Reading the signals and afraid of thinking it is more than it is

[Sauvignon]

Hi!

 

It's my first time here. In fact, I've read this forum for the better part of past week to get a sense of it before joining. I have been impressed with the feedback given to its members, thus the reason why I finally decided to join.

 

Last year I've decided to change my life. Feeling stuck at work and unhappy with my health, I made a turnaround in my life. I feel confident and look much better than a year ago and I paired this with my decision to get back into university and begin with my masters studies.

 

I consider myself a good social communicator and I value my ability to read people, which has caused problems in my other relationships, until I met this girl from my group, Kate, who seems completely out of my league and not my usual type of interest. Yet a month later, we found ourselves in each others company more and more.

 

She's an educated and ideal-mother type of girl, grown under good family with whom she still is closely connected with, has some religious influence (though I myself am not religious) loves to travel yet has never just played around with other guys in her life and despite wanting children more than anything, has not simply 'done the deed' and wants to wait for the right guy. She's also successful at work, though stressed by pushing two important jobs at once. She's the girl us stronger types fall for when we mature. And she is what you would call a cute girl-next-door obsession.

 

From my past relationships I have learned that I can get too quickly addicted and let myself drive too fast. But in those cases I have been confident in my ability to read the other person and their reactions, which is not the case here, for she is too different from the people I usually become interested in. And I want to take things slow, because I think this might become something more in the long run. But taking things slow makes me afraid that I might lose her interest.

 

Now, I am sure that she is interested - she was the one who asked me out first and shared her number with me, result of which have been a number of text messages with smileys from both parties - but I am unable to truly rate her interest, which is why a second opinion from a neutral party might be helpful.

 

Our first date was very good, beginning and ending with a hug and a three hour conversation in a nice restaurant with a wine. She was very animated throughout the night, playing with her clothes, always holding eye contact while I was speaking, twirling her hair, made her laugh a number of times, all good signs. I even forgot my usual composure at times, for she was truly fun to be around.

 

But I am not sure what to think of what has followed since. While she did reply to my text after the date, saying it was fun and we will see again soon, it has been relatively quiet. Few days ago she did send me another text, wishing me a good night, to which I also replied (in the morning), but it seems like there is little to no meat on bones. Being less active, than we were before the date.

 

This worries me, because I know I've developed a crush, I really like her and I see so much about her which makes me want to be a better man every new day of my life, despite not really wanting to admit it. But I am afraid that if I make a wrong move here, then this might break.

 

I have held myself from the usual things such as 'deep and emotional texts/emails', which can easily push a girl away, but I really do not know what to do next.

 

Any input would be helpful, especially if you have seen or been in a similar situation

[Sauvignon]

Taking advice given from no replies so far, I figured 'screw it' and asked her about potential other dates. An idea she liked immediately. So it seems this is the case of aries vs capricorn. I'm too impatient and she's too in-control.

 

But you know, bite the bullet I suppose.

[atlnay]

Taking advice given from no replies so far, I figured 'screw it' and asked her about potential other dates. An idea she liked immediately. So it seems this is the case of aries vs capricorn. I'm too impatient and she's too in-control.

 

But you know, bite the bullet I suppose.

 

Heyyyyy you gotta give us 9-5ers time to get home Mr. Impatient

 

Sounds like you handled things just well. Good luck with your upcoming dates

[Sauvignon]

Heyyyyy you gotta give us 9-5ers time to get home Mr. Impatient

 

Sounds like you handled things just well. Good luck with your upcoming dates

 

Yes, you are correct Besides I forgot about the time difference, I happen to be from Europe. And considering my impatience, I am sure I'll run into doubt sooner rather than later again.

 

But I'll try to offer feedback to others in the meanwhile, I may be incapable of analyzing things in front of me, but I'm psychology and human behavior enthusiast and I hope I can be of help

[refurb]

Did it occur to you that she's taking it slow for fear of scaring you off?

 

Slow down, take it easy, forget timelines and just enjoy each others company. Things will become apparent soon enough.

 

RF

[BobSacamento]

I think you were over analyzing things while she was just waiting for you to ask her out again haha.

[Sauvignon]

Did it occur to you that she's taking it slow for fear of scaring you off?

