Emotionally Unavailable Men + Foreign, Non Western Women

[souvlaki]

I have a theory. Perma bachelors, commitment phobes, emotionally unavailable men: with whom do they finally settle down? By and large, foreign women, especially those from non-Western cultures. I see this everywhere. My cousin, a lifelong bachelor just married a Korean raised woman. They have nothing in common and their conversations are dull, but that's the way he likes it.

 

Why is this pairing so common? The language and cultural barrier provides a natural distance in the relationship. These couples don't have that deep intellectual, spiritual connection that women so often crave and emotionally unavailable men are unwilling to give. Furthermore the women tend to passively go along with this arrangement since they come from cultures where women have more subjugated roles.

 

A good celebrity example is Woody Allen. Yes, he's a creeper, but it's interesting to watch the dynamic between him and his wife in a documentary. They have nothing in common, and she's obviously not on his intelligence level. They don't talk about much.

 

In other words, it's not a meeting of the minds or souls in such a relationship. The man sees the woman as an escape from his mind. She is a pleasant vacation spot, where he can hang out, sip a beer and look blankly into space.

 

Usually these relationships have a routine but lack depth.

 

Emotionally unavailable men tend to compartmentalize women. They don't want everything in a partner. A woman provides sex, regularity, some light companionship, some mom behaviors and not much else.

 

This is a typical scene.

 

A guy sitting on a couch, one arm dangled lightly around his girlfriend's shoulder, the other dangling over the arm rest with a beer in hand. A large flat screen television plays a sports game in the background. Across the room the man's best friend sits. They are having a lively conversation. His girlfriend sits mutely next to him, texting her girlfriend on her blackberry. Every so often she gets up to replenish the bowl of nachos sitting on the coffee table, to which she is treated with "thanks baby" and a kiss. His girlfriend is pretty, girly and has little in common with him, but they get along and have a familiar, pleasant routine. This is a picture of the ideal relationship for an emotionally unavailable man.

[Knittress]

Hah! This is AWFUL. But fair, so very fair.

[carhill]

Emotionally unavailable men tend to compartmentalize women. They don't want everything in a partner. A woman provides sex, regularity, some light companionship, some mom behaviors and not much else.

Interesting....never have seen it boiled down like that, but, yeah, that matches up with what I've seen over the decades.

 

I remember one of the most amazing physical and emotional connections I had was with a woman whom I could not communicate with at all. We learned to speak with our gestures and expressions, sometimes facilitated by a wonderful interpreter who's still my friend in that part of the world. The lady was a doctor and we shared many interests in common, including love of cooking, music, theater, and family (she had two daughters and a grandchild at the time).

 

That was one of my rare non-disasters that became one because I didn't act on it. Fear of the unknown. Oh, well.

 

I've met women all over the world. Eastern Europe, Asia, Africa. IMO, there are no real stereotypes. I think you find what you're looking for. If that's an obedient slave, there are those; an equal, yep; someone who challenges and inspires, sure. But, heck, one can find those right here at home.

 

You know, I spent two hours in the family law wing of the courthouse today finishing up our divorce. I never saw one other man, other than the men working there. I guess most men are unavailable for family law too, and leave it to women

[Surrealist]

 

They don't want everything in a partner.

 

I have to admit I don't want everything in a partner. Things such as name calling, unfair fighting, laziness, unnecessary drama, abuse and such treatments a partner can provide are not something I seek in earnest with all due respect. Perhaps I am emotionally unavailable after all?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have a theory. Perma bachelors, commitment phobes, emotionally unavailable men: with whom do they finally settle down? By and large, foreign women, especially those from non-Western cultures. I see this everywhere. My cousin, a lifelong bachelor just married a Korean raised woman. They have nothing in common and their conversations are dull, but that's the way he likes it.

 

Wrong. Emotionally unavailable men are usually players, and they are typically drowning in interested women. I see very few marry foreigners.

