pandagirl Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Almost two months since the breakup, and very minimal contact. I'm doing well, I think. With this space away from him, I've realized I was severely depressed in our relationship (not due to him) and have been working hard to make myself a better person. I'm proud of the improvements I've made in my life and will continue to do so. I know I will be happy no matter what. But deep down inside, I am still completely heartbroken. I'm a strong person. I can see that maybe we weren't meant to be, and I must accept what is the reality: that we are apart. I can't stop thinking about him though. And the thoughts that consume me aren't even about getting back together or reviving our relationship. All I can think about is how we never even got a chance. I think about how we met, and he had to go. How we were so in love, and that this year apart would only make us stronger. I'm sad. I'm sad that we never got to share each other or be with each other. We didn't get to do any of things that people in love get to do. No vacations, no shared birthdays, no kiss at New Year's Eve, no Valentine's day, no lazy Sundays, meeting my family or cooking dinner together. Even stupid stuff like that we never went bowling together or go to these restaurants we wanted to eat at really get to me. The entirety of our relationship was spent coming or going. Knowing that we'll never get to do those things together kills me inside. And I know it's neither here nor there, that it's just what it is. But I can't believe two people fell in love with each other, and we just couldn't survive this year apart... so we could finally be together to start our REAL relationship. These thoughts torture my heart, and bring tears to my eyes whenever I think of them. I just wanted to have more time with him, whether or not it meant we would still break up eventually. I just wanted to experience our love for each other, instead of being thousands of miles apart.
alittlejaded Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I think what you are feeling is normal. What is interesting to me is how it is manifesting-- you have moved away from reminiscing the past to acknowledging him in the present/future tense. Why I find this so interesting is that I always wondered if I was crazy feeling this way about my ex, but the more I read on this forum, the more I realize I am not alone. I find myself doing this when I go on trips to places I know he would have liked. I think right now you are feeling robbed of these experiences you could be having with someone who you feel is very much a significant aspect of your life. It's really about you having a more meaningful life and that intense desire to share it with him. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but I think it really depends on the person, though.
Author pandagirl Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 I think what you are feeling is normal. What is interesting to me is how it is manifesting-- you have moved away from reminiscing the past to acknowledging him in the present/future tense. Why I find this so interesting is that I always wondered if I was crazy feeling this way about my ex, but the more I read on this forum, the more I realize I am not alone. I find myself doing this when I go on trips to places I know he would have liked. I think right now you are feeling robbed of these experiences you could be having with someone who you feel is very much a significant aspect of your life. It's really about you having a more meaningful life and that intense desire to share it with him. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but I think it really depends on the person, though. Oh weird! I didn't even know I was acknowledging him the present/future tense. I know as I fulfill my life more and make myself happier,these thoughts will become more intense. But I hate feeling like I'll always wonder, "what if..." Because it wasn't because of the lack of love we broke up, it was because of our circumstances, individually and as a couple. I know this shouldn't matter, but if I knew he at least felt the same way, I wouldn't feel so crazy, like it would provide me with some comfort. I just... we were supposed to at least be together. It's what we really wanted. Yet, I know that we had to break up when we did.
