kmm111 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 My MM and I have separated from our spouses and are now living together like we had both originally planned. We are very happy and things have been going really well, considering that his wife is bi-polar, extremely vindictive and not handling things well. I have really no contact with my husband anymore but MM has a biological child with his wife and one stepchild so obviously his contact with her is inevitable and will be for a loong time. Despite everything that has happened, I believe she'd take him back in a heartbeat. She texts him literally 25 times a day about the kids (it's always her texting him and not vice versa). He goes to her house 4 times a week to pick up his son and it bothers me when he tells me that he stops in to help her do this or that, or that he ended up eating dinner there because "she made extras". I have no doubt that he loves me and feels that he made the right decision by leaving...should I just accept this as something that has to be because of the situation??
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Yes. Accept it. You trust him? Then let it go. Bottomline is, if he cheats on you with her, or goes back to her, it'll have nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with him. There isn't much you can do except be honest and tell him your fears. The rest is up to him. If he loves you and is done with his marriage, doesn't want her back then try to relax.
Minnie09 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Well, if he left her for you, then he might have some guilty feelings towards her, especially because of her mental health problems on top of that. He probably feels like he let her down, plus they have a child together, which compounds the problem and the guilt. How is his ex doing? Does she have a new partner? Is she getting treatment? Your mm might have second thoughts, too. This going back and forth between his family and his new woman (you) might stop as soon as she has a new man in her life. Until then, let him take care of them. She has a hard enough life, IMO.
bentnotbroken Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 It's part of the situation that was created. Either you trust him or you don't. What is there to be anxious over...he chose you?
Owl Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I'm going to be the voice of dissent here. I wouldn't expect you to be comfortable with too much continued contact with his ex-wife. There's a definite risk in their maintaining too much communication between them...it absolutely could result in a re-kindling of what they had and cause THEM to become the affair. We've seen that happen several times here on LS. Tell him how you feel...discuss comfortable "limits" on his interactions with her.
OWoman Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I'm going to be the voice of dissent here. I wouldn't expect you to be comfortable with too much continued contact with his ex-wife. There's a definite risk in their maintaining too much communication between them...it absolutely could result in a re-kindling of what they had and cause THEM to become the affair. We've seen that happen several times here on LS. Tell him how you feel...discuss comfortable "limits" on his interactions with her. I agree with Owl. If you find his behaviour making you uncomfortable, you need to tell him that, and he needs to hear it. While he clearly does need to see his child/ren, contact can be formalised in a way that both you and his fW are comfortable with - after all, he's respecting her comfort levels by not taking you with her when he goes, so he likewise needs to respect yours by ensuring you're OK with the arrangement if he's invested enough in the longevity of your R. There are many ways of doing that, and you need to discuss what you and he would both find acceptable. If you are too understanding, and set too few boundaries despite being unhappy, you are setting up a dynamic where your needs get shelved and his (or hers) get prioritised, which is not healthy for the sustainability of your R. He needs to know where you stand on things, and you need to feel free to tell him. If he's unable, or unwilling, to place the same level of consideration on your needs as on his fW's, then you will always be second best in his estimation, despite his having left the M. I hope things work out for you.
Silly_Girl Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Agree with OWoman and Owl. I'd be concerned that she may read too much in to this contact, and if she's already struggling then no one wants to allow her to have expectations that simply won't be met. It's a give and take but I think it's worth treading carefully.
2sure Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 If he is living with you, yet still eating dinner there when invited and still helping her with things other than the children, and still willing to receive and answer texts to the tune of 25 X a day.... He still wants both and thats what he's got.
goingstrong Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 He still wants both and thats what he's got. No doubt......
Brokenlady Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I've been there. His boundaries feel too loose with her right now and if you don't say anything you will just grow to resent him more and more. How would he feel if you did the same non-kid related stuff with your ex? I agree wholeheartedly with owoman.
Confused4Now Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 If he is living with you, yet still eating dinner there when invited and still helping her with things other than the children, and still willing to receive and answer texts to the tune of 25 X a day.... He still wants both and thats what he's got.Being that my xW shows bi-polar tendencies I can assure you this situation I can relate to. 2 things which were brought on other people's post. When my ex goes through her episodes will text me 30x's a day. This is for certain she would take him back. My ex would take me back as well. The other thing I early on I was eating food and fixing things around the house. This clearly sends MIXED messages to her. That he still cares....this is the number one thing I had to stop. I just go and pick up my daughter and drop her off. Please let him know you are not comfortable with this.....I will tell you this as well. A lot of the reason why I did stuff was out of guilt. However I never had intention of going back. It's quite possible that he has no intention of going back .....cause I didn't.
Tsm Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I would be uncomfortable, i would tell him how i feel about him spending too time with her and hopefully he would look at it.
