sassafrass037 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Ok so Ill try to keep this as short as possible .... Im a newly married woman but we have been together for 5 years now. We have never really had that great of a sex life, although it was always active until this last year. Ive done so much to try and make it work- outfits, toys, porn anything and everything he could want- and we still dont have sex or any passion. Im so sick of trying to initiate things and it makes me feel disgusting and useless when he turns me away. I take care of myself Im 5'10, an active triathlete (but not manly looking in at all), have long blonde hair that gets done every month, hazel eyes, tan every now and again, always have natural make-up done blah blah blah( Not to brag or anything but just so you know where im coming from). Ive discussed this issue with him and he says he wants to have sex every day like i do but when it comes down to it hes all talk and no walk! To top it all off, we aren’t getting along that well anymore either. We bicker, fight, and he just annoys the hell out of me sometimes. Sometimes its as though he has no common sense! I honestly married him though because he is my best friend but is that enough? I want to be with someone who wants me, makes me feel beautiful, cant keep his hands off me and vise versa. Is that asking too much? Should I stay with him because he can make me laugh and he really truly is a wonderful person and will be an amazing father to the children he wants? Or should we cut our losses and our misery? Should sex/passion be the end all be all? And not that its just sex but that certainly is a huge bump in our relationship right now and has been for a while. Im scared to leave him because we have financial responsibilities, a mortgage, house, fur kids and I am scared that I will be alone for ever if I give up the nicest man Ive ever met. Im also terrified that if i leave I will ruin his life because he is not really the type of guy to go out and meet people or women.. and he so deserves a loving wife and a house full of children. But seriously .. the last time we tried to have sex it was so awkward that I relate it to having sex with Mr. Rogers ( the childrens tv character). We have already had all these talks, Im currently without a wedding band on and have been talking about a separation but its so scary and confusing, I feel like there is no right answer or winning situation. Any advice would be wonderful, thank you in advance
sb129 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 "Fur kids"- do you mean pets? So was the sex bad before you got married? Have you considered marriage counselling?
Author sassafrass037 Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 [FONT=Courier New]Yeah fur kids as in dogs And no we havent seen a councilor yet ...[/FONT]
Fouts Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Counseling is a waste of time. Believe it or not, regardless of how good someone looks, alot of times the other person just loses sexual interest in them. It's not something that can be sparked or recovered either, it kind of is what it is. Maybe focus on quality, not quantity.
giotto Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 he says he would like to have sex every day, but then he doesn't... what are his actual excuses for not wanting sex?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 We have never really had that great of a sex life, although it was always active until this last year. Ive discussed this issue with him and he says he wants to have sex every day like i do but when it comes down to it hes all talk and no walk! To top it all off, we aren’t getting along that well anymore either. Is that asking too much But seriously .. the last time we tried to have sex it was so awkward that I relate it to having sex with Mr. Rogers ( the childrens tv character). We have already had all these talks, Im currently without a wedding band on and have been talking about a separation but its so scary and confusing, I feel like there is no right answer or winning situation. It sounds like your the problem. It's your job to make him WANT to have sex with you. Looking good doesn't cut it if your a total failure on the emotional front. It's your job to make sure he feels comfortable, confident, and unpressured. If you remove some obstacles like that you may find that your sex life becomes awesome. I get a strong sense that you don't respect him, and all the fights turn him off. Since this is probably your fault... you should fix it.
Author sassafrass037 Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 Looking through all the other posts that are similar to this that are by men, everyone sides with the guy telling him to just leave and cut your losses. But I put this post up and Im a disrespectful person with all the issues . I guess this isnt a great place for real advice. Thanks for looking to anyone who did. I know i do have issues that I need to fix and I am working on them, I guess I just wanted some feed back from other people possibly in the same situation. And just to respond to a post, Im not a complete failure on the emotional front but yes I have stopped trying to MAKE him want to have sex with me. Forced sex isnt good sex either. But thank you for the post.
giotto Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Looking through all the other posts that are similar to this that are by men, everyone sides with the guy telling him to just leave and cut your losses. But I put this post up and Im a disrespectful person with all the issues . I guess this isnt a great place for real advice. Thanks for looking to anyone who did. I know i do have issues that I need to fix and I am working on them, I guess I just wanted some feed back from other people possibly in the same situation. And just to respond to a post, Im not a complete failure on the emotional front but yes I have stopped trying to MAKE him want to have sex with me. Forced sex isnt good sex either. But thank you for the post. I think I'd still like to know what his excuses are! You have discussed it, but he must have a reason for not wanting sex with you? What are they?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 and now you've given up on LS???? You stated in the first sentence that sex has never been that good..... That should tell you all you need to know. Now the usual questions and context. We get it that you are very attractive and desirable. How old are you? You really want sex every day? I know we all dream of that ideal, but I don't think that is realistic for 90% of people (even I'll admit that:o;)) to keep up a level of passion and excitement with that amount of frequency. What are your expectations in bed? Is he intimidated? Did he have a past? Did you? How are your careers? Does he or you have fantasies that you openly discuss? Is he active like you and supportive? When you say triathlete do you compete, which means a lot of training. There are plenty of questions and frankly I need more info to advise.....
Spark1111 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Sassafrass......not sure what to say here. Sexual desire and intimacy is at the heart of any long term relationship. Its the barometer of healthiness by which all other areas of a relationship are measured. And it is also an indicator of longevity. If the sex is good, it can sustain a relationship through some really tough times. And if it is not good or hasn't been good from the get-go, that speaks volumes to me. Do you want to be in a friendly and kind brother/sister relationship for the rest of your life? I think not. I think that there are many qualities you like and admire about each other. But that a long-term, intimate and loving relationship does not make. Get some counseling together and see if it is fixable. Try really hard. But if this one area cannot be fixed, I would walk away.
Kendrick Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 You can look good all day long and want sex everyday but something else is missing. Its not always about how good a person looks. It probably has nothing to do with that. I could have a man that was drop dead sexy but if his attitude sucked or was emotionally unavaliable or whatever was lacking, then that would make me loose interest real quick no matter how good he looked. I hope you can get to the bottom of whats going on.
JackJack Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I'm assuming medical issues and him possibly seeing someone else has been ruled out? Exactly what all are you bickering about? You said he annoys you, so maybe he has picked up on this and feels why bother?
nddb Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 (edited) To top it all off, we aren’t getting along that well anymore either. We bicker, fight, and he just annoys the hell out of me sometimes. Sometimes its as though he has no common sense! This says it all. He's not feeling the intimacy-so he's not going to feel anything during sex beyond physical gratification. And frankly, there's always porn and self-gratification for that. Much less hassle, not having to deal with some bickering spouse. If he senses that you think he has no common sense, he's gonna to feel that lack of respect. It's a mood killer for ALL men. Being "hot" only carries one so far in a relationship. This applies for both men and women. Your (and his) problem goes deeper than just physical. And if your response to feedback is anything like what we have seen your response here (defensiveness, hostile, cut-and-run), his response to your sexual overtures should come as no surprise. Not to say he's a saint and there aren't issues on his side. But seeing your side, red flags are glaring. Edited October 19, 2010 by nddb
florence of suburbia Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Why do you compare him to Mr. Rogers?
nycgirl6 Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Sex is important in marriage. Don't fool yourself into thinking it's not. And I know EXACTLY what you mean by Mr. Rogers!
Feelin Frisky Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 These things don't usually get better--they get worse. So, if you're not happy and are in the great shape you say, you would probably do well to cut your losses and play the field again. Staying in an unfulfilling realtionship--even if it's not terrible--because you're "friends" adds to your losses because you'll never have the time back. Good luck.
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