Cautiously optimistic?

[siuys]

It's been a while since I posted. Things with separated MM have been really good. He's much more stable emotionally, and really seems to start getting his life back together, including spending time with me. We see each other maybe twice a week, with limited contact in between meeting.

 

I feel good, but scared. Because he has flipped and flopped before, I fear that will happen again. I miss him a lot when I don't see him, and can't understand why I get like that (never experienced this before). As things only started getting better about a month ago, I have not thought about his D, and have not felt weird about this R still being a secret. Slowly I feel that I don't want to be a secret anymore, but I don't want to blow another bomb at his family just yet either. I guess the point I am trying to make is that I am optimistic, but yet fearful. I guess seeing a separated man IS PLAIN high risk. I don't know what I'm looking for by posting. Perhaps your opinion? I take it a week at a time. My life is back on track and I am not obsessing anymore, but I guess I find it hard to trust my feelings.

 

Anyway, it's a rant. Feel free to comment. Would love to hear what you have to say...

[Confused4Now]

It's been a while since I posted. Things with separated MM have been really good. He's much more stable emotionally, and really seems to start getting his life back together, including spending time with me. We see each other maybe twice a week, with limited contact in between meeting.

 

I feel good, but scared. Because he has flipped and flopped before, I fear that will happen again. I miss him a lot when I don't see him, and can't understand why I get like that (never experienced this before). As things only started getting better about a month ago, I have not thought about his D, and have not felt weird about this R still being a secret. Slowly I feel that I don't want to be a secret anymore, but I don't want to blow another bomb at his family just yet either. I guess the point I am trying to make is that I am optimistic, but yet fearful. I guess seeing a separated man IS PLAIN high risk. I don't know what I'm looking for by posting. Perhaps your opinion? I take it a week at a time. My life is back on track and I am not obsessing anymore, but I guess I find it hard to trust my feelings.

 

Anyway, it's a rant. Feel free to comment. Would love to hear what you have to say...

Well I can say that is actually progress and I understand where you are at. I think at some point you are tired of the secret stuff is which is why I got out. My xMW still lives the lie even with me not in the picture. I feel sorry for people who are stuck....make sure you stay optimistic and people think things will get easier once they remove themselves from M but I think it's going to be a tough road. Even when I got divorce I went through a whole lot of things.

 

I've been following your story keep the faith and I wish you all the luck....

[siuys]

Thanks for the encouragement, Confused4now. I will continue to take it a week at a time and keep my head firmly screwed on. I appreciate your comments and have always been interested in what you have to say... just curious, where are you at? How long has it been since you had contact with your xMW? How long after your separation or divorce did you feel ok again?

[Grace2010]

So glad to see you posting again, Siuys. I've been wondering how you are.

 

I'm glad that things are going as well as they are right now, and I think you're smart to keep it in the here and now for the time being. I also SO hear you on being tired of your R staying a secret (but I'm betting you're reluctant to push).

 

I don't have any advice...didn't get to stay in that stage for long before we had D-Day and the S hit the fan (getting through it, but if you can enjoy that 'flying under the radar' a little bit longer, do). Enjoy any breaks you can get and just love each other.

[fooled once]

It's been a while since I posted. Things with separated MM have been really good. He's much more stable emotionally, and really seems to start getting his life back together, including spending time with me. We see each other maybe twice a week, with limited contact in between meeting.

 

I feel good, but scared. Because he has flipped and flopped before, I fear that will happen again. I miss him a lot when I don't see him, and can't understand why I get like that (never experienced this before). As things only started getting better about a month ago, I have not thought about his D, and have not felt weird about this R still being a secret. Slowly I feel that I don't want to be a secret anymore, but I don't want to blow another bomb at his family just yet either. I guess the point I am trying to make is that I am optimistic, but yet fearful. I guess seeing a separated man IS PLAIN high risk. I don't know what I'm looking for by posting. Perhaps your opinion? I take it a week at a time. My life is back on track and I am not obsessing anymore, but I guess I find it hard to trust my feelings.

 

Anyway, it's a rant. Feel free to comment. Would love to hear what you have to say...

 

So he is moved out? You say you miss him when you don't see him, which is why I asked if he is moved out?

 

I agree with the others; I would take it slow...don't be so quick to make the affair public. By public, do you mean public to his wife? If so, I would definitely not do that yet; especially if he flops again and stays with the marriage.

 

Keep a guard on your heart, at least a little. While all relationships are a risk, those with MM are more risky, IMHO since he already has a committed relationship. Look at Karma and Star Bright - both thought the MM they were involved with was leaving, yet in the end, both have returned to the marriage. You don't want that to happen to you too. Make sure he isn't your life and he isn't consuming your every thought.

 

Good luck

[Star_Bright]

So he is moved out? You say you miss him when you don't see him, which is why I asked if he is moved out?

