jthorne Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You got it wrong. You are only absolved if you are determined to change your ways and not do it again.So if you are resolved, you can no longer be remorseful? Isn't that kind of like the "I'm sorry today but I won't be sorry tomorrow" scenario I described?
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Being on the forum of victims and perpetrators I do not expect people to understand. What is that supposed to mean? It almost sounds as if you feel superior to the "victims and perpetrators".
Author thomasb Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Owl, because she truly wants to believe that any WS who reconciles with their loved one spends the rest of their lives prone on the floor begging for forgiveness while secretly pining for their OP. HA HA!
PhoenixRise Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 "A better man" learns from his mistakes and makes sure not to repeat them, but he doesn't go around being remorseful and apologetic for years. Yuch. Not understanding why Spark's husband still having issues 2.5 years later about what he did to himself and to her/their family by having an affair is a red flag when apparently MM still dealing with his issues that are keeping him in an affair 5 years later is ok. Seems like a double standard to me. To answer the OP. My husband says he still loved me during his affair. I say, it sure as hell didn't feel like love.
jthorne Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Eh? Well, I know I'm not a victim, so does that mean I'm a perp? I sure hope I can be absolved for that. Because I really am sorry. If someone would please absolve me, I won't have to be sorry anymore.
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Owl, because she truly wants to believe that any WS who reconciles with their loved one spends the rest of their lives prone on the floor begging for forgiveness while secretly pining for their OP. HA HA! You got me totally wrong. I have seen my father be remorseful and apologetic his entire life towards my mother, instead of them having a relationship were they were equal partners.
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Eh? Well, I know I'm not a victim, so does that mean I'm a perp? I sure hope I can be absolved for that. Because I really am sorry. If someone would please absolve me, I won't have to be sorry anymore. I think JJ means victims are supposed to be the BS and the perpetrators are the WS. The OW/OM don't come under fire.
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You got me totally wrong. I have seen my father be remorseful and apologetic his entire life towards my mother, instead of them having a relationship were they were equal partners. Well it seems a few of us got you totally wrong Being remorseful and being apologetic are not the same thing. Remorse is healthy recognition and acceptance of what you have done. The apologising does have to stop though otherwise it is an unhealthy reflection of the marriage.
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I think JJ means victims are supposed to be the BS and the perpetrators are the WS. The OW/OM don't come under fire. IMO there are no victims and no perpetrators, only human beings, in a love triangle.
Author thomasb Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Wow, just wow. The OP is not a victim any more than I was. We are all responsible for our own choices And there consequences.
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Being on the forum of victims and perpetrators I do not expect people to understand. IMO there are no victims and no perpetrators, only human beings, in a love triangle. Confused.....
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Well it seems a few of us got you totally wrong Being remorseful and being apologetic are not the same thing. Remorse is healthy recognition and acceptance of what you have done. The apologising does have to stop though otherwise it is an unhealthy reflection of the marriage. That's what I was looking for: the healthy marriage.
jthorne Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I think JJ means victims are supposed to be the BS and the perpetrators are the WS. The OW/OM don't come under fire.Oh. Sorry. I misunderstood. I guess I should get the heck outta here then, because I don't belong. Now, where do I belong? I hear they don't allow remorseful fOW's on the OW board anymore. I guess I'll be forced to work on that project I've been setting aside by procrastinating on LS... Ok, bye.
Author thomasb Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Confusing because there is a little back tracking going on here now.
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Confused..... I meant, that BSs often want to perceive themselves as victims and the WSs and perpetrators and I do not think that is in the best interest of the healthy marriage.
PhoenixRise Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 You got me totally wrong. I have seen my father be remorseful and apologetic his entire life towards my mother, instead of them having a relationship were they were equal partners. I see. I think there is a difference in being guilty for years and years and in being truly remorseful. Guilt becomes self indulgent and IMO it becomes an excuse NOT to change (you feel too bad and now have such low self esteem that all you can do is wallow in it). But true remorse over a wrong you committed can help you become a better person and also help you empathize with the person you wronged. You might always have remorse that you were once the kind of person who dealt out that kind of pain. It does't mean that you wallow in guilt over it. I know guilt is not sexy to me. I would not want my H to be wallowing in guilt over what he did. Would I be here today if he was not remorseful? Not a chance in Hell.
Author thomasb Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Jthorne, step back to your computer please...
donnamaybe Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 It would take far more effort than I am willing to expend. Being dishonest must be exhausting.And add to that creating what are supposed to be accepted as valid reasons for it!
jthorne Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Jthorne, step back to your computer please...Step back to or step away from? I'm probably going to get an infraction for being a smart azz. Apologies in advance. And add to that creating what are supposed to be accepted as valid reasons for it! Well, not only am I too lazy for that, I'm not clever enough either.
Author thomasb Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 You got me totally wrong. I have seen my father be remorseful and apologetic his entire life towards my mother, instead of them having a relationship were they were equal partners. And JJ, you have no idea what goes on in your parents marriage. That is between them. You may have watched from the outskirts but a marriage is truly only known from the insight of the two people involved in it. Much as my OP had no true knowledge of the dynamics of my marriage.
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I see. I think there is a difference in being guilty for years and years and in being truly remorseful. Guilt becomes self indulgent and IMO it becomes an excuse NOT to change (you feel too bad and now have such low self esteem that all you can do is wallow in it). But true remorse over a wrong you committed can help you become a better person and also help you empathize with the person you wronged. You might always have remorse that you were once the kind of person who dealt out that kind of pain. It does't mean that you wallow in guilt over it. I know guilt is not sexy to me. I would not want my H to be wallowing in guilt over what he did. Would I be here today if he was not remorseful? Not a chance in Hell. But what if you are sorry the affair hurt your spouse but not sorry you had the affair? Would that be acceptable to you?
Author thomasb Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Step back to or step away from? I'm probably going to get an infraction for being a smart azz. Apologies in advance. Back too please. You are very nice to debate issues with.
PhoenixRise Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I meant, that BSs often want to perceive themselves as victims and the WSs and perpetrators and I do not think that is in the best interest of the healthy marriage. If a WS is using the love and trust of the BS to lie, cheat, gaslight, misdirect family resources etc, then yes, the WS is perpetrating those wrong actions and the BS is victimized by those actions. A real wrong was committed against a real person. So you have a perpetrator and a victim. However, nobody should live those roles for the rest of their lives.
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 And JJ, you have no idea what goes on in your parents marriage. That is between them. You may have watched from the outskirts but a marriage is truly only known from the insight of the two people involved in it. Much as my OP had no true knowledge of the dynamics of my marriage. A narcissist and her codependent husband - pretty easy to see the dynamics there. Besides, I was very involved in their marriage as I grew up, which I have explained in other posts. I was the third party there too.
Author thomasb Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 perceived victims...the betrayed are the victims.
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