Time to take out the trash

[WTRanger]

I swear, even the best magician couldn't do a better disappearing act like the person in my life just did. So, I've said my peace to them and now it's time to delete them from my life. I tried to call, and her voice mail wasn't set up (how convenient!) so I wrote a simple email telling her that what she pulled wasn't okay with me. I told her I'd like to have resolved this like normal people, but I can't if she decides silence is the best way to do. I told her that I will accept her silence as an answer and if she chooses that route to never contact me again for I will not respond. The mistake I made last year was only removing 95% of her, I need to do 100% this time.

 

What makes this sudden disappearance by her with zero warning/excuse/reason so hard is that those of us with dogs know when they were puppies and we closed a door behind us, the poor pup would lose it's little mind thinking that we were gone forever. The dog wants to bark and bark thinking that'll bring attention back. The louder they bark, the quicker the attention returns. That's what I've felt like. I've held so much back, I've stayed away from flooding her with pleas. Today, I simply spoke what was on my mind and heart. No way was I going to let it go without saying that what she did was a low move and that it completely let me down. No name calling, no blame, just how I felt.

 

So out with the email, phone, etc. I just put all of our pictures on a DVD, put a password on it, and gave it to my sister for safekeeping or future destruction. I can't decide now and I don't want to make a decision in haste. I've got great pictures of places we've been, but I can't look at them now and I don't know if I want to toss them either.

 

Thankfully she doesn't have FB, nor do I plan on seeing if she does. Right now, I can't even type her name without going into a mindset of anger and confusion. I knew she was a runner from the start as she told me stories of others she's done it to. Like most of us, I never thought that would be me. I've learned a lot from this one to hopefully better my future endeavors.

 

I feel strange right now. Almost, at peace.

[Ajax]

I knew she was a runner from the start as she told me stories of others she's done it to. Like most of us, I never thought that would be me. I've learned a lot from this one to hopefully better my future endeavors.

 

I feel strange right now. Almost, at peace.

 

Mine was a runner too, but I didn't find that out until after she left. Turns out it's her modus operandi. I blame her. She should know herself enough to know that's what she does and that it hurts people. She should have been strong enough to break the cycle by either staying with me for a change or not letting me get so attached to begin with. But she's weak, and only ever does what feels right to her at the time.

[WTRanger]

Unfortunately, these people have done this for so long it is second nature to them. I got to the point where I was sick of always reaching out. They say when you realize you've had enough that you are half-way there. Well, I have had enough of her disappearing acts as a way to avoid owning up to mistakes.

[DustySaltus]

Ranger, what you've said here definitely hits home. You have to let the runners keep running. It's a blessing in disguise that it happened now and not when you're married with a few kids. My ex had BPD, one day she painted me black and made me out to be a completely evil person...the shock goes away eventually, but there's always a little bit of pain and the threat of being gunshy in future relationships. Hang in there, and continue posting here.

[Ajax]

Ranger, what you've said here definitely hits home. You have to let the runners keep running. It's a blessing in disguise that it happened now and not when you're married with a few kids. My ex had BPD, one day she painted me black and made me out to be a completely evil person...the shock goes away eventually, but there's always a little bit of pain and the threat of being gunshy in future relationships. Hang in there, and continue posting here.

 

I've suspected that my ex might have BPD. I broached the subject with my therapist and he said based on my description it sounded plausible.

 

I'm also feeling gunshy. I trusted this girl and she wrecked it. Tossed me out like a rotten half-eaten three week old sandwich. But i don't want to do the same thing to someone else that she did to me. It's a decision, and we have it within us to make the right one, even if our exes didn't. We can be better than them.

[WTRanger]

I know the person in my case doesn't have BPD. She just never learned how to really deal with adversity. Just like when Homer Simpson was speeding on his way to the Post Office before his taxes were late and he ran a red light with his eyes covered and said, "If I don't see it, it's not illegal."

