There's a potential new guy..what's your honest thoughts?

[GreenEyedLady]

Is it too soon to be talking to someone new? He's single...I promise. Lol well story goes like this...I met this guy back in 2007 when I was still married. Had found out he'd been having an affair, and left for a couple of weeks. My friends dragged me' out to a club to get my mind off my 'ex', well this guy was there, super sweet, good looking. We danced and hung out for the evening, even shared a brief kiss. Exchanged numbers, but when he called, I had already missed my h terribly and gone home. I told him the truth and asked him not to call anymore. He didn't. Well we ran into eachother at karaoke a couple weeks ago and both remembered eachother. He found out I wasn't with h anymore so asked a mutual friend about me' and got my number. He text me tonight. We're supposed to see eachother at karaoke tomorrow. Wow...not sure. It's crazy, but he seemed like a really nice guy and still does. Maybe worth a shot this go round.

 

You know, I think that the sooner you break the "bond" the easier it gets.

 

But no one ever seems to agree with me.

 

Just don't expect to get your prince.

 

GEL

[Fieldsofgold]

Here are my thoughts for those of us who have been in a long-term abusive relationship, or more than one abusive/unhealthy relationship.

 

The fact that we got in, and stayed in, unacceptable relationships indicates that we don't recognize warning signs in men. It also indicates that we are willing, maybe even comfortable, accepting unacceptable behaviors from others. We may not even recognize some of the behaviors as being unacceptable.

 

These characteristics of ours make it easy for us to keep getting into another abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationship.

 

After all we never meet a man and think, "this guy is a jerk and will probably mistreat me. I think I want to get to know him." We always think they are great when the relationship starts. That's because we don't see the red flags that other women with healthier boundaries might recognize right away, or at least early on in the relationship.

 

That's why I think it is so important, when one has been in an abusive relationship, to get counseling, learn what it is about us that makes us willing to tolerate less-than kind, loving treatment, and learn what red flags look like.

 

That's why I am a little concerned, Karma, about the likelihood that until you do that, you will keep finding people interesting who won't be good for you. Even when they seem on the surface to be completely different from all the unhealthy people we have known before. BTDT, got the scars to prove it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh Dexter, I love you if for nothing more than a light-hearted chuckle. That's not how it was at all. I had been out of my marital home for two weeks trying to leave an abusive relationship. We hung out...danced, had a very innocent kiss goodbye. He knew I had left my husband, nothing more..

 

ok, kind of confusing after reading: "We danced and hung out for the evening, even shared a brief kiss. Exchanged numbers, but when he called, I had already missed my h terribly and gone home."

 

took it to mean you were married and went home to him.

[KarmasTestDummy]

ok, kind of confusing after reading: "We danced and hung out for the evening, even shared a brief kiss. Exchanged numbers, but when he called, I had already missed my h terribly and gone home."

 

took it to mean you were married and went home to him.

 

Ooops, see your reference and point there. No, I was moved out, had a change of heart and went back.

[Star_Bright]

I'm glad to read that others agree that it's hard to be "just friends" with a guy. That I'm not weird or anything, ha ha. Now, I have been in relationships with guys where it turns out we'd make better friends than partners/lovers. You know, we hang out, have a friendship-level compatibility, and would miss each other after we break up, but the "spark" or romance wasn't there. Unfortunately as someone else pointed out most guys aren't looking for just friendship from a woman so the fact that we make good friends isn't usually noticed in the beginning, only after we've been in a relationship, and then it's really hard to go back to friends. I do have an ex I would consider my friend in that he was very close to my family and we co-mingled our friends and everything was great for us except that unfortunately it just wasn't "there" for me. He felt more like a friend than a spark or romance. I need that spark! Which unfortunately I have only felt for exMM and maybe a couple other guys who also turned out to be wrong for me. I'm going to wait to find the whole package. But my ex and I broke up pretty amicably and remain on "friendship" terms.

 

For me I am very best friends with one of my sisters and that relationship/ bond has fulfilled my need for friendships for a life time. I feel very blessed to have her. (Right now I'm looking at a picture frame of us that she sent me, in front of my monitor, that says "A sister is worth a thousand friends", and I find that sooooo true in my case!) And I do have other female friends than IMO are much better than going out on a "friendship date" with a guy. Less drama/tension and just the ability to relax and not worry about pressure.

