Emotionally Unavailable Men + Foreign, Non Western Women

[theBrokenMuse]

I said: people should be together with whomever they want.

Which was not what was being discussed. The conversation has not about two messed up individuals who are in a working albeit dysfunctional relationship. - at all. At least until you threw it in at the very end of your last post. So your whole strawman argument is utterly baffling. In fact when I brought up:

 

"There is a difference between accepting that people are messed up in some ways and saying that someone with a proclivity to cause a lot of damage to others in a relationship should be actively seeking out relationships because it might bring them 'happiness' even if at the expense of the emotional well being of others. That is wrong. Period."

 

"So then I guess they should get off their arses and work on bettering themselves to the point where they can handle a relationship without all the collateral damage."

 

You did not agree with these sentiments.

 

That means that you, by default, are taking the stance that if others are in a position in which they if have the proclivity to harm others because of their emotional issues they should just keep on trucking irregardless and that is what I was referring to but nice try on the bait and switch.

 

 

You imply that this automatically leads to doom and destruction, unless the people conform to some arbitrary definition of what you think is healthy.

There are varying degrees of dysfunctionality but there is still a pretty vast difference between destructive relationship patterns vs healthier ones and the types of people that are likely to engage in such behaviors aren't exactly foreign to those who have any knowledge of abnormal psychology.

 

The good news is: It does not. It might sometimes, but most likely will not.

The people who have the inability to engage in a relationship that's not destructive are most likely not damaging those they interact with?

[theBrokenMuse]

By my logic, an imperfect person can likely find themselves in a relationship with another imperfect person.

FFS, there is no perfect. Everything is imperfect but there are different degrees of danger when it comes to people being emotionally imbalanced. There is a difference between the key dangers of being involved with a psychopath and a person suffering from mild depression just as there is a vast difference between someone who can't contribute to your emotional well being in a relationship and one who can. Why does this even need to be said?!

Edited October 20, 2010 by theBrokenMuse

[Taramere]

There's a poster on here named Amerikijan I think. He always struck me as the EA type, and then he posted recently that he married a foreign woman. Just for one LS example.

 

Johan/Hot Carl would be another example. Great, intelligent guy, but emotionally unavailable by his own admission. And I recall his ex (who he's still hung up on) was a non Western woman.

 

You must have been lurking on here for a hell of a long time to feel able to make such personal assessments.

[bayouboi]

FFS, there is no perfect. Everything is imperfect but there are different degrees of danger when it comes to people being emotionally imbalanced. There is a difference between the key dangers of being involved with a psychopath and a person suffering from mild depression just as there is a vast difference between someone who can't contribute to your emotional well being in a relationship and one who can. Why does this even need to be said?!

 

My apologies, I assumed you were posting on the OP's topic of "Emotionally Unavailable Men + Foreign, Non Western Women". I did not realize you were trying to make some sort of off topic, irrelevant point on another matter.

[Knittress]

You must have been lurking on here for a hell of a long time to feel able to make such personal assessments.

 

I heard somewhere that only 1% of people who read a thread on the internet actually post in it. We all do it so casually nowadays, but if you think about it's totally creepy how these words might be read and re-read for decades...

[krz12]

Good post! I can relate a lot of what OP says in the relationship between my parents.

 

My mother is Asian (Korean), my father Caucasian (English). They met in India and my mother did not know any English. My father taught my mother English through broken Hindi (which they both knew very little of). Somehow, they managed to communicate enough to have me, and get married.

 

Now, they can communicate perfectly. But all those years ago, I have no idea how their relationship worked.

 

They are polar opposites in everyway and come from completely different walks of life. I am always wondering how dad can put up with mum's ignorance and narrow minded attitude. Dad is interested in current affairs and politics and philosophy, and mother is well, not. They are clearly on different wavelengths as far as intelligence is concerned and I feel like dad could've found someone WAY more suited to him. Someone who he could engage in real deep conversations with and not mundane superficial crap.

 

Despite this. He seems to be happy. She seems to be happy. Blows my mind.

 

My parents are the same way. To the outward viewer, they appear to, well, be roommates.

 

 

But its really way off the mark to describe people like this as 'emotionally unavailable'. There's a lot of cultures like this in the world, and by objective accounts they do better than the 'sex and the city' types.

[theBrokenMuse]

My apologies, I assumed you were posting on the OP's topic of "Emotionally Unavailable Men + Foreign, Non Western Women". I did not realize you were trying to make some sort of off topic, irrelevant point on another matter.

And this post that was directed at me is relevant to the topic? Why would she (I'm assuming a she here) settle for anything less than perfection??? By golly she, and every other woman out there, is a princess and deserves a perfect prince!

 

 

[Taramere]

I heard somewhere that only 1% of people who read a thread on the internet actually post in it. We all do it so casually nowadays, but if you think about it's totally creepy how these words might be read and re-read for decades...

 

Oh God. I'm going to make myself emotionally unavailable to that thought.

