MissVegas Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 So my concept in relationships is I'll do something that's not fun/i dont want to because I love the person and if it makes them happy therefore I will be happy i made them happy because I love them. Is this concept wack? Halloween is fast approaching and my friends invited me to a halloween bar type party. I agreed to go. Asked my boyfriend if he will come with me and because he does not like where it's being held he won't go even though that means I will have to go dressed all cute solo and he knows it would make me happy. My boyfriend loves going out to the bar and drinking but so it's not that. He just doesn't like where it's being held. This annoys me because i feel like if he loved me enough he would sacrifice for a few hours and come. I always am putting myself out there to make him happy. Am I irrational to be kinda frustrated and annoyed by this?
yah Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 No, you're not being irrational. Is there more to this story? (e.g. Does he not like your friends? Thinking about going out with his friends that night instead? etc)
Sabali Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Am I irrational to be kinda frustrated and annoyed by this? Maybe. Where is it being held? If it's being held in a mausoleum or quicksand then I understand his reluctance.
Author MissVegas Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 It's being held at a big event center where they have DJ's perform and stuff. My friends are nothing but nice to him he just doesnt come out very often he always goes out with just his friends and im never really invited. He might not want to commit because he's waiting for his friends to offer him something bigger and better for the night but that's a piss off itself.
Knittress Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 "if you loved me," is one of the worst BS manipulative lines of all time. So yeah, the idea can be wack if taken to extremes. But in this case, something is a big deal to you and doesn't cost him much - your dude is just being an ass.
machiavellian Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I understand your frustration. You want to feel like if something is important to you, he cares, will be there for you, you're a priority, you're not the only one giving/compromising in the relationship and so on.
Cee Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I'm bothered by the lack of integration in his and your social lives. He could easily invite a few friends to the Halloween event with the DJs. Or you could pre-game at a party he's invited to & then hit your party. Or vice versa. In his possible defense, some people HATE parties with DJs. I go clubbing a lot & I have learned which friends to invite and what friends not to invite. If your BF is the type of guy who'd rather stand and watch a band, than dance to a DJ, he might be miserable. But how miserable could he be if he was with you?
make me believe Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 He just doesn't like where it's being held. This annoys me because i feel like if he loved me enough he would sacrifice for a few hours and come. I always am putting myself out there to make him happy. Am I irrational to be kinda frustrated and annoyed by this? IDK, I think it's legit to not want to go to a party if you don't like where it's being held. "If you loved me, you'd do it" is immature & manipulative. I wouldn't want to go to some huge Halloween party with DJs and a million drunk people and a club-type atmosphere. I would totally decline that invitation and it wouldn't have anything to do with how much I love my BF or not. If he frequently says no when you invite him to do things, or puts his friends before you, then it's a problem. But this one time? Not a big deal.
flying Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) Hi Miss Vegas, I went back to read more of your story to get some perspective on your relationship...you've described trying to break up with this BF multiple times because he has (nearly?) cheated in the past, rarely invites you to events with his friends, and is verbally and emotionally abusive to you. He has also, apparently, stated that he doesn't want to marry you, although you do want to be married. You were injured at work and he told you he purposefully ignored your calls. All of those things - they mean something, and it isn't good. It's obviously been very hard for you to truly end this relationship, despite your hurt - but it is clear that this relationship is not making you happy, despite what you've said about there being good times, too. That's a classic abusive cycle, actually - the abuser generally keeps the partner around through the lure of occasional good times. At this point, though, you're being complicit in your own unhappiness. You know that he habitually behaves this way, and that he is unwilling to change. So, you have to make the choice to save yourself from further unhappiness. Only you can do it. I'd advise you to go on your own to this party, and think really hard about whether or not it would have been more fun with him there. I'm guessing it wouldn't, because you'd feel like you have to consistently check in with him - in fact, babysit his feelings, rather than just enjoy yourself and trust that he's there for you, and is capable of having a good time for your sake. You've been with this person long enough that the way he treats you probably seems like "normal" behavior - but I assure you that plenty of people do NOT act this way, and are capable of just being there for their partners out of love. Please, think about it. Edited October 20, 2010 by flying
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