Sexiness Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Besides the situation with his W, how are you guys now that you live together?my mm and I are about to do the same but I'm scared cuz I don't want things to change (feelings)
Dexter Morgan Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 My MM and I have separated from our spouses and are now living together like we had both originally planned. We are very happy and things have been going really well, considering that his wife is bi-polar, extremely vindictive and not handling things well. uh.....having your husband effing someone else will cause those ups and downs in emotion...which you will conveniently label as bi-polar. if she is bi-polar, its because she has a louse for a hopefully stbX husband. She texts him literally 25 times a day about the kids (it's always her texting him and not vice versa). He goes to her house 4 times a week to pick up his son and it bothers me when he tells me that he stops in to help her do this or that, or that he ended up eating dinner there because "she made extras". I have no doubt that he loves me and feels that he made the right decision by leaving...should I just accept this as something that has to be because of the situation?? yup
fooled once Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 If he is living with you, yet still eating dinner there when invited and still helping her with things other than the children, and still willing to receive and answer texts to the tune of 25 X a day.... He still wants both and thats what he's got. I agree You do have to accept that they have a child together and that child WILL bond them forever. I will always have a 'bond' with my ex because of our son. Thankfully, he was never involved; and I haven't spoken to him in a long time as our son is grown. But they could always have contact due to the child - I know of someone whose children are grown and her ex contacts her all the time. I do not believe you can tell him what to do. You can tell him you are uncomfortable, but that is your issue, not his. What makes you uncomfortable? Do you not trust him? Do you think them eating together is going to cause him to fall back in love with her? See, that is what I don't understand. If he loves you, then he loves you. How long has he been separated from his wife? Can I ask why you two moved in together so quickly? Are you worried that if you didn't, he would return to the marital home? If so, then I believe the relationship isn't as strong as you would want. All you can do is talk to him and tell him how you feel. It is up to him to decide how he wants to handle things. Good luck.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 My MM and I have separated from our spouses and are now living together like we had both originally planned. We are very happy and things have been going really well, considering that his wife is bi-polar, extremely vindictive and not handling things well. I have really no contact with my husband anymore but MM has a biological child with his wife and one stepchild so obviously his contact with her is inevitable and will be for a loong time. Despite everything that has happened, I believe she'd take him back in a heartbeat. She texts him literally 25 times a day about the kids (it's always her texting him and not vice versa). He goes to her house 4 times a week to pick up his son and it bothers me when he tells me that he stops in to help her do this or that, or that he ended up eating dinner there because "she made extras". I have no doubt that he loves me and feels that he made the right decision by leaving...should I just accept this as something that has to be because of the situation?? Ok, this is something that you need to talk to him and let him know dealbreakers on. I have been divorced from my first H almost 6 years. And I can honestly say even though we've been on good terms that I have never eaten dinner with him, ever. The only time was that gray area time before I told him I was never coming back. This is not ok. And if you don't say anything now, it will be the future. He needs to stop answering text messages. Keep the visitation arrangement and that's it. There's no reason for 25 text messages. That's desperation. Remember, you're not lucky he left. He's lucky you're still there. GEL
pureinheart Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Yes. Accept it. You trust him? Then let it go. Bottomline is, if he cheats on you with her, or goes back to her, it'll have nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with him. There isn't much you can do except be honest and tell him your fears. The rest is up to him. If he loves you and is done with his marriage, doesn't want her back then try to relax. This is priddy much it here...you don't have control over him and his actions/inactions, just you. He is going to do what he wants (like most of us do). All you can do is tell him how you feel...and hey one thing I noticed in me is I kept harping on the same thing like continuously "communicating" my feelings was going to change the sitch...nope, say it once and then roll if it doesn't change....
Author kmm111 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Thanks for all your replies. To comment on some responses - I don't believe he has ANY intention on going back yet he does feel very guilty for what has happened. I believe that when she does ask him for something (like helping with something in the house), he won't say "no" because he has already hurt her enough. Plus the kids live there obviously and he is VERY close with his child and stepchild. I guess it's a little jealousy on my part. She seems a lot more forgiving of what he did than my husband is of me (and they both know the exact same story) and even though he did choose me, of course there's the worry that he will start missing what he had and WANT to go back, where as I do not have that option. It's all still really new (only been 2 months and she hasn't started dating again or anything) so I think I will see how it goes and if I continue being bothered by his actions, I will have to say something. You are all right, I cannot control his actions but at least he will know how I feel and then decide what to do from there.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I guess it's a little jealousy on my part. She seems a lot more forgiving of what he did than my husband is of me (and they both know the exact same story) and even though he did choose me, of course there's the worry that he will start missing what he had and WANT to go back, where as I do not have that option. This jumped out at me. So, are you saying that if your H was as forgiving as your MM's exW was, that if he went back to his wife (by choice) you would then by default, go back to your H if he wanted you back? Doesn't matter if they know the same story, your H and his W are two different people and have two different outlooks, feelings and reactions to infidelity. Maybe your H is once you cheat, you're out forever, no matter what. I guess I don't understand when you say you don't have that option, like you don't want to be alone if MM goes back to his wife. (I say big IF actually since he's let you know that isn't going to happen..)
Author kmm111 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 This jumped out at me. So, are you saying that if your H was as forgiving as your MM's exW was, that if he went back to his wife (by choice) you would then by default, go back to your H if he wanted you back? QUOTE] Oh absolutely not. I now more than ever realize my husband and I are better off NOT together. I'm just saying that I think a little of my jealously stems from the reactions of our spouses - but then again, she HAS to have contact with MM because of the child whereas my husband can just move on and forget about me, which he has.
bestplayer Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 This jumped out at me. So, are you saying that if your H was as forgiving as your MM's exW was, that if he went back to his wife (by choice) you would then by default, go back to your H if he wanted you back? QUOTE] Oh absolutely not. I now more than ever realize my husband and I are better off NOT together. I'm just saying that I think a little of my jealously stems from the reactions of our spouses - but then again, she HAS to have contact with MM because of the child whereas my husband can just move on and forget about me, which he has. your H can move on but he can't just forget about you . For you it might seem simple but for him the truth is he was dumped by his wife for some one else . So for him it will take long time to get over the betrayal , no matter how much you want downplay it .
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