[stillafool]

I have a theory. Perma bachelors, commitment phobes, emotionally unavailable men: with whom do they finally settle down? By and large, foreign women, especially those from non-Western cultures. I see this everywhere. My cousin, a lifelong bachelor just married a Korean raised woman. They have nothing in common and their conversations are dull, but that's the way he likes it.

 

Why is this pairing so common? The language and cultural barrier provides a natural distance in the relationship. These couples don't have that deep intellectual, spiritual connection that women so often crave and emotionally unavailable men are unwilling to give. Furthermore the women tend to passively go along with this arrangement since they come from cultures where women have more subjugated roles.

 

A good celebrity example is Woody Allen. Yes, he's a creeper, but it's interesting to watch the dynamic between him and his wife in a documentary. They have nothing in common, and she's obviously not on his intelligence level. They don't talk about much.

 

In other words, it's not a meeting of the minds or souls in such a relationship. The man sees the woman as an escape from his mind. She is a pleasant vacation spot, where he can hang out, sip a beer and look blankly into space.

 

Usually these relationships have a routine but lack depth.

 

Emotionally unavailable men tend to compartmentalize women. They don't want everything in a partner. A woman provides sex, regularity, some light companionship, some mom behaviors and not much else.

 

This is a typical scene.

 

A guy sitting on a couch, one arm dangled lightly around his girlfriend's shoulder, the other dangling over the arm rest with a beer in hand. A large flat screen television plays a sports game in the background. Across the room the man's best friend sits. They are having a lively conversation. His girlfriend sits mutely next to him, texting her girlfriend on her blackberry. Every so often she gets up to replenish the bowl of nachos sitting on the coffee table, to which she is treated with "thanks baby" and a kiss. His girlfriend is pretty, girly and has little in common with him, but they get along and have a familiar, pleasant routine. This is a picture of the ideal relationship for an emotionally unavailable man.

 

Hmm, what is your theory as to whom emotionally unavailable women will marry?

[Scottdmw]

OP, your post comes across as angry at men, and blaming of men while absolving women of responsibility.

 

You say that women crave a “deep intellectual, spiritual connection”. By contrast, you talk about a large category of men who are “perma bachelors, commitment phobes, and emotionally unavailable”. Makes it sound like the men are really shallow and lacking in character while the women are great people who are unappreciated. The men want to sit on the couch and watch TV while they are served by the women, and of course there is never a time when they do something for the women in return.

 

I think the reality for many average men in this country right now is that they would like to have a deep intellectual and spiritual connection with a woman, but women will not give them the time of day because they don’t find the men attractive enough, interesting enough, tall enough, with a good enough job, or whatever. Women may very well want a deep spiritual connection with a man, but only with a man they find sexually attractive-- they have absolutely no interest in such a thing with a man who is not attractive to them based on any one of a long list of reasons. At least some of these emotionally unavailable men you talk about got that way after being burned a number of times by their relationships with women.

 

Read a few of the other posts here on LS-- posts where women talk about all of men's shortcomings such as they didn't realize they had to go for the kiss by date 2, or maybe they screwed up and went for it on date 1. Maybe they waited three days to call back rather than two. All kinds of things like that where women are willing to just categorically reject a man for the most trivial of reasons, and ultimately because the man failed to make the woman feel a strong sense of sexual attraction very quickly. Read all the posts by men who are trying online dating, who send out dozens of messages and get no responses from women. Then, a woman like you will complain that these men got tired of that treatment and decided to go with the foreign woman who thinks he's great.

 

So we come to the second part of your issue, that these men finally end up with foreigners. Does it bother you that a beautiful foreign woman would want to be with a man that you think is a loser, and not just to be with him but to treat him better than you would treat any man? From your post it comes across like this bothers you a lot. Yet, these two people are happy together. They both chose such a relationship, freely, when they could have chosen other things. They both choose to stay in it. I think it's obvious that it must be the best thing for each of them, even if you don't approve. You apparently think that these women should be able to do better, yet obviously they can't or why would they choose the relationship? You blame their choice on their “subjugation”-- another way of blaming men, rather than allowing for the possibility they might actually be making a wise decision based on their circumstances.

 

I think the basic issue here is that you have an unrealistic idea of what a good man is. You don't realize that a man who is very average in the US, even a “loser” by US standards, is considered quite a catch by worldwide standards. You look at a small subset of US men who have everything you think a man should, which is quite a long list. Only maybe 1% of the population of the world meet your idea of what a really good man is, yet you convince yourself that that is what every woman in the world needs to hold out for. Then, when some poor foreign woman accepts a man who doesn't, you judge her because she didn't hold out for the same thing you are.

 

I think that more American men should marry foreigners. I think they can get a better deal that way.

[bayouboi]

OP, your post comes across as angry at men, and blaming of men while absolving women of responsibility.

 

You say that women crave a “deep intellectual, spiritual connection”. By contrast, you talk about a large category of men who are “perma bachelors, commitment phobes, and emotionally unavailable”. Makes it sound like the men are really shallow and lacking in character while the women are great people who are unappreciated. The men want to sit on the couch and watch TV while they are served by the women, and of course there is never a time when they do something for the women in return.

