oasis1 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Hi guys I have spoken to all my close friends about my situation...all have given me different advice on what to do so im coming to you in need of help So there's this girl..... Ill give you a brief background. I am 29, split with fiance of 6 years back in Sep 09...went a bit off the rails for 6 months then starting calming down. So I met this girl in my town about Feb 2010....instant connection, spent the night kissing / chatting. Got her details, for once got that "Wow" feeling that I very rarely get. When we chatted night we met, transpired that she split from her ex of 2 years (v serious relationship) in Sep 2009 as well...but that she was seeing another guy...who she got with almost instantly after splitting from her ex, had been seeing for 5 months. This guy, was in army, 14 years older than her (36) with 9 year old daughter......I read this as a classic rebound. Anyway we text / chatted online, and met up in London where i work 2-3 days a week. We hit it off like a house on fire, and although she was feeling really guilty about seeing me, it was very casual drinks / diner, we ended up meeting about 4-5 times. After each date, texts etc were quite intense, but we never touched / kissed at all...but there was a connection. Anyway i was getting more and more into her, came to a head the last time we went out, sent her a message after asking if anything was going to change or if she could see us together. She said she was in tough position, she really liked me but didnt want to hurt her BF so we agreed not to meet up any more......i was gutted... 6 months go by and my friend comes back from travelling, saying he bumped into some people this girl used to live with. I send her a quick text, just mentioning it, she sends one back seeing if i wanted to meet up with her.....(ALARM BELLS). I check out her Fb and sure enough she is single. I don’t let on, text a bit and end up meeting up again as before....this time though she is single and explains relationship with older guy didn’t end particularly well, was quite upsetting etc, but that she’s happy being single. We end up kissing at the end of the first night after meeting up again….both agreed it was well overdue and was very nice We then see each other a few more times, she’s living with family at this stage looking for a new flat. We stayed at her family’s and had a night in…our first following first time we were meeting up…again long overdue! We end up getting intimate but not sleeping together. From there on we talk everyday on messenger, she has been to stay with me for 2 weekends now, I have been and stayed at her flat she has now moved into a good 3-4 times and we are sleeping together. I have met her friends at her house warming once, she has met 2 sets of my friends when she has stayed at mine. Since we got back in contact have been seeing each other for almost 2 months, and has all moved fairly quickly..... I arranged to work in London last Friday and we were due to meet up with some of my uni friends which was due to be drinks initially. It ended up being full sit down meal with 4 of my good friends…and their long term GF’s. It was a nice evening, and she said so.... but I even thought directly after, might have been too much too soon ! We spoke a bit night after and then got the below message Sunday morning: “To reiterate what I was trying to say, I'm in a difficult situation as I really like you, But my head isn't in the right place, dinner on fri was so lovely, but it was quite full on, talking about meeting parents and how long we've been together .... I'm just not ready and it hit home .... Im not trying to say I don't like you or not happy together as I really do and am, but not ready for a relationship, and I feel like we are massively headed that way, Or kind of already there, if u get me. Xxxxxx. So just feel I had to tell you that as think its important. We can talk about it later properly if you like babe? I don't want to end up hurting you as I adore you” So….i get the above and my heart sinks….but I go back and play it cool, explaining that meal with friends was never meant to be heavy, and that im happy with the way things are in just terms of seeing each other, spending time together etc …which I sort of am….but now Im massively concerned im loosing / lost her. We have spoke everyday since but her responses have been a lot less frequent and usually short….and I do usually work on instinct and for the last 3 days ive been tearing my hair out, thinking about ever message, reading things into what she is saying….looking for deeper meanings. Im now in a position where im scared to ask if she wants to meet up in case she says “no” and its just another shot to the heart. This girl is the only real one that has stood out for me since my ex and I split about a year ago. I don’t know what to do…whether to have an open conversation on where we’re heading or just leave it and continue as things are and hope for the best ?? Or just completely ease off , hold back and let her come to me…which ill test if she’s interested or not ?? YOUR HELP PLEASE….