 

To her, if she didn't face the issue then it most certainly did not exist. What was good for her, was extremely painful for other people in her life. She pulls away to focus on herself, which would be okay if she'd communicate that as we all deal differently. Instead, she just ups and removes herself from reality. Then expects after a few days, weeks, or months, that things will be forgiven and okay when she returns to the world of the living.

[HopeLove]

I like your metaphors range! Keep posting

[curiousnycgirl]

Holy cow and holy smokes I was reading this post and realized that I could very easily be described as a runner - but I don't think I am psychotic and I know I am not BPD. Regardless I felt I had to at least weight in on this post.

 

I have only had a few of significant relatiobnships in my life. The first was my fiance who passed away. The second was 10 years later, we dated for 2 plus years when I got a fabulous job offr 1500 miles away. I told him the only reason I would turn it down is if we were setting a wedding date. He gave the wrong answer - so we broked up. We stayed in touch for several years though - he even asked me to stand up for him at his wedding (that was sort of awkward).

 

Then there was my most recent ex. Yes on three occassions I said I can't do this anymore and went completely silent:

 

The first was several years ago - after he had withdrawn all physical affection for months and refused to discuss it - I sent him an email and got on a plane to Europe, crying my eyes out the whole time for a week. He didn't reach out to me either. Upon my erturn I realized that perhaps I hadn't tried everything, so I called him and asked if he'd be willing to try therapy - he agreed, so I paid for therapy for two years (didn't help btw).

 

The second time was the past december after our trip to Israel (which I paid for - oh and there was no physical affection then either) when I told him that he was being really nasty to me, that he had been for months and that I could not take it anymore. I told him that if he didn't make a concerted effort to be nicer to me - I would have to stop all contact, because it was really tearing me apart. He said something to the affect of ok - and that he was sorry he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be. No apology for being nasty or mean, not promise to try to be nicer. So I walked again, until he reached out to me 4 months later at which time we agreed to try again.

 

The final time was September 14th when I found his current Match.com profile, which showed he had been active within the past 24 hours (so he had logged in while with me). I copied the profile into an email to him, with a subject line saying we had nothing left to say to each other and have not spoken to him since. I can't speak to him - I'll cry. I did however send him a long detailed note explaining how I felt, what my thoughts were, and how I got to the conclusions I had reached. His response was that there was nothing left to discuss since I was invested in my conclusions even though I was completely wrong (as usual everything was my fault). And that was that. My heart is completely broken, but this time I am fairly certain I am really and truly done.

 

However I did run, and yes I am a runner. There are other times I have simply walked away - truth is I cannot handle conflict in defense of myself. I can be a pitt bull/mother lioness in defense of others - but I am the biggest patsy in the whole world when it comes to myself. I find it is easier to either just concede or walk away rather than have the fight.

 

I'm not sure if my response is helping or hurting, or not having any affect - I just realized that OMG while I see the pain your runner caused you - runners are not always the bad guys - at least I don't think I'm a bad guy.

[Ajax]

Holy cow and holy smokes I was reading this post and realized that I could very easily be described as a runner - but I don't think I am psychotic and I know I am not BPD. Regardless I felt I had to at least weight in on this post.

 

I have only had a few of significant relatiobnships in my life. The first was my fiance who passed away. The second was 10 years later, we dated for 2 plus years when I got a fabulous job offr 1500 miles away. I told him the only reason I would turn it down is if we were setting a wedding date. He gave the wrong answer - so we broked up. We stayed in touch for several years though - he even asked me to stand up for him at his wedding (that was sort of awkward).

 

Then there was my most recent ex. Yes on three occassions I said I can't do this anymore and went completely silent:

 

The first was several years ago - after he had withdrawn all physical affection for months and refused to discuss it - I sent him an email and got on a plane to Europe, crying my eyes out the whole time for a week. He didn't reach out to me either. Upon my erturn I realized that perhaps I hadn't tried everything, so I called him and asked if he'd be willing to try therapy - he agreed, so I paid for therapy for two years (didn't help btw).

