Lakeside_runner Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Two weeks ago, I posted a thread seeking advice regarding the 'no chemistry' issue. Well, here is an update. We met up two more times - one time I organized a picnic on the beach. Good thoughtful food, a nice wine, sunset and candles after dark. She appreciated it very much. Date ended with a kiss. I still had mixed feelings. Last weekend, we went to one of the 'haunted mazes'. It was pretty cool and semi-scary (the fact that the 'monsters' can't touch you just really spoils the whole fun but I can see why this rule is there). It was fun etc. and I'm glad I had somebody to go there with. However - there is the same issue as before. I'm just gonna do a reality check now... So, all in all - 4 dates, some just set up to be romantic and fun. I guess I can't force something to develop if the seed is not there, right? Don't get me wrong - she is a nice girl, has her life together. I am just not that into her. She's just not what I am looking for. I'm thinking of calling her today/tomorrow and just tell her that it has been fun but I don't see it going any further. Does that make me a bad person? The more I think about it the more I am convinced that if I want to be with someone we have to share the interest for running or triathlons. Is this weird and too much to ask? I ran the Long Beach half-marathon this weekend. There were 981 girls in the F25-29 division (my 'ideal' age range ) There is gotta be at least one of them who's single, right?
kdark Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Does that make me a bad person? No you're not a bad person. As a matter of fact, most people would be grateful to have someone tell them they aren't interested, rather than just disappear.
atlnay Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 So, all in all - 4 dates, some just set up to be romantic and fun. I guess I can't force something to develop if the seed is not there, right? Don't get me wrong - she is a nice girl, has her life together. I am just not that into her. She's just not what I am looking for. I'm thinking of calling her today/tomorrow and just tell her that it has been fun but I don't see it going any further. Does that make me a bad person? Hard is it is to say and to hear, it really is the kindest thing you can do. I met a guy mid summer, who was nice enough, attractive enough, had a LOT going for him, but I knew by our 3rd date there was NOTHING there. So I told him vs. stringing him along thinking the 4th or 5th date I would find the spark. The more I think about it the more I am convinced that if I want to be with someone we have to share the interest for running or triathlons. Is this weird and too much to ask? A while back did you have a girl that liked you but was intimidated by your running routine? I vaguely remember telling another runner that a couch potato/infrequent exerciser could be intimidated by that and their reply was the running wasn't that big of a deal just a hobby they enjoyed... If it wasn't you, disregard and no it's not weird to want someone to share something you are intensely passionate about. Odds are in your favor at least ONE of those chicks will be single. Have fun finding out which one!! lol
EyeAlone Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 So, all in all - 4 dates, some just set up to be romantic and fun. I guess I can't force something to develop if the seed is not there, right? Don't get me wrong - she is a nice girl, has her life together. I am just not that into her. She's just not what I am looking for. I'm thinking of calling her today/tomorrow and just tell her that it has been fun but I don't see it going any further. Does that make me a bad person? Nope, not a bad person at all. She'll probably be disappointed initially but in the long run she will appreciate you being upfront rather than stringing her along or disappearing. You gave it a good try, but if there's no chemistry, then that's just how it is. I also don't think it's weird or too much to ask for when you say that you want someone that's interested in running. There are tons of people that love running and you're doing the perfect thing to meet them.