 

The MOST common theme I see among guys who date foreign women is intelligence. Smart guys in highschool are typically nerdy... and they get shunned by a large majority of the women.

 

Foreign girls don't have cultural hangups with intellect, and thus give these guys attention. Even later in life this leaves a very strong positive impression when it comes to marrying.

 

Actually, The founders of Facebook talk a bit about this in their book "The Accidental Billionaires".

 

Why is this pairing so common? The language and cultural barrier provides a natural distance in the relationship. These couples don't have that deep intellectual, spiritual connection that women so often crave and emotionally unavailable men are unwilling to give. Furthermore the women tend to passively go along with this arrangement since they come from cultures where women have more subjugated roles.

 

It's not common... it doesn't really happen outside of your fantasies.

 

Woody Allen... Ok 1 example of a near pedophile who married his adopted daughter.... actually because he was technically her Dad... I don't think it counts.

 

Can you think of any other celebrity couples like this?

 

This is a typical scene.

A guy sitting on a couch, one arm dangled lightly around his girlfriend's shoulder, the other dangling over the arm rest with a beer in hand. A large flat screen television plays a sports game in the background. Across the room the man's best friend sits. They are having a lively conversation. His girlfriend sits mutely next to him, texting her girlfriend on her blackberry. Every so often she gets up to replenish the bowl of nachos sitting on the coffee table, to which she is treated with "thanks baby" and a kiss. His girlfriend is pretty, girly and has little in common with him, but they get along and have a familiar, pleasant routine. This is a picture of the ideal relationship for an emotionally unavailable man.

 

The guys you just described don't marry foreign women. As a guy who is dating a woman from another country... I can tell you for a FACT that they learn English quickly, and don't settle for crap relationships.

 

Most of the guys I see married to women from other countries are Computer Programmers and Engineers.

[Knittress]

Ok, so that was an awesome LS spoof - but why does the "American women suck like a highly visible rash" get 15 pages of response and this, it's gender-swapped companion, only 4 responses?

Where's the "OMG! Sexist extremist crazy, WHAT?!"

 

Is crazy not taken as seriously when a woman says it?

Do men not care about what other people think of them as much as women do?

Are the LS male-troll brigade more interested in starting flames than commenting on someone elses' post?

Why?

[souvlaki]

Ok, so that was an awesome LS spoof - but why does the "American women suck like a highly visible rash" get 15 pages of response and this, it's gender-swapped companion, only 4 responses?

Where's the "OMG! Sexist extremist crazy, WHAT?!"

 

Is crazy not taken as seriously when a woman says it?

Do men not care about what other people think of them as much as women do?

Are the LS male-troll brigade more interested in starting flames than commenting on someone elses' post?

Why?

 

Ha, this actually wasn't meant as a spoof.

[xpaperxcutx]

So every emotionally unavailable man should refer to a mail order bride to make them an honest man?

 

I find that exceptionally hard to believe.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Ok, so that was an awesome LS spoof - but why does the "American women suck like a highly visible rash" get 15 pages of response and this, it's gender-swapped companion, only 4 responses?

Where's the "OMG! Sexist extremist crazy, WHAT?!"

Is crazy not taken as seriously when a woman says it?

Do men not care about what other people think of them as much as women do?

Are the LS male-troll brigade more interested in starting flames than commenting on someone elses' post?

Why?

 

Fact is more interesting than Fiction.

 

Seriously though... give it some time. It might catch on.

[Knittress]

Ha, this actually wasn't meant as a spoof.

 

Heh. Maybe it should be, here I was thinking that you were a high-minded ARTISTE.

 

You bring up some interesting points about the type of person that would seek out a particular stereotype of woman - maybe even some good psychoanalysis of the types of men that GLORIFY such a connection in a LS thread... but you know, a few anecdotal stories about some guys you know and a weirdo pedophile famous-person doesn't a truth make. How can you make those sorts of assumptions about foreign WOMEN just to fit your worldview of 'loserguys?' There are loads of cool feisty Asian girls, you know.