 

The second time was the past december after our trip to Israel (which I paid for - oh and there was no physical affection then either) when I told him that he was being really nasty to me, that he had been for months and that I could not take it anymore. I told him that if he didn't make a concerted effort to be nicer to me - I would have to stop all contact, because it was really tearing me apart. He said something to the affect of ok - and that he was sorry he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be. No apology for being nasty or mean, not promise to try to be nicer. So I walked again, until he reached out to me 4 months later at which time we agreed to try again.

 

The final time was September 14th when I found his current Match.com profile, which showed he had been active within the past 24 hours (so he had logged in while with me). I copied the profile into an email to him, with a subject line saying we had nothing left to say to each other and have not spoken to him since. I can't speak to him - I'll cry. I did however send him a long detailed note explaining how I felt, what my thoughts were, and how I got to the conclusions I had reached. His response was that there was nothing left to discuss since I was invested in my conclusions even though I was completely wrong (as usual everything was my fault). And that was that. My heart is completely broken, but this time I am fairly certain I am really and truly done.

 

However I did run, and yes I am a runner. There are other times I have simply walked away - truth is I cannot handle conflict in defense of myself. I can be a pitt bull/mother lioness in defense of others - but I am the biggest patsy in the whole world when it comes to myself. I find it is easier to either just concede or walk away rather than have the fight.

 

I'm not sure if my response is helping or hurting, or not having any affect - I just realized that OMG while I see the pain your runner caused you - runners are not always the bad guys - at least I don't think I'm a bad guy.

 

I don't think this qualifies you as a "runner," at least not in the way we're thinking. In your cases you seem to have given your exes a chance, or were given good reason to leave them. You say you gave your second serious BF a chance to marry you, which he turned down. I think that after two years and with a job offer on the table, leaving him was reasonable.

 

We're talking about people who leave an otherwise healthy relationship without any warning. These are people who actively participate in planning a future together, tell us how much they love us, and then spontaneously tell us it's over. These are people who don't seem to realize that all relationships have problems, and they bolt at the slightest sign of trouble.

[WTRanger]

Holy cow and holy smokes I was reading this post and realized that I could very easily be described as a runner - but I don't think I am psychotic and I know I am not BPD. Regardless I felt I had to at least weight in on this post.

 

I have only had a few of significant relatiobnships in my life. The first was my fiance who passed away. The second was 10 years later, we dated for 2 plus years when I got a fabulous job offr 1500 miles away. I told him the only reason I would turn it down is if we were setting a wedding date. He gave the wrong answer - so we broked up. We stayed in touch for several years though - he even asked me to stand up for him at his wedding (that was sort of awkward).

 

Then there was my most recent ex. Yes on three occassions I said I can't do this anymore and went completely silent:

 

The first was several years ago - after he had withdrawn all physical affection for months and refused to discuss it - I sent him an email and got on a plane to Europe, crying my eyes out the whole time for a week. He didn't reach out to me either. Upon my erturn I realized that perhaps I hadn't tried everything, so I called him and asked if he'd be willing to try therapy - he agreed, so I paid for therapy for two years (didn't help btw).

 

The second time was the past december after our trip to Israel (which I paid for - oh and there was no physical affection then either) when I told him that he was being really nasty to me, that he had been for months and that I could not take it anymore. I told him that if he didn't make a concerted effort to be nicer to me - I would have to stop all contact, because it was really tearing me apart. He said something to the affect of ok - and that he was sorry he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be. No apology for being nasty or mean, not promise to try to be nicer. So I walked again, until he reached out to me 4 months later at which time we agreed to try again.

 

The final time was September 14th when I found his current Match.com profile, which showed he had been active within the past 24 hours (so he had logged in while with me). I copied the profile into an email to him, with a subject line saying we had nothing left to say to each other and have not spoken to him since. I can't speak to him - I'll cry. I did however send him a long detailed note explaining how I felt, what my thoughts were, and how I got to the conclusions I had reached. His response was that there was nothing left to discuss since I was invested in my conclusions even though I was completely wrong (as usual everything was my fault). And that was that. My heart is completely broken, but this time I am fairly certain I am really and truly done.

