Star_Bright Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I was thinking about starting a post about dating after breaking it off with an MM. About how it feels weird because people think we've been totally single and wonder why we wouldn't want to date, ha ha, or just weird to be considering new options when before we were tied to MM, etc. But I see Karma has beat me to it! As usual she and I seem to be at about the same stage. So I'll add on to her thread by starting my own. A lot of strange things have been happening to me on the "single" front, and I wanted to share. Crazy things LOL, and you, forum, are one of the only places I can share it because you know/get things, since you know I was recently with an MM, and most people don't know that. So, crazy story number one: Last week I was crossing the street after work to meet a friend for a drink, and I randomly ran into this guy I've known for about three years. I see him every week because he's in my writing group. He's a great guy (as in, daddish/older--60ish); I've been to his house and met his wife once when our group was held there and they seemed to be very happy. I was surprised to see him downtown, because he lives in a different part of town and I've never run into him outside of my writing group. He looked surprised to see me too and was shaking his head with a grin (I later found out why!). He was with his family and quickly introduced me to his daughter and son, and re-introduced me to his wife, while we were all literally crossing past each other in the middle of the street, ha ha. Well my first thought was "he never told me his son was cute!" and then "I wonder if he's single" and then "don't be silly... for one thing I think his son lives in a totally different state, he must be in town just visiting [the dad said they were going to dinner at a nice restaurant downtown], you just got out of a nasty relationship, AND his dad reads your essays and stories every week and knows how messed up you are!" Ha ha ha. All I said was "Wow, your son looks just like you!" and we were forced to part ways due to being in the middle of the street, ha. But his son stayed in my mind for some reason; I just had this feeling that something was up with him. Well over the weekend I got an email from the guy from writing group, only addressed to me instead of the rest of the group too like usual, and it was titled "Destiny." Right away I knew it was about his son. The guy from writing group said that having known me weekly for the past couple years and knowing me from my writing etc. he has always thought that his son and I would get along. He said he was really surprised to run into me in the street last week because before his son came to town he had actually been thinking about somehow inviting me to dinner to meet his son while his son was there! But he had thought better of it, not wanting to be a meddling parent or for it to be awkward. Then, he said, when he ran into me on the street while with his son he knew it must be "destiny" and decided he'd send me that email with his son's phone number and he CC'ed his son, and said that was enough meddling, and he'd let Fate take it from there. You know, it was so strange but it made me feel good that this good guy who has known me well for awhile thinks I'm good relationship material for his son, ha ha. (If only he knew!...) I feel like I'm not ready to even TALK to a guy LOL but I thought it was very sweet. (My sister said I should see what happens and it's a good thing because he lives far away so it's not like I could jump into a relationship right away. Hmmm. I don't know.) And then last night another strange thing happened, I was out with a group of co-workers for happy hour and in walks this guy who had just started working at my old firm (exMM's firm) right before I left. I'd always thought he was really hot and while I was working there I'd thought of hooking him up with my sister, ha ha. I guess I thought he was totally out of my league... I don't know why I thought that but he went to a great school and is super smart and attractive and successful and nice, etc. and I just always feel out of place among people like that, I'm more of a worked-my-way-up kind of gal. Well I had bumped into him a few times downtown or while out and he was always nice to me, always coming over to talk to me, but I thought he was just interested in knowing what it was like to work at the firm, etc., or maybe I didn't even really notice because of exMM. But last night it was glaringly obvious that he liked me, my friend was like wow does he have it bad for you. It was so strange because I obviously could never even think about dating him, he has pretty much my old job working for exMM. But I was honestly very flattered that he liked me and it made me realize, man, have I been choosing the wrong guys! I think I had been selling myself short, thinking I didn't deserve the very best. Why was I thinking that?! I DON'T feel ready to date, in the slightest, but I do feel like it's great to see that there are possibilities. It's also nice to learn some things about myself, like, I was too busy dating exMM to realize I didn't need to settle, I could have been dating great single guys all along. I don't know why it takes me so long to realize these things but I'm happy about getting myself to a spot where I feel ready to date without thinking, "Thanks, but I just broke up with an MM." Ha ha.