Hopelesslyforgotten Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Almost two months since the breakup, and very minimal contact. I'm doing well, I think. With this space away from him, I've realized I was severely depressed in our relationship (not due to him) and have been working hard to make myself a better person. I'm proud of the improvements I've made in my life and will continue to do so. I know I will be happy no matter what. But deep down inside, I am still completely heartbroken. I'm a strong person. I can see that maybe we weren't meant to be, and I must accept what is the reality: that we are apart. I can't stop thinking about him though. And the thoughts that consume me aren't even about getting back together or reviving our relationship. All I can think about is how we never even got a chance. I think about how we met, and he had to go. How we were so in love, and that this year apart would only make us stronger. I'm sad. I'm sad that we never got to share each other or be with each other. We didn't get to do any of things that people in love get to do. No vacations, no shared birthdays, no kiss at New Year's Eve, no Valentine's day, no lazy Sundays, meeting my family or cooking dinner together. Even stupid stuff like that we never went bowling together or go to these restaurants we wanted to eat at really get to me. The entirety of our relationship was spent coming or going. Knowing that we'll never get to do those things together kills me inside. And I know it's neither here nor there, that it's just what it is. But I can't believe two people fell in love with each other, and we just couldn't survive this year apart... so we could finally be together to start our REAL relationship. These thoughts torture my heart, and bring tears to my eyes whenever I think of them. I just wanted to have more time with him, whether or not it meant we would still break up eventually. I just wanted to experience our love for each other, instead of being thousands of miles apart. Wow, Panda, we are so much alike and I feel like we are on the same breakup timeline....i too have realized how severly depressed I was when I was with him now that we are apart... I think the same exact things about my ex...every time I go out I think about how I will no longer share moments like you stated above with my ex...and it really just breaks my heart. I just miss him and the memories from our relationship just haunt me because I know I will never get to make new ones with him... What has helped me from completely breaking down is getting back on my antidepressants...while it doesn't stop me from thinking about him (everything STILL literally reminds me of him) it has helped me think more clearly about the relationship and our breakup...I feel more levelheaded BUT i still miss the hell out of him and think about him all the time... Keep moving and improving on yourself Panda, you're doing great
Trovador Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I used to rehearse (and relive) conversations with my ex or I imagined I was talking to her; I've caught myself taking note of certain stuff that I know she might find interesting... if she were with me... It hurts when you know you are not going to talk about this or that and you have to keep it just for yourself and for good... But lately, it happens just a few times a day... and sometimes none at all... I wonder if she feels/felt the same...
Author pandagirl Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Wow, Panda, we are so much alike and I feel like we are on the same breakup timeline....i too have realized how severly depressed I was when I was with him now that we are apart... I think the same exact things about my ex...every time I go out I think about how I will no longer share moments like you stated above with my ex...and it really just breaks my heart. I just miss him and the memories from our relationship just haunt me because I know I will never get to make new ones with him... What has helped me from completely breaking down is getting back on my antidepressants...while it doesn't stop me from thinking about him (everything STILL literally reminds me of him) it has helped me think more clearly about the relationship and our breakup...I feel more levelheaded BUT i still miss the hell out of him and think about him all the time... Keep moving and improving on yourself Panda, you're doing great It's not that we won't share those moments anymore, we never even GOT to have those moments. We never even got a chance to have a real relationships. I feel so completely gutted about that. But, it'd good to hear you are doing better! Have you been NC with him? I used to rehearse (and relive) conversations with my ex or I imagined I was talking to her; I've caught myself taking note of certain stuff that I know she might find interesting... if she were with me... It hurts when you know you are not going to talk about this or that and you have to keep it just for yourself and for good... But lately, it happens just a few times a day... and sometimes none at all... I wonder if she feels/felt the same... I don't think about conversations we would have. I mostly think about all the things we didn't get to do together because it was a LDR. He's moving back here next year, which is when our REAL relationship was supposed to start. I don't know. It's so stupid. I just want more time with him.
WTRanger Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You have to unclutch from these thoughts. In some parts of the world, hunters trap birds by hanging a stick from a few pieces of string. When the bird grabs the stick, the bird is immediately suspended upside down sort of like a bat hanging from a cave. This, of course, upsets and shocks the bird so it hangs onto the stick for dear life thinking that if it lets go it will fall to its death. Yet, has there ever been a record of a bird falling to its death? No, what should happen is the bird lets go, take a few seconds to right itself, then fly away. What I'm getting at is that you are holding onto these thoughts because you fear if you let them go, you cannot survive. I know how you feel, I'm going through the same thing. I always have talks with myself about what happened, but I found myself talking about the same thing over and over. While talking about it is great, repeating it is bad. Once you have the thought, release it. Another thing to do is you know you can only have one thought at a time, so try to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. Find something positive, but not about your ex, to think about. Show your mind that you can live on positive thoughts, trick it to start thinking positively. This is a hard thing to do, I struggle with it a lot. I'll do good for a bit, then have set backs. But each time, the set back gets smaller and smaller.