 

However I did run, and yes I am a runner. There are other times I have simply walked away - truth is I cannot handle conflict in defense of myself. I can be a pitt bull/mother lioness in defense of others - but I am the biggest patsy in the whole world when it comes to myself. I find it is easier to either just concede or walk away rather than have the fight.

 

I'm not sure if my response is helping or hurting, or not having any affect - I just realized that OMG while I see the pain your runner caused you - runners are not always the bad guys - at least I don't think I'm a bad guy.

 

That's the hard part. As you said, runners aren't necessarily bad people. When they don't know what to do, they do nothing at all. My brother does this, and he honestly doesn't see the pain he causes his girlfriends or family when he does this.

 

You aren't really a runner. You established that you don't like a behavior of his, then when he didn't change you walked away. Granted, you've got to understand that rocking the boat is okay if you feel you are being mistreated.

 

In my case, short version, we had been in an on/off again "what are we again" relationship for the last 2 plus years. I had to move across the US after the loss of my job 14 months ago to go back to school in my home state where it's much cheaper to live. We stayed in long distance close-friends contact for the entire time, we both dated other people but were single again, and a few weeks ago I flew out there to visit friends and her as well. We made plans, and I was excited to see her. I get out there, she ceases all contact and stands me up for our time together. I haven't heard from her since. No excuse, no apology, no nothing. She either got spooked, lost her soul, or a billion other outcomes. Chances are, I'll never know the real one and God forbid she faces up to what she did. Ignoring it is much easier.

 

That, in a nutshell, is a real runner.

Edited October 20, 2010 by WTRanger

[curiousnycgirl]

I don't think this qualifies you as a "runner," at least not in the way we're thinking. In your cases you seem to have given your exes a chance, or were given good reason to leave them. You say you gave your second serious BF a chance to marry you, which he turned down. I think that after two years and with a job offer on the table, leaving him was reasonable.

 

We're talking about people who leave an otherwise healthy relationship without any warning. These are people who actively participate in planning a future together, tell us how much they love us, and then spontaneously tell us it's over. These are people who don't seem to realize that all relationships have problems, and they bolt at the slightest sign of trouble.

 

I understand that - the reality is I believe my recent ex would say I ran. In fact one of his last emails expressed shock that I would just walk away again. The truth is I did not give him a chance to explain himself - something in me snapped. People who know me, and know us, know that I have been giving way more than my all. This time he may have actually been innocent, I'll never know - it may have just been too late. I just don't think I can ever trust him again.

 

The funny thing is that only a few days before I saw that profile someone asked me how things were going and I said it was amazing, that he was really trying and things had never been better.

 

Once I really thought about it, I realized that after 6 years I was no closer to getting what I wanted out of a relationship than I had been when we met. All I ever wanted was someone who had my back. Someone who could pick my dog up from daycare if I had to work late (he had been unemployed for nearly 6 years), someone I could call if my car got towed, etc. But he lived over an hour away, and told me it cost too much for him to drive up to my house.

 

So I guess it was just too little too late. I'll never know.

 

OY my conviction was way better before I read this thread - now my doubts are creeping back.

[curiousnycgirl]

I get out there, she ceases all contact and stands me up for our time together. I haven't heard from her since. No excuse, no apology, no nothing. She either got spooked, lost her soul, or a billion other outcomes. Chances are, I'll never know the real one and God forbid she faces up to what she did. Ignoring it is much easier.

 

That, in a nutshell, is a real runner.

 

OK that's just rude and hurtful and mean and terrible. I'm so sorry for you. No I don't do this. I don't know what to say. Now that I've started crying again (cuz my doubts are back) I'm crying for you too.

 

You don't deserve this, no one does. The good news is you were dating - I can't bring myself to do that. I'm done with that. My ex at least prepared me for that - haven't had sex in so long I don't miss it anymore. At least now I don't feel rejected anymore either - that really sux it makes you feel ugly, unattractive and untouchable.