Author Star_Bright Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 Thanks Ella. I just realized I posted a really LONG post and almost NONE of it was about exMM. Yay, I guess I'm progressing! Ha ha.
fooled once Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I was thinking about starting a post about dating after breaking it off with an MM. About how it feels weird because people think we've been totally single and wonder why we wouldn't want to date, ha ha, or just weird to be considering new options when before we were tied to MM, etc. But I see Karma has beat me to it! As usual she and I seem to be at about the same stage. So I'll add on to her thread by starting my own. A lot of strange things have been happening to me on the "single" front, and I wanted to share. Crazy things LOL, and you, forum, are one of the only places I can share it because you know/get things, since you know I was recently with an MM, and most people don't know that. So, crazy story number one: Last week I was crossing the street after work to meet a friend for a drink, and I randomly ran into this guy I've known for about three years. I see him every week because he's in my writing group. He's a great guy (as in, daddish/older--60ish); I've been to his house and met his wife once when our group was held there and they seemed to be very happy. I was surprised to see him downtown, because he lives in a different part of town and I've never run into him outside of my writing group. He looked surprised to see me too and was shaking his head with a grin (I later found out why!). He was with his family and quickly introduced me to his daughter and son, and re-introduced me to his wife, while we were all literally crossing past each other in the middle of the street, ha ha. Well my first thought was "he never told me his son was cute!" and then "I wonder if he's single" and then "don't be silly... for one thing I think his son lives in a totally different state, he must be in town just visiting [the dad said they were going to dinner at a nice restaurant downtown], you just got out of a nasty relationship, AND his dad reads your essays and stories every week and knows how messed up you are!" Ha ha ha. All I said was "Wow, your son looks just like you!" and we were forced to part ways due to being in the middle of the street, ha. But his son stayed in my mind for some reason; I just had this feeling that something was up with him. Well over the weekend I got an email from the guy from writing group, only addressed to me instead of the rest of the group too like usual, and it was titled "Destiny." Right away I knew it was about his son. The guy from writing group said that having known me weekly for the past couple years and knowing me from my writing etc. he has always thought that his son and I would get along. He said he was really surprised to run into me in the street last week because before his son came to town he had actually been thinking about somehow inviting me to dinner to meet his son while his son was there! But he had thought better of it, not wanting to be a meddling parent or for it to be awkward. Then, he said, when he ran into me on the street while with his son he knew it must be "destiny" and decided he'd send me that email with his son's phone number and he CC'ed his son, and said that was enough meddling, and he'd let Fate take it from there. You know, it was so strange but it made me feel good that this good guy who has known me well for awhile thinks I'm good relationship material for his son, ha ha. (If only he knew!...) I feel like I'm not ready to even TALK to a guy LOL but I thought it was very sweet. (My sister said I should see what happens and it's a good thing because he lives far away so it's not like I could jump into a relationship right away. Hmmm. I don't know.) And then last night another strange thing happened, I was out with a group of co-workers for happy hour and in walks this guy who had just started working at my old firm (exMM's firm) right before I left. I'd always thought he was really hot and while I was working there I'd thought of hooking him up with my sister, ha ha. I guess I thought he was totally out of my league... I don't know why I thought that but he went to a great school and is super smart and attractive and successful and nice, etc. and I just always feel out of place among people like that, I'm more of a worked-my-way-up kind of gal. Well I had bumped into him a few times downtown or while out and he was always nice to me, always coming over to talk to me, but I thought he was just interested in knowing what it was like to work at the firm, etc., or maybe I didn't even really notice because of exMM. But last night it was glaringly obvious that he liked me, my friend was like wow does he have it bad for you. It was so strange because I obviously could never even think about dating him, he has pretty much my old job working for exMM. But I was honestly very flattered that he liked me and it made me realize, man, have I been choosing the wrong guys! I think I had been selling myself short, thinking I didn't deserve the very best. Why was I thinking that?! I DON'T feel ready to date, in the slightest, but I do feel like it's great to see that there are possibilities. It's also nice to learn some things about myself, like, I was too busy dating exMM to realize I didn't need to settle, I could have been dating great single guys all along. I don't know why it takes me so long to realize these things but I'm happy about getting myself to a spot where I feel ready to date without thinking, "Thanks, but I just broke up with an MM." Ha ha. Sweetie, why oh why are you selling yourself short???? Okay, why aren't you ready for dating? Dating doesn't = marriage. Dating is about finding someone who has interests like you, having someone to do fun things with, having someone to talk to. Write the son. Say hi. Who knows, he may end up more in the 'friend' category -- and who says you can only have 4 friends in life? He may have a friend who he thinks is perfect for you (if there isn't a romantic interest with him). Stop selling yourself short. Get out there. If only for the ego boost to help you realize YOU ARE WORTHY!! ((hugs))
lilbunny Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Hey hun, Sounds like you are starting to see some positives. I've been on a couple of dates recently. I know where I'm at. I'm not ready for anything serious, not ready for anything physical with someone else, but it has been good for me and fun. At the same time I'm being as open-minded as I can. It is a new mind set, but I'm thinking that dating can be something done for its own sake, not the means to an end I used to regard it as. I've been through wobbles, wanting to back out, guilt (yes, guilt would you believe) but for me I pushed myself and I'm glad. Do you think a few light-hearted dates might work for you too? What's the worst that can happen? I say go for it. I found myself comparing the dates to evenings out with mm. I thought this was a bad thing at first, but actually they were great evenings where the guy got everything right and I had a brilliant time, so any comparison is simply a benchmark of suitability. Positive thinking see!!
