My big problem.

[aloneinhell]

I have been reading through some of the posts looking for direction.

Not finding much so I figured I would post.

 

About two years ago my wife/girlfriend of 7/18 years

and I decided to buy our first house. We have 3 children together,

9, 5, and 2. We talked about the stress of buying the house and how

hard it was going to be on both of us. I had to take a second job

and this was going to increase the stress on her being at home with

the kids. I wouldn't be able to be here as much to help out.

We live in the S.F Bay Area so it is quite expensive.

 

Over that time we sort of grew apart a little because I wasn't here

enough and she was stressed with the kids. We kept on this way for

close to a year. I missed the signs of trouble only because I was so

tired from working so much. I expected her to understand that, but she

expected me to come home and be her emotional support system. I do

try to do that but it was hard when I was gone 8 AM til 9 PM.

 

After the first year or year and a half of this her sister and sisters husband

who live in the same town as us lost their house. He was a drug addict

and had a hefty habit. They lost their house essentially because of his

addiction. He was spending about $2K per month on the dope and alcohol.

Unfortunately for me, the house next door to us became available for rent at

this exact time and through some act of god, or maybe the devil,

they moved into this house. Right next door....

 

So his drug use continues, he is unemployed, they have no money and it is a

bad situation. They have 3 kids too. So he is at home all day supposedly

looking for work and getting some odd jobs here and there. I start

to notice a dramatic change in my wife in the way she treats me and talks to me.

I start to get a little worried because I never trusted they guy next door.

I notice him being over in the mornings, in the evenings when I come home,

and spending a lot of time here with my wife. I see how she treats him

and the way they talk. I notice a lot of red flags but I say nothing.

I knew something was up, had the gut feeling and I was going crazy.

Eventually I was able to pretty much catch them and he was dumb enough to

give it away. He told his buddies what was going on and of course in

a small town it only takes so long to make its way around. He also

asked my wife if "I know" and I was lucky enough to walk in the kitchen

just as he says it.

 

She denies it and swears up and down it isn't true, she even said she

would take a polygraph test. After the third time of her saying she

would do that I say ok. At first I thought it was kid of ridiculous

to do that but I agreed. She was given the test twice by the examiner

and failed the relevant questions both times, but passed all control questions.

I told her if something went down, we both know it did, that she should come

clean with me for the sake of our kids at least. At least if she is honest

there can be something to build trust from. She still denies it to this day.

 

In all the talks we have had, I know she is remorseful, and I know she

maybe even regrets it. She asks me if I believe that she did that how I

could be with a woman that would do that to her sister. I ask her does she

want me to leave her and eventually I do. Of course she begs me to come

back and swears she will change and do anything to save our marriage. The

problem is I am just so angry that everything is falling to pieces.

 

So after 18 years together, I am married to a lying, treacherous, bitch.

I can't believe that after this long this is what I am being handed.

That I would be thrown away for a lying, drug addict, scumbag, who is

married to her sister.

 

My current plan is to put my house up for rent and move to Atlanta, GA.

The advice from my family is just deal with it and keep the kids. Not

to leave and just put up with the bull**** so I can raise my kids. I

really do not want to leave my kids, so bad in fact that I still sit here

today with them, while the sister and hubby still live next door. And

amazingly I haven't even gone over and beat the crap out of him. As much as

I would like to, that would likely remove me from protecting my kids and

I can't do it.

 

The situation is so impossible that I just have no idea what I am supposed to

do. Without kids the decision is clear. Divorce. Divorce laws in California

really do work in the womans favor, so I would see them about once or twice a month

while paying her all my money and I would likely be destitute. Not

a situation I envy. I did speak to 2 attorneys and they both said the same thing.

I am S.O.L because I work so much to pay for everything. She would automatically

get full custody. Who she sleeps with is irrelevant in the eyes of the court.

 

Any insight from you all would be great. I am about broken and have no idea

what to do. Should I move with the wife and kids and try to make it work somehow?

At least for a few years til the kids are older?

[imagine]

"When things go wrong, consider..."

 

This is from Scripture, but can't remember where I read it. Treacherous circumstances turned your wife treacherous. This is not to say that this is her natural condition, but she has fallen deeper and deeper into sin.

 

The easiest option is to divorce. This may not always be the best. Consider the effect of neglect on your wife. The adultery is most definitely her fault.

 

The decision is still yours!

[Fieldsofgold]

My deepest sympathies to you.

 

I would be reluctant to leave my kids, if it was me.

 

Could you move your family, wife and all, to Atlanta? At least you would not have to sit there and look at the scumbag next door. I know that the geographic cure doesn't work, per se. But a change of locale might help, and at least *it* would not be next door.

[wheelwright]

I suspect you are not in a good place to make a decision right now.