 

This is way better.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Oh I got a far better one for you than that.

How about a leaving a healthy relationship and not even tell you they are leaving? No fights no nothing. EVER!

She just disappeared without any warning.

Didn't even say we were broken up!

And then I find out she's staying at another guys place who is far less attractive than I am (IMHO), overweight, has 2 kids, divorced, mediocre job, and lives in a dumpy apartment.

I'm a successful professional, have a big house, no children, in good shape physically, and have never been married.

She still has my freaking keys, garage door opener, and has left her cookware, glasses, contacts, toothbrush, nighties, yada yada at my place.

Now THAT is a runner.

I'm just sitting here holding my head in disbelief..

Let me tell you how fun it's been trying to deal with that...

[curiousnycgirl]

has 2 kids, divorced, mediocre job, and lives in a dumpy apartment.

 

Is she helping with the kids? If not I don't get it.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Is she helping with the kids? If not I don't get it.

 

Have no idea if she's helping with the kids.

I would assume they've interacted or whatever.

Yeah, I don't get it either, and neither does anyone else involved.

Biggest mind fck I've ever been a part of!!

Sorry, I don't want to thread jack Ranger

[Nkognito]

Yes curiousnycgirl you do not qualify as a runner as Ajax stated. The people including myself who have posted in this forum are dealing with a woman who does not offer second chances. My ex did not want to work it out, she broke up with text saying plainly she wanted to feel what I feel for her. She knew full well I was falling for her but let me go. She said she "would know by now" if it was something or not. She was on the fence about telling me in person because she flat out said I could have talked her into staying but something in her told her to let me go.

 

This came from a girl who told me things and acted in ways that made a future with her a little more clear but then became murky when too much on her end pushed me off the plate. She did not want to work it out and was certain of this or so it seems. So broke up with me in text message, giving me the cliche "its me not you" and "you deserve someone better".

 

To me, these are people who have either been in a bad relationship or have had things come to them so easily that when they have to solve problems for something to work out, when the reward is not greater than the effort they just give up.

 

The problem is what these people give up for something they think is better. For mine? I made her a country CD of songs that reminded me of her when she went on a cruise for a week. She said it was by far the best present anyone has got her. It was from the heart and it cost absolutely nothing. Next I had a friend make some customized beer coozies with her college team on it and her name for when we used to hang at the pool. Again this was small things that I did being nice and they were random, not back to back. But these things were not enough and she was willing to give up someone who took the time to do these things for someone else who most likely wont.

 

I guess what I am getting at is, when you know someone falls for you then you let them and then you fall in love with how much they love you. Like the song goes "I love the way you love me". You simply don't pack up because love did not happen at the same time. nobody really knows what love is because it can't be measured by feeling. But you know how far you are willing to go to sacrifice for that person and when that becomes so great you feel foreign to yourself like you dont know whats come over you. Well then welcome to the best part of you that you have to offer. If someone is willing to leave that, then they are a runner.

[VeveCakes]

Wow, and all this time I thought I was alone in this! A few years ago I dated this guy, was totally in love...or so I thought. We spent almost every day together, talked about our futures, marriage, etc. I really thought I met the guy I was going to spend my life with this guy. There were some stories he told that didn't add up about his past, but I figured he just embelished to try and impress me and over time he would stop with that. I was planning his birthday surprise, and never thought anything like what happened was coming. I called him and didn't hear back for a couple days

I left a few messages saying I'm worried, I hope everything is ok. I get a call from his best friend that he's sick in the hospital but he's ok. I paniced. I finally hear from him again says he's fine and acts completely normal. I'm so confused, but happy he's ok. A few days go by then nothing. No response. He falls off the face of the earth. I never hear from him again. 6 months later his friend calls me and tells me; when you want a fresh start sometimes you just need a clean break. I say sometimes you just need to not be a balless coward. Seriously, is that hard to just tell someone its over? I spent months in agony because of the questions, and no closure. I still to this day have no idea what happened.