Author Star_Bright Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 Thank you both for the advice. I don't want to date right now because I've never really been alone and I want to just date myself right now, if that makes sense. I am afraid of getting too focused on a man, which I have the tendency to do. I don't want any distractions. I hope that soon I'll be ready for some light-hearted dates like you are talking about and are ready for, lilbunny. But I know myself, or am trying to know myself ha ha, and right now I am afraid I would attach myself to some guy so that I don't have to deal with everything I want to deal with, on my own. Also right now I'm a jumble of emotions and I don't know up from down when it comes to guys. I'm afraid I would think one was great when he was awful, or vice versa! Everything feels out of whack and I just want to clear my head. I WILL say that I would go on a "light-hearted date" with the hottie who was chatting me up last night , because not only is he hot but I also think, from what I know of him, that he's a really good guy. But that would only be asking for drama since he works for exMM. Just my luck! SO I guess I'm saying no to dating unless I feel super compelled, and at the moment no one has compelled me that I can realistically go out with. Now as for the guy in the different state, you're right Fooled Once, what could hurt in just emailing him? It's not like I could date him even if I wanted to right now. So maybe he's a safe starting point. Thanks again for helping me think about this... it helps me see where I stand and why.
Silly_Girl Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Yay! Browse for a bit, be tempted, enjoy the concept. You can dip your toe in - or you can sit to the side a bit longer.... But this is good stuff
KarmasTestDummy Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 This board is sook funny. I wanna date, they tell me no. You don't wanna date and get told to do it. What the hey? Lol. Anyway, I'm kind of still teeter tottering. I think it would be good for my mental state of mind to just get back out there and back up on the horse. Believe it or not my r with exmm was not that many months, let alone years, so I think I may be in a good place to heal and move on faster than others. Point is, I met a guy, like him, he is single, employed, no kids, no excess baggage, virtually no drama. Isn't this exactly what I'm supposed to give a chance? I really am thinking more and more about just approaching it innocently, and seeing where it goes. Nobody said I have to fall in love and marry the guy, but the more I surround myself with good people, the better I feel. Still not even thinking about mm since I met him and I'm not comparing either (seeing as how they are opposites) so that has to have some value. Just this weekend I was so upset and lonely and completely distraught. I like smiling again.
datura_noir Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I'm sure that many OW here have been accused of being "for the other team", simply because their love life with MM was hidden. I would be curious to know if this has happened to any OW here. My sister was an OW for a long time, and she held that label amongst acquaintances.
Author Star_Bright Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 This board is sook funny. I wanna date, they tell me no. You don't wanna date and get told to do it. What the hey? Lol. Anyway, I'm kind of still teeter tottering. I think it would be good for my mental state of mind to just get back out there and back up on the horse. Believe it or not my r with exmm was not that many months, let alone years, so I think I may be in a good place to heal and move on faster than others. Point is, I met a guy, like him, he is single, employed, no kids, no excess baggage, virtually no drama. Isn't this exactly what I'm supposed to give a chance? I really am thinking more and more about just approaching it innocently, and seeing where it goes. Nobody said I have to fall in love and marry the guy, but the more I surround myself with good people, the better I feel. Still not even thinking about mm since I met him and I'm not comparing either (seeing as how they are opposites) so that has to have some value. Just this weekend I was so upset and lonely and completely distraught. I like smiling again. Yeah Karma I was thinking of that and wondering why we each got the opposite advice LOL. Do what makes you happy girl!
Silly_Girl Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Yeah Karma I was thinking of that and wondering why we each got the opposite advice LOL. Do what makes you happy girl! One of you seems reticent with the guard firmly up, the other much less so. One seems to have had a LOT of drama very recently, one less so.
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