Sabali Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) There is no need to tear your hair out analyzing the relationship between you and her any longer. She does not see you as a potential boyfriend. “To reiterate what I was trying to say, I'm in a difficult situation as I really like you, But my head isn't in the right place, dinner on fri was so lovely, but it was quite full on, talking about meeting parents and how long we've been together .... I'm just not ready and it hit home .... Im not trying to say I don't like you or not happy together as I really do and am, but not ready for a relationship, and I feel like we are massively headed that way, Or kind of already there, if u get me. Xxxxxx. So just feel I had to tell you that as think its important. We can talk about it later properly if you like babe? I don't want to end up hurting you as I adore you” [/Quote]When a lady is into you, she simply does not write messages like this to the man of her interest. It's all in here. It is so clear but it is hard for you to see because I suspect that you still feel a void from your past relationship. All you need to know is right in the above message she sent you. She is trying to let you down easy so don't make it hard for her or she will only get more heartless with sending you the message. You relatively recently broke up with your fiance who you dated for 6 years. Expect it to take about half that time to completely get her out of your system. It is still relatively early since your split from her and you may be still want to replace her. This lady will not be a good replacement simply because she does not look at you the same way that you look at her. Again, it's all in the above message. There is no need to analyze any other message she has given you but that one. It's saying "you better run or I will hurt you because you like me and I don't like you the same way. Consider this a warning." Now, you may try to rationalize things so that you may give yourself another shot at her and continue to chase her. You simply shouldn't miss the clear message here. Everything else in life is ambiguous except for the message she has sent you. Edited October 20, 2010 by Sabali
Author oasis1 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 I get where your coming from, I have spoken to her since these messages, made it clear that im happy to just continue "seeing each other" and that the whole meal thing wasnt intentional...she did reply simply saying it was "lovely but a bit too soon" We have messeged each other quite a bit on Monday/Tuesday and were discussing about plans to come to see me next month etc. I am trying hard not to send 1st message's and she is still messaging me, and phoned last night. ...i suppose there is every chance that she is, maybe not interntionally as i dont think she's like that...but using me to help get over the last two relationships potentially, the last one ending pretty badly? I know she is very attracted to me and we are extreamly sexually compatible Can i save this one - i am actually really into this girl and she ticks alot of the boxes my ex didnt I take your point on trying to find a relplacement for my ex, i am trying hard not to do that as much as possible. i am now very worried that im not going to see again...
Sabali Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Trust me, she can smell your anxiety miles away and it will continue to work against you. Resist the temptation to see things that are not there. Why do you think I said that in my previous post? I said it because it is one of the greatest pitfalls we men make when pursuing a woman that is not interested in having a relationship with us. Someone on the outside looking in and not clouded by emotions and desires tell you that you have a snowball's chance in hell with a lady. All you can think about is how she kissed you or stood up on the phone all night talking to you in a sweet voice or looked you in the eyes one night. I will bludgeon you over the head with this important point again: Women who are interested in having a relationship with you do not send messages like the one she sent you. Period. They just don't do it. The killer here is that she specifically stated that she doesn't want to end up hurting you. That is the nail in the coffin, guy. It is the nail in the coffin. Women don't say that to guys they can see themselves holding hands on the beach with in the future and breaking headboards with. If she really liked you in that way, she will not tell you this out of fear of running you off if there was some potential there. They say this when their mind is made up. If you are the researching type, continue to pursue her and find out for yourself. Make sure you come back to publish your results for the next guy who will try to work himself around a similar message. Messages received from a woman like the one you got is called "evening time" around here.
Sauvignon Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I have to agree with Sabali. It may be tough to hear, but if any girl writes what she wrote, then there is no chance. She really likes you and I am sure she intends to aim for the friend zone, but she won't do that before she is sure that the chemicals are out of your system. She has likely seen it enough times in her life, a friend zone too early means that the guy will end up hoping for something more for years. But yeah, the does not end up hurting you bit really is the nail in the coffin, as Sabali pointed out. Girls do not do that. People who come off a long-term relationship can be broken for many years, easily getting into these short-term things while trying to redefine themselves and their values. This is why the connection was so quick, but as you pointed it out yourself, her first relationship was a rebound. It is very likely that so were you. Sorry mate, I really know it's tough to hear. It took me a long time to recover from one of the girls, who emotionally instantly connected with me handful years ago. You are at your most vulnerable, if pieces of you are missing from a past relationship or you really do not yet know how to define yourself, it's easy to fall head over heels in love with anyone who might fill the void. But it hurts in the end.
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