[Ajax]

Wow, and all this time I thought I was alone in this! A few years ago I dated this guy, was totally in love...or so I thought. We spent almost every day together, talked about our futures, marriage, etc. I really thought I met the guy I was going to spend my life with this guy. There were some stories he told that didn't add up about his past, but I figured he just embelished to try and impress me and over time he would stop with that. I was planning his birthday surprise, and never thought anything like what happened was coming. I called him and didn't hear back for a couple days

I left a few messages saying I'm worried, I hope everything is ok. I get a call from his best friend that he's sick in the hospital but he's ok. I paniced. I finally hear from him again says he's fine and acts completely normal. I'm so confused, but happy he's ok. A few days go by then nothing. No response. He falls off the face of the earth. I never hear from him again. 6 months later his friend calls me and tells me; when you want a fresh start sometimes you just need a clean break. I say sometimes you just need to not be a balless coward. Seriously, is that hard to just tell someone its over? I spent months in agony because of the questions, and no closure. I still to this day have no idea what happened.

 

Yeah, these "runners" always leave us with questions that never seem to be answered. There's no buildup to the breakup, they just spring it on us. When my girlfriend left me it seemed like an artificial breakup. Like she's manufactured it out of nothing. We weren't fighting. We were affectiionate. I'd gone all out for her birthday the week before, even sending her flowers at work and baking her a cake which we shared with her family. She initiated a conversation in which she told me how much she loved me and how happy she was to have me. We started talking about plans for the future because she brought it up. A week later she dropped the bomb on me and said she needed to "figure herself out." That's a runner.

 

I don't have closure. I don't know what was going on in her mind because she wouldn't talk to me about it. We had a good thing and she threw it away.

 

It's been two months of NC and I don't expect to ever hear from her again. I've been trying to look back and identify red flags so that in future relationships I can avoid this. So far though the red flags I'm seeing definately point to something like BPD. Such a waste.

 

Sorry for the rant. Havn't done it in a while and it felt kinda good.

Edited October 20, 2010 by Ajax

[WTRanger]

Being left out in the cold, ostracized, ignored is the most hurtful thing to a human being. I'd rather have you call me everyname in the book, tell me I'm bad in bed, tell me to never contact you again, anything!

 

These people are cowards. Yet, we want to reach out. We reach out because to us this makes no sense. To them, they think that we don't "get it." Well, what's there to get? Throw me a bone here!

Edited October 20, 2010 by WTRanger

[curiousnycgirl]

I've gotta tell you guys it feels lie you want the fights, I hear you loud and clear, but in all my time on this site, I've heard it both ways - and the consensus is clear - no contact is the way to go - regardless of what the other party does.

 

I am not trying to belittle your feelings over what these heartless/selfish/immature people have done to you - but when push comes to shove, at this point I hope you can each stop focussing on them and start focussing on yourselves.

 

I know that is way easier said than done, but in order to heal from this, that is what you must do. We are all suffering, not from the exact same damage, but from damage nonetheless - and the truth is at this point we all need to be good to ourselves and be here for eachother.

 

I'm here for you guys! :bunny:

[WTRanger]

I know I am done reaching out and trying to make sense of it. After the recent incident, I realized that I am done with this. Besides, no matter what I say, how much I say, she is going to respond on her own terms. In her own time, and that's if she responds at all. Even if she responds, she'll act as if this never happened and expect me to just forget about it too.

 

The trust has been shattered and can't be rebuilt without a large amount of work and honesty. Two things she can't do at the moment, so it's going to stay shattered.

[paleblue]

Good job sticking up for yourself and keeping your dignity. She sounds completely unreasonable. And I doubt anything you do will matter since she is in her own universe.

 

I also just told my exgf last week (work with her), that I have no desire to remain in contact with her under the current circumstances that she has promulgated. She’s also one-sided and it’s a total drag. Now she just walks by stomping her feet. Sucks, but its better off we cut these kind of people out of our lives.