[yah]

I see this everywhere.

 

Why is this pairing so common?

 

Really? Please list 50 more examples. I haven't seen this pairing enough to have taken notice.

 

Why do rich men date younger women? Why do white people date Asian people? Why why why?

[xpaperxcutx]

Really? Please list 50 more examples. I haven't seen this pairing enough to have taken notice.

 

Why do rich men date younger women? Why do white people date Asian people? Why why why?

 

Because we invented Hello Kitty? :love:

[Disillusioned]

Why do rich men date younger women? Why do white people date Asian people? Why why why?

 

Probably for the same reason so many single American women age 25-60 are selfish and in love with themselves.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Because we invented Hello Kitty? :love:

 

And this whole time I was thinking it had to do with beauty, intelligence, and character.

 

Guess I was way off.

[yah]

Because we invented Hello Kitty? :love:

 

That makes sense... The Kitty is awesome.

[Knittress]

Because we invented Hello Kitty? :love:

 

HAHA. I have a Korean hello kitty toothpaste-squeezing machine. That place is just Cute Overload, for reals. Maybe, if I may partake in the gross stereotypes, that's why some Asian women are so appealing to guys - it's the realm of the UltraFemme.

[souvlaki]

Heh. Maybe it should be, here I was thinking that you were a high-minded ARTISTE.

 

You bring up some interesting points about the type of person that would seek out a particular stereotype of woman - maybe even some good psychoanalysis of the types of men that GLORIFY such a connection in a LS thread... but you know, a few anecdotal stories about some guys you know and a weirdo pedophile famous-person doesn't a truth make. How can you make those sorts of assumptions about foreign WOMEN just to fit your worldview of 'loserguys?' There are loads of cool feisty Asian girls, you know.

 

Of course it doesn't make a truth, but it's hard to make any interesting observations about human nature without talking in generalities. I'm not going to list every coupling I've ever encountered like this. I just know that there are many -- so many that I've thought about what the psychological underpinnings might be. No, it doesn't apply to all men like this. But it does to a good number.

[souvlaki]

Interesting....never have seen it boiled down like that, but, yeah, that matches up with what I've seen over the decades.

 

I remember one of the most amazing physical and emotional connections I had was with a woman whom I could not communicate with at all. We learned to speak with our gestures and expressions, sometimes facilitated by a wonderful interpreter who's still my friend in that part of the world. The lady was a doctor and we shared many interests in common, including love of cooking, music, theater, and family (she had two daughters and a grandchild at the time).

 

That was one of my rare non-disasters that became one because I didn't act on it. Fear of the unknown. Oh, well.

 

I've met women all over the world. Eastern Europe, Asia, Africa. IMO, there are no real stereotypes. I think you find what you're looking for. If that's an obedient slave, there are those; an equal, yep; someone who challenges and inspires, sure. But, heck, one can find those right here at home.

 

You know, I spent two hours in the family law wing of the courthouse today finishing up our divorce. I never saw one other man, other than the men working there. I guess most men are unavailable for family law too, and leave it to women

 

Are you saying that you're emotionally unavailable?

 

There ARE dramatic differences in gender roles across cultures. This manifests in how women act in relationships. I'm sure any respectable social scientist would agree.

[nddb]

What this thread suggests is we are evaluating women from other cultures by our standard and drawing unwarranted conclusions.

 

Keep in mind that being verbal and outwardly expressive is prized in this society as being open, loving, etc.

 

In some cultures, it is seen as crude and uncouth. By both men AND WOMEN.

 

I marry an Asian woman and although I miss the boat on that subservient thing (another myth about asian women), there are unspoken things that when done, greatly pleases my wife and her family (a very important component of her happiness) and speaks to her about my feelings for her more than any amount of words could. She of course straddles the two cultures and a professional so she easily picks and chooses what she likes (which is a hybrid of East and West). So she likes the flowers, the love notes, and the surprises. But some of her more traditional Asian friends would see that as being too unrefined and embarrassing to consider.

