bentnotbroken Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I'm sorry but this made me laugh:lmao: So true BNB. It is bad judgement probably one that was under the influence (or that is the usual excuse anyways). I mean seriously..what do you say to yourself? "Damn I accidentally let my privates take a walk over to the privates of that other person.":p
2long Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I've heard several people on this site state that you cannot love your spouse and cheat on them. I most emphatically state every time that you can. I did. The people who believe that, IMHO are forming their beliefs on the basis that something must be wrong with the marriage, or the BS. When in fact the deficiency is within the cheater. It is a selfish thing. thoughts? You may have gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speach like most BSs get. This is ac2ally a profound truth that the WS is voicing here. But it's meaningless (not just because they don't really know what they're talking about) because they don't simultaneously tell their affair partner "I'm in love with you but I don't love you". It's all based in what love really is. And affairees don't know what real love is, but they are certain that they do (or they wouldn't have affairs). -ol' 2long
wheelwright Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I mean seriously..what do you say to yourself? "Damn I accidentally let my privates take a walk over to the privates of that other person.":p I've been thinking about this.# The ONS isn't exactly accidental, but it is easy to regret in the way of 'I wish I hadn't done that' - mostly for me those kind of liaisons have been unfulfilling. No love you see. Some As are the same. Some As are love As. That makes them different. A ONS that hurts another is truly a piece of usless sh** in the litany of ones life's errors. A love A begs some questions. About love, morals, and life.
bentnotbroken Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I've been thinking about this.# The ONS isn't exactly accidental, but it is easy to regret in the way of 'I wish I hadn't done that' - mostly for me those kind of liaisons have been unfulfilling. No love you see. Some As are the same. Some As are love As. That makes them different. A ONS that hurts another is truly a piece of usless sh** in the litany of ones life's errors. A love A begs some questions. About love, morals, and life. I agree with this if it is a one time thing. Otherwise if there is a series of one night stands then I don't think there can be too many regrets because they aren't stopping.
2sunny Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 i think a person can love someone and still cheat. they essentially need to love themselves the most. a narcissist, for example. i do know that my exH still loves me, always will - he just loves himself MORE - always will. even now - while he's married to someone else after i divorced him for cheating... he still is stunned. he made it that way - he thought i'd overlook it. i'm positive he's cheating on his current wife (now married two + years). all the signs are there - he's so obvious and predictable. and no, it's not me he's cheating with.
Steadfast Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I think women and men must view these things differently. To a man, just because the relationship includes repeated sex acts, does NOT mean it's a love affair. By far most men look at even a prolonged affair as basically a series of ONSs, it is all about getting the naughty sex on the side. Anything they have to do which creates an illusion of an affair is simply a vehicle to get to the next chance to have sex. This is by far the most common affair for married men, but it's more than just naughty time. It's an ego boost too. Still, rank married guys who cheat in the same classification as married females. Flawed. To the core.
bentnotbroken Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I think women and men must view these things differently. To a man, just because the relationship includes repeated sex acts, does NOT mean it's a love affair. By far most men look at even a prolonged affair as basically a series of ONSs, it is all about getting the naughty sex on the side. Anything they have to do which creates an illusion of an affair is simply a vehicle to get to the next chance to have sex. I thought everyone was aware of this? I understand how a woman might want to romanticize her affair because that stuff tends to be more important to women, I mean the emotional part. But a man is quite capable of lying to his gf for years to perpetuate an affair, and the whole point of the affair to the man is just the sex. No research bears this statement out. Depending on the age of the cheater, the amount of money they make, their educational level, their religious affliation, where they live (country and state)...men don't necessarily see long term affairs as a series of ONS than a woman would and women don't always attach emotions more than mean do. There is more difference within the gender catagories where affairs are concerned than between those catagories. What you have stated is a general myth held by most of the population.
jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 You may have gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speach like most BSs get. This is ac2ally a profound truth that the WS is voicing here. But it's meaningless (not just because they don't really know what they're talking about) because they don't simultaneously tell their affair partner "I'm in love with you but I don't love you". It's all based in what love really is. And affairees don't know what real love is, but they are certain that they do (or they wouldn't have affairs). -ol' 2long It's simple really. You can love more than one person, but you can only be in love with one person at a time. So: I love my spouse but am not in love with her. I love my OW and I am in love with her. would be the correct statements.
jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I can kind of agree with you. My relationship with my wife diplays a lot of attributes of both phases, after nearly 25 years together. I'm of the opinion that the "in love" feelings will come and go in phases throughout a relationship a lot of time...with varying strengths at various times. But, you raise an interesting question. Can an affair...that remains an affair and doesn't progress further because the MM hasn't chosen to leave his wife...move into the "mature love" phase? I've seen it mentioned in numerous articles and books that the "in love" phase is often extended in cases of infidelity, in a lot of cases well beyond the 2 year mark that most people consider the 'normal' timeframe it can last. But...is there sufficient day to day interaction at a sufficient depth to attain "mature love" in relationships that have never progressed to the 'living together' stage? My first thought is that there wouldn't/couldn't be, because living together is a whole new level of interaction...as many people who first move in with someone find out. That's a large part of why the "in love" phase is typically extended in affairs. Just my thoughts. Although I am still in love with my MM, that first exciting hormonal phase ended at about the 2 year mark. Our love has developed into mature love. Since this relationship is my third long term relationship, it is easy for me to see that although it is an extramarital relationship, it follows the same pattern as my prior two long term relationships when it comes to "honeymoon phase" and mature love. Being a long term relationship we deal with all the issues that are in both our lives. Presently it is children's panic attacks, in-laws dementia, our own middle age afflictions, overwhelming workload, you name it. We share everything that happens in our lives and support each other. We no less live in the world with all the burdens that come with it than any other couple.
jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I totally agree with this and have stated so many times. A full time relationship is a much more all encompassing relationship than an A because the couple shares everything - even the mundane stuff and the things NO ONE wants to do. If you can live full time with someone and love them completely... THAT is mature love. It's easy to think you're in love when there are only stolen moments and little bits of time together. Ah, but you have only experienced regular relationships. I have experienced both regular relationships and an extramarital relationship, so I know by experience that there is no difference between the two when it comes to mature love.
jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Surely, you can see that those affair stresses and strains are not the same as to what donna was referring? My H being with me while my family member is puking their guts up from chemo and being there supporting me while that family member was in the ICU is not anywhere in the ballpark of the stress of an affair. Sorry. My MM supported me all through 72 weeks of chemo. Life does not stop just because your relationship is an extramarital relationship and not a marriage.
jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Well, yeah. Unless someone in the family is battling a life threatening illness, I would agree that THE biggest stress is buying a first home. What I was talking about was the day in-day out annoying crap that couples who are together ALL THE TIME except for work have to deal with. That kind of stuff doesn't enter into play in an A where there isn't a "living together constantly" situation. Here in my country mature love relationships include marriages, common law marriages, and long term relationships with separate accommodations. We have specific official terms for all three circumstances. None is consider less mature love than the other.
jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Yes, and they are trying to "conquer" these issues together. When you live together all day every day you get the mundane crap that tends to divide couples unless there is a LOT of love there. So are you saying that affair couples get unified by their difficulties while married couples get divided?
Shorty360 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I cheated on my husband and i am not sure if i love him? I care for him a lot like a best friend but i feel like the passion isn't nor has it ever been there for me in our 4 years of marriage. I feel like we are best friends living as room mates who have a great time together and have grown up together. I dont know if our marriage is over? For him he said it seemed as nothing was wrong but for me the connection besides friends isn't there so i dont see the point in saving something that i have no passion for. I do care for him.... I dont know how do i try for something I do not feel is there?
Dexter Morgan Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 It's simple really. You can love more than one person, but you can only be in love with one person at a time. So: I love my spouse but am not in love with her. I love my OW and I am in love with her. would be the correct statements. now this I can agree with. You can love someone as a person and still cheat, but there is no way in hell anyone that cheats is in love with their victim. And its being "in love" in which most people make the statement when saying they can love someone and still cheat....otherwise they'd say, "I love him/her, I'm just no longer in love"...like you said.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I cheated on my husband and i am not sure if i love him? I care for him a lot like a best friend but i feel like the passion isn't nor has it ever been there for me in our 4 years of marriage. I feel like we are best friends living as room mates who have a great time together and have grown up together. I dont know if our marriage is over? you cheated...so whether you 2 stay together or not, its basically over in spirit. For him he said it seemed as nothing was wrong but for me the connection besides friends isn't there so i dont see the point in saving something that i have no passion for. I do care for him.... I dont know how do i try for something I do not feel is there? you don't.....get a divorce and set your H free from you.
East7 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 It's simple really. You can love more than one person, but you can only be in love with one person at a time. So: I love my spouse but am not in love with her. I love my OW and I am in love with her. would be the correct statements. I think confusion comes from the fact people don't really make the difference between LOVE and AFFECTION. You can feel affection for one person and be in love with someone else. It doesn't mean loving 2 persons ! Love that vanish and dies becomes affection. The concept of being in being in LOVE is related to sexual attraction and constant desire. The intensity of the feeling is much higher than plain affection. People who have constant sexual desire for their spouses have no interest in As. Love is such an intense feeling that it becomes exclusive and leaves no room for the same feeling towards a 2nd person. When we love one person, we neglect or get distanced from the other. That's why the MAPs neglect their spouses and become distant to them. They claim to love 2 persons but in most of the cases they feel affection for BS and real love for the AP or they don't really love any of them.
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