 

I have another female “friend” that I am also thinking about cutting out completely because she plays childish non-responsive games. I don’t even think she is aware of how she acts. All I know is its not changing. It aggravates me. And I probably would just wind up miserable with her anyway.

 

I say if they are not contributing anything positive, or at least positive vibes, then they need to go. Plain and simple.

[silic0ntoad]

Hm. Dusty and I started posting here roughly the same time, and we both dealt with runners.

 

My ex of 4.5 years simply didn't come home one night. The next day she said she was leaving for her parents for a few days, that she didn't know what the problem was. Then she simply said I'm done.

 

Then silence. Up and left. No time for farewells. No chances for goodbye. No explanations. No reasons why.

 

I was stunned. Our relationship seemed good to that point. Talks of marriage, I bought her a ring, we had a place, etc. I was left to deal with it all since that point.

 

I can honestly say these people are so good at what they do that you don't see it coming. I personally will never ask why again; the answer simply leaves more whys to be resolved.

 

In all truth, we'll never know why. Not, truly, anyway. In every sense of the word these callous and selfish acts are usually acts of desperation and selfishness. I don't tolerate it, and I won't tolerate it, ever again. I'd rather be the ruthless prick I am now compared to the soft, clean handed guy I was back then. At least now I don't stand in front of the train, I watch it pass by with apathy.

[WTRanger]

I guess I just don't understand how someone who seems so normal can face themselves in the mirror after doing this. You've got to be living in some sort of loony world to look at yourself and be proud of what you did. I know way back in high school I avoided a girl who had a crush on me and I felt awful for doing it. One day I just owned up and told her, I figured it'd hurt like hell but anything is better than torturing her like that.

 

Silence can be closure, but it's tough closure. In essence, you have to break up with the good image of this person that is in your head and heart, not the evil person in the real world. It's such a waste, such a useless way to go.

 

If these people were told they had early stage cancer and with a minor surgery and minor chemo they would be cured completely, would they ignore it? Would they act as if nothing was wrong until they were on their death bed?

[Ajax]

I can honestly say these people are so good at what they do that you don't see it coming. I personally will never ask why again; the answer simply leaves more whys to be resolved.

 

 

So true. Most of us were truely blindsided. Looking back I can identify one or two red flags, but nothing to hang my hat on. Nothing that was a dead give away to what was about to happen. My ex played the part perfectly right to the end.

 

When I asked why she was leaving all she could say was that she was confused and needed to figure herself out. I've spent the past two months trying to understand the sudden turn around and I still can't.

 

It reminds me of the line in The Stranger by Billy Joel:

 

"Once I used to believe

I was such a great romancer

Then I came home to a woman

That I could not recognize

When I pressed her for a reason

She refused to even answer

It was then I felt the stranger

Kick me right between the eyes"

 

 

I guess I just don't understand how someone who seems so normal can face themselves in the mirror after doing this. You've got to be living in some sort of loony world to look at yourself and be proud of what you did. I know way back in high school I avoided a girl who had a crush on me and I felt awful for doing it. One day I just owned up and told her, I figured it'd hurt like hell but anything is better than torturing her like that.

 

Silence can be closure, but it's tough closure. In essence, you have to break up with the good image of this person that is in your head and heart, not the evil person in the real world. It's such a waste, such a useless way to go.

 

If these people were told they had early stage cancer and with a minor surgery and minor chemo they would be cured completely, would they ignore it? Would they act as if nothing was wrong until they were on their death bed?

 

I think that there's something wrong with them psychologically. I'm not a doctor but I'd say I'm about 80% sure my ex had BPD. That's not saying that's what's wrong with all runners, but I think they all have problems with empathy and connecting to people. Some might have been hurt in the past and have trouble trusting again, creating a victim of their own. Others are just so focused on their own issues in life that when the stress gets too great they break the one commitment they can control, the relationship.

 

Bottom line is I think it's either a lack of compassion or a survival instinct that takes over, so they don't feel bad about what they did. If they ever do it is probably long after it's happened when either they've gotten help or they're circumstances change enough to allow them to reflect back with clearer vision.