 

But then I'm not sure you will be in the near future.

 

I can only say think about the kids, and don't let yourself get shaf***.

 

The 'heart' of what you said seems to say that you want maximum contact with the kids. Think about this and how best to create this outcome.

 

I can see you are hurt, but you are having to deal with practicalities. The hurt hurts, but you need a long term picture. The practicalities will last longer than the hurt.

 

Wishing you good things,

[aloneinhell]

I suspect you are not in a good place to make a decision right now.

 

But then I'm not sure you will be in the near future.

 

I can only say think about the kids, and don't let yourself get shaf***.

 

The 'heart' of what you said seems to say that you want maximum contact with the kids. Think about this and how best to create this outcome.

 

I can see you are hurt, but you are having to deal with practicalities. The hurt hurts, but you need a long term picture. The practicalities will last longer than the hurt.

 

Wishing you good things,

 

Well the point of moving to Atlanta is I can keep my current job, and maybe a new location will somehow make it easier to deal with while staying with my kids. I am not sure. It seems she loves me but I just cannot be sure. One thing I am absolutely unwilling to do is stay in a marriage with a woman who doesn't have feelings for me. So if any women are reading this, tell me how I can determine whether there are real feelings there or not. Sometimes it seems she hates me.

[jnj express]

I am in calif---and I beg to differ with you about the outcome of a divorce/custody settlement----there are good atty's and shi**ty atty's

 

1st thing you need to do is find your local fathers rights group, and hook up with them---

 

next is to have a psyche eval performed on your children's mother---any mother who would risk her kids, by associating with a druggie, and moral pervert---is not a fit mother

 

You are not nearly as bad off as you think

[aloneinhell]

The first thing I did was contact the fathers rights legal group for this type of thing. The attorney there spent an hour with me on the phone and basically he said what I stated above. I told him the whole deal and he said unless I have photographic proof of drug use around the kids I can do nothing. I would have to prove that they did drugs around the kids. I can't do that. Only he did them anyways. The wife didn't. For the record I went through my problems and slayed those demons many years ago so I would know.

[Bryanp]

It sounds to me that she only stopped because she got caught. She twice failed the polygraph. This guy is into drugs and therefore she especially put you at great risk for STD's. She screws her sister's husband? What is wrong with this picture? What does the sister say?

 

It sounds like since she got caught she wants to maintain her lifestyle. If she was not caught it would still be going on. The fact that she probably had sex with this guy in your home says it all. Her actions indicate that she absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to be tested for STD's. I wish you luck.

[aloneinhell]

Well moving to Atlanta has some advantages for me. I can work from home and make myself primary caregiver. This will give me greater control over custody of the kids. I have to wait 6 months though. She was tested for STD's and was negative. One specifically that her sister has, HPV that can cause cervical cancer. The only reason I have really done nothing so far is because of the kids. I have to get myself in a situation that is winnable. I do not want to leave the kids under her control because I do not trust that she will be a responsible mother.

[jnj express]

I guess for now---you just need to stay in the same house with your wife---and live like roommates

 

Keep tight control of the money, and keep tight control of the kids--dry her up financially---take away her credit cards, and take her off the bank accts.-------

 

Give her no money--as long as you are together you will not be forced to give her specific money

 

You do the grocery shopping---you put the gas in the car----you control the electronics-----you do what you must-----if you do decide to take her back and continue in a somewhat normal marital situation----make sure you put a POST--NUP. agreement in place---with a duress clause

[dreamingoftigers]

That really sucks what happened to you. Definitely go the post-nup route. Is there any way to just keep your job and move into a smaller place in town?

[lkjh]

You working and providing for your family are not the reasons she cheated, let alone with her sisters husband.

 

Cheating is a character flaw and nothing more. Now of days when women cheat we try to look for reason and many people try to actually make them out to be some kind of victim of circumstance. That is all a bunch of bs.

 

Have you spoken to her sister about this? You should probably start gathering information for many reasons and the fact that her affair may not be over

[aloneinhell]

Can't stay in this town. Many of the people I know are aware of this and what is really messed up is they think it's funny. I may be blind to the ways of the world but I do know if people find something like this funny, then I don't want me or my kids around them. It would financially impossible to stay here anyways. If we split up here.

 

I already have taken control of everything. Her credit cards are in her name and I have nothing to do with that. I have my own cards and we are separate in that part of the finances. The only point we share is we are both on the bank account and I cannot remove her without her signature. I have another account where my money goes and I put money in the shared acct for bills and whatnot.

