communicate why he needs that release so often.

 

 

Yeah, while you're lying in a hospital bed, stretched out,scarred, leaking from every orifice after childbirth it's a really comfort to know your husband hurried home so that he could clean his eyes out with some porn women.

 

I personally think monogamy is a farce, the idea that as long as we don't actually touch another person that we deserve a cookie for being "faithful"

is pretty insulting. Why not just admit that we hunger to be sexual with other people, that over time the thought of having sex with our spouses is about as exciting as cleaning the toilet.. why not end the sham that is monogamy?

[KYSearcher]

Wow so many good points here.

Porn can become an addiction only OP and her guy can determine if he has an addiction.

Lots of folks see no big deal with watching porn even in a committed relationship

Others believe that it is being emotionally unfaithful to the relationship

A healthy sexual relationship and in fact a healthy relationship in general in the end is about communication. And it is VERY difficult to have good communication in this area.

Part of the attraction to porn is that it is forbidden, illicit and therefore kind of exciting. Even if one party thinks its sick immoral and disgusting they may need to recognize that the other person addicted or not, may feel the opposite. So viewing porn is kind of like riding a roller coaster and then you add sex to it via masturbation................no wonder its addicting!

This is truly something that is going to work out differently in every relationship. Each side both OP and her SO need to communicate honestly about what is going on.

I am sure SO is thinking its just porn what's the big deal but OP needs to let him know its much more than that too her. REally doesn;t matter if you agree or disagree with her position.

Certainly hope they can work things out in a way that works for them but if not the relationship is doomed because their will be continued distrust on her part and he will likely despite any good intentions otherwise manage to prove to her that her suspicions about him not being able to be trusted on this are real.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yeah, while you're lying in a hospital bed, stretched out,scarred, leaking from every orifice after childbirth it's a really comfort to know your husband hurried home so that he could clean his eyes out with some porn women.

 

I personally think monogamy is a farce, the idea that as long as we don't actually touch another person that we deserve a cookie for being "faithful"

is pretty insulting. Why not just admit that we hunger to be sexual with other people, that over time the thought of having sex with our spouses is about as exciting as cleaning the toilet.. why not end the sham that is monogamy?

 

one of your diatribes against the scum that is men and what a terrible thing monogamy is....

 

Especially nice analogy about cleaning the toilet....

[You Go Girl]

Is it that women are bothered by men's visual nature or are they bothered by the actions of those men? As a man, I don’t like to be categorized as a porn loving, knuckles dragging on the ground Neanderthal always looking to get off. Most men have evolved knowing when and how to control their ‘visual nature’ and if you haven’t yet, then you have a problem. Leaving your family only minute after the birth of your own child to go home and get off, then you have a problem. Lying and being deceitful along with hiding porn from your wife or loved one and sneaking behind their back to obtain it, then you have a problem. If you can’t go to work and last 8 hours without looking at porn, then you have a problem.

It’s when PORN CONTROLS YOU that’s when the problem starts.

 

But see, this is why you are still married after 23 years. You don't have the entitled arrogant attitude.

Are women bothered by men's visual nature? No, no more so than men are bothered by women's visual nature. I think the whole idea that men are "more visual" was created by those in the porn industry. Women are very visual creatures also, however, there is the very big difference in that as teenage girls entering puberty, girls are not given a magazine and told it's standard to use the visual of naked men as an aid in masturbation. This is just a double standard, and something that has evolved to the point of being culturally accepted by many, and expected by many also.

Culturally, boys don't talk much about how they have a huge crush, they don't talk about the emotional side of attraction as much, but instead talk about how "hot" a girl is, because talking about the emotional side is considered weak and breaks the rules.

Culturally, girls don't have porn magazines handed to them, nor encouraged to objectify as much, although somewhat with cute movie stars or musicians. Girls talk about their crushes in relation to their emotional side, not their physical side, and it is not considered weak.

 

Even so, with these cultural differences, hopefully most men grow up and assume a role situable for being a husband. This definitely includes setting aside this childish sneaky business with porn, and stepping up to the plate to be worthy of being called a gentleman, but this last part is definitely my personal standard. Others opinions obviously differ, but I think this is what many women are asking for when they object.