Gdunkman Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I've caught myself taking note of certain stuff that I know she might find interesting... if she were with me... It hurts when you know you are not going to talk about this or that and you have to keep it just for yourself and for good... Oh, I had the same feeling. It was the hardest part of surviving process after breakup for me. It was harder then spending time alone or realizing she will have sex with someone else. The fact that I will never have a chance to share my thoughts and ideas with her was unbearable. I still have this feeling now, but the intensity of it is lower, at least it doesn't kill me from inside anymore.
rebeccajones Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You will get through Panda. Try to focus on your goals and dreams for your life. What do you desire (w/o him in it). Now you don't realize it but every man has unique and lovable qualities, hard to see now I know. I wonder why I don't feel so bad I'm getting old and I've never been married, but I feel ok. Some so called friend told me it was a tragedy I broke up with my ex!! I may never get married or have kids! Since you say you are depressed, you definitely need to change your thoughts and work on yourself. See a therapist, do whatever you need to to feel better, you are all you got! Hope that helps a little!!
HopeLove Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 When my ex and I broke up we were both still in love and that is worst because you can't understand how can someone that loves you break the relationship. That's the hardest part for me. Try day by day to let him go. It's a shame you couldn't expirience with him what you wanted, but you will with someone else. Great comment from WTRanger.
WTRanger Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 If any of you have a subscription to Netflix, check out the series "This Emotional Life" on instant streaming. They have a great episode on how the mind deals with break-ups and loss. Really fantastic stuff.
reknown29 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I am in the same boat. I have been dealing with my depression and my self esteem that has been shattered. now that I am improving, I cant help to think about how perfect we could have been. How i had this amazing person in my life and I screwed it up by being down on myself. The truth is though is that we also may not have been right for each other. The not knowing because I didnt open up enough is the hard part. People move out of relationships too quickly without communicating. If we had good communication, which I always pushed for... I would have known what was going on in her head. Its sad to think of all the relationships that end in the world because of a communication problem. Its really sad but it happens so much these days cause everybody just moves on. Commitment doesnt mean much anymore. The value system they had in the 30s 40s makes sense. Im not religous but the idea of commiment in catholicism makes sense. You have to stick it through. People will always change and there will always be broken hearts if we dont stick it out. Im always getting heart broken because when I commit to someone I always have the intention for life and I will do anything to make it work. Its not easy being this way.
Author pandagirl Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 When my ex and I broke up we were both still in love and that is worst because you can't understand how can someone that loves you break the relationship. That's the hardest part for me. Try day by day to let him go. It's a shame you couldn't expirience with him what you wanted, but you will with someone else. Great comment from WTRanger. I think I'm doing all I can do to move forward on my part. I'm just trying to focus on my own happiness, but that regret... those "what ifs," they really kill ya! I understand why we needed to break up. In a way, I think it saved both of us from running the relationship into the ground and ending on bad terms. Sometimes I think if we were ever to get back together, this had to happen. I know he still has feelings for me. Love just doesn't go away overnight. I wonder if this is hard for him too. He would never admit that though. I just hate the idea of love slipping away... I am in the same boat. I have been dealing with my depression and my self esteem that has been shattered. now that I am improving, I cant help to think about how perfect we could have been. How i had this amazing person in my life and I screwed it up by being down on myself. The truth is though is that we also may not have been right for each other. The not knowing because I didnt open up enough is the hard part. People move out of relationships too quickly without communicating. If we had good communication, which I always pushed for... I would have known what was going on in her head. Its sad to think of all the relationships that end in the world because of a communication problem. Its really sad but it happens so much these days cause everybody just moves on. Commitment doesnt mean much anymore. The value system they had in the 30s 40s makes sense. Im not religous but the idea of commiment in catholicism makes sense. You have to stick it through. People will always change and there will always be broken hearts if we dont stick it out. Im always getting heart broken because when I commit to someone I always have the intention for life and I will do anything to make it work. Its not easy being this way. The bolded part really stand out to me. Communication was the main cause for our breakup. And to be honest, I can't even really remember what we even were fighting so much about.
Banker Chick Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I look at it a different way. My ex lives about an hour and 1/2 away from me and with our schedules we spent a few weekends together and days here and there but not as much time obviously as a couple that lives in the same town. Because of this, I don't have a lot of memories of him being in my house and vice versa or doing a lot of casual type things. I now view that as a blessing because I don't worry about every little thing I see and do and hear reminding me of him. I guess what I'm saying is I'm glad our lives weren't more entertwined than they were. It's helped me heal faster.