 

My point is that even among purely Asian couples, they may be communicating volumes by the things they do and have done together and have such history and shared values that their connection is deeper than any flowery and effusive verbal expression could convey in ours.

 

Their lack of publicly perceivable verbal expressiveness and PDA doesn't indicate the same thing as in the case of a couple raised in this culture.

 

My wife's parents, both old-fashioned Asians, have been together for more than 60 years. They were of the last generation (or may be even the one before that), the one that lived through WWII. They are the most loving couple we know although from outward appearance, he seems to not pay much attention to her and vice versa. But going somewhere, he always remembers to buy some small things or talk to his kids/grandkids about grandma likes and dislikes. She cooks him his favorites and fusses over him. They are not into small talks. They never go visit friends or vacation without one another and rarely spend a day without one another.

 

But they are blissfully happy in their quiet, dignified, and to us, rather uncommunicative ways.

[gypsy_nicky]

 

A guy sitting on a couch, one arm dangled lightly around his girlfriend's shoulder, the other dangling over the arm rest with a beer in hand. A large flat screen television plays a sports game in the background. Across the room the man's best friend sits. They are having a lively conversation. His girlfriend sits mutely next to him, texting her girlfriend on her blackberry. Every so often she gets up to replenish the bowl of nachos sitting on the coffee table, to which she is treated with "thanks baby" and a kiss. His girlfriend is pretty, girly and has little in common with him, but they get along and have a familiar, pleasant routine. This is a picture of the ideal relationship for an emotionally unavailable man.

 

your implying that foreign women by and large are submissive or gold digging wh*res that will put up with any type of man. Which is not the case.

 

The type of man you just described are the socially awkward, nerdy, geeky type boys who are clueless with the opposite sex and usually try to please them or want someone they can subjugate. Social rejects that no liberal minded woman wants (or any woman for that matter).

 

Men like the ones you described are emotionally unavailable because they tend to hold traditional views on gender roles and see the girl only as an extension of themselves. Mot men like these are controlling and manipulative but in a 'nice' way.

 

Men like these find it difficult to relate to westernized women because they are almost always lacking in the social skills dept.and especially in the looks dept.

[xpaperxcutx]

If relationships really work with foreign women, I will have to bring up the culture one is bred in. Even if divorce is as common as a shotgun wedding, I can still speak for various asian cultures that divorce is considered very much taboo.

 

In my family, a marriage is very sacred. When a girl gets married, her entire family baically joins the union. No family would even lightly consider divorce. Even at that, the general consensus of a typical divorcee getting married again would be difficult especially if he decides to marry into a prominent family, or a large family unit, if his future mother and father- in- law are traditionalists.

 

In summary, if divorce is still considered very much taboo, it's not hard to think about why asians work very hard to make a marriage work.

[theBrokenMuse]

I have not seen the situation described by the OP very much at all... from what I have seen many play women and the ones who have actually settled down just emotionally neglect the hell out of their spouse while trying to convince the woman that her emotional needs in the relationship are totally unreasonable or ignore that she has them all together.

[utterer of lies]

I have not seen the situation described by the OP very much at all... from what I have seen many play women and the ones who have actually settled down just emotionally neglect the hell out of their spouse while trying to convince the woman that her emotional needs in the relationship are totally unreasonable or ignore that she has them all together.

 

What a heart-warmingly happy and beautiful view on relationships you have.

[theBrokenMuse]

What a heart-warmingly happy and beautiful view on relationships you have.

We are talking about emotionally unavailable men in relationships, not healthy ones.... have you even read the thread at all?

[utterer of lies]

We are talking about emotionally unavailable men in relationships, not healthy ones.... have you even read the thread at all?

 

Yes.