That_girl Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I have a decision to make regarding this guy I’ve been involved with for a few months. He is truly one of the most charming, and interesting men I’ve ever met. He is also one of the most hypocritical and insane men I’ve ever met. Of course these traits go hand in hand for those with some kind of personality disorder. I fell for him quickly, and of course once that happened, he had to go on a trip and mess around with someone else. He was begging me to forgive him, and give him another. He has done crazy things so far like write twenty page letters and cover my lawn in paper hearts and roses. I realize that he is completely unstable. I could tell immediately, from the way that he pressured me to become exclusive with him after a mere two weeks. He was also getting over a break-up at the time (but the pressure leads me to believe he wasn’t actually over it all even though he said he was). So I have compiled a list of pros and cons to help me determine how I should proceed with him. I’m completely torn and would appreciate your input. CONS: - He is a ****ing drug user. And not just for recreational use, I think he is literally dependent on drugs to get away from himself. And if he is trying to get away from himself...why should I want to get closer to someone who is completely uncomfortable in his own skin. He also uses his drug use as an excuse for his behaviour. - He is immature. He is 28 years old, still lives with his parents, and still acts like a child when he doesn’t get his own way. He has had everything handed to him on a silver platter since childhood, and expects things to go according to his needs. (i.e. making my friends uncomfortable because he’d rather do something else rather than hang out with all of us, pouting and insulting me when I can’t bend to his will) - He is a cheater and a liar. He created this huge facade when we first met, and said that he could never cheat on anyone. Months later, he tells me that he “****ed up this one time in high school”. Not a huge deal...but the fact that he lied about never doing anything even remotely deceitful makes me wonder what else he’s lied about. - HE CHEATED...and broke his own rules. Told me to not to see anyone else while he was on vacation because this was an “exclusive” thing. And then proceeds to take a ridiculous drug and fool around with someone else. - He is selfish. While on vacation, I had to let him know about the pregnancy scare I was having. I was a complete mess for an entire week waiting for test results. When I eventually spoke to him, he wanted to cut the conversation short and wasn’t very assuring. He then cheated on me in the same week that I was breaking down worrying about being pregnant. When he came back, he asked me to have sex without a condom because he didn’t have one. I didn’t...and I’m so glad at this point. - Controlling and manipulative. I’m not sure if he actually has the capacity to become violent or emotionally abusive, but I’ve noticed a lot of so-called “red flags” (when he pushed the issue of exclusivity so quickly, got jealous of a platonic male friend, sulked about having to use condoms, pressured me into meeting his parents). - Won’t be able to trust him for a while. I don’t know if he can back up his words with actions. He seems to be devastated about all of this, and promises to never do it again. But I’m not sure if he understands all of the other reasons that I’m afraid of continuing the relationship. PROS: - He is absolutely beautiful. We look fantastic together. - He is incredibly intelligent and cultured, has already traveled to most of the world. - He is incredibly charming and loving, and makes even the simplest things so romantic. - Great kisser, great in bed, HUGE penis. - Comes from a really wonderful, big happy family...unlike my own. Or at least they seem happy from the outside. - He is dependable, if he says he’ll do something, he will. Except for the whole cheating thing... - He is an artist and incredibly talented. - He is a great conversationalist. - I just get a sense that we were meant to be, it’s a feeling that I can’t describe. He just “gets” me. I realize that my pro’s list is completely superficial, but I really do feel like I’ve fallen for this *******. WHY?? I guess this might speak volumes about my own self-esteem...which was starting to improve before all of this. I feel like his exciting life will allow him to get over this faster than me. And it sucks, but a part of still wants to be with him. I don’t know what to do. Well...I do, but it’s very difficult. Do you think there is a possibility he can change? Or is just acting this way now because his last girlfriend screwed him up?
USMCHokie Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Insta-LAUNCH. Drug use (not to mention possible dependency) and cheating are insta-deal breakers... Here's a question, would you have any problems telling a friend, family member or even a random stranger that this guy is a habitual drug user and cheated on you, but that you're proud to be with a guy like that?
EasyHeart Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Insta-LAUNCH. Drug use (not to mention possible dependency) and cheating are insta-deal breakers...Yup. Those are some fricking serious 'cons'. And you said it yourself: the 'pros' are all superficial. This one is a no brainer.
Author That_girl Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 No, I have not told my friends/family that I have communicated with him after all of this. I know that they would completely lose respect for me. He hasn't been contacting me for a few days, and I won't contact him...but I just wanted to be sure that I'm making the right choice. I know that I am on some level....but I can't shake the feeling that he is too good for me on a superficial level and I guess that's why I'm here. I've had to work hard for everything in my life, and I don't have much. He has SO much....and I just wanted to be exposed to more things with him.
luvnpain Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I am sorry, but the drugs would do it for me. That is a deal breaker. Some foreign element that changes his personality and morals (cheated) and makes him capable of doing anything. No way. Who knows what he is truly capable of? Yes it is possible for people to change, BUT this usually happens when they desire that change. That usually happens after they have hit rock bottom, and they do not have people making excuses and coddling them. He doesn't sound like he wants to stop, and I hope you don't think he will because of you. Save yourself. He is as toxic to you as the drugs are to him.
