Losing Faith Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 (edited) I am uncertain of how to read into what my guy is doing…. Preview: We’re in our mid/late 30’s and have been together for over 2 years. I know his friends and he knows my friends and we all get along The situation in question: My guy was invited to a Halloween party at his buddies house (His buddy and wife are hosting the party). I’ve met this couple; we’ve gone out of town w/ them before and had a blast. The e-vite said to feel free to bring a guest. Well… my boyfriend is attending…. But he is NOT listed as bringing a guest. Then I asked him last night if anything was going on Halloween weekend and he said nothing was going on that weekend. 75% of the people at this party will be married…. I get the feeling he wants to go to this party and that he isn’t going to ask me to join him. What should I make of that!!?!?!??! 1st off – it’s a holiday and he doesn’t want to make plans w/ me? 2ndly – it’s going to be a lot of couples there, so it’s not like it’s a “boys” night… so why isn’t he bringing me Please let me know what you think of this.. Is this acceptable? And what should I make of this? Edited October 19, 2010 by Losing Faith
Author Losing Faith Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 I've noticed that he does suff like this often.... When his buddies call him during the week to make plans, he has no problems committing to weekend plans with them. But when I ask him to make plans w/ me for the weekend, he says he needs to see what is going on first or that "it's too soon to tell". I'm getting pretty sick of this. Why does he do this?
atlnay Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I am uncertain of how to read into what my guy is doing…. Preview: We’re in our mid/late 30’s and have been together for over 2 years. I know his friends and he knows my friends and we all get along The situation in question: My guy was invited to a Halloween party at his buddies house (His buddy and wife are hosting the party). I’ve met this couple; we’ve gone out of town w/ them before and had a blast. The e-vite said to feel free to bring a guest. Well… my boyfriend is attending…. But he is NOT listed as bringing a guest. Then I asked him last night if anything was going on Halloween weekend and he said nothing was going on that weekend. How did you know about the party if he says nothing is going on?
Author Losing Faith Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 I know about the party cause a girlfriend of mine was invited as she is freinds w/ the wife. She saw my guy was going to the party alone and called to ask me why I wasn't going....
Author Losing Faith Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 Perhaps he really doesn't want to go. This is my guys "partner in crime" hosting this party.... May be he doesnt' want to go as we haven't had much down time in October... But I'm not so sure... he usually doesn't pass on a party w/ his buddy.
atlnay Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I know about the party cause a girlfriend of mine was invited as she is freinds w/ the wife. She saw my guy was going to the party alone and called to ask me why I wasn't going.... Ahhh ok, well why not just talk to him? Tell him you got a call about a party and is he planning to go? Then you'll see if he intended to go without you or not. Please let me know what you think of this.. Is this acceptable? And what should I make of this? As for it being acceptable, you said he does it often, so from his point of view, it has been acceptable. If you never brought it up before, why is it a problem now?
kdark Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 This is my guys "partner in crime" hosting this party.... May be he doesnt' want to go as we haven't had much down time in October... But I'm not so sure... he usually doesn't pass on a party w/ his buddy. Have you asked him if he wants to go?
BobSacamento Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Or maybe he's waiting for you to find something to do and wants to cover his bases. So I'm thinking if you don't bring anything to the table he'll have you come with him. Honestly if it's his "Partner in crime" does he truly have to RSVP?
Author Losing Faith Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 As for it being acceptable, you said he does it often, so from his point of view, it has been acceptable. If you never brought it up before, why is it a problem now? It has been an issue before.... I have just choosen other battles to fight and was trying to be an accomidating/understanding girlfriend ... but I am getting tired of being his 2nd choice and that is how he is making me feel. You guys are all so smart!!! BobSacamento - true... he really wouldn't have to RSVP. Atlnay & Kdark - Just talking to him would make perect sense. lol, you know us girls though... we like to over analys everything first. lol Thanks for talking me through this guys, i appreciate it. xoxo
atlnay Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Thanks for talking me through this guys, i appreciate it. xoxo You are pretty smart yourself, I saw the "talk to him" advice you gave another poster that's where I pulled it from...lol Seriously, we all tend to get caught up in our situation, it's hard to see the forest for the trees, so objective advice/questions, tend to clear the emotional fog sometimes. And tell him you've been accommodating and now you're are starting to feel like a 2nd choice. He may not be aware of it himself, as he has gotten accustomed to the pattern and now that it's an issue, this gives him a chance to do something and you both can now negotiate a better solution. Good luck to ya & happy Halloween!
BobSacamento Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I'll be totally honest, I don't even know what I am going AS for Halloween let alone what party I'm crashing haha
Knittress Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 (edited) Maybe the whole party-thing is no big deal to him and he just can't be bothered to plan that far ahead, sure. But... What would make me feel upset is how he didn't bring it up when you talked about Halloween, as if he was hiding something or trying to avoid spending time with you. Not in a major-drama way, but that was the perfect opening to invite you in on the fun and it just wasn't that important to him. I'm all for talking to him vs. blowing up or stewing in resentment. But honestly, I'd be picking up on 'he's not that into me' vibes and slowly eyeing the relationship-door. I need more from a man. That's me, though. Edited October 19, 2010 by Knittress
luvnpain Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I agree OP should talk to him but do get why she would raise her eyebrow at the instance. Could be she's being taken for granted, or maybe he is feeling a bit smothered. His friends or a friend of the hosts may not like you...could be anything really. Could be something to it, or not but you know him and we don't and it raised a red flag with you. Don't overlook your indicators, but don't be accusatory when you discuss with him either.
