Can you love and still cheat?

[bentnotbroken]

I've heard several people on this site state that you cannot love your spouse and cheat on them.

I most emphatically state every time that you can. I did. The people who believe that, IMHO are forming their beliefs on the basis that something must be wrong with the marriage, or the BS. When in fact the deficiency is within the cheater. It is a selfish thing. thoughts?

 

Then I guess I would question your definition of love. How do you love someone and want to hurt them by betraying their trust? That's what cheating is. How do you love someone and insert yourself into the vagina of another when your wife felt that part of you belonged to her? That's what cheating is. How do you give the loving time to someone other than your spouse? That's what cheating is. How do you become the person that your spouse should be protected from when you promised to be the protector? That's what cheating is.

 

I disagree that you can truly love and destroy at the same time. I believe marriage is about doing for someone else what we want and believe is right. Do you want to be cheated on and believe it is right? If you wouldn't want it done to you, why would you love someone enough to do it to them?

[Star_Bright]

I guess it depends on the person. I know I personally could not cheat on someone I love. For me when I love, it's with all of me, heart, body, soul. To be able to give any part of myself to another man would mean, to me, that I was not completely in love with the man I was supposed to be committed to.

[thomasb]

Bent, I could not do that now. It took a come to Jesus moment to get over the immaturity and selfishness that made me capable of an affair. I am no longer capable of inflicting that kind of pain on anybody.

[wheelwright]

There is love sex and there is lust sex. They are entirely different IME. I don't believe people in As make mistakes here. Too much is at stake. I really and honestly believe that no 'love' A has lust at its core.

 

I just want to say that, because lust is so often brought up as a reason for these As.

 

And then there is caring and compassion.

 

I read in a book, and this works for me, that you cannot mistake love. It takes different forms - for a lover, a child, the closest of friends. But the feeling is the same.

 

I love my sisters and my aunt. I do not want to spend all my time with them, but because I also have caring, I will spend as much time with them as they need should they be in need.

 

I want to spend a tremendous amount of time with my kids, and nothing compares to the love and caring combined here. But as they grow, the caring will be less hands on - naturally.

 

I loved my xlover, and I wanted him in my life. It was the same feeling I have for my kids, except he does not require the caring or the time. (If he had, it would have been there in a heartbeat).

 

For my H I feel a deep connection because I have spent more of my life with him than anyone else, he cares for me, and I care for him.

 

I have never felt for another man the way I felt about xMOM - like I feel about my kids.

 

But caring is another element, it is loving and it has heart, and I feel like that about my H. No one has cared for me more.

 

Interestingly about the OP, mothers expecting a second child often wonder if they have enough love for that new being.

 

I think it might be possible to love two men in this way, but it hasn't happened to me yet. But then my culture doesn't facilitate that.

 

I think in all cases of love, there is a complex mix of caring and that love feeling (the latter is like it feels heavenly to be together).

 

With my sisters, it is 60 % love 40 % caring.

 

My H 20% love 40% caring 40% wtf?

 

my xMOM 80% love 20% caring 150% wtf? (there was too much there to fit into this )

 

With my kids 100% love, 95% caring (I'm not perfect - obviously ).

 

And so it goes when folks fall in love and care more about other people.

[jennie-jennie]

I've heard several people on this site state that you cannot love your spouse and cheat on them.

I most emphatically state every time that you can. I did. The people who believe that, IMHO are forming their beliefs on the basis that something must be wrong with the marriage, or the BS. When in fact the deficiency is within the cheater. It is a selfish thing. thoughts?

 

It depends. Short term I can love my spouse and cheat on them, long term I can not, because any long term relationship means I have fallen in love with the other man.

[bentnotbroken]

Bent, I could not do that now. It took a come to Jesus moment to get over the immaturity and selfishness that made me capable of an affair. I am no longer capable of inflicting that kind of pain on anybody.

 

 

I do believe in the Jesus changing all if you desire it. I am living proof. With Christ Jesus all things are possible.