FructoseGrande Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) The more I think about it the more I am convinced that if I want to be with someone we have to share the interest for running or triathlons. Is this weird and too much to ask?IMO, it's unrealistic and arbitrary. Yes, people often meet compatible partners while doing activities together. However, the converse is not true: It is not necessary nor sufficient that a potential partner be interested in the same recreational activities as you are. You are unnecessarily narrowing down the range of potential partners by arbitrarily deciding that they MUST also be as interested in running as are you. Obviously they should be cool with your running even if they don't actually participate themselves. Unless you are an elite professional runner, which I take it you aren't, then running/marathoning/triathaloning is basically a hobby or interest of yours. That's fine, but there are other things that are far more important than whether or not your partner happens to share your favorite hobby. You will also find, that if you meet someone who loves you, they will tend to accommodate your interest--maybe go with you to your races as a support person or to cheer you on. Basically, choosing a partner on the basis of superficial compatibility elements such as interests or hobbies might be a good ice breaker technique but most often is not a reliable basis for selection. There are some really great people out there and they don't all like triathalons. In fact most people probably don't have such an intense interest in it. Also, when you state "There were 981 women running at the last race" or whatever, you're kidding yourself if you think just because they happened to have that one particular similar interest to you, they would necessarily be compatible. Now, you're dating a perfectly nice girl who seems to like you and she's just not good enough for you, but you don't really state what if any actual negatives there are. Again this type of attitude strikes me as unrealistic. What exactly are you expecting to have happen when you go out on a date with a person? Like cupid's arrow hits you or something? I don't get it. Is she a decent person? Is she kind and honest? Is she reasonably attractive? Does she have potential as a partner/wife/mother (or whatever it is you are looking for?) Does SHE like YOU? (Perhaps the most important question.) You don't sound like you have numerous women falling all over you champ. Why not continue with this relationship and give it a chance? Stop looking for non-existent reasons to ditch this chick and then complain why you can't find a good woman. It sounds like you have one. By the way OP, what is "thoughtful food"? I laughed when I read that, it's actually what made me register to respond to your post, then I re-read your post and forgot about it. "Thoughtful food." Is English your first language? Edited October 20, 2010 by FructoseGrande
Author Lakeside_runner Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 By the way OP, what is "thoughtful food"? I laughed when I read that, it's actually what made me register to respond to your post, then I re-read your post and forgot about it. "Thoughtful food." Is English your first language? No, it's not. By "thoughtful" I meant that it has been chosen to accommodate her preference for Italian cuisine. I partially agree with your response. However as I re-read it, it reeks of settling. It just sounds like - "Lucky you, you found a girl who likes you so you should just suck it up and be happy that somebody actually likes you". And you know what? I don't like the sound of it. My expectations are not unreasonable, I am not discarding girls just because they are not super-models. It just a girl either has that something that makes me attracted to her or not. A lot of girls have it. This one, turns out, just doesn't. Yes, I am not a professional athlete. However I am pretty serious about running/triathlons. The mentioned race - I've ranked within the top 2% of the field (9800 runners).
FructoseGrande Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 No, it's not. By "thoughtful" I meant that it has been chosen to accommodate her preference for Italian cuisine. OK. I partially agree with your response. However as I re-read it, it reeks of settling. That all depends on what you mean be settling; what you want out of a woman; what you want out of a relationship; and what you want out of life. I'm not getting a clear picture of anything being really deficient about this girl you've been dating. If she is not physically attractive to you then yeah I agree, but then why did you date her at all in the first place? It just sounds like - "Lucky you, you found a girl who likes you so you should just suck it up and be happy that somebody actually likes you". Well, frankly, if you or anyone can find someone who's 1) available 2) sane 3) nice 4) seems to be compatible 5) seems to be interested in you enough to want to keep dating you after four dates--how is that not "lucky"? I don't get why you wouldn't be happy about finding someone like that. Lots of people go there entire lives and can never find someone like that. It's not a matter of sucking it up. It's a matter more of defining realistic expectations. You have a relationship started with a perfectly nice woman, if you want it, on a silver platter so to speak, yet that's not good enough for you. Are you sure this isn't a case of: "Wow I think she really likes me, therefore, I'm not interested in her"? And you know what? I don't like the sound of it. My expectations are not unreasonable, I am not discarding girls just because they are not super-models. Dude--you can HAVE a relationship with a real live human warm blooded woman, it's right there, and yet you want to run away from it. She is right there for you. Why do you think that she is not good enough for you? It just a girl either has that something that makes me attracted to her or not. A lot of girls have it. This one, turns out, just doesn't. What is the "something" that makes you attracted? You are dancing around this issue a little bit. "It" can't be an obvious physical characteristic, because you'd know this girl didn't have "it" and wouldn't have date her in the first place. Yes, I am not a professional athlete. However I am pretty serious about running/triathlons. The mentioned race - I've ranked within the top 2% of the field (9800 runners). The top 2% out of 9800 implies that there may have been up to 195 runners who were faster than you, just in that particular race. Getting back to the woman at hand: Seriously, do you have any other realistic available options? I'm not talking in your fantasy-land of the mystery woman you dream of meeting one day at a triathalon who is not involved with someone, who is not crazy, who is reasonably compatible with you, and who actually likes you. (Obviously if you do hook up with a highly competitive female triathlete, one danger would be that she will be competitive with you re: athletic accomplishments, which won't be too cool. Could you really deal with a woman who was a better runner than you? That would be an ego crusher wouldn't it?) I'm talking about right now, here and now, in actual reality, not in your mind. I guess the grass is always greener. But you'll learn, my friend. One day, you'll learn.