 

I think the reality for many average men in this country right now is that they would like to have a deep intellectual and spiritual connection with a woman, but women will not give them the time of day because they don’t find the men attractive enough, interesting enough, tall enough, with a good enough job, or whatever. Women may very well want a deep spiritual connection with a man, but only with a man they find sexually attractive-- they have absolutely no interest in such a thing with a man who is not attractive to them based on any one of a long list of reasons. At least some of these emotionally unavailable men you talk about got that way after being burned a number of times by their relationships with women.

 

Read a few of the other posts here on LS-- posts where women talk about all of men's shortcomings such as they didn't realize they had to go for the kiss by date 2, or maybe they screwed up and went for it on date 1. Maybe they waited three days to call back rather than two. All kinds of things like that where women are willing to just categorically reject a man for the most trivial of reasons, and ultimately because the man failed to make the woman feel a strong sense of sexual attraction very quickly. Read all the posts by men who are trying online dating, who send out dozens of messages and get no responses from women. Then, a woman like you will complain that these men got tired of that treatment and decided to go with the foreign woman who thinks he's great.

 

So we come to the second part of your issue, that these men finally end up with foreigners. Does it bother you that a beautiful foreign woman would want to be with a man that you think is a loser, and not just to be with him but to treat him better than you would treat any man? From your post it comes across like this bothers you a lot. Yet, these two people are happy together. They both chose such a relationship, freely, when they could have chosen other things. They both choose to stay in it. I think it's obvious that it must be the best thing for each of them, even if you don't approve. You apparently think that these women should be able to do better, yet obviously they can't or why would they choose the relationship? You blame their choice on their “subjugation”-- another way of blaming men, rather than allowing for the possibility they might actually be making a wise decision based on their circumstances.

 

I think the basic issue here is that you have an unrealistic idea of what a good man is. You don't realize that a man who is very average in the US, even a “loser” by US standards, is considered quite a catch by worldwide standards. You look at a small subset of US men who have everything you think a man should, which is quite a long list. Only maybe 1% of the population of the world meet your idea of what a really good man is, yet you convince yourself that that is what every woman in the world needs to hold out for. Then, when some poor foreign woman accepts a man who doesn't, you judge her because she didn't hold out for the same thing you are.

 

I think that more American men should marry foreigners. I think they can get a better deal that way.

 

My God, *standing ovation* brother.

[souvlaki]

You must have been lurking on here for a hell of a long time to feel able to make such personal assessments.

 

that's accurate.

[Pyro]

to have a woman like that would be boring. I'm glad I'm not emotionally unavailable.

 

I feel sorry for any woman who would be in a relationship like that.

[souvlaki]

OK, I guess it was inevitable that my thread would offend some people. It was meant partly tongue in cheek, but I really believe there's a grain of salt there.

 

By the way, I'm not necessarily talking about men that some would define as losers. None of the examples I know in real life would qualify as "losers." They are all guys with options.

 

I think it's interesting that it's been mentioned how some nerdy men are drawn to foreign, particularly Asian women. That is another common element of this. But I'd argue that nerdy men of this sort tend to be more emotionally unavailable on average. Think of somebody with Aspergers as the extreme version. So, if I had to take a guess, it's a confluence of reasons that draw perma bachelors to foreign women.

[souvlaki]

to have a woman like that would be boring. I'm glad I'm not emotionally unavailable.

 

I feel sorry for any woman who would be in a relationship like that.

 

I agree, but I think in these relationships both partners are often content. The guy typically doesn't value an intellectual connection, and he's satisfied with what the woman provides (companionship and sex). The woman obviously is getting something out of it too, or the dynamic wouldn't last.

 

I can think of one example from real life. A man I know in his fifties who recently got divorced and now is in a relationship with a much younger Brazilian woman. He admits that they have nothing in common, and says that his friends don't understand what he sees in her. But he's happy with her. Basically, a woman like this is less fuss for an emotionally unavailable guy. He prefers to coast along in parallel with somebody.

[Pyro]

I agree, but I think in these relationships both partners are often content. The guy typically doesn't value an intellectual connection, and he's satisfied with what the woman provides (companionship and sex). The woman obviously is getting something out of it too, or the dynamic wouldn't last.

 

I can think of one example from real life. A man I know in his fifties who recently got divorced and now is in a relationship with a much younger Brazilian woman. He admits that they have nothing in common, and says that his friends don't understand what he sees in her. But he's happy with her. Basically, a woman like this is less fuss for an emotionally unavailable guy. He prefers to coast along in parallel with somebody.

 

I guess if the guy is content with a relationship that lacks substance and the woman is willing to put up with that then more power to the both of them.

[Jannah]

There are thousands of foreign women who seek out western men and western men who oblige - but I am not entirely convinced it has to do with western men being emotionally unavailable.

 

The rise in American men sought out by foreign women, can be because of current conditions within their native country but I also think some of them are genuinely attracted to American men compared with men in their own countries (most of whom ARE emotionally unavailable).

[how2forgive&2forget]

Ah, the typical submissive Asian woman stereotype. Lmao!