[thomasb]

Very much so. It happened to me. The affair went against everything I had been taught and believed in. A person who truly has Christ in their heart will not cheat.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've heard several people on this site state that you cannot love your spouse and cheat on them.

I most emphatically state every time that you can. I did.

 

and I most empathatically say....bulls##t

 

so the whole time you were getting your rocks off with someone else, you felt the love for your spouse? I don't think so.

 

you don't betray the ones you love. you must have blacked out while cheating or something.

[Dexter Morgan]

I did.

Just because there are issues (infidelity - alcholism - etc.) in a marriage doesn't mean that love isn't there.

 

and just because one spouse stabs the other with a large kitchen knife......doesn't mean they don't love them.

[thomasb]

Actually Dexter yes I did, as I have stated previously, it had nothing to do with my wife or my love for her and everything to do with my own selfishness and immaturity.

[Dexter Morgan]

Actually Dexter yes I did, as I have stated previously, it had nothing to do with my wife or my love for her and everything to do with my own selfishness and immaturity.

 

when you love someone, you won't do anything to hurt them...they are the only person you want to be with.

 

when you f### someone else, it shows that the above isn't true. and I don't think anyone can say with a straight face to the person the "claim" to "love"...."I love you honey, but I just like boning other people....hope ya understand babe"

[YellowShark]

..you don't betray the ones you love. you must have blacked out while cheating or something.

Actually Dexter yes I did, as I have stated previously, it had nothing to do with my wife or my love for her and everything to do with my own selfishness and immaturity.

 

I believe that you can love your spouse and cheat on them.

 

When/while you're cheating, the WS often 'compartmentalizes'...when they're with the OW/OM, that's who they think on/focus on the love that they feel for that person. When they're with the BS...the BS becomes the focus.

 

What they said.

 

Yet I agree more with Dexter because cheaters aren't generally sociopaths. Most people cheating know right from wrong.. and therefore since cheating is premeditated I would say the cheater's goalposts for "love" are way off the field.

[thomasb]

Yes, yellowshark, I knew it was wrong, which is the reason I felt sick enough about it to confess to my wife. And obviously I'm not a sociopath since I felt guilt and they do not. I also felt empathy for her pain. Which was immense and I did my damnedest to alleviate.

[Spark1111]

Thomasb....fBS here....and this is such a hard concept to wrap my head around....

 

My FWS also claims he never stopped loving me, yet nothing has hurt me more than his affair.

 

And during his affair....he treated us like crap. I, and the children, chalked it up to job stress....but I think that hurt more than the affair itself.

 

Did you do this also?

 

Or were you one of the rare ones where the affair enhanced the marital relationship?

 

I realized intuitively that his affair had nothing to do with me or us. We were the same supportive and loving family we had always been. My son, 18 at the time of DDAY, reiterated that point to me and I took comfort in that.

 

But my emotions?????????

 

A nightmare rollercoaster that has taken the better part of 2.5 years to overcome.

 

I am sorry he was selfish and felt sorry for himself and felt entitled to it in his immaturity. And he is a better man today. Remorseful, caring, apologetic.

 

But I almost did not make it, the pain was that great.

 

So I do not think love of any kind is suppose to hurt like this did.

 

And I still wrestle with the resentment I sometimes feel that I even had to go through this at all. I and my children.

 

We did not deserve this.

[porcupine]

Love...what a loaded little word....it means different things to different people.

 

Even in a long-term relationship/marriage partners may have differing views as to what love is. To some it means putting food on the table and giving the family all they need. To others being a support and friend to the other, even at the cost of personal development. so who knows what it's all about, eh?

 

For me cheating has ZERO to do with love and all about RESPECT. For the record let me say I don't think it's possible to be truly in love and not respect the right of your partner not to be hurt by what you do.

 

I think mos cheaters fail by not respecting the part of themselves that says, hey, doi really want this memory with me in 5 years time? do i really feel so good about this I can openly declare this situation to the world with confidence and pride?

 

I think to a large extent (unless they're total B*stards) cheating people do care about their partners, and I think all the subterfuge goes seme way to showing how they respect the integrity of said partner, if not the relationship.

