She's gone off sex

[robaday]

Hey,

 

I've been dating someone for about 2 months. For the first month we had sex like 3 times a day, prob three times a week. The last four times Ive seen her she's been completely disinterested in sex.

 

Im not really sure what to do now. Were still sleeping together, she claims it's got nothing to do with me and she still finds me attractive.

 

I asked her just to be honest if shes not feeling it, she says thats not the case, but her actions show otherwise-she's either tired, not feeling well or on the last occasion started an argument.

 

I like her, but Im hesitant to commit fully if it carries on much longer, she claims she's not seeing anyone else, but i dont really want to be a back up plan in offchance she is.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

This is always the beginning of the end. Break up with her now, and tell her to give you a call if she finds herself interested in you again.

[Template]

Kick her to the curb.. Joking.

 

Seriously though, sex can be, and many times is, the glue that holds a relationship together. I say communicate your needs, and if she doesn't want to go along with it, then you make your choice. How would she feel if she came home and said she needed to talk, and you say, nah! I know I'm going to get blasted by some women (who'll probably say, "relationships is more than about sex" and you're right), but sex is an important piece of the puzzle. Same as honesty, openness, things in common, etc. If she isn't open to tending to your needs, then should you be open to hers? A healthy relationship is all about helping to meet each other's needs.

[robaday]

Thanks, I didn't want to admit it, but if it keeps happening, Im going to start losing confidence. I don't mind if she's not in the mood, I guess if she sleeps round there is an expectation we'd have sex, similar if I sleep round at hers.

 

Should I just step back for awhile?

 

I thought of going on one more date, arranging something really cool and if it happens again I'll say I'm going to start seeing other people (we're dating exclusively at the moment)

[Knittress]

She's declined sex FOUR times and you're already considering looking for someone else? Um. If I were her I wouldn't feel like having sex with you either. I'd pick up on that why-aren't-you-servicing-me-already mentality and start distancing myself emotionally, consciously or not.

 

I'm not saying it's bad to want to screw the daylights out of someone you're seeing. I'm saying that it's offputting that all it takes for you to lose interest in a person is FOUR possibly-legitimate instances of being too busy/tired. I can see how this could be frustrating, I do - but your 'she's no longer useful' reaction towards her doesn't spark any warm feelings of sympathy here.

 

If you decide to threaten her that she needs to start putting out of you're going to start seeing others, I GUARANTEE it's not going to make her feel any hornier towards you. But hey, I hope you do her a favor and ignore me.

[bac]

Thanks, I didn't want to admit it, but if it keeps happening, Im going to start losing confidence. I don't mind if she's not in the mood, I guess if she sleeps round there is an expectation we'd have sex, similar if I sleep round at hers.

 

Should I just step back for awhile?

 

I thought of going on one more date, arranging something really cool and if it happens again I'll say I'm going to start seeing other people (we're dating exclusively at the moment)

 

I would assume that you are young and you do not have many experiences of LTRs. There is probably no girl who can handle easily sex 3 times per day and 3 times per week. At first, she did her best and tried to please you, but in a long term it is impossible to have sex so often for an average girl. I would assume that it is also impossible to have sex so often for a male as well if it is a LTR.

In general, an average girl can handle probably sex 2-3 times per week/1-2 rounds in a LTR.

I can not imagine your girl having another male because she should not be hungry for sex at all.

[robaday]

I can understand how that comes across, really I can Knittress and thanks for your opinion, Ill remember that.

 

To add context she stripped off and put on extremely sexy clothes three weeks ago, then when she climbed into bed told me she wasn't in the mood-perhaps that kind of thing is normal but the only thing i felt was immense frustration. I didn't fart, burp, or tell her i wanted to do her like a caveman prior to her climbing in:)

[Sabali]

I think the biggest problem here is that you voiced concerns about it. I mean you have been dating her for two months. This is not a 2 year thing or marriage. You even alluded to the fact that there is no commitment. I think you will look weak for it.

 

 

At this point, either she is down with regular sex or she is not. No need to pressure her with the probing. Once the sex start going, the relationship is right on the heels.

 

Yes, step back but don't expect dramatic results. Just don't breathe down her neck on this.

[robaday]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I guess Ive noticed a marked change in attitude from her recently, not just the sex, just she's been a little more critical than usual.

 

I've been trying to keep my cool and not react. By her words she's indicated she wants a relationship, I guess it's her actions the last two weeks have said something different.

 

Maybe this is what happens when you plunge into a frantic sex life without getting to know where each other are at.

