does the crime fit the punishment?

[youhadme]

Not really sure this is the forum to post this but going thru a lot of you are going thru. Hoping some of you can give me feedbackbri]Dated my ex for nine months on and off. During this time I believe I had been nothing but good to him-always happy to see but gave him his space when needed (and he needed a lot). He had commitment issues which, I think, he was working on during our relationship. The wkend before he broke up with me my married ex bf came to town to help me with a project and the plan was for him to stay at my house. I was open and honest with my bf telling him nothing would happen and that he was welcomed to stay over or whatever he was comfortable with. My bf didn’t want to come over and asked me to stay in constant communication with him, which I did. The only thing he asked was that my bf not be in my bed. Needless to say, my ex watched a movie with me in my room.

 

After the weeknd was over, I was honest and told him that although nothing physically happened he was in my bed. He told me he couldn’t forgive me and promptly broke up with me…told me all of his feelings for me were over and he didn’t feel the same for me. I begged forgiveness (for what I am not really sure) but I did and begged to be taken back. After this night, I went nc and he never contacted me until I contacted him. I texted him one night about a month later with something small and to my surprise he showed up at my house. Since I was so happy, I welcomed him and he spent the night with me. The next day, he ignored me until I asked him what last night meant. He told me it was just sex…I asked him to come over to discuss it and he did…again telling me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. After this, I contacted him twice casually to make conversation and although he replied, he did not pursue anything else. Since then I have not heard from him.

My question, was the weekend just an excuse to break up with me (he told the Thursday prior to my ex coming over that he loved me for the first time)? Could my one lapse of judgment moment really have caused him to be completely over me? I’m just confused because he finally got to “love” and then it was over….my friends say the weekend was only an excuse to break up with me. The last time we were together (our “hookup” night) I told him I began dating someone else (again probably too honest)—But in my defense, he had let me go, so I was free to do what I wanted. Although I am still dating this guy and he is great….I can’t really move forward. I miss my ex and want him back. It has been a long month but I have not contacted him again. Any feedback/insight would be appreciated

[redmelon]

you acted like you didn't have a boyfriend in front of your ex, and now you really don't. Actions have consequences. I think it's unreasonable to expect your current bf to be okay with your ex spending the night and having casual tv sessions in the bedroom. Ridiculous. Live and learn...

[Tincup]

I would of had the same reaction that your BF did. You were honest with him about the whole situation, but he was honest with you as well saying to please not have him in your bed, and you did the one thing that he didn't feel comfortable with.

[youhadme]

thanks for your thoughts....

 

Tincup, that's how you would have reacted? even if in love? walk away completely? Anything that would have changed your mind?

 

Redmelon, harsh I think...ridiculous? really? it was only tv..

and he was always welcomed.... just trying to explain my rationale.

[fabio10]

' Even in love' love and respect goes hand in hand you showed no respect to your BF he asked you a simple request and you totally ignored him and shared a bed with your ex most normal people would have told their ex to get a hotel, I think you behaved very senseless and selfish your BF owes you nothing Im sorry but I think you are very immature.

Edited October 20, 2010 by fabio10

[PegNosePete]

You don't seem very forthcoming with exactly what happened between you and your ex. You watched a movie in your room with him sitting on your bed? What happened after that, did he sleep in your bed with you in it as well? Or did he go back to the spare bed/couch/floor?

[kaycstamper]

You cross his deal-breaker boundary so he cut you loose. You really left him no choice because he would have had no respect for himself if he'd accepted your behavior and chosen to ignore it. Love has nothing to do with it. We all have to decide for ourselves what we will or will not live with.

 

He may have felt torn or curious which is why he came back to see you, but he still knew it was over.

 

Now you can't move on? You seem like you want what you can't have. It's not the wisest thing to jump from one relationship to another, it's best to give yourself time to get over one before involving another. Now you stand to hurt yet another soul. Do the world a favor and swear off guys until you have yourself together.

[redmelon]

 

Redmelon, harsh I think...ridiculous? really?

 

I stand by what I wrote and no, I don't think it's harsh at all. What IS harsh is how you treated your boyfriend.

[youhadme]

You don't seem very forthcoming with exactly what happened between you and your ex. You watched a movie in your room with him sitting on your bed? What happened after that, did he sleep in your bed with you in it as well? Or did he go back to the spare bed/couch/floor?

 

We watched a movie laying in my bed, both of us on top of the comforter....what happened after that is he went to sleep in the spare bedroom.

[Am4Real]

thanks for your thoughts....

 

Tincup, that's how you would have reacted? even if in love? walk away completely? Anything that would have changed your mind?

 

Redmelon, harsh I think...ridiculous? really? it was only tv..

and he was always welcomed.... just trying to explain my rationale.

 

RedMelon is very correct. Your rationale is not logical and insensitive.

 

All actions have consequences both good and bad. Your actions are ridiculous and insensitive regardless of your interpretations.

 

You must learn my by this mistake and be more sensitive to those you care for, after all I'll bet your EX #2 is thinking you care for EX #1 more than him. Get it now?