[soserious1]

one of your diatribes against the scum that is men and what a terrible thing monogamy is....

 

Especially nice analogy about cleaning the toilet....

 

I don't think that men are "scum" I do think the constrict of monogamy as it is currently practiced is a sham.. people men and women alike can say/do anything just short of actual penetration and stand there expecting kudo's and backslaps for being "faithful" "loving" "devoted spouses.Sorry but I'm not going to give anybody a cookie because they made the horrible,horrible sacrifice of only lusting for others with their eyes, mind,heart and didn't actually have sex. You desire other women sexually? great, go get them with my full approval and blessings.

 

Sorry but I prefer to ride the faithful to none, sworn to fun train, it's a lot more honest, a lot more fun and definitely cheaper, better in every single way than monogamous marriage ever was for me.

 

Oh and as far as "diatribes" go how's your situation working out, has your wife decided to start pleasuring you sexually more or have you learned to get your satisfaction from your constant questions about why women won't have sex more since they do have orgasms?

Edited October 22, 2010 by soserious1

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't think that men are "scum" I do think the constrict of monogamy as it is currently practiced is a sham.. people men and women alike can say/do anything just short of actual penetration and stand there expecting kudo's and backslaps for being "faithful" "loving" "devoted spouses.Sorry but I'm not going to give anybody a cookie because they made the horrible,horrible sacrifice of only lusting for others with their eyes, mind,heart and didn't actually have sex. You desire other women sexually? great, go get them with my full approval and blessings.

 

Sorry but I prefer to ride the faithful to none, sworn to fun train, it's a lot more honest, a lot more fun and definitely cheaper, better in every single way than monogamous marriage ever was for me.

 

Oh and as far as "diatribes" go how's your situation working out, has your wife decided to start pleasuring you sexually more or have you learned to get your satisfaction from your constant questions about why women won't have sex more since they do have orgasms?

 

knowing my wife is no where near as damaged or screwed up like many women on here or written about are...... And heck though you may try and convinced me otherwise I have a pretty good marriage by comparison to most......

[GorillaTheater]

Sorry but I prefer to ride the faithful to none, sworn to fun train, it's a lot more honest, a lot more fun and definitely cheaper, better in every single way than monogamous marriage ever was for me.

 

Glad to see that you're getting out there, SS. Ride that train, baby.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Glad to see that you're getting out there, SS. Ride that train, baby.

 

Missed that.... You're absolutely right.... I however do sincerely hope soserious does finds someone to make her believe in monogamy again..... Good for her..... I sincerely extend an olive branch...... Seeing the last emails lamented being fixed up with old old men, with one foot in the grave.....

[soserious1]

Missed that.... You're absolutely right.... I however do sincerely hope soserious does finds someone to make her believe in monogamy again..... Good for her..... I sincerely extend an olive branch...... Seeing the last emails lamented being fixed up with old old men, with one foot in the grave.....

 

I often question how you can deny your unhappiness with your marriage but I've never hated on you, I actually like you or I wouldn't bother commenting

at all so your ragging on me was rather unexpected. And no, I'm still not interested in touring nursing homes to find a date:)

 

As to the OP's situation I don't think there's a person alive who doesn't understand that finding out your husband left you lying in a hospital bed, scarred and bleeding after giving birth to rush home and masturbate to porn

isn't going to go over well. Yes, a person's right to sexual expression and privacy dictate that he should be allowed to view and pleasure himself with whatever images float his boat. However,common sense to say nothing of basic kindness would dictate making darn sure our computer history was kept clear after such a session ..that is.. if you'd like to remain in a happy marriage.

 

OP your husband makes zero attempts to really effectively keep his viewing materials private in spite of knowing this issue bothers you, have you stopped to think that perhaps he's really not happy being married or with being a new father? Rather than directly confronting those issues with you, he makes sure you can easily stumble onto his porn, perhaps hoping you'll be the bad guy and end the marriage?