 

The move to Atlanta is well under way and we will probably leave in a month or 2. Schools and house picked out. Just need renter for my house here. Once I have that we are gone. As for staying together I like the post-nup idea. I didn't actually know there was such a thing. Any of that talk will have to happen over there in Georgia. I just wonder if Georgia is the best idea. It's the best I can come up with as a way to keep my kids and divorce her. I want full custody and that's the only way I can see to get it. Or at least most of it.

[thomasb]

Aloneinhell, first of all you aren't alone anymore. There are a lot of people here to support you.

My vote is on move. As quickly as possible.

[mark982]

moving to is not going to stop her cheating. it only stops her from cheating with this guy. you're either going to have to get to the root of the problem,or go your seperate ways. myself, after being down the path with a cheater (2x) i'd bail. end the missery now, cause sure as poop stinks,it will happen again.

[jnj express]

As to your house----you can go the short sale route---if you just wanna unload the house----if there is value in the house---it will get split up in the settlement anyway

 

If you around people that find her cheating funny----then you need to be rid of those people-----there are good people----you just need to find them

 

Someone previously mentioned what has your sister done about this situation-----its obvious your wife in her mind was not satisfied with you and the life style she was/is living------that isn't gonna change----you still must provide for your family, and you still have to work to provide----so what is she gonna do to change----or is there a change even in her

 

She knew everystep of the way what was going on---yet she chose to throw everyone's life in the toilet-----IMHO---you would be better off w/out her, making a clean start----if she has to work she is gonna have trouble caring for the kids herself---so you very well may be the better choice in a custody battle----nowdays the courts just don't give the kids to the mother----there has to be proper care available for the kids-----just find yourself a bulldog for an atty.

[aloneinhell]

I believe you are right. She will do it again. She doesn't like me anymore or doesn't like what we are doing. I dunno really. My family is on the east coast so I kind of want to be there in the event of a divorce. That's why Atlanta. As for the sister, she hates me. The wife has convinced her that I am nuts. In Atlanta I will be working from home so I have a better chance at custody. In CA I would have to keep working 2 jobs to pay for her and the kids and never get to see them. So that isn't really an option for me. If I lose the kids there is no reason for me to be in CA anyways. Nothing here for me but them so I want to take them to where I want/need to be. Schools are better there anyways and cost of living is much better.

 

The other side of the story is this. She has really kind of changed her ways a lot. She is throwing herself into the marriage in many ways and is genuinely trying to save it. To me that doesn't really matter at this point, but I guess it is a nice gesture. Without honesty, there is no trust, and without trust there can never be intimacy. So whatever there was, or what could have been, can never be because she lacks respect and integrity.

 

I hope to find the meanest lawyer I can get over there. And hopefully a hardcore judge who hates cheating. not that I have any way to prove it necessarily, but you don't need proof in a divorce.

 

The hard part is my family keeps telling me to stay with her. Just deal with it for the sake of the kids. Even my buddy who went through this is saying to stay for the kids and just put up with it. All I want to do is leave but I don't want to lose the kids. They are the most important to me.

 

As for the house, I am only renting it as a means to get away from here. I would let it foreclose, as I really don't care that much. It is 150K underwater anyways.

 

As much as it hurts to know my marriage is ending, at least she was nice enough to wait 18 years and 3 kids to tell me. </sarcasm>

Edited October 21, 2010 by aloneinhell

[jnj express]

Your family, and your buddy---don't have to live in your dead situation----so what they say is meaningless

 

You get one trip thru life on this planet, and you wanna make it as good as possible----to live a number of years in a bad situation is a horrible choice

 

Everyone says stay for the kids-----turn it around---half the time when the parent is old and can't do much the kids throw them in a home and see once a month----its a big catch-22

 

kids will be better off in reasonably happy split homes

 

Your wife is trying, cuz she is scared shi*less of having to go out on her own w/out your support/money

 

If you divorce her she now has to do everything herself, and rely on herself to get thru all of life's problems-----so she is doing what she MUST to keep you

 

You do what you need to do, and what is best for YOU----not your parents, not your buddy, not your wife, and not your kids----kids would be next in order of care---but as I said before---2 split reasonably happy homes---are better than one tension/hate filled unhappy home

[aloneinhell]

I know you are right. I am a sucker really. My parents went through a nasty divorce when I was young and I swore I would never do that to them. This whole thing brings back all those awful memories of what I had to go through. Going back and forth, not knowing whats going on, and the emotional trauma I still deal with today because of it. Then I think of my daughter and what that is gonna do to her. It really sucks that you are right but I know you are. It will probably happen in Atlanta. I can't do it in CA.

[thomasb]

Aloneinhell, Unless you live or move to a fault state, adultery won't even be an issue to the court. The judge won't even hear it.

I think you should move away from those toxic IL's ASAP. Especially if you have more familial support there. By the way, your wife could regain her integrity, but it is a long tough, road.