[youhadme]

I understand the criticism I have received but am surprised at all the same responses. All my close friends say he was looking for an out and this one event was it--but understand they may be biased.

 

I understand I was wrong (e.g. selfish, senseless), I get it. I made a mistake and must live with the outcome. But I am no different from anyone on this site, trying to get over a break up. Prior to this incident i was a model gf..he even told me once I was the perfect gf...no hangups, drama, drugs,etc. Immature? I don't think so but as you can read far from perfect.

 

In any case (disgust aside) any advice? Try to maintain friendly contact? May be one day his feelings for me will change? Or continue nc and see if he ever comes around? Part of me feels that by staying away and not apologizing more, he will think I am happy with my new man. I am dating again as I have read many post that say we must go out there and move on. I am only dating casually and making it clear so not to hurt anyone, but again it is not the same.

[Am4Real]

I understand the criticism I have received but am surprised at all the same responses. All my close friends say he was looking for an out and this one event was it--but understand they may be biased.

 

I understand I was wrong (e.g. selfish, senseless), I get it. I made a mistake and must live with the outcome. But I am no different from anyone on this site, trying to get over a break up. Prior to this incident i was a model gf..he even told me once I was the perfect gf...no hangups, drama, drugs,etc. Immature? I don't think so but as you can read far from perfect.

 

In any case (disgust aside) any advice? Try to maintain friendly contact? May be one day his feelings for me will change? Or continue nc and see if he ever comes around? Part of me feels that by staying away and not apologizing more, he will think I am happy with my new man. I am dating again as I have read many post that say we must go out there and move on. I am only dating casually and making it clear so not to hurt anyone, but again it is not the same.

 

Dear YouHadMe,

 

Please don’t receive our comments incorrectly. None of us, especially established and supporting members, mean you any harm or are intentionally trying to make you feel bad. We are all here for reasons much like yours, even if they may have been long ago. Most of us stick around to help others sort out their emotions and work through their pain. You are here in need of advice and we are simply providing you with our thoughts which are normally based on experience or how we might react.

 

Sometimes it can come across a little blunt and plain-spoken, nonetheless these straight words are easiest to understand.

 

I think if you put yourself in EX #2’s position or if you’re ever in his position you will understand how those in a relationship view loyalties. It doesn’t matter to him that it was just a television show or movie; it was the setting of EX#1 and you and his imagination running crazy that he simply said “I cannot not nor will I be subject to this type of disrespect”.

 

For now I would realize your mistake (regardless of how you interpret your own actions and intentions) and let the situation be. Know full well that EX’s will always been viewed as threats by new relationships so even if you move on with a new person very soon, EX #2 will be seen as a threat or interference.

 

Does that make sense to you?

 

Now that you have realized your mistake and will let the situation be, perhaps in the near future you will cross paths with EX#2 (and I don’t mean intentionally stalk or seek him out). Let fate take its course. If you do cross paths, give him an honest apology and tell him you had no idea how your actions affected him and the same actions would have likely affected you. Tell him you are very sorry!

 

If you really feel you want to tell him before fate has you meet up, I would wait a few days but no more than three days and ask him for coffee and tell him what you have learned. If he rejects you then you move on knowing you are smarter now than you were before; perhaps he will accept your apology and you as well and you will have come through a very challenging time for the better.

 

[highlight]Either way you have to be totally convinced he is right and you were wrong otherwise you are only fooling fate and fate shall not be fooled[/highlight].

 

Best wishes,

 

Am4Real

[PegNosePete]

We watched a movie laying in my bed, both of us on top of the comforter....what happened after that is he went to sleep in the spare bedroom.

I'm going to disagree with the majority here. If this is genuinely all that happened (ie. you basically used the bed as a sofa without being under any covers and no contact with each other), then I think you did nothing wrong.

 

Technically, yes you did the one thing your BF told you not to do, so he is within his rights to dump you, according to the letter of the rules. But IMO it is definitely an excessive punishment if as you say, it was all innocent, and you were essentially using the bed in the same way you would use a sofa.

[alwayshoping]

Hey,

my ex had your mentality that she could chill with her ex and i hated it! She couldnt see the problem so I let it slide because I loved her too much. But my guy mates told me to dump her as it was disrespectful and whenever we argued about it she would end up saying I was over reacting. I think sometimes peer pressure from friends (esp if their gfs dont do that) influences a guys mentallity.

 

Sometimes they just want a girl to put their feeling first before other guys and if she doesnt do that then they leave as they know they can find someone who will.

 

I know you probably were the perfect gf so dont beat yourself up about it, and perhaps in realising your mistake he can forgive you? or at least it wont ruin anymore relationships x

[youhadme]

Thank Am4Real...I appreciate your insight and everyone elses feedback.

 

But my problem is it has been 4 weeks of nc...since my night of shame. That night I didn't apologize again because we really didn't talk about the break up...it was more about catching up and sex.

 

But initially when broke up with me, I did. Telling him I was sorry, I misunderstood the seriousness of it, etc., ...but i am sure he knew at that point I didn't really get it. Because then I didn't and now I do. So what to do? Call him up after all this time and say I get it...it was how I made you feel, (not I'm sorry I misunderstood, like last time). How pathetic would that be? He could alway be like get over it, I did, enjoy your new guy.