Star Gazer Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I am just not that into her. She's just not what I am looking for. Why, exactly? The more I think about it the more I am convinced that if I want to be with someone we have to share the interest for running or triathlons. Is this weird and too much to ask? If this girl was a runner, would you be into her?
johan Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You probably want a girl who is thin and athletic and matches your lifestyle. Who doesn't. I doubt you really require a girl who is into running and triathlons. If she was hot enough and had a reasonably interesting personality, you'd accept her regardless of her activity of choice. As long as yours and hers don't keep you apart all the time. Or at least if she could show up and support you.
Star Gazer Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You probably want a girl who is thin and athletic and matches your lifestyle. Who doesn't. I doubt you really require a girl who is into running and triathlons. If she was hot enough and had a reasonably interesting personality, you'd accept her regardless of her activity of choice. As long as yours and hers don't keep you apart all the time. Or at least if she could show up and support you. Do we know that she's not thin, athletic, hot, with a reasonably interesting personality? Or did I miss that?
johan Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Do we know that she's not thin, athletic, hot, with a reasonably interesting personality? Or did I miss that? If she was, then he'd be posting about how he found the love of his life.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 That all depends on what you mean be settling; what you want out of a woman; what you want out of a relationship; and what you want out of life. I'm not getting a clear picture of anything being really deficient about this girl you've been dating. If she is not physically attractive to you then yeah I agree, but then why did you date her at all in the first place? Yeah, the physical attraction from my side is not sufficient. I continued to date her because I wanted to give it a chance and see if something can develop over time. Well, frankly, if you or anyone can find someone who's 1) available 2) sane 3) nice 4) seems to be compatible 5) seems to be interested in you enough to want to keep dating you after four dates--how is that not "lucky"? I don't get why you wouldn't be happy about finding someone like that. Lots of people go there entire lives and can never find someone like that. I am not excited to go on a date with her. I am not getting all shaky that I get to see her. The kiss felt really weird, it wasn't awkward, there was no pleasure. It's not a matter of sucking it up. It's a matter more of defining realistic expectations. You have a relationship started with a perfectly nice woman, if you want it, on a silver platter so to speak, yet that's not good enough for you. Are you sure this isn't a case of: "Wow I think she really likes me, therefore, I'm not interested in her"? I don't think it's a case of "Wow...". She is nice, we are just not compatible. As I got to know her better, she'd be a good friend but I don't want to be romantically involved with her. Dude--you can HAVE a relationship with a real live human warm blooded woman, it's right there, and yet you want to run away from it. She is right there for you. Why do you think that she is not good enough for you? It's not that she's not good enough for me. I don't have that kind of a feeling about dating/seeing her that I am supposed to have at this point for not to hurt her down the road. What is the "something" that makes you attracted? You are dancing around this issue a little bit. "It" can't be an obvious physical characteristic, because you'd know this girl didn't have "it" and wouldn't have date her in the first place. That "it" is actually a loosely defined set of physical features. It is mostly the girl's eyes that makes me go crazy. Sadly, not in this case. The top 2% out of 9800 implies that there may have been up to 195 runners who were faster than you, just in that particular race. Correct, more precisely 166. I usually place in the top 2% of the field. And that's OK. Now, it isn't an absolute must that my potential match is able to run a 3:00:00 marathon but I think that training for and running a marathon together can be a really nice bonding experience. Even if she's not a runner, I don't think I want to date someone who has no interest in being active and by active I mean something more than an occasional Sunday bike ride. Getting back to the woman at hand: Seriously, do you have any other realistic available options? I'm not talking in your fantasy-land of the mystery woman you dream of meeting one day at a triathalon who is not involved with someone, who is not crazy, who is reasonably compatible with you, and who actually likes you. No, I don't have any other options and I am fine with that. I am not desperate to be in a relationship and I won't whine here later that I am single. I think that not stringing her along is more fair to her and will give her a chance to meet someone who's going to see their world in her. (Obviously if you do hook up with a highly competitive female triathlete, one danger would be that she will be competitive with you re: athletic accomplishments, which won't be too cool. Could you really deal with a woman who was a better runner than you? That would be an ego crusher wouldn't it?) No it wouldn't. I actually would love it!!! I'm talking about right now, here and now, in actual reality, not in your mind. I guess the grass is always greener. But you'll learn, my friend. One day, you'll learn. Just out of curiosity: what gives you the right to be so condescending?
