neo261187 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Hello , I had an year long relation with my girlfriend. Recently I broke up with her due to trust issues. I am from India , and would like to let you know that most Indians are typically conservative in their mindset. Here it goes ... I was in a relationship with this girl for over three months , we both were young , and it was my first relationship . She had told me that it was her first relation as well , and we were having a great time being together. After three months I got to know that she had an ex , with a 15 months long relation. This was like a blow to me , because she hid it from me, and lied to me about it. She apologized to me for the same , and assured me that there was nothing between them physically, and they were more like friends, and it wasn't such a deep or committed relation. I considered ... that there would have been casual stuff like kissing , touching , etc. She said that she loved me a lot. I also met her Ex, since he was from the same college, and asked him whether he still has any feelings left for her, so that I would be out and he can have her. He said she means nothing to me and you can continue with your relation. So I gave her a chance , and continued with the relation , considering that her past was a past , and maybe she is not lying to me now. In this last one year I have been in a relation with her , she has been good to me , and we were actively sexually involved, and I know she was a virgin. Then after nine more months , like when it was almost an year to our relationship , her ex called me up and told me that they were in a very committed relation , and that he has done everything that there is to do with a girl , other than sleeping with her , sexually. He also told me facts like, she was the one to propose him, she was the one to breakup with him , and then she repented her decision later , and cried for him for almost a month , but he had moved on. Now I felt really cheated for she not having told me about her little bit of physical involvement she had with him , and lie to me about it even after giving her a chance. Anyone would agree , that trust is built when someone voluntarily tells you the truth , and vows to live with you happily. And it is completely broken when you get to hear stuff about your Gf from someone else , especially her ex bf. I am feeling completely let down , and my trust and respect for her has been lost. Although she was loyal to me when she was with me , she should not have hidden such vital facts from me. Later she also confessed that she had also dated a guy for like 10 to 15 days , just to while away her lonliness after her break-up with her first Bf , then realized that the guy was not meant for her . and parted ways. After going through all this , I have broken up with her , as she did not value my love and care and the trust that I showed in her , otherwise she would have not lied to me so casually about everything. I find her fake now , and dont relate to her at all. I dont feel almost anything for her. She has tried to patch up things , but all I can manage to do is talk to her on the phone. Thats it. My brain tells me to go out and find another trustworthy girl , and my heart tells me that she was not so wrong after all , and I should be back with her again. But if that would be it., I dont know how I am going to be feeling safe/comfortable with her again, and how is the trust for her going to come back? Please help me with suggestions , and sorry for the long post.
Nkognito Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 She has tried to patch up things , but all I can manage to do is talk to her on the phone. Thats it. My brain tells me to go out and find another trustworthy girl , and my heart tells me that she was not so wrong after all , and I should be back with her again. But if that would be it., I dont know how I am going to be feeling safe/comfortable with her again, and how is the trust for her going to come back? Please help me with suggestions , and sorry for the long post. I wish I had a better suggestion my friend but this woman is not set on settling down. She is stuck at the crossroads with you and another guy and now another guy. I do not see any good advice coming out of this as the two of you are not even married and if this is how she is now then you can only imagine it gets worse later. What you must do is write down the negatives and use them to guide you away from this girl. She is lost and you cant save her, she will just drag you down. Cut your losses, you deserve someone who is more decent.
Author neo261187 Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 The facts are that those guys were in her life before she met me. Not when she was with me. But then , she didn't tell me anything about it at all.
Nkognito Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 The facts are that those guys were in her life before she met me. Not when she was with me. But then , she didn't tell me anything about it at all. In that case then I would just look past it. Because every girl you get with was once someone else's. If she did not "cheat" on you as your post kind of outlines as if she did then you're fine. The problem is you're feeling loss because she has had a experience. I would stop talking to her ex-boyfriend and be happy she was with you. Look at it like this...you walk into a store, you buy a candy bar. Before you bought the candy bar other people picked it up as if they were going to buy it but did not. Are you thinking about the other people that almost bought the same candy bar you now have? No because it's yours to enjoy.
kaycstamper Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I think you spend too much time focusing on her past, but then again, the fact that she withheld information from you and lied to you, that's current behavior and I would not feel comfortable with that breach of trust. The lack of honesty would bother me more than having a past, but then I'm 58, who hasn't had a past by my age?
Author neo261187 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Exactly. The breach of trust by someone I gave all my commitment to is something that is bothering me so much. I would have been just about ok , had she told me , 'Hey , I was with this guy. Things didn't work out between us. I like you and want you in my life now.' . I would be more than happy to comply .