 

So, for me it's my sister, some other close girl friends, a few other not-as-close friends who are also women, my ex who I would consider a totally platonic friend, but, there is that history and so it's not the same as my girl friends, and of course my other family members. So why would I want to go on a "date" with a guy just to be friends? I could see wanting to see if it there's a spark or if it turns into something great, but I honestly feel I have no need for new friends and if anything I need to work to re-build the girl friendships I've had but lost track of when I was always with exMM, whom they didn't know about. And even keep in better touch with my family members who I was pretty much ignoring near the end with exMM because I was going through so much drama I couldn't share with them and because I felt ashamed I guess.

 

So that's why for ME I don't want to date until I'm ready to fall in love again and be in a relationship. To me going on a date with a guy who's into me when I have only the intention to be friends with him (and when I'm trying to get over this recent past drama/baggage) would feel a little unfair to him and only inviting drama and complications for me. I'm trying to simplify my life for once!

 

BUT, having said ALL of that, I do understand that it feels nice to just relax and go for a fun 'see what happens' date with a guy where there's attraction. So Karma I totally see why you would want to do this and I agree you should as long as you keep in perspective that you want to take things slow and not jump into another relationship. You need to concentrate first and foremost on loving yourself (as do I). And I don't think he's a bad guy for dancing with you when you had recently left your husband. I think he sounds like a fine guy, especially in comparison with your exMM, so I say go for it if you're okay with it. Let us know what happens... was it last night??

[MorningCoffee]

I'm glad to read that others agree that it's hard to be "just friends" with a guy. That I'm not weird or anything, ha ha. Now, I have been in relationships with guys where it turns out we'd make better friends than partners/lovers. You know, we hang out, have a friendship-level compatibility, and would miss each other after we break up, but the "spark" or romance wasn't there. Unfortunately as someone else pointed out most guys aren't looking for just friendship from a woman so the fact that we make good friends isn't usually noticed in the beginning, only after we've been in a relationship, and then it's really hard to go back to friends. I do have an ex I would consider my friend in that he was very close to my family and we co-mingled our friends and everything was great for us except that unfortunately it just wasn't "there" for me. He felt more like a friend than a spark or romance. I need that spark! Which unfortunately I have only felt for exMM and maybe a couple other guys who also turned out to be wrong for me. I'm going to wait to find the whole package. But my ex and I broke up pretty amicably and remain on "friendship" terms.

 

For me I am very best friends with one of my sisters and that relationship/ bond has fulfilled my need for friendships for a life time. I feel very blessed to have her. (Right now I'm looking at a picture frame of us that she sent me, in front of my monitor, that says "A sister is worth a thousand friends", and I find that sooooo true in my case!) And I do have other female friends than IMO are much better than going out on a "friendship date" with a guy. Less drama/tension and just the ability to relax and not worry about pressure.

 

So, for me it's my sister, some other close girl friends, a few other not-as-close friends who are also women, my ex who I would consider a totally platonic friend, but, there is that history and so it's not the same as my girl friends, and of course my other family members. So why would I want to go on a "date" with a guy just to be friends? I could see wanting to see if it there's a spark or if it turns into something great, but I honestly feel I have no need for new friends and if anything I need to work to re-build the girl friendships I've had but lost track of when I was always with exMM, whom they didn't know about. And even keep in better touch with my family members who I was pretty much ignoring near the end with exMM because I was going through so much drama I couldn't share with them and because I felt ashamed I guess.

 

So that's why for ME I don't want to date until I'm ready to fall in love again and be in a relationship. To me going on a date with a guy who's into me when I have only the intention to be friends with him (and when I'm trying to get over this recent past drama/baggage) would feel a little unfair to him and only inviting drama and complications for me. I'm trying to simplify my life for once!

 

BUT, having said ALL of that, I do understand that it feels nice to just relax and go for a fun 'see what happens' date with a guy where there's attraction. So Karma I totally see why you would want to do this and I agree you should as long as you keep in perspective that you want to take things slow and not jump into another relationship. You need to concentrate first and foremost on loving yourself (as do I). And I don't think he's a bad guy for dancing with you when you had recently left your husband. I think he sounds like a fine guy, especially in comparison with your exMM, so I say go for it if you're okay with it. Let us know what happens... was it last night??

 

FWIW here's a single fOM's take. New to dating after a long marriage (and not yet healed enough for dating after the ending and aftermath of my affair), I am learning to approach dating as just getting to know someone new in the context of shared activity (no, not that activity ).

