Hurting badly and at a BAD time!

[cozenedindigo]

I'm 21, and I just had a 5-month barely there relationship in which boundaries and intensity levels just shot off in all sorts of directions. The guy was traveling, met me in my city, we had an amazing week together, after which his visa expired. Two months later he was back for my 21st birthday, and after 10 days just decided to stay on until the end of his entire trip, he basically stopped traveling to be with me.

I moved out of home last year to get away from an extremely abusive dad and show my mom that she could do the same. About the same time this guy came back to see me, my dad had gotten hold of keys to MY apartment, left my mom and moved there! So I was homeless, and this guy was staying in town for 3 months, and instead of moving right back in with my mom I stayed with him.

So basically, after a fairytale week of being together, we were in this situation of living together almost instantly. I have a history of dating emotionally unavailable men but this guy treated me so well, everyone from my best friend to eventually even my mom told me he seemed so different. It felt like he genuinely cared for me, and he chased me very hard for a relationship in the beginning...during the time we were living together, my family life was in tatters, we found out my dad had been cheating on my mom for 8 years...which led to me being very depressed and some conflict in my relationship with the guy.

To cut a long story short, he left 4 days ago to go back to his country. Towards the end he had stopped putting energy into the relationship even though he constantly said he cared about me and felt a lot of love for me. It was a lot of "I've never felt this way before", "You're the person I love most in the world" but also "I'm an *******" and "I hate myself for being like this and not being able to handle fights, I need a perfect relationship in which i feel that we are invincible".

Before he left we decided we could not have a LDR if he was not going to put energy into the relationship. He left a door open and said he would deal with his issues and come right back if he could. But I just feel abandoned all over again. I would say the relationship ended because of a mixture of distance and lack of security and readiness on both our parts.

Right now, I NEED to focus on my mother, who is alone for the first time in 36 years. I also NEED to focus on college applications which need to be sent in early in order for me to get scholarships. I do not want to remain stuck where I am right now and want to move on to a great University next year. But I've spent the last eight years embroiled in relationship drama of some sort or the other, and this last was just too much. I am having difficult moving past the pain to mobilize myself into action and I do not want to regret spending so much time grieving somebody who ultimately may have loved me, may have cared for me, but not enough to put energy into making us work (and certainly not as much as he promised, the moon the stars and the universe) when I could have spent it trying to build a better future for me and mom. Truly she is all I have in the whole world apart from friends. I just don't want to feel so attached to him and although I realize its a process that will take time and encompasses much deeper issues, I really want to get some perspective on this.

Sorry for this long post and hope some of you will reach out to me in compassion and comfort. I realize I have been VERY stupid but please realize I am hurting incredibly right now, crying even as I write this and I just don't want to feel so rejected.

[reknown29]

its hard to grasp, but you cant change someone's feelings. the best thing to do is get it out. cry as much as you can. let it all go. after that you will feel like a weight has been lifted. then try not to think of your ex. whenever you start to think of him, jump to another thought. maybe a class you are taking, or a girlfriend of yours, or even a landscape that you remember. always jump to this thought and forget about the ex. this is where i am at. i am starting to become conscious of how much i have been obsessing over the loss. it does do anyone any good. you MUST move on. there are 3.5 billion men in the world... you can do it. you WILL do it. move on. forget. stop obsessing. ...and if you find me posting again and obsessing, tell me to stop too!! were not alone.

[cozenedindigo]

thank you...I sure will tell you to stop it if I find you doing the same...

weird day today because last night, with the help of my best friend, I made the difficult decision to de-friend and block him on Facebook. This seemingly silly thing became important in my head as being some sort of bridge to his coming back. But I told myself he doesn't need to be reminded of my value or worth and if he truly loves me the presence or absence of my Facebook page isn't going to change that. Additionally, my best friend wrote him a polite email saying the bridges are not burned and that he can contact me via email IF and when he is ready to put energy into the relationship. Then today woke up with the weird thought of him starting university and not being able to share that with him, despite working on his application process along with him...and yes, I will be honest, to idiotic jealous thoughts of him meeting someone else. It's been five days. Best friend wrote to him because I didn't want to break NC. It gets really hard. But I got out of the house, went volunteering, met up with some people...best friend says he replied with a three paragraph email saying he understands about the de-friending, loves and misses me a lot, is scared that I'll forget about him, has been crying and wanting to write to me but doesn't want to do it until he can do it properly. Basically it comes down to the same situation it was when we broke up...he says he loves me, but evidently not enough to come back immediately...but the mail was not negative about the relationship, it just said his head was messed up right now and he didn't want to mess me around...which in my experience translates to ultimately him never coming back. I know I sound pessimistic but look where all that optimism got me. It's hard to go on without him especially feeling the way I do about him, and ultimately he did ask me not to wait for him...so I just don't know what else to think except I had better move on, stop obsessing, and fast, because my mom and my future both really need me to work on them right now. And frankly, a partner is supposed to make this time easier, not so much harder