 

I agree with the others; I would take it slow...don't be so quick to make the affair public. By public, do you mean public to his wife? If so, I would definitely not do that yet; especially if he flops again and stays with the marriage.

 

Keep a guard on your heart, at least a little. While all relationships are a risk, those with MM are more risky, IMHO since he already has a committed relationship. Look at Karma and Star Bright - both thought the MM they were involved with was leaving, yet in the end, both have returned to the marriage. You don't want that to happen to you too. Make sure he isn't your life and he isn't consuming your every thought.

 

Good luck

 

Hi, just wanted to step in and clarify... my exM did leave and he has still not returned to his marriage... well, I guess it depends on the definition because he has not filed for divorce yet he is still separated/living on his own. But the bigger thing to me is that he is still an azzclown ha ha. Just kidding about the azzclown part, pretty much, but what I mean is that the reason I'm not with him isn't that he went back home. (Although he was and I'm sure still is so confused I had no idea if he was going to do that or not - not a fun place to be for sure). I'm not with him because he was treating me badly and waffling, but not because he went back home.

 

They DO leave, I think it's a common misconception that they NEVER do. And I'm sure many STAY gone but many also go back home, yes. But what I learned is that once they leave it becomes a whole new "relationship" with a whole new set of struggles. The affair while they're living at home is a lot more fun and care-free with a focus on just being together as much as possible, even though yeah there's pain when they return to the wife. But after they leave in my experience everything gets muddled, especially if they are confused and not really sure if they want to leave. I think it's kind of a darned if they do, darned if they don't scenario (Oh poor MMs, ha ha). They want to have a relationship with OW and if they stay home, everyone says, he doesn't love you enough to leave, and if they leave, everyone says, he is going to go back home just wait and see... I guess the only way they really "win" is to actually get divorced. And that's how it should be because otherwise they can wreck a lot of havoc with everyone's hearts and it can be up in the air and all you can do is protect yourself Siuys, just be realistic and aware like you're doing. I do understand why MMs get bashed so much on here but sometimes when they actually do take the steps they need to end their marriage I think that's deserving of recognition, because, as we see so many times, many MMs don't, even if they say they love OW.

 

Siuys I wish you the best no matter what happens. I hope it all works out well for you!

[Confused4Now]

Thanks for the encouragement, Confused4now. I will continue to take it a week at a time and keep my head firmly screwed on. I appreciate your comments and have always been interested in what you have to say... just curious, where are you at? How long has it been since you had contact with your xMW? How long after your separation or divorce did you feel ok again?

Thanks so much for the words....let me start by saying this. My xMW was a good distraction to what I was going through when I started my divorce. To say it was all me wouldn't be fair. My xMW was there to support me through the early times and throughout my divorce. But when my divorce went final 16 months after I left the house. That's when you can say I start feeling comfortable about everything. I felt it would be a good time for my xMW to start her's. Well it never happened and I could see it all the way cause I didn't have all the drama of the D.

 

Today my xMW continues to try and pull me in....however I made it clear I will have no contact with a married woman. I told her divorce papers in hand and either her or H removed before I'd even think about coming back in the picture. OH BTW I'm 32 months since I left my marriage now.....I'm focused on working on myself. I keep very busy with sports and my family. I haven't really dated cause like I said I don't want to go there yet. I'm comfortable with being by myself now....

[siuys]

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's very interesting for me to hear your opinions and experience. FooledOnce, my MM left home almost 6 months ago. It was just hard at the beginning after he left coz he was a mess, and was at one stage unsure about whether he should give his M another go. Turned out that he made that decision under very emotional and unstable conditions and he reverted within a week. But the fact is, he did flip on me. After that, he flipped again and asked for space (NC for 6 months) but he never managed (neither did I) so most NC we've had was 3 weeks.

 

I think the reason why things have improved now is because enough time has passed and he is no longer freaking out, and that he is more used to the whole idea of separation and divorce. The fact that he has been working hard on himself and being in IC also helped a great deal. It's still early days, and I think like Confused4Now said, about year to year and a half is a realistic time frame to get over something and to get a grip on things. I have been divorced and it took me a year to get over it truly despite the fact that I was 'over it' before the separation.

 

Goes to show every situation is different. But all in all, I agree with Confused4Now about not getting involved with someone still married. I know myself I would never do it again.

 

I realise MM still has stuff to sort out, a new living arrangement to get used to...etc. The road is still a long one. He said to me the other day he just wants to get to the end of the year. So day by day is the only way to go... I get anxious at times, but I remind myself he is different now, and I should enjoy our time together, get to know him better, and decide whether he is really someone I want to be with in the long term...

 

Thanks guys.

[Kismetly]

x.............newbie, posted on wrong thread, sorry....