Author Lakeside_runner Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Why, exactly? Conversations are not really stimulating, I really feel neutral about her, I'm not looking forward to our meetings. If she'd end it I wouldn't be sad. There is nothing, simply nothing from my side between me and her. If this girl was a runner, would you be into her? No, I wouldn't...
OceanGirl Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You probably want a girl who is thin and athletic and matches your lifestyle. Who doesn't. I doubt you really require a girl who is into running and triathlons. If she was hot enough and had a reasonably interesting personality, you'd accept her regardless of her activity of choice. As long as yours and hers don't keep you apart all the time. Or at least if she could show up and support you. I agree with this. I felt the same way about the last guy I dated for a month. Nice guy, good looking, intelligent..I just wasn't even close to falling in love with him. Don't feel bad..but do break it off, otherwise you are leading her on. Offer to stay friends.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 You probably want a girl who is thin and athletic and matches your lifestyle. Who doesn't. I doubt you really require a girl who is into running and triathlons. If she was hot enough and had a reasonably interesting personality, you'd accept her regardless of her activity of choice. As long as yours and hers don't keep you apart all the time. Or at least if she could show up and support you. I actually thought about it a lot recently and have noticed that there is a lot of girls to whom I am attracted, yet they are not universally hot. To be more precise - I like girls who are somehow involved in sports involving any sorts of cardio, regardless of what it is.
Star Gazer Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I actually thought about it a lot recently and have noticed that there is a lot of girls to whom I am attracted, yet they are not universally hot. To be more precise - I like girls who are somehow involved in sports involving any sorts of cardio, regardless of what it is. So this girl never exercises??
Star Gazer Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 No, I wouldn't... So really, it has nothing to do with her not being a runner/triathlete/sporty chick. You just don't feel that unexplainable za za zoo. You don't need to rationalize it any further than that. You can't force feelings that aren't there. I give you props for trying, and laying the groundwork for something to develop (the picnic and maze dates especially, were awesome ). If that somethin' special isn't there under those circumstances, it never will be. Don't feel bad... but communicate how you're feeling to her. Don't make it about her though, just about that missing something special.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 So this girl never exercises?? Very occasionally. She doesn't really have a hobby either. To wrap up the lengthy topic - the whole thing just feels like blah. There is no excitement, no looking forward to a new slowly developing relationship and I think it is not fair towards her. Haha, I may sign up for the 'dating apathy' club forming here recently.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 So really, it has nothing to do with her not being a runner/triathlete/sporty chick. You just don't feel that unexplainable za za zoo. You don't need to rationalize it any further than that. You can't force feelings that aren't there. I give you props for trying, and laying the groundwork for something to develop (the picnic and maze dates especially, were awesome ). If that somethin' special isn't there under those circumstances, it never will be. Don't feel bad... but communicate how you're feeling to her. Don't make it about her though, just about that missing something special. I agree with that. I also think that I need a break from dating and just enjoy life for what it is
Star Gazer Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Very occasionally. She doesn't really have a hobby either. To wrap up the lengthy topic - the whole thing just feels like blah. There is no excitement, no looking forward to a new slowly developing relationship and I think it is not fair towards her. Then that's it. [/thread] Haha, I may sign up for the 'dating apathy' club forming here recently. Nah. You got a little tingle at the prospect of all those little hotties at the half. That's not apathy. Go get 'em, LR.
Star Gazer Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Would you say she is objectively pretty? Don't make this about you and your issues, OG.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Would you say she is objectively pretty? Can't really tell, the beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I would say she's average or slightly above. She just isn't my type.
Knittress Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I don't know why people are being so hard on Lakeside Runner. I get peeved when people talk about 'lifestyle' and 'fitness' when they're really making cloaked judgments about how they think they deserve a runway model. I really don't think that's the CASE with this guy. He wants a woman who shares his values, and one of them just happens to be athleticism.
Recommended Posts