theBrokenMuse Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Yes. I mean I am sorry that I didn't go into every different type of emotionally unavailable person but he OP (and the others in this thread) were discussing the most commonly held type which is the 'avoidant' personality. The people with that type of fear of intimacy are not going to beget emotionally healthy relationships nor have the aptitude to be able to nurture the emotional aspects of a healthy relationship. So what is the basis for your comment or are you trolling?
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I mean I am sorry It's ok. Don't worry.
theBrokenMuse Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 It's ok. Don't worry. Okay, so trolling it is.
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Okay, so trolling it is. So you think emotionally unavailable men should stay alone for the rest of their lives?
loverofloveandstuff Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Good post! I can relate a lot of what OP says in the relationship between my parents. My mother is Asian (Korean), my father Caucasian (English). They met in India and my mother did not know any English. My father taught my mother English through broken Hindi (which they both knew very little of). Somehow, they managed to communicate enough to have me, and get married. Now, they can communicate perfectly. But all those years ago, I have no idea how their relationship worked. They are polar opposites in everyway and come from completely different walks of life. I am always wondering how dad can put up with mum's ignorance and narrow minded attitude. Dad is interested in current affairs and politics and philosophy, and mother is well, not. They are clearly on different wavelengths as far as intelligence is concerned and I feel like dad could've found someone WAY more suited to him. Someone who he could engage in real deep conversations with and not mundane superficial crap. Despite this. He seems to be happy. She seems to be happy. Blows my mind.
theBrokenMuse Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 So you think emotionally unavailable men should stay alone for the rest of their lives? They should stay alone until they are able to work through their underlying issues enough that they are able to contribute to a relationship in a constructive rather than destructive manner.
flying Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 So you think emotionally unavailable men should stay alone for the rest of their lives? I'd say this applies to emotionally unavailable people. You get what you put into a relationship. Garbage in, garbage out.
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 They should stay alone until they are able to work through their underlying issues enough that they are able to contribute to a relationship in a constructive rather than destructive manner. Or you accept the fact that most people are ****ed up somehow and still want them to be happy, despite their problems. And many people cannot be happy on their own, unfortunately.
theBrokenMuse Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Or you accept the fact that most people are ****ed up somehow and still want them to be happy, despite their problems. There is a difference between accepting that people are messed up in some ways and saying that someone with a proclivity to cause a lot of damage to others in a relationship should be actively seeking out relationships because it might bring them 'happiness' even if at the expense of the emotional well being of others. That is wrong. Period. And many people cannot be happy on their own, unfortunately.So then I guess they should get off their arses and work on bettering themselves to the point where they can handle a relationship without all the collateral damage.
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 There is a difference between accepting that people are messed up in some ways and saying that someone with a proclivity to cause a lot of damage to others in a relationship should be actively seeking out relationships because it might bring them 'happiness' even if at the expense of the emotional well being of others. That is wrong. Period. So then I guess they should get off their arses and work on bettering themselves to the point where they can handle a relationship without all the collateral damage. It's cool that you know so much better who should do what. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people were exposed to your wisdom, if everyone would do as you say.
theBrokenMuse Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 It's cool that you know so much better who should do what. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people were exposed to your wisdom, if everyone would do as you say. So, I take it you have no actual counterpoints then if you have to resort to the above snarkiness.
Woggle Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I think that these are men who have been through the ringer with past relationships and a quiet and obedient woman sounds appealing. It is better than dealing with what they have dealt with already.
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 So, I take it you have no actual counterpoints then if you have to resort to the above snarkiness. No, it's just that I don't think I know better what's good or appropriate for other people. You seem to do that. So if some broken people want to be together, even if it's 'unhealthy' for them and you don't approve, I couldn't care less.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I have a theory. Perma bachelors, commitment phobes, emotionally unavailable men: with whom do they finally settle down? By and large, foreign women, especially those from non-Western cultures. Sorry, but you have not done a very good job of supporting your opening statement at all. In reality, I'm sure some emotionally unavailable men settle down with women from other cultures. I don't know any personally, though. Most of those I do know personally end up in serial failed marriages, or single. My brother is emotionally sick and a potential abuser, divorced once, and bought himself a beautiful Peruvian bride. He is not what you would classify as "emotionally unavailable" though ... more like emotionally unsuited for a relationship where he is not confident that he can and will always have the upper hand.
bayouboi Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Or you accept the fact that most people are ****ed up somehow and still want them to be happy, despite their problems. And many people cannot be happy on their own, unfortunately. Why would she (I'm assuming a she here) settle for anything less than perfection??? By golly she, and every other woman out there, is a princess and deserves a perfect prince!