[aloneinhell]

First I want to say thanks to all of you for hearing my story. It is a rough one.

I think she just stopped caring about me a while ago. I don't know. I get so many mixed messages from her I don't know what to think.

 

I agree that the most important thing to do is get away from these people. She will have to come and maybe her tune will change. I don't know. I do have some people interested in my house now so I could be out of here December first. That would be great.

 

I am flying to Atlanta next Wednesday to pick out a school and a house to live in.

[jnj express]

Sounds like you have a plan---do what you gotta do for you----stand tall and good luck

[fltc]

I agree that the most important thing to do is get away from these people. She will have to come and maybe her tune will change. I don't know. I do have some people interested in my house now so I could be out of here December first. That would be great.

 

I am flying to Atlanta next Wednesday to pick out a school and a house to live in.

 

You need to get away from her as well, the kids will be better off with divorced parents than with parents fighting over cheating and she'll probably continue to cheat.

 

BTW, if her lover is a user she may very well be one also you need to have her tested and if she is get the children away from her immediately!

 

It may give you ammo for custody.

[aloneinhell]

That was the next part after I get to Atlanta. In Atlanta I will be working from home so I will be taking care of the kids all day as well. School, meals, the whole bit. This is the strongest point for custody that I can see. From the info I gather this is one of the most important things to the court. Who is actually looking after them all day. If that's me then I think the court will see it in their interest that it remains this way. At least I hope. I am trying to work it that way anyways.

 

I am torn a bit thought because it is their mom. For all her faults, she actually is a pretty good mom to them when you remove the affair part of it.

She screwed me over royally but would never do anything to hurt them. Well, except have an affair that causes a divorce and ruins their future.

 

As far as her using, she doesn't. I have known her for 18 years and we have done plenty together. Like I said in a earlier post, those demons were slayed long ago, and I would know if she was doing that. I know she wasn't and isn't. I could do a hair test on her and just see the history a little.

[jmargel]

As far as her using, she doesn't. I have known her for 18 years and we have done plenty together. Like I said in a earlier post, those demons were slayed long ago, and I would know if she was doing that. I know she wasn't and isn't. I could do a hair test on her and just see the history a little.

 

And you thought the same about your wife being faithful until you found out otherwise. Don't assume.. on anything. That's the worst thing you can do.

 

As for the affair, until she can come and admit it then there is no remorse. If she can still deny it after taking TWO polygraph tests then I doubt you will ever get the true answer from her.

 

However like in most affairs, I don't believe she did this to hurt you. Whether she has done this in the past, you will truly never know. Like I said you can't assume. You would like to, but the reality of it is, is that she is capable of doing things to hurt the marriage.

 

She has not faced any consequences for her behavior, she is still in denial. So what is keeping her from doing this again? As a guy myself, we want to know WHY things happened so we can minimize something like this happening again, however since she won't even acknowledge what she did then getting to the WHY part won't be possible.

 

So the trust will continue to diminish, the love will be less and the bond will disappear between you two.

 

The only way to deal with this right now is to get counseling, not necessarily to save the marriage but to help you deal with this situation. This is a deep rooted problem that won't be solved by her being nice all of a sudden.

 

What's worse is that children learn by example, them being in this sort of situation is dangerous. If you leave CA, she can she bring up abandoment as an issue? You moving and leaving the kids?

 

Normally people won't be with a spouse for 18 years and then all of a sudden decide 'Hey i'm going to risk my health, my spouse's health, my kids welfare and my marriage to be with this dirtbag'. I don't get the feeling that this is just an out of character moment for her. I think you need to do a little more detective work as well.

 

Start making short term goals for yourself and your children. Start doing things with just them and not include her. Be distant but calm to her. Don't show the kids your upsetment. Take the anger and hate you have towards this situation and turn it into loving your kids that much more.

 

What a big red flag is, your wife trying to convince her sister that you are 'nuts'. When my wife was cheating all her co-workers hated me and didn't know this until one approached me. She had them convinced I was some lunatic because I was calling her "all the time". Well, a little explaining to them that I would call her when she would disappear for hours on end and turn off her phone.. to find out she was with an ex.. Kinda clear things up to them. That pissed me off just as much as her going off w/ this guy, to label me someone like that when it was her who was creating this awful situation.

 

Do not tolerate ANYMORE disrespect. Make it clear that unless she comes clean there is NOT going to be a marriage anymore. If she does come clean there still is no guarantee that you will want to stay in it. Goto counseling and invite her to join. If she doesn't come clean and face these consequences then it's only going to continue. It's time for you to also talk to her sister. By not doing so you are tolerating all of this.

 

Time to get some self confidence! Set strict boundaries on what is acceptable to you in regards to what your wife says and does while you are still living there.