 

Slow down, take it easy, forget timelines and just enjoy each others company. Things will become apparent soon enough.

 

Well, perhaps. But that may also be how capricorn plays her game. She's very reserved. This makes her tough to read at a distance. Usually the girls I play with become also more intimate from the distance.

 

But I do not think it is a fear of scaring me off, I am quite certain that she knows I'm interested and I do not come off as a type who looks like he'll ditch the first chance he gets.

 

But in all honesty, she may be one of those girls you cannot simply chase, but have to be patient with. She may be looking for something that lasts longer, thus the reserved game.

 

I think you were over analyzing things while she was just waiting for you to ask her out again haha.

 

Perhaps. I am trying to balance my own self-control.

 

I think that as an aries, I am unable to really not overanalyze. I'm the head-first, passionate type. If I like something, I get addicted to it and become hurt if there are problems with this approach. All the signs point that she is not my type and that it will be a tough climb.

 

But I cannot get her simply out of my head, because I don't really see her as just another girl, I am crazily attracted to how she behaves around me, her life's principles and the fact that I know that she will be a terrific mother one day.

 

Perhaps I over-analyze simply because a beautiful, smart and adventurous girl with family principles like that are rare to be available at 26. It's either a lost game from the start, or universe is playing tricks on me.

[Sauvignon]

She is one tough nut to crack. I cannot read if she is actually interested or is filling the void in her life. Last night we kept talking online after a joint-online university lecture and she seemed a bit down and thought about going for a walk.

 

Offering to join her, instead of practicing my guitar, she contiplated it for a while and then said she decides to go alone. It was slightly raining mind you. As we both love movies, I would have gone through those nice movie scenes where a guy walks the girl under an umbrella in the night.

 

I said alright, but added that I cannot help but feel worried about her out alone in the night, to which she replied: 'Aww, that's cute '. She's used it a few times after my texts, but hey, puppies are cute. I am not a puppy.

 

A girl, if interested, would have grabbed the chance, right? I mean, who goes for a walk alone anyway? Now, I am impatient - as is already quite obvious - but I fear that I will end up falling for a girl to whom I am merely filling the void, temporarily. She did say that she wants to go to movies or a walk in the upcoming days, but again I get the feeling that this is heading to the friend zone. Because that's the direction friend zone is at.

 

I mean, I know there are girls out there who really are very reserved and want to see how patient you are, in order to build up trust and whatnot, but I am putting signals up there and other than reading her animated body language and getting a few good night texts or Facebook message replies, I don't see the passion there, other than a few rare times where I see a temporary crack in the wall.

 

I am being far more reserved than I usually am, yet I still find myself being the more active part of the two and I am worried about that. I really like her, but it's tough swimming in this emotional turmoil. I need a sign and asking her straight about it might be a sure way to scare her off entirely.

 

Am I blind? Should I just step out?

Edited October 21, 2010 by Sauvignon
Readability

[Tim The Enchanter]

 

Our first date was very good, beginning and ending with a hug and a three hour conversation in a nice restaurant with a wine. She was very animated throughout the night, playing with her clothes, always holding eye contact while I was speaking, twirling her hair, made her laugh a number of times, all good signs. I even forgot my usual composure at times, for she was truly fun to be around.

 

 

Did you kiss her, even on the cheek? Was their any physical contact during the date? In my experience, women who are attracted to you often can't help touching you, especially if they are the "tactile" kind.

 

I understand perfectly where you're coming from, because I've done much the same thing in the past. If you're worried about falling into the friend zone, you need to put some distance between yourself and this girl, in my opinion. Really, you should be asking her out on dates and not trying to "hang out" with her between dates.

 

I think our instincts are quite often right in these circumstances. If you have a gut feeling that this girl is not massively enamoured with you, the way you are with her, then that instinct is probably on the right track. Having said that, you have nothing to lose. You've been on one date and now is the time to sink or swim. Ask her out for another date, and don't try and disguise it as "hanging out". If she agrees, I would suggest upping the physical side and at least try to kiss her on the lips this time.

[Sauvignon]

No the date both started and ended with a hug, I did plan for a not-too-front kiss on a cheek, but the moment was not right as her father was about to arrive with her winter tyres and she was a bit distracted.

 

But I'll try to set a date for the movie date and see what happens. She did agree to another date, but the actual date has not been set.