[that girl]

No one, male or female, will be psyched to have sex every single day of their lives. Tired and sick are legit reasons to not have sex. Not that sex isn't important, but it isn't supposed to be something you suffer through even when you feel like crap.

 

I thought of going on one more date, arranging something really cool and if it happens again I'll say I'm going to start seeing other people (we're dating exclusively at the moment)

Wow this is a jerk move. Date her or don't date her, but to try and bully her into sleeping with you because she has had a few off nights is a real jerk move. It doesn't speak well of your charecter.

 

just she's been a little more critical than usual.

About what? That comment about how if she doesn't put out you're going to start seeing other people makes me think you might be doing some really shady stuff.

 

At this point, either she is down with regular sex or she is not.

Except he said one of her reasons was that she was feeling sick. It isn't crazy for someone to have a cold for 4 days and he doesn't seem like the most considerate of men.

[FructoseGrande]

Hey,

 

I've been dating someone for about 2 months. For the first month we had sex like 3 times a day, prob three times a week. The last four times Ive seen her she's been completely disinterested in sex.

 

Im not really sure what to do now. Were still sleeping together, she claims it's got nothing to do with me and she still finds me attractive.

 

I asked her just to be honest if shes not feeling it, she says thats not the case, but her actions show otherwise-she's either tired, not feeling well or on the last occasion started an argument.

 

I like her, but Im hesitant to commit fully if it carries on much longer, she claims she's not seeing anyone else, but i dont really want to be a back up plan in offchance she is.

 

4x in a row, sleeping with you but denying sex? (after being quite sexual?)

 

Most likely she's already seeing another dude or at least seriously thinking about it. When women depart emotionally they often cut off the sex. Also many women can't break off with one guy before they have the next guy lined up.

 

OP, ignore the posters who are criticizing you for wanting to have sex with your gf and being concerned and hurt that she's cut you off cold. I guess any excuse to bash a man, right?

 

I actually think it's kind of sick/dysfunctional of her, to sleep with you, and have the expectation that sex would not happen. Once or twice, yeah maybe it's a "headache" or something. Four x in a row = your relationship is done.

 

Time to move on.

 

Apparently she hit it and is quitting it.

[FructoseGrande]

I can understand how that comes across, really I can Knittress and thanks for your opinion, Ill remember that.

 

To add context she stripped off and put on extremely sexy clothes three weeks ago, then when she climbed into bed told me she wasn't in the mood-perhaps that kind of thing is normal but the only thing i felt was immense frustration. I didn't fart, burp, or tell her i wanted to do her like a caveman prior to her climbing in:)

 

 

A pure manipulation move on her part, I'm afraid. She's treating you like a doormat. It's extremely disrespectful for her to get all sexied up, climb into bed with you, and then deny sex to you. She's building reasons in her head to dump you for the "new guy" whoever that is.

 

I'd move on. This relationship should only be counted as a fun fling and it sounds clearly as if it's run its course.

[Sabali]

I think the biggest problem here is that you voiced concerns about it. I mean you have been dating her for two months. This is not a 2 year thing or marriage. You even alluded to the fact that there is no commitment. I think you will look weak for it.

 

 

At this point, either she is down with regular sex or she is not. No need to pressure her with the probing. Once the sex start going, the relationship is right on the heels.

 

Yes, step back but don't expect dramatic results. Just don't breathe down her neck on this.

 

Yep. No sex and criticism rising is very often the recipe for giving you your walking papers soon.

 

Keep your dignity here.

 

No amount of inquiry or spilling of feelings will help you on this one. It will only make things worse. When a woman is working on moving on, ain't nothing you can say will change it. You can only delay it but it's not worth the continued investment on your part and her only exiting later.

 

 

I would bet every thing on that she has someone waiting in the shadows ready to replace you so don't let your ego get the best of you. It happens. The key here is to exit with grace.

 

The best case scenario is that she needs space. The worst case scenario is that she is ready to move on and you are about to get your walking papers. Either way, the best thing to do is back off. Once a relationship starts back pedaling, it is extremely difficult to get it moving forward again, especially young relationships. They can remain static and people can exist like that for a long time but the back pedaling is usually never good. In any event, backing off is your greatest option.

 

 

Don't question her on it. If it was an older relationship, you can probably get away with that. If there is something that is bothering her and she really wants to fix it to continue the relationship she would wake you up in the middle of the night while you are dreaming about sexy celebrity to talk to you about it.