 

I think it's more lack of self-respect than anything else that gets people there, not lack of feeliing for the BS.

[jthorne]

Thomasb....fBS here....and this is such a hard concept to wrap my head around....

 

My FWS also claims he never stopped loving me, yet nothing has hurt me more than his affair.

 

And during his affair....he treated us like crap. I, and the children, chalked it up to job stress....but I think that hurt more than the affair itself.

 

Did you do this also?

 

Or were you one of the rare ones where the affair enhanced the marital relationship?

 

I realized intuitively that his affair had nothing to do with me or us. We were the same supportive and loving family we had always been. My son, 18 at the time of DDAY, reiterated that point to me and I took comfort in that.

 

But my emotions?????????

 

A nightmare rollercoaster that has taken the better part of 2.5 years to overcome.

 

I am sorry he was selfish and felt sorry for himself and felt entitled to it in his immaturity. And he is a better man today. Remorseful, caring, apologetic.

 

But I almost did not make it, the pain was that great.

 

So I do not think love of any kind is suppose to hurt like this did.

 

And I still wrestle with the resentment I sometimes feel that I even had to go through this at all. I and my children.

 

We did not deserve this.

Ugh. Every time I read a post like this, I get this sick, sad feeling, like there's hot greasy lead in the pit of my stomach. It makes me so ashamed and embarassed to have been an OW, albeit now a "reformed" one. I'm not sure how anyone in an affair with a lick of compassion could read this and not be affected.

 

Does it resonate with you, TB?

[Spark1111]

Love...what a loaded little word....it means different things to different people.

 

Even in a long-term relationship/marriage partners may have differing views as to what love is. To some it means putting food on the table and giving the family all they need. To others being a support and friend to the other, even at the cost of personal development. so who knows what it's all about, eh?

 

For me cheating has ZERO to do with love and all about RESPECT. For the record let me say I don't think it's possible to be truly in love and not respect the right of your partner not to be hurt by what you do.

 

I think mos cheaters fail by not respecting the part of themselves that says, hey, doi really want this memory with me in 5 years time? do i really feel so good about this I can openly declare this situation to the world with confidence and pride?

 

I think to a large extent (unless they're total B*stards) cheating people do care about their partners, and I think all the subterfuge goes seme way to showing how they respect the integrity of said partner, if not the relationship.

 

I think it's more lack of self-respect than anything else that gets people there, not lack of feeliing for the BS.

 

Thank you porcupine!

 

So, in his immature, self-entitled, "I've been soooo depressed and she tells me how wonderful I am" depression, he still may have loved me.

 

Could be. But somehow I do not think me, my emotions, our children, his legacy, were even a blip on the radar.

 

He thought he could control it; he thought I would never find out, but if I did, I wouldn't be all that upset, because he never intended to leave me for the OW.

 

He just neglected to tell her that.

 

How disrespectful to her, me, our children, our families, our marriage and our legacy.

 

Breathtakingly, selfishly, disrespectful to everyone who ever cared about him at all.

 

Love? Nah, love probably had nothing to do with this mind-blowing, self-destructive, self-sabotaging behavior of his.

[wheelwright]

Love...what a loaded little word....it means different things to different people.

 

Even in a long-term relationship/marriage partners may have differing views as to what love is. To some it means putting food on the table and giving the family all they need. To others being a support and friend to the other, even at the cost of personal development. so who knows what it's all about, eh?

 

For me cheating has ZERO to do with love and all about RESPECT./QUOTE]

 

Liked this.

 

 

For me cheating happened when I had lost all faith in my R.

 

Not respect for my H, but for my R.

 

Perhaps BSs need to recognise this when they are considering what kind of respect their WS holds for them.

[bentnotbroken]

Love...what a loaded little word....it means different things to different people.

 

Even in a long-term relationship/marriage partners may have differing views as to what love is. To some it means putting food on the table and giving the family all they need. To others being a support and friend to the other, even at the cost of personal development. so who knows what it's all about, eh?