Author souvlaki Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Sorry, but you have not done a very good job of supporting your opening statement at all. In reality, I'm sure some emotionally unavailable men settle down with women from other cultures. I don't know any personally, though. Most of those I do know personally end up in serial failed marriages, or single. My brother is emotionally sick and a potential abuser, divorced once, and bought himself a beautiful Peruvian bride. He is not what you would classify as "emotionally unavailable" though ... more like emotionally unsuited for a relationship where he is not confident that he can and will always have the upper hand. the point of my post wasn't to "support" a carefully constructed argument. It was to throw out an observation I've had over the years and speculate on the psychology behind it.
Author souvlaki Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 My brother is emotionally sick and a potential abuser, divorced once, and bought himself a beautiful Peruvian bride. He is not what you would classify as "emotionally unavailable" though ... more like emotionally unsuited for a relationship where he is not confident that he can and will always have the upper hand. A man who is emotionally sick and a potential abuser is also what I'd classify as emotionally unavailable.
Author souvlaki Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 I think that these are men who have been through the ringer with past relationships and a quiet and obedient woman sounds appealing. It is better than dealing with what they have dealt with already. Yes, I agree with this. But I think it's simplistic to see it as all the woman's fault or all the man's fault. Some men have a predisposition to being emotionally unavailable (maybe some childhood trauma like poor parenting, cold/unstable parents), which means they are more likely to seek out unhealthy relationships that exacerbate this emotional avoidance.
Author souvlaki Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) There's a poster on here named Amerikijan I think. He always struck me as the EA type, and then he posted recently that he married a foreign woman. Just for one LS example. Johan/Hot Carl would be another example. Great, intelligent guy, but emotionally unavailable by his own admission. And I recall his ex (who he's still hung up on) was a non Western woman. I'm sure I could think of more examples. I see it all the time in real life. And yes, the guys are also often nerdy. Edited October 20, 2010 by souvlaki
theBrokenMuse Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Why would she (I'm assuming a she here) settle for anything less than perfection??? By golly she, and every other woman out there, is a princess and deserves a perfect prince! FFS, There is a massive difference between having a relationship with someone who isn't perfect and having a relationship with someone who can't contribute to an emotionally healthy relationship because of their issues. One is much more likely to cause harm to others.
bayouboi Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 FFS, There is a massive difference between having a relationship with someone who isn't perfect and having a relationship with someone who can't contribute to an emotionally healthy relationship because of their issues. One is much more likely to cause harm to others. Imperfect people are imperfect people. Doesn't matter what actually makes them imperfect. Just because that particular type of imperfection doesn't mesh with you, doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to find a relationship that is meaningful to them with someone else whom also views the relationship as meaningful despite not checking off whatever boxes you've preordained as necessary for your version of a "healthy" relationship.
theBrokenMuse Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 So if some broken people want to be together, even if it's 'unhealthy' for them and you don't approve, I couldn't care less. This has nothing to do with 'broken people being together'. People who can not have healthy interactions within the confines of a relationship can leave a wake of destruction in the form of creating other broken people. Why on Earth do you consider harming others acceptable in the name of 'happiness'?
theBrokenMuse Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) Imperfect people are imperfect people. Doesn't matter what actually makes them imperfect. So according to your logic someone who has a anti-social personality disorder or NPD (is incapable of actually loving or caring for another human being in any capacity other than to use them for their own gains) can be interchanged with any other disorder and that would be equally profound and damaging to the individuals involved with said person... That's utterly absurd. Edited October 20, 2010 by theBrokenMuse
utterer of lies Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 This has nothing to do with 'broken people being together'. People who can not have healthy interactions within the confines of a relationship can leave a wake of destruction in the form of creating other broken people. Why on Earth do you consider harming others acceptable in the name of 'happiness'? Wait. Please stop the strawmen, it makes it hard to take you serious as its generally used for trolling. I said: people should be together with whomever they want. You imply that this automatically leads to doom and destruction, unless the people conform to some arbitrary definition of what you think is healthy. The good news is: It does not. It might sometimes, but most likely will not.
bayouboi Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 So according to your logic someone who has a anti-social personality disorder or NPD (is incapable of actually loving or caring for another human being in any capacity other than to use them for their own gains) can be interchanged with any other disorder and that would be equally profound and damaging to the individuals involved with said person... That's utterly absurd. By my logic, an imperfect person can likely find themselves in a relationship with another imperfect person. Just because someone who thinks they know it all gives those people a label, doesn't make her qualified to tell them that they are forbidden from trying to find happiness with each other.
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