[Knittress]

OP, ignore the posters who are criticizing you for wanting to have sex with your gf and being concerned and hurt that she's cut you off cold. I guess any excuse to bash a man, right?

 

I was bashing the OP for acting like a knuckle-dragging user, not all men in general. And then he posted in a more thoughtful tone and I decided he might deserve the benefit of the doubt. Unlike you, who decides anyone who disagrees with him is carrying out a mindless vendetta.

 

Your initial attitude totally pissed me off, OP-guy, but I don't know the entirety of the situation and some of the guys might be right about this chick.

[robaday]

Thanks for the MIXED feedback guys! typical it's very much a gender split.

 

I guess there's nothing I can do about this. Since seeing her I haven't been needy or insecure, or jealous, and haven't skipped any dates (something I was prone to do in the past with other women), Ive treated her with respect and maintained a busy life. But I guess my reaction the other night probably said it all, I wont lie I was disappointed.

 

I'm gonna leave her be, and let her contact me for the short term. Make plans with friends over weekend, I could do with a night out. I guess what troubles me is how self conscious I felt trying to instigate it the other night, like I was going to be shot down before I even tried.

 

I need to work on my confidence.

[make me believe]

Well, I'm a female, and I think there is a big problem with this girl's behavior. Rejecting someone four times in a row IS a lot, especially when you've only been having sex for a month! Sex is extremely important in a relationship, and if there are issues with it this early on, take it as a red flag. I think she was probably having sex 3x a day in the beginning as a way to hook you, but she may not actually be a very sexual person and now her true colors are coming out.

[waynebrady]

Women are not nearly as sexual as men are. If you break it up with her, you will have the same problem and feel equally frustrated with the next woman... and the next woman and so on. As a man you will get rejected the majority of times even by your gf/wife/so. You have to accept the fact that women are just not that into sex.

 

My advice is to not try to initiate sex every day, wait like atleast a week between times. Women in general get offended when men want to have sex with them, so that way you won't seem like a jerk so much.

[robaday]

I dont really agree, she initiated sex more times than I did, and previous girlfriends or lovers have never given me the impression their sex drive is any different-if anything mine's low in comparison to the two relationships ive had.

 

She's just invited me to three upcoming events (earlier today), and Ive declined two but we're meeting later in the week-Ive got an obscene amount of work to do, she then tells me she's feeling insecure, i shrugged it off-after two months its not my job to fix her insecurity issues, she knows Im not dating anyone else and ive made it pretty clear i like her.

 

If anything I think she's just confused-we've seen each other a great deal (prob quicker than Im comfortable with). I dont want to be a jerk to her but also dont want to be messed around with, so for the moment im gonna just give her space and slow the pace a little.

[that girl]

She's just invited me to three upcoming events (earlier today),

 

This makes it pretty unlikely that she is screwing around the way some posters suggested.

 

then tells me she's feeling insecure, i shrugged it off-after two months its not my job to fix her insecurity issues

It isn't your job to fix anyone's issues, but I don't think shrugging it off is a good plan either.

 

If she's feeling insecure about your relationship, it could be worth a short talk.

 

If she's feeling insecure about herself because she got a bad grade on a test, spending a couple of minutes reassuring her that everyone has a bad grade now and again is the only decent thing to do.

 

I don't think a complete disinterest in sex is normal, but I really get this vibe from your posts that you are either wanting to cut and run or you are one hell of a selfish guy. Do you like this girl as a person?

 

There's the "it isn't my job to deal with her insecurities" which is kind of true and kind of heartless.

 

To add context she stripped off and put on extremely sexy clothes three weeks ago, then when she climbed into bed told me she wasn't in the mood

Did she take off her clothes and put on another even sexier outfit before flopping into bed? That is just odd and I wonder if something is missing. "We went to a party and when we got home at 2am, she stripped down to her undies and fell asleep" is really different than "She taunted me with sexy lingerie and then said she was too tired."

 

if it happens again I'll say I'm going to start seeing other people (we're dating exclusively at the moment)

It is like you expect her to be quasi-dumped and race after to you to prove herself with wild sex. It think the more likely reaction is that she'd dump you and call up her girlfriend to complain about you.

[make me believe]

Women are not nearly as sexual as men are. If you break it up with her, you will have the same problem and feel equally frustrated with the next woman... and the next woman and so on. As a man you will get rejected the majority of times even by your gf/wife/so. You have to accept the fact that women are just not that into sex.

 

My advice is to not try to initiate sex every day, wait like atleast a week between times. Women in general get offended when men want to have sex with them, so that way you won't seem like a jerk so much.