 

I agree that trying to make the obvious next step that cannot be mistaken for friend behavior would be one way to see what there is and what there's not. It's just not a random girl for me, thus I feel like I'm walking on ice most of the time.

[Sauvignon]

She just replied.

 

She has no time tonight, said that she's caught something and decided to stay at home. We will have an online lecture tonight again, though late in the evening. We planned to study together during the weekend already before our first date and she said we should plan for walks and movie to the weekend as well, between our co-studying.

 

She also called my last nights text message cute. It was a Paul Coelho quote, in which I said she's something unexpected in my life and wished her a good night. She said she felt good and special because of it. But she said she wished there was more time aside from work and studies for her personal life. Now, that last comment is a clear sign for friend zone or a friend zone threat. My calculator is already seeing impossible odds of overcoming that.

 

It's just so frustrating. I mean, a girl would not say she wished she had more time aside from work and studies in one sentence and in another sentence says she wants sot go to a movie -and- a 'good long walk with me'. She's the toughest girl I've ever had to make sense of.

 

But I think I'll try to add one sweet gesture to the mix, just in case. I'm thinking about getting her a rose and a small bar of chocolate, wishing her a good recovery after I get off work.

 

A good call?

Edited October 21, 2010 by Sauvignon
Phrasing

[Tim The Enchanter]

 

But I think I'll try to add one sweet gesture to the mix, just in case. I'm thinking about getting her a rose and a small bar of chocolate, wishing her a good recovery after I get off work.

 

A good call?

 

No, the rose is far too obvious.

 

As for the first date, you should have kissed her at the beginning of the date, as well as the end. It shouldn't have mattered that her dad was turning up. I go out on dates with girls quite regularly and never fail to kiss them on the cheek, it's just dating protocol and not a big deal.

 

For me it says "this is a date, not just hanging out".

 

I understand your feelings. You have a strong attraction for this person and are therefore pinning your hopes on things developing into a relationship. The walking on ice is a great analogy. However, in these situations men need some kind of reassurance, usually in the form of flirting and physical contact. She doesn't seem to be giving you that, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

 

You know how I think she sees you? You're like a comfort blanket to her. A guy friend who wants to be around her, who isn't her boyfriend and who makes her feel desired.

[Sauvignon]

You may be right. But the rose being too obvious is a bad thing? I intend it to be obvious, not a 'comfort blanket' as you say. I also don't agree that just because I didn't go for a kiss on first date, that this has no chance.

 

If I am getting it right, you are saying I should just give up?

[callingyouuu]

You may be right. But the rose being too obvious is a bad thing? I intend it to be obvious, not a 'comfort blanket' as you say. I also don't agree that just because I didn't go for a kiss on first date, that this has no chance.

 

If I am getting it right, you are saying I should just give up?

 

But doing that would be acting as a comfort blanket. Roses and chocolates are things you do while someone is currently highly interested. If she's actually considering putting you in the "friend zone," it would be more likely that she's of too low interest to respond well to that sort of thing, but I can't tell for sure whether or not you're heading there or not.

 

I disagree with some of the posters here who say that the "friend zone" does not exist, but I do think it is absolutely avoidable if you just make sure if the nice things you do for her are reciprocated. If she feels like you're just a source of roses, chocolates, and ego boosts, you'll be more likely to head down the wrong way. If she feels like she has "earned" your roses and chocolates by accepting and going on dates and responding positively to your advances, then you'll be much more likely to avoid it.

 

Just relax. You've been on one date. Hold off on the poems for a while, set that movie date, and go from there.

[Tim The Enchanter]

You may be right. But the rose being too obvious is a bad thing? I intend it to be obvious, not a 'comfort blanket' as you say. I also don't agree that just because I didn't go for a kiss on first date, that this has no chance.

 

If I am getting it right, you are saying I should just give up?

 

Save the flowers for when you've been on several dates, and after you've been intimate. In fact, I would say save them for girlfriends.

 

I didn't say you blew it by not kissing her. What I mean is that you should have treated your "date" as a proper date, and for me part of the routine is kissing her on greeting and departing. The trouble is you had already socialised with this girl before and you know her from you course, so in my opinion you should have used the first date as an opportunity to say "I want us to be more than friends". I don't mean you should have blurted it out to her, but it should have been apparent to you both that you were on date, and not hanging out as friends. That means picking her up, kissing her on the cheek, paying for everything etc.