 

I don't know, I have able to go nc bc each day in the beginning i would tell myself, I'll make contact tomorrow or wait he may contact you. but now its been so long and it would be akward. He said we would remain friends but he hasn't contacted me.

[Am4Real]

But my problem is it has been 4 weeks of nc...since my night of shame. That night I didn't apologize again because we really didn't talk about the break up...it was more about catching up and sex.

 

 

YouHadMe,

 

You are VERY SMART and come with wisdom in knowing that if you break NO CONTACT you are surely about to return to day zero. Any of the healing you have already accomplished, even if it is only a little, will be erased. Therefore you need to be very careful as you seem to be at this moment.

 

However you are also caught in a dilemma. You are one of the few who truly realize the complexity of the mistake you made. By your own admission you dismissed his complaint or issue in the beginning but have come to see his point of view and understand how it affected him.

 

Perhaps he over-reacted; perhaps he’s really not into you; perhaps he thought you would never understand how he feels or felt about the incident and be sorry, truly sorry, for inviting an EX to your home. Honestly, if you’re committed to healing yourself from this break-up and remain in NO CONTACT you will never know.

 

On the other hand if you believe he is not contacting you for the very latter of the reasons I’ve mentioned above (he thought you would never understand how he feels or felt about the incident and be sorry, truly sorry for inviting an EX to your home) you could take it upon yourself to address this situation one more final time. Just be prepared you have a one in three chance of being right and an unknown chance he will respond in your favor, regardless. And as mentioned if he rejects you, you will go back to day zero and be in a deeper emotional mess that you might be today.

 

So ask yourself this…is he REALLY WORTH IT? Is he really your FOREVER guy or are you simply wishing for another chance with him?

 

If you’re unsure then I think it’s best to let him go and continue healing; you will then be ready for the next really great guy that comes along and sweeps you off your feet and you’ll have learned a very valuable lesson about EX boyfriends mixing with current boyfriends!

 

Am4Real

[sartrelazyeye]

Not really sure this is the forum to post this but going thru a lot of you are going thru. Hoping some of you can give me feedbackbri]Dated my ex for nine months on and off. During this time I believe I had been nothing but good to him-always happy to see but gave him his space when needed (and he needed a lot). He had commitment issues which, I think, he was working on during our relationship. The wkend before he broke up with me my married ex bf came to town to help me with a project and the plan was for him to stay at my house. I was open and honest with my bf telling him nothing would happen and that he was welcomed to stay over or whatever he was comfortable with. My bf didn’t want to come over and asked me to stay in constant communication with him, which I did. The only thing he asked was that my bf not be in my bed. Needless to say, my ex watched a movie with me in my room.

 

After the weeknd was over, I was honest and told him that although nothing physically happened he was in my bed. He told me he couldn’t forgive me and promptly broke up with me…told me all of his feelings for me were over and he didn’t feel the same for me. I begged forgiveness (for what I am not really sure) but I did and begged to be taken back. After this night, I went nc and he never contacted me until I contacted him. I texted him one night about a month later with something small and to my surprise he showed up at my house. Since I was so happy, I welcomed him and he spent the night with me. The next day, he ignored me until I asked him what last night meant. He told me it was just sex…I asked him to come over to discuss it and he did…again telling me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. After this, I contacted him twice casually to make conversation and although he replied, he did not pursue anything else. Since then I have not heard from him.

My question, was the weekend just an excuse to break up with me (he told the Thursday prior to my ex coming over that he loved me for the first time)? Could my one lapse of judgment moment really have caused him to be completely over me? I’m just confused because he finally got to “love” and then it was over….my friends say the weekend was only an excuse to break up with me. The last time we were together (our “hookup” night) I told him I began dating someone else (again probably too honest)—But in my defense, he had let me go, so I was free to do what I wanted. Although I am still dating this guy and he is great….I can’t really move forward. I miss my ex and want him back. It has been a long month but I have not contacted him again. Any feedback/insight would be appreciated

 

Eh, hmm. It's understandable that he was angry...but, a little silly to break up with you over it...

[youhadme]

[QUOTE]

So ask yourself this…is he REALLY WORTH IT? Is he really your FOREVER guy or are you simply wishing for another chance with him?

 

If you’re unsure then I think it’s best to let him go and continue healing; you will then be ready for the next really great guy that comes along and sweeps you off your feet and you’ll have learned a very valuable lesson about EX boyfriends mixing with current boyfriends!

 

Am4Real

 

Wow Am4Real....you're good. You have given me a lot to think about. Is he my Forever guy? mmm...don't know, probably not. I will think about this.

 

And you are right...a good lesson learned...for whatever reason I have never really cared about what any current bf thinks about my relationship with my ex (ex bf #1-the one that spent the weekend with me). As ex bf #1 has been a best friend for many years (again he is married) and I have probably foolishly put that relationship above all others and have put many guys off. But again, I never cared about their feelings on this matter (until now). Maybe I should, and let ex bf #1 go before anyone lets me go again!

 

Thanks! you do a good service here.