 

Hah! You're dating the wrong girls, buddy. I very rarely turn my fiance down for sex (pretty much only if I'm so tired I'm afraid I'll fall asleep during it ), and I initiate it as often as he does. I am never offended when he wants me sexually. You have some really skewed views about women & sex if this is what you really think.

 

OP, it sounds like this girl is still interested in pursuing a relationship with you. So I really think that this is the old "bait and switch." She pretended to be interested in sex to hook you, but now that she thinks she has you, suddenly sleeping with you isn't high on her priority list.

[utterer of lies]

Women are not nearly as sexual as men are. If you break it up with her, you will have the same problem and feel equally frustrated with the next woman... and the next woman and so on. As a man you will get rejected the majority of times even by your gf/wife/so. You have to accept the fact that women are just not that into sex.

 

What? What world do you live on? This is pure bull****, and I feel sorry for you for believing this.

 

On a side note, I should probably send this to some ex gfs of mine, for laughs.

[sumdude]

Back off a little and see what happens.

[FructoseGrande]

She's just invited me to three upcoming events (earlier today)

 

This new info casts a different and perhaps more hopeful light on the situation.

 

It is just possible, just possible, that mentally, she has "escalated" the relationship in her mind. Maybe now she is not simply looking at you as her latest boytoy, but as LTR material.

 

If she was seeing someone else I wouldn't think she would keep inviting you to events.

 

Although it may not be according to your preferred timetable, I think you need to have "the talk" with her. I suspect she may want you to clearly declare yourself as exclusive bf/gf in no uncertain terms. However this is something that, while she wants it, you will have to tell her that you want it first.

 

So, maybe it's time you need to sh*t or get off the pot with this one.

 

Are you ready to "get serious" with this woman?

 

I say "go for it." The worst that can happen is she shoots you down and then you move on.

 

But you definitely need to "clarify" this relationship.

[FructoseGrande]

This makes it pretty unlikely that she is screwing around the way some posters suggested.

 

 

It isn't your job to fix anyone's issues, but I don't think shrugging it off is a good plan either.

 

If she's feeling insecure about your relationship, it could be worth a short talk.

 

If she's feeling insecure about herself because she got a bad grade on a test, spending a couple of minutes reassuring her that everyone has a bad grade now and again is the only decent thing to do.

 

I don't think a complete disinterest in sex is normal, but I really get this vibe from your posts that you are either wanting to cut and run or you are one hell of a selfish guy. Do you like this girl as a person?

 

There's the "it isn't my job to deal with her insecurities" which is kind of true and kind of heartless.

 

 

Did she take off her clothes and put on another even sexier outfit before flopping into bed? That is just odd and I wonder if something is missing. "We went to a party and when we got home at 2am, she stripped down to her undies and fell asleep" is really different than "She taunted me with sexy lingerie and then said she was too tired."

 

 

It is like you expect her to be quasi-dumped and race after to you to prove herself with wild sex. It think the more likely reaction is that she'd dump you and call up her girlfriend to complain about you.

 

 

Actually this puts a whole different perspective on things.

 

Maybe the gf cut off the sex because she sensed that OP wasn't really seriously interested in a relationship, and that's what she wants.

 

If the gf came right out and told him she's "insecure" obviously she's talking about not knowing where she stands.

 

Relationships generally progress or wither unless their straight out FWB's and even these are difficult to manage.

 

If OP isn't really serious about an exclusive relationship with this woman then I'm not sure she could be blamed at wanting him to make up his mind. After all he's sampled the milk already, maybe she thinks the samples are quite enough to be able to make up his mind.

[robaday]

I'm not sure how women read whether men are serious or not, but ive spent 4 out of the last 7 days with her and thats only after 2 months..i wouldn't have time to see anyone else even if i wanted to-i work 70+ hrs a week as it is.

 

I was close to commiting 2 weeks ago, but this recent stuff has just pushed me away and made me question whether the girl in the first month was real....and im actually glad i haven't commited yet. No, sex isn't the be all and end all and I'm happy to go without if she just says she's not in the mood, but i think im justified in waiting to see if it gets back on track before commiting-im not too keen on the idea of withholding sex to get what you want, it's manipulative and a power play, and if i give her what she wants, she knows she can use this whenever she wants.

 

If im too harsh on her insecurity, then ask yourself how you would feel if you were invited back to the house of someone you are really into on four occasions, who strips off, flirts, kisses you and when she climbs into bed isn't interested.....it sends a loud signal that she isn't interested in that way