 

I'm not saying give up - yet. I'm saying that there's a strong chance that she's not all that into you, and that you need to cut to the chase. You need to secure that second date, and if she continues to be wishy-washy and putting it off, I would pull right back.

 

What does your gut instinct say? It's usually right.

[Sauvignon]

But doing that would be acting as a comfort blanket. Roses and chocolates are things you do while someone is currently highly interested. If she's actually considering putting you in the "friend zone," it would be more likely that she's of too low interest to respond well to that sort of thing, but I can't tell for sure whether or not you're heading there or not.

 

I disagree with some of the posters here who say that the "friend zone" does not exist, but I do think it is absolutely avoidable if you just make sure if the nice things you do for her are reciprocated. If she feels like you're just a source of roses, chocolates, and ego boosts, you'll be more likely to head down the wrong way. If she feels like she has "earned" your roses and chocolates by accepting and going on dates and responding positively to your advances, then you'll be much more likely to avoid it.

 

Just relax. You've been on one date. Hold off on the poems for a while, set that movie date, and go from there.

 

I agree that friend zone does exist. I've been there a number of times. And both the movie date and long walk date have been set now, first on Saturday and second on Sunday evening.

 

Save the flowers for when you've been on several dates, and after you've been intimate. In fact, I would say save them for girlfriends.

 

I didn't say you blew it by not kissing her. What I mean is that you should have treated your "date" as a proper date, and for me part of the routine is kissing her on greeting and departing. The trouble is you had already socialised with this girl before and you know her from you course, so in my opinion you should have used the first date as an opportunity to say "I want us to be more than friends". I don't mean you should have blurted it out to her, but it should have been apparent to you both that you were on date, and not hanging out as friends. That means picking her up, kissing her on the cheek, paying for everything etc.

 

I'm not saying give up - yet. I'm saying that there's a strong chance that she's not all that into you, and that you need to cut to the chase. You need to secure that second date, and if she continues to be wishy-washy and putting it off, I would pull right back.

 

What does your gut instinct say? It's usually right.

 

You are correct, it might have been good to simply go for it on the date, all the other signs were there. I did pick her up and pay for everything though. But you've convinced me the rose is not that good an idea.

 

I'm still interested in dropping quickly by after work though and coming up with something simple and creative for her. Like a bundle of little things to make her feel better and being playful about it. I do not want to pressure her into anything and that is what a rose would do, but the problem of the latter is that it would be a risk of soft blankety.

 

I am sure I can melt her on doorstep, it has not been a problem so far to make her blush in a smile. I know the type of guy she is looking for, she is not looking for a hothead and she has broken up all her relationships by her initiative in her life. She's looking for family and reliability and is a fathers daughter. I know the type. what I am not sure about it is how this will affect what will happen after I have left. I would leave her be and wait what her reaction will be and what type of contact she's looking for and how she responds.

 

As for my gut instinct, it says more things in a minute than I can keep track of. This is why I am here. When she compliments me or sends me a text before sleep, I have no doubt. But when she reacts slower than I'd expect, or talks about not having a lot of time outside school and work, I am all about doubt.

Edited October 21, 2010 by Sauvignon

[Sauvignon]

You know, I've made up my mind. Signals that I can get, I can only get from her. My mistakes are mine to make, as you said I have nothing to lose this early on. I will visit her after work and give a small bar of chocolate, with a spice of humour. Not going into specifics, but I know she will like it. It will be quick and simple.

 

Either way I will try to update you on what happens.

Edited October 21, 2010 by Sauvignon
Dumbed it down

[Sauvignon]

I cannot make sense of this girl. I did not reply to her morning e-mail about not holding a movie date tonight, where she said she feels like she should take part of the online lectures and we should go to a long walk and a movie during weekend.

 

But before I could finish work, she wrote me again, asking me out tonight so we could take the online lecture together in cafe and then spend the rest of the night talking until the cafe is closed.

 

Again, it's a friend zone thing obviously, but I did not see it coming. While its not a date, we can enjoy each others company, which is good.

 

Damn universe let me make sense of this girl.