 

Most importantly, I am training myself to let go of any ulterior motive like finding a girlfriend because that just puts too much pressure on the whole deal. I think women can intuit that and it puts them off, makes them wary. But if I am attracted to someone I start to know, I want to let her know early on that I am attracted, so she does not get the idea that I will be happy with "just friends."

 

As for women as "just friends," I have two dear friends who at one time I dated but for lack of the spark or other incompatible reasons we ended up as friends, not lovers (with one, that's a good outcome; with the other, DARN!). I have one other woman friend whom I've known for years and we stay in touch but rarely see each other (never a romantic connection at all - no problem).

 

In general, men do not seek friendship with women they are not attracted to. We usually hope that if we hang out long enough, she'll see us for who we are and come to love us. My experience is it does not work.

 

So when you say "To me going on a date with a guy who's into me when I have only the intention to be friends with him (and when I'm trying to get over this recent past drama/baggage) would feel a little unfair to him and only inviting drama and complications for me." I would wholeheartedly agree.

 

Not to say you can't socialize and meet new guys -- just be clear where you are as far as it being just socializing, and not more. We guys like knowing that upfront. (Just be ready for those guys who will take that as a challenge! LOL)

[KarmasTestDummy]

I'm glad to read that others agree that it's hard to be "just friends" with a guy. That I'm not weird or anything, ha ha. Now, I have been in relationships with guys where it turns out we'd make better friends than partners/lovers. You know, we hang out, have a friendship-level compatibility, and would miss each other after we break up, but the "spark" or romance wasn't there. Unfortunately as someone else pointed out most guys aren't looking for just friendship from a woman so the fact that we make good friends isn't usually noticed in the beginning, only after we've been in a relationship, and then it's really hard to go back to friends. I do have an ex I would consider my friend in that he was very close to my family and we co-mingled our friends and everything was great for us except that unfortunately it just wasn't "there" for me. He felt more like a friend than a spark or romance. I need that spark! Which unfortunately I have only felt for exMM and maybe a couple other guys who also turned out to be wrong for me. I'm going to wait to find the whole package. But my ex and I broke up pretty amicably and remain on "friendship" terms.

 

For me I am very best friends with one of my sisters and that relationship/ bond has fulfilled my need for friendships for a life time. I feel very blessed to have her. (Right now I'm looking at a picture frame of us that she sent me, in front of my monitor, that says "A sister is worth a thousand friends", and I find that sooooo true in my case!) And I do have other female friends than IMO are much better than going out on a "friendship date" with a guy. Less drama/tension and just the ability to relax and not worry about pressure.

 

So, for me it's my sister, some other close girl friends, a few other not-as-close friends who are also women, my ex who I would consider a totally platonic friend, but, there is that history and so it's not the same as my girl friends, and of course my other family members. So why would I want to go on a "date" with a guy just to be friends? I could see wanting to see if it there's a spark or if it turns into something great, but I honestly feel I have no need for new friends and if anything I need to work to re-build the girl friendships I've had but lost track of when I was always with exMM, whom they didn't know about. And even keep in better touch with my family members who I was pretty much ignoring near the end with exMM because I was going through so much drama I couldn't share with them and because I felt ashamed I guess.

 

So that's why for ME I don't want to date until I'm ready to fall in love again and be in a relationship. To me going on a date with a guy who's into me when I have only the intention to be friends with him (and when I'm trying to get over this recent past drama/baggage) would feel a little unfair to him and only inviting drama and complications for me. I'm trying to simplify my life for once!

 

BUT, having said ALL of that, I do understand that it feels nice to just relax and go for a fun 'see what happens' date with a guy where there's attraction. So Karma I totally see why you would want to do this and I agree you should as long as you keep in perspective that you want to take things slow and not jump into another relationship. You need to concentrate first and foremost on loving yourself (as do I). And I don't think he's a bad guy for dancing with you when you had recently left your husband. I think he sounds like a fine guy, especially in comparison with your exMM, so I say go for it if you're okay with it. Let us know what happens... was it last night??

 

I've got my girlfriends but I love my guy friends for a stronger companionship and perspective. My guy friends are more protective of me, and as long as I'm honest to them about the type of guy I'm seeing I get a male version of advice they would give, say their baby sister. I tend to trust their pov better than a girlfriend who says what I want to hear fr the sake of making me feel good. Much like the movie he's just not into you.