BobSacamento Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 And another thing, why the hell did the moron who made the invites not just put your name on the e-vite in the first place. I mean if you have been going out with this guy for 2 years and you know those people well I would think they would have put your name on it as well. They are treating this stupid Halloween party like it's a wedding lol
FructoseGrande Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Losing Faith, it seems pretty obvious that the reason you were not invited with your bf is because his social circle does not consider the two of you to be a "couple." They must regard you as his FWB or F-buddy, he undeniably told them to exclude you from the invite so he could try to meet some other chicks at this party.
D-Lish Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I'd raise an eyebrow over something like this too. If after 2 years he can't solidify plans a couple of weeks in advance with you, what are his long term intentions? And you mention this is a pattern with him? Maybe it's simply time for you to make yourself less available and start doing your own thing, making your own plans.
carhill Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 what should I make of this? Sounds to me like you have carte blanche to accept an invitation to any of the plethora of other Halloween parties which I'm sure would love to have you as a guest. I hope you both have a great time. Me, I'll be at 37,000 feet, which is my Halloween tradition, watching the Twighlight Zone movie
Author Losing Faith Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Thank you all for your replies, input, encouragement, and good points. I really apprecaite it. They were beneficial. Here's what happened... So... I asked him again last night about Halloween weekend... he said nothing was going on and he had no plans what so ever that weekend. So I tried to make plans with him on Oct. 30th (the night of the party)... he wouldn't committ to making any plans with me and tried to make plans w/ me for that Friday or Sunday instead. So then I asked him about his buddies party and if he was going to that... he got all worked up about it and asked how I knew about it. I told him a friend of mine was invited... then he tried to turn the tables on me. I think it is clear he was up to no good and got caught in another one of his lies. I've caught him lying to me in the past and have warned him about about this. I think its time I make my own plans for Halloween! Thanks again everyone! Have a safe and fun Halloween.
atlnay Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Information is power. And kudos to you on having direct communication with him. Now that it's all out, you saw how he reacted. Heard what he said. Trust your gut from this point forward. I think you always had signs something was off and rather than waste energy asking roundabout questions or getting him to go out on that night just to watch him squirm, I'm really glad you let him know, you knew. Enjoy your Halloween! Thank you all for your replies, input, encouragement, and good points. I really apprecaite it. They were beneficial. Here's what happened... So... I asked him again last night about Halloween weekend... he said nothing was going on and he had no plans what so ever that weekend. So I tried to make plans with him on Oct. 30th (the night of the party)... he wouldn't committ to making any plans with me and tried to make plans w/ me for that Friday or Sunday instead. So then I asked him about his buddies party and if he was going to that... he got all worked up about it and asked how I knew about it. I told him a friend of mine was invited... then he tried to turn the tables on me. I think it is clear he was up to no good and got caught in another one of his lies. I've caught him lying to me in the past and have warned him about about this. I think its time I make my own plans for Halloween! Thanks again everyone! Have a safe and fun Halloween.
Author Losing Faith Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Information is power. And kudos to you on having direct communication with him. Now that it's all out, you saw how he reacted. Heard what he said. Trust your gut from this point forward. I think you always had signs something was off and rather than waste energy asking roundabout questions or getting him to go out on that night just to watch him squirm, I'm really glad you let him know, you knew. Enjoy your Halloween! Thanks Atlnay. Your input was very beneficial and your kind, wise words are greatly appreciate! I wish you all the best in your endeavors! All my best to you. ~Bless you.
Knittress Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I really, really hope you dump his ass. It's obvious that he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings. He's just using you for companionship and sex until someone else comes along. It's been two years! How much more of your life are you going to waste on this guy?
carhill Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Now, watch for the 'oh, baby' side to come out. Men are so predictable, to other men, anyway... It ain't over yet...
Author Losing Faith Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 I really, really hope you dump his ass. It's obvious that he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings. He's just using you for companionship and sex until someone else comes along. It's been two years! How much more of your life are you going to waste on this guy? Thanks Knittress... I plan to be done with him. I know he cares about me... but I can't be his 2nd choice anymore. It's time he deals with the consequences of his actions and learns to grow up. Time for me to move forward! Thanks again! Now, watch for the 'oh, baby' side to come out. Men are so predictable, to other men, anyway... It ain't over yet... Thanks for the heads up Carhill. That is the tough part... I know he's going to do that too. I need to not give in to that... again! lol! Ugh!!! So cruel! Wish me luck and strength please!
xpaperxcutx Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Thanks Knittress... I plan to be done with him. I know he cares about me... but I can't be his 2nd choice anymore. It's time he deals with the consequences of his actions and learns to grow up. Time for me to move forward! Thanks again! It's not even about being second choice, but also the fact that after two years together, he still saw a need to lie and keep things from you; then blatantly turning the tables on you when you have done nothing wrong.
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