Hopelesslyforgotten Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 It's not that we won't share those moments anymore, we never even GOT to have those moments. We never even got a chance to have a real relationships. I feel so completely gutted about that. But, it'd good to hear you are doing better! Have you been NC with him? QUOTE] Yeah, I think it's almost a double-edged sword though. I completely agree where you feel like you've almost be cheated out of those memories with him but at the same time (like what Banker Chick was stating), it's those exact moments that make it so hard for me to completely move on...like when 'our' favorite show comes on tv that we used to watch together and snuggle on the couch, it just hurts thinking that will never happen again. Those memories haunt me wherever I go if it is even remotely connected to what I am doing. But I completely understand what you are stating, I know i'd feel the exact same way if I was in your situation and I am truly sorry you are feeling this way Panda . Yeah, the ex and I have been NC for about a week...he basically told me he wasn't completely ready to let me go (SELFISH!!) but didn't think we'd work out...so I told him I can't talk to him anymore. I did everything in my power that I can do to make it work and I guess I can say that I am satisfied with at least knowing I tried my hardest to make it work. But I came to the realization with this time apart where I realized that I am a 'catch' and eventually, if not soon, he will regret giving up on us so easily. But thinking this way does not help me to stop thinking about him, what we could have had, and I still really miss him everyday.
Author pandagirl Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 It's not that we won't share those moments anymore, we never even GOT to have those moments. We never even got a chance to have a real relationships. I feel so completely gutted about that. But, it'd good to hear you are doing better! Have you been NC with him? QUOTE] Yeah, I think it's almost a double-edged sword though. I completely agree where you feel like you've almost be cheated out of those memories with him but at the same time (like what Banker Chick was stating), it's those exact moments that make it so hard for me to completely move on...like when 'our' favorite show comes on tv that we used to watch together and snuggle on the couch, it just hurts thinking that will never happen again. Those memories haunt me wherever I go if it is even remotely connected to what I am doing. But I completely understand what you are stating, I know i'd feel the exact same way if I was in your situation and I am truly sorry you are feeling this way Panda . Yeah, the ex and I have been NC for about a week...he basically told me he wasn't completely ready to let me go (SELFISH!!) but didn't think we'd work out...so I told him I can't talk to him anymore. I did everything in my power that I can do to make it work and I guess I can say that I am satisfied with at least knowing I tried my hardest to make it work. But I came to the realization with this time apart where I realized that I am a 'catch' and eventually, if not soon, he will regret giving up on us so easily. But thinking this way does not help me to stop thinking about him, what we could have had, and I still really miss him everyday. Of course you miss him, and I'm sure he misses you, too, but he's not in a place to be in a relationship with you. Take it day by day and it will get better. Soon the bad days will be outnumbered by the good days. Honestly, if you truly loved someone, I don't think you ever stop loving them. You will always carry them in your heart. But at some point, it will stop being painful.
Hopelesslyforgotten Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Of course you miss him, and I'm sure he misses you, too, but he's not in a place to be in a relationship with you. Take it day by day and it will get better. Soon the bad days will be outnumbered by the good days. Honestly, if you truly loved someone, I don't think you ever stop loving them. You will always carry them in your heart. But at some point, it will stop being painful. Thank you Panda, I always love talking with you....you always make me feel better That's what i've been doing, taking it day by day...I realized I needed to stop looking so far ahead into the future and just take this breakup one step at a time. But I can definitely tell you that I am looking forward to the point where thinking about him no longer makes me want to cry!! I truly agree with what you stated about loving someone...I really do feel that he will always just have a place in my heart..
Author pandagirl Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 Thank you Panda, I always love talking with you....you always make me feel better That's what i've been doing, taking it day by day...I realized I needed to stop looking so far ahead into the future and just take this breakup one step at a time. But I can definitely tell you that I am looking forward to the point where thinking about him no longer makes me want to cry!! I truly agree with what you stated about loving someone...I really do feel that he will always just have a place in my heart.. I think REAL love is rare. Being in love with someone is very special. You never forget that or those people. I know, the times I feel really horrible is when I look into the future, because I don't want to live without him in my life, but the future is unwritten and we have no control over it anyway. That's what I keep on telling myself when I feel overwhelmed. Hey, you're from Savannah! I went there with my ex.
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