Nkognito Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I would have been just about ok , had she told me , 'Hey , I was with this guy. Things didn't work out between us. I like you and want you in my life now.' . I would be more than happy to comply . Ok I have re-read your post and replies. At first read, it sounded as if she was cheaing on you. Then you corrected me by saying these were previous relationships. So if I am reading your recent reply correctly then anytime you date a girl, you make it your intent to know how many past boyfriends they had? In your first post you said she "told" you she had a previous boyfriend but now she was with you. Would it not be obvious that it didnt workout and she is now with you instead of having her say it? I am going to be blunt, she told you she was with another person before you but because she did not go into the length of time she was with them hurts? I think you have "chasing amy" syndrome, you need to watch this video. Listen very very carefully to Silent Bob (guy in the hat). He will explain a story that somewhat reflects you and the fact that this is your first relationship with a girl who has previous experience.
Am4Real Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Hello , I was in a relationship with this girl for over three months , we both were young , and it was my first relationship . She had told me that it was her first relation as well , and we were having a great time being together. After three months I got to know that she had an ex , with a 15 months long relation. This was like a blow to me , because she hid it from me, and lied to me about it. She apologized to me for the same , and assured me that there was nothing between them physically, and they were more like friends, and it wasn't such a deep or committed relation. I considered ... that there would have been casual stuff like kissing , touching , etc. She said that she loved me a lot. I also met her Ex, since he was from the same college, and asked him whether he still has any feelings left for her, so that I would be out and he can have her. He said she means nothing to me and you can continue with your relation. So I gave her a chance , and continued with the relation , considering that her past was a past , and maybe she is not lying to me now. You're young -- she is young, right? She is/was keeping it from you as she does not want to be judged (based on her past) and although that may have been a mistake now that you have been told the truth, you need to ask yourself this: Does it really matter to you both now? If this is the only incident of mistruth then it probably doesn’t. If however, there have been other signs of obvious omissions (and omissions with intent to deceive are in fact lies) then you know this person has far more going on than not wanting to be judged and is likely enjoying her time with you for the time being and seeing other opportunities and options as possible one day. You may want to have a frank talk with her along these lines before making your final decision. Best wishes, Am4Real
Author neo261187 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 @Nkognito : No. It wasn't like that. I did not know about her ex bf. I got to know about it from a friend of mine. And this is my first relation with any girl. So like you say , I might be facing this 'Chasing Amy' syndrome , but what hurts more is that she lied to me that she had never dated anyone , when I had asked her about it , before I got to know about her ex from the said friend. After she figured out that I know her past , then she accepted that she had lied to me about it. @Am4Real : This was the only incidence of mistruth . However , what's more irritating was that , she portrayed herself as being someone who never dated anyone , or someone who had high morals / ethics , when her reality was quite different.
Nkognito Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 I guess you really have to weigh the outcome. Was her past important enough to have that much of a impact on her future? Could she have not been telling you because her past was such a shameful one that you were the fresh start? Maybe she was protecting you because once you knew you would come to the point you have already crossed now. What ever the case, she originally told you enough to know but your friend is responsible for the sabotage of your feelings for her. Knowing how her past went and how it ended is not going to help you.
Author neo261187 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 @All : After thinking for quite sometime , I had thought about getting back into relationship with this girl. She said she cannot be in a relationship with me , as she is going to do an arranged marriage (yeah it happens in India). So i decided not to bother her anymore , thinking that she must have really moved on , as she is thinking of marrying some guy which her parents have chosen for her. However , I got to know that she has asked a guy out for marriage, who was just her friend earlier , because she had started thinking that we dont have a future together. She had ended the relationship at that point citing the reason of arranged marriage, where infact she was asking a guy out to marry her, who she did not even know properly. Her parents knew nothing about this, and when they got to know about it , she apologized to her parents for acting stupidly and also got back into a relationship with me. However ,I take it this way that she kindof cheated on me. Because before breaking up with me , she asked the other guy out for marriage. When he said yes, she turned me down. Now she is saying that she was scared about her future , and was very insecure , and had to settle down with someone, as marrying someone in India after you have lost your virginity doesnt go down well socially. I have decided to be with her , but now I am in constant anxiety and stress about what she would do next. Should I end things at this stage. Sometimes I feel the next person that comes into my life would not gel with me as she does. Kindly suggest.
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