USMCHokie Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 He has SO much....and I just wanted to be exposed to more things with him. Even the bad...?
atlnay Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I don’t know what to do. Well...I do, but it’s very difficult. Do you think there is a possibility he can change? Anything is possible, but it's unlikely he will change. Or is just acting this way now because his last girlfriend screwed him up? It's not your job to be his therapist and figure that out, once you do, you're only setting yourself up to get sucked in even further. Because now you'll try to fix him or excuse him because his ex "screwed" him up. Sound like you know what's the best move for you logically but your emotions are ruling you right now which means you are in for a lot of drama before it all ends unless you use this as a tool to boost your self esteem and walk away now.
Author That_girl Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 I feel like I'm making him sound a lot worse than he is.....but I'm probably not. Reading it out loud and seeing these things is freaking me out. I shouldn't even have any positive feelings toward him at all. It all comes back to daddy issues I guess?
Knittress Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 So you're fallen for the hot, fascinating man who provides mind-blowing sex? Honestly, I do NOT get it. Whatever could EXPLAIN this attraction? I'd be a total idiot-goner too, which is why I AVOID getting involved with people who are bad for my mental health. And this guy sounds SERIOUSLY bad for your mental health. Of course you want him bad. That's entirely beside the point. With the traits you've listed do you think there's a chance in hades of this going well for you?
Star Gazer Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Can I ask why you contacted him while he was on vacation to tell him you *might* be pregnant? In all honesty, I smell some manipulation on your part as well.
tigressA Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Get rid of this guy, yesterday. That's all I have to say.
Mutant Debutante Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Let me ask you this, how much do you love the idea of living in constant drama?
Alma Mobley Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You need to get away from this guy. People like that do tend to make you feel like you have this great connection and everything is exciting, but he will MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL. Please get away from him for your own sense of sanity.
LisaLee Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Addicted drug user, cheater, liar, selfish, and big penis. Obviously a keeper. I can't believe you are even considering staying with him. Seems like you enjoy the drama that he has to offer more than anything else.
Surrealist Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 He could be your perfect match? Yes those are his pros and cons, however, do they match yours? If so you may well be suited, if not, then your LTR with this guy, if this is what you are seeking, is a sinking ship. You hoping he will change is a concern. Most guys are on their better behaviour throughout the initial stages of a relationship, only to have a tendency to grow worse over time. To be honest, given the advice I see you provide other members of this forum, I'm surprised you are with a guy of this nature. That's meant to be a compliment to you btw.
Alma Mobley Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 To be honest, given the advice I see you provide other members of this forum, I'm surprised you are with a guy of this nature. That's meant to be a compliment to you btw. You know, I was thinking this too. You seem to have such a good head on your shoulders. Maybe you should do what people here sometimes suggest where you reread your post and pretend it was written by someone else and then imagine what advice you would give that person.
Author That_girl Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Can I ask why you contacted him while he was on vacation to tell him you *might* be pregnant? In all honesty, I smell some manipulation on your part as well. We had unprotected sex before he left (once) and he ordered me to get the morning after pill. I didn't, and he wanted me to let him know what happened as soon as I found out. So I wasn't trying to manipulate him, he was supposedly worried before he left.
Author That_girl Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Addicted drug user, cheater, liar, selfish, and big penis. Obviously a keeper. I can't believe you are even considering staying with him. Seems like you enjoy the drama that he has to offer more than anything else. On some level, I think I do enjoy the drama. Hate to admit it, but his begging for forgiveness and his extreme romantic overtures are the most attention I've ever gotten from anyone. I realize that this is my problem and I need to own that. I used to be incredibly insecure with my first boyfriend, to the point where I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved and I deserved the abuse. I snapped out of that for a long time...but I see the same issues resurfacing with this guy. I also had control/jealous issues in the past as well....where I was the one acting possessive and needy. I think I see so much of myself in this new guy that I want to cut him some slack. The difference is that I haven't done any of these things to him....and I acknowledge my own behaviour. But yes, a little confusing because it hits so close to home.
Raderick Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Addicted drug user, cheater, liar, selfish, and big penis. Obviously a keeper. I can't believe you are even considering staying with him. Seems like you enjoy the drama that he has to offer more than anything else. Quoted for truth.
Author That_girl Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 You know, I was thinking this too. You seem to have such a good head on your shoulders. Maybe you should do what people here sometimes suggest where you reread your post and pretend it was written by someone else and then imagine what advice you would give that person. Thank you...it's never easy to take your own advice. It's a weakness.
Zapbasket Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 This is exactly the kind of scenario to which the phrase, "All is not gold that glitters," applies. Your "pros" list has nothing on it that balances out the items on your "cons" list. Believe me, I know how hard it is to resist the pull of charm, talent, looks and intelligence when they appear in a single package. But none of that matters when a person lacks integrity, loyalty, stability and willingness to compromise. What's the value in charm, talent and intelligence, for instance, when it can't enable a person to manage to be honorable?
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