 

For me cheating has ZERO to do with love and all about RESPECT./QUOTE]

 

Liked this.

 

 

For me cheating happened when I had lost all faith in my R.

 

Not respect for my H, but for my R.

 

Perhaps BSs need to recognise this when they are considering what kind of respect their WS holds for them.

 

 

Sorry, not clear what it is you think BS need to recognize and why. I would be grateful for an explanation.

[Spark1111]

Ugh. Every time I read a post like this, I get this sick, sad feeling, like there's hot greasy lead in the pit of my stomach. It makes me so ashamed and embarassed to have been an OW, albeit now a "reformed" one. I'm not sure how anyone in an affair with a lick of compassion could read this and not be affected.

 

Does it resonate with you, TB?

 

Thanks for this jthorne! I for one, really appreciate it!

 

His OW is angry and defensive and still blaming of him, contemptuous of me, and talks of how devastated her son was when my H chose us.

 

Absolutely no remorse, no empathy, no growth. I was stunned.

[Spark1111]

Love...what a loaded little word....it means different things to different people.

 

Even in a long-term relationship/marriage partners may have differing views as to what love is. To some it means putting food on the table and giving the family all they need. To others being a support and friend to the other, even at the cost of personal development. so who knows what it's all about, eh?

 

For me cheating has ZERO to do with love and all about RESPECT./QUOTE]

 

Liked this.

 

 

For me cheating happened when I had lost all faith in my R.

 

Not respect for my H, but for my R.

 

Perhaps BSs need to recognise this when they are considering what kind of respect their WS holds for them.

 

WW, I will bite.

 

You lost all faith in your relationship pre-affair.

 

But did you communicate this to your spouse? Because to not do so is disrespectful.

[datura_noir]

I think and beleive that couples fall in and out of love during a marriage. All couples imagine divorce, or a new partner. It goes with the territory of living with the same person day in, day out.

 

But it is the initial familial love (ironically) that keeps the ties, and when we hit old age, we want a partner who we know and can count on. Switching partners every few years cannot be healthy. Many people underestimate that bond, and unless a spouse has been exhibiting heinous behavior, the BS and the WS will seek to recapture the in love feeling. Sure, it is not the same as the first time, but it can and does get better.

 

And every day, week, month and year that they add to their relationship only enforces the bond. Even the mundane times.

[datura_noir]

I wanted to add an example:

 

The case of Chandra Levy came up recently in the news. My H and I commented on it-as we had been together for a few years when it happened. It made me realize that we have been together for a REALLY long time, and can point to certain events knowing we explored them together. That really matters to most couples. It certainly does to us. It's tough to re-create that sense of history and belonging in a new relationship.

 

This is the longest relationship for both of us; having that history is crucial to it's success.

[porcupine]

 

And every day, week, month and year that they add to their relationship only enforces the bond. Even the mundane times.

 

So true.....and that's why it feels like a ton of bricks when you've been with the WS years.....I mean, what does that mean? that all the uears have been wasted?

 

At the time of my split I kept thinking..why couldn't this have happened 3 years ago? I'll be honest I wasn't IN love with him at the time, in fact thing were very hum-drum, but I loved our ties, our life togethor and was looking forward to a longed for holiday that would bring back some spice..after all, pretty hard to be sexy with the every-dray stress of school/ work/ dinners/ bills....

 

It hurt like hell! And no-one likes to feel cheated of time that could have been spent to better use.

 

Now though, I cherish those times, gone as they are. It ended badly, but they were a good period. I wish himself had respected our relationship more. We've been to counselling and I was amazed at the respect he has for me as a woman and mother.....and equally amazed at the lack of respect for a union I thought was worth something.

 

Dilemma: how can a WS respect the BS but not the shared home, well-being of children, regard from family? I can see how it can happen but struggle to understand.

[datura_noir]

 

 

Sorry, not clear what it is you think BS need to recognize and why. I would be grateful for an explanation.

 

Yes, Vanna, give us a clue as to what a BS should empathically know....