[reknown29]

I thought of deleting my girl on facebook. I keep looking at her wall and seeing posts from the new guy she is dating. They are city hipsters and always doing things... my ex girl is a prof model and is always in the elite crowd. Its hard to lose that treatment as well as the person I love. But again, we have no choice. They dont want us. We have to cry it out and move on. they are not thinking of us. I recently saw her and she said she never thinks of me and that she is so happy now in her new situation. the wounds keep getting deeper. I am being strong. I am moving on. Reality is she did not see what a gem she had. I am a rare find and extremely caring. She ***d up. So did your guy. When you find yourself thinking about him try to chat with someone. ..I found myself all morning thinking of my ex and how I cant believe what she did to me and the things she said. I cant help it but the road to recovery is realizing when were are thinking of it and that we have to stop. we were in a major car crash. The wounds will heal. It may take time and there will be scars. We have to fight for life. there are amazing things to see and experience in the world. Do it for yourself. The past is gone. Things happen to help you evolve. Next time you will know to gradually give your heart out and never to lose yourself in someone. You always come first. Its a hard reality that most of us here have to learn. Stay strong.

[quankanne]

he says he loves me, but evidently not enough to come back immediately...but the mail was not negative about the relationship, it just said his head was messed up right now and he didn't want to mess me around...which in my experience translates to ultimately him never coming back

 

I feel for you, but in reading your comments and his comments, I feel oddly hopeful for y'alls relationship because of what you've posted. It sounds like he's pulled away from the relationship a bit because he doesn't know how to otherwise handle the separation without being cruel. And for him to say that he doesn't want to mess with your head, it shows a certain respect – and restraint from doing something boneheaded – for the relationship itself. My guess is that he's hurting just as badly, but because he's a foreigner, he's not in a position to just pick up and move back. So your comment about him "evidently not (loving) you enough" strikes me as unfair because you're expecting him to be just like the others when he isn't ...

 

give yourself a bit of time to process everything that's going on in your life – your dad commandeering your home, your mom being pushed out into the rain, your guy leaving – and then slowly figure out a game plan for that last part, the one dealing with him. Because anything's possible ... my husband was from the other side of the country, working in my college town as a civil servant when we met, and we were a long-distance relationship for about two years before we married (and did THAT ever come out of the blue, him saying he wanted to marry me, because it was more like an FWB relationship to me!). In June, we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.

 

so don't give up hope with this guy if he's who you really want to make a future with. Let him know that you miss him too, but right now you've got to focus on immediate needs, like helping your mom figure out her life and getting school under your belt. Sometimes just being forthright in your communication is your best bet – if you're not comfortable with talking directly to him, let your friend help as before, and see what happens. I'm pulling for y'all, kid!

 

in the meantime, check around the city to see if there are any programs that can help your mom get back on her feet – try the local churches, the colleges, the women's shelter ... heck, even ask at the library, because if anyone knows it'd be them.

 

best of luck to you,

q

[cozenedindigo]

thanks a bunch for all your support. I understand why you said what you did about me being unfair to him. I'm not saying that he is incapable of respect or that he doesn't care for me. I know we both care about each other a lot. It's just that he's really good at saying all the right things, but he fails to follow up on them. I had a couple of red flags early on because he immediately fell into a relationship with me, and even though I was overwhelmed with the strong attraction I felt for him, he was the one who threw caution to the wind and promised me much more than he could ultimately deliver. He was supportive and loving when things were good, but maybe the relationship was too premature for him to handle the extreme pressures that my family situation put on my life just when he was here. Plus, we both had unfinished relationship situations when we met, which led to disappointment on both our sides eventually. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly went wrong because in spite of all this we never stopped feeling that extreme care and love for each other. However, he knows perfectly well that out of all times that he needs to be around, this one was it -- and he still left me alone, which hurts like hell (I am not referring to the physical separation here, but the fact that the relationship was in limbo because of his doubts). One and a half months before he left, he had already verbalized that he was tired and was not able to put energy into our relationship, and I was carrying it on my back...until the last week when I asked him directly what the deal was, and he said he couldn't give me what I need and deserve at the moment. He also admitted that since we had discussed it I had really made a lot of effort and he knew that he could trust me about the relationship. So ultimately this guy who was so sure about us told me he loves me, cares for me, wants to be with me, trusts me, respects me, but has too many issues in his own head to deal with the fights we already had. I know in my heart that if I was in the same situation I would not just exit the relationship but try to work through it. That's why I feel so let down...I hope you understand.

[cozenedindigo]

I think you should go completely NC. I'm doing it now and it's really hard, but I think it's the way forward. You're right, it is totally her loss, and NC and time will both bring this into proper perspective. Good luck to you