So it was last night, and it was infect very friendly and innocent. It was by no means a date, just a 'hey I'll see you there". We chatted and are just getting to know eachother in a friendly casual environment. There is attraction there, I think on both sides...so to approach him and say I'm not interested in anything more than friends would probably be a lie and unfair to him. I'm comfortable that if he asked me out on a date, I would be willing to go. But hey, this is a good thing...very few men have conversed and hung out with me without sexual innuendos and wild flirtation. He knows where I stand and is being very polite and respectful. Wow, a weird change of pace, but very healthy.

[Star_Bright]

So it was last night, and it was infect very friendly and innocent. It was by no means a date, just a 'hey I'll see you there". We chatted and are just getting to know eachother in a friendly casual environment. There is attraction there, I think on both sides...so to approach him and say I'm not interested in anything more than friends would probably be a lie and unfair to him. I'm comfortable that if he asked me out on a date, I would be willing to go. But hey, this is a good thing...very few men have conversed and hung out with me without sexual innuendos and wild flirtation. He knows where I stand and is being very polite and respectful. Wow, a weird change of pace, but very healthy.

 

This sounds good and positive to me. Just also make sure to work on loving yourself and treating yourself like you would want the very best partner in the world to treat you. I'm glad you had a fun time!

[Ms. Red]

I've got my girlfriends but I love my guy friends for a stronger companionship and perspective. My guy friends are more protective of me, and as long as I'm honest to them about the type of guy I'm seeing I get a male version of advice they would give, say their baby sister. I tend to trust their pov better than a girlfriend who says what I want to hear fr the sake of making me feel good. Much like the movie he's just not into you.

So it was last night, and it was infect very friendly and innocent. It was by no means a date, just a 'hey I'll see you there". We chatted and are just getting to know eachother in a friendly casual environment. There is attraction there, I think on both sides...so to approach him and say I'm not interested in anything more than friends would probably be a lie and unfair to him. I'm comfortable that if he asked me out on a date, I would be willing to go. But hey, this is a good thing...very few men have conversed and hung out with me without sexual innuendos and wild flirtation. He knows where I stand and is being very polite and respectful. Wow, a weird change of pace, but very healthy.

 

 

I'm very happy for you. I've followed your story and not posted coz I'm a lurker. Anyway, I'm really glad you had a good time with him.

 

I agree with the posters that say you need to take it slow. You need to take a break and be comfortable with yourself. You kinda remind me of myself in the fact that I've been in abusive relationships and I never took a time out between relationships. I jumped from one bad one to another. I'm finally taking a break to get to know myself and figure out if I even want to be in a relationship with a man. I won't tell you how long my break is coz I don't want to bum you out. LoL

 

We woman today can be self supporting and happy with our lives and a man in our lives just adds the frosting to the cake! LoL....how's that new spin on cake-eating? I'm having my single cake and eating it too!

[KarmasTestDummy]

I'm very happy for you. I've followed your story and not posted coz I'm a lurker. Anyway, I'm really glad you had a good time with him.

 

I agree with the posters that say you need to take it slow. You need to take a break and be comfortable with yourself. You kinda remind me of myself in the fact that I've been in abusive relationships and I never took a time out between relationships. I jumped from one bad one to another. I'm finally taking a break to get to know myself and figure out if I even want to be in a relationship with a man. I won't tell you how long my break is coz I don't want to bum you out. LoL

 

We woman today can be self supporting and happy with our lives and a man in our lives just adds the frosting to the cake! LoL....how's that new spin on cake-eating? I'm having my single cake and eating it too!

 

Thanks Red for coming out of lurkdom and for following my threads. I love knowing my story resonates with other people. I've actually been for all intents and purposes single for a year and a half, with the exception of a few months with mm, which I might as well have been single based on the way it did not change my lifestyle. In that regard I've come to turns with being alone and accepting myself. Now I've dated here and there but no significant relationships have come out of it. I'm glad that I've become comfortable without having to rush into the next potential husband type obsession. But at this point and after mm I think I actually am ready to date men who are more independent, dependable, loving mates seeking something substantial. Otherwise I get flings, and that's less healthy than being with someone who wants to show me something more.

Anyway, still just a thought. I've still been talking with the gentleman, but nothing more...and guess what, exmm is still pretty far from my thoughts. That alone is so encouraging to me.