Depressed, alone, and not sure what I can do.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

I'm a college student. A senior whose tried to hook up with someone for 4 years already to no avail. I came from an all-boys school and was bullied since I was 5 years old. Before college, I hardly talked to people. I was a loner because it was easier to be alone. I left home because I knew being at home would cause me to become anti-social permanently.

 

Many of the friends I had over my first year of school disappeared or pursued different majors. I didn't party much my first 2 years of college because I was too busy hanging out with my friends from dorms, so I didn't really pursue a relationship with anyone or had the desire to do so.

 

Last year I had just 1 friend I could confide in. Everyone else drifted away. I also became lonely and wanted a relationship. So, I decided to get involved in school.I became involved in 3 different clubs and got E-board positions in 2 of them. I actively go to all kinds of events so I can mingle with more women. I thought that by talking to people and just putting myself out there I'd meet someone.

 

However, that didn't happen. Everytime I tried to meet someone, they would always throw down "I have a boyfriend" in the middle of some random conversation or they would just be entirelly uninterested with me. Most of the time its the latter.

 

Example: Right now, I am sitting inside the office of one of the clubs I'm an officer in. There are 2 girls in the office across from me just talking. However, everytime I try to greet them they don't respond and give me some sort of odd look. This happens to me often. I'm really not sure why. I'm a very polite person and shy. I'm not hideous looking, although I am balding. (cover it up with very long hair perfectly parted)

 

Another example: In the club I am a part of, half the e-board are women. Except for one of them (she's genuinely engaged and about 4 years older than me) they treat me with indifference. I'll try to have a conversation with them, but they would pretty much ignore me. Even though I am in the office with them 2 hours each day, I am always the only one talking and asking them questions. (mostly mundane, but I try some odd-ball ones to see if they even know I exist)

 

Example 3: I went to a nightclub during College Night last month, and all the girls ignored me when I asked them if they wanted to dance with me. A few of them told me they had a boyfriend (even though they were alone) and one was trying to rape me, apparently. (very odd one. She was at least 10 years older than me and kept rubbing my leg)

 

Here's my daily routine to meet people (not counting events and other things involve in college)

- Go sit at Starbucks for a few hours and talk to woman sitting alone at those tall desks.

- Sit in a new seat each class and try to align myself with a girl in class. Make some conversation.

- Sit around and do work on-campus near other people

 

I've been trying to keep this routine to a max (though I do slip on a multiple of occasions) plus club events, schmoozing in the office, community service, etc. Nothing has worked.

 

I don't know anything about woman. I read those stupid "mystery" books, but they're just too sleezy, and seem catered towards a one-night stand. I read a few self-help books, but they were all about faking my personality, which I refuse to do.

 

I just give up. I really have been trying very hard over the last 14 months. I'm crashing now. I see people in relationships in college all the time, and it seems so hard for me to hold a basic conversation with a woman before she loses interest. Its not like I can't crack a joke. I'm decently/OK funny. I can't concentrate in my school work. I'm not hanging out as much with my only friend in school. I've cried in my car a few times for feeling so lonely. Was considering suicide just a week ago.

 

I know there's this whole thread here about not being desperate. But seriously. Something's gotta be wrong with me, and I can't just ask someone what it is (which is maddening).

 

Don't know why I'm posting. Just hoping for someone with some advice I've never heard of that I haven't tried yet, I guess.

[xpaperxcutx]

The problem I am ascertaining isn't the fact that you can't meet women, it's the fact that you don't have a social life.

 

You practically have no buddies or friends with whom you can enjoy your spare time with. If you don't have a social network, then how do you expect to broaden your horizon and meet new people ( aside from women)?

 

Your other problem is that you're not anything for yourself. Joining all these clubs are merely motives for meeting women rather than because you enjoyed being in said club.

 

My question is why do you want a relationship? This is a very fundamental question because by your post, I'm getting the impression that unless you're with someone, your life is not worth living ( ie. suicide attempt). Really at this point, I don't think getting a girlfriend is a solution. Why don't you work on your relationship with the general public first?

 

Make new friends and start doing things you like. Have a passion for something else aside from whether or not you'll score with a girl. Stop sitting in Starbucks if you're not there for the coffee and go and find a hobby. Stop joining clubs because of the women and join a club where you're actually proactive for proactiveness' sake.

 

Oh and if your school has a counselor do go see one. Maybe they can better you.

[that girl]

In the club I am a part of, half the e-board are women. Except for one of them (she's genuinely engaged and about 4 years older than me) they treat me with indifference. I'll try to have a conversation with them, but they would pretty much ignore me.

Could you say something to the girl who is friendly in private like "I get the feeling Jane and Sally don't like me, do you have any idea why?"

 

It is possible that there is some reason they aren't friendly, that you are misreading things, or that these girls just aren't very nice.

 

Why can't you hang out with your friends who are now in other majors?

[skydiveaddict]

Test your limits. Join the army nat'l guard.

[xpaperxcutx]

Test your limits. Join the army nat'l guard.

 

Lol Sky.

 

Yes, I'm sure the Army will toughen him up.

[skydiveaddict]

Lol Sky.

 

Yes, I'm sure the Army will toughen him up.[/quote

 

It will for sure.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

 

My question is why do you want a relationship? This is a very fundamental question because by your post, I'm getting the impression that unless you're with someone, your life is not worth living ( ie. suicide attempt). Really at this point, I don't think getting a girlfriend is a solution. Why don't you work on your relationship with the general public first?

My reasons may be silly. Not really sure. I want someone I can confide in. Someone I can go to the park with and just enjoy being with for hours. Go and take a trip with. Someone I can have some sort of physical contact. Someone I can hug and hold their hand. I've never really dated, so I am not sure if its even close to accurate or not.

 

I went to a on-campus consular. They just said I should get more involved and go to group sessions. The groups sessions were depressing, and the members seemed to be stuck in a rut instead of trying to figure out how to solve the issue. I actually got more depressed after it was over...

[tooembarrassedtopost]

Could you say something to the girl who is friendly in private like "I get the feeling Jane and Sally don't like me, do you have any idea why?"

 

It is possible that there is some reason they aren't friendly, that you are misreading things, or that these girls just aren't very nice.

 

Why can't you hang out with your friends who are now in other majors?

 

I guess I could ask her. I don't know why I didn't think of that honestly.

 

Reason why is because engineers and business majors have contrary schedules in opposite sides of campus. I was doing civil engineering until the end of sophomore year.

[krz12]

What are your career plans? Grad school? Internship? Jobs? Do you have any?

[tooembarrassedtopost]

Lol Sky.

 

Yes, I'm sure the Army will toughen him up.[/quote

 

It will for sure.

 

I'm not against it. The reason why I did not after high school is ideological and political. I'm all for defending from an actual invasion or war, but that's really not what is happening now. I'll go into an uber-libertarian rant if I continued more.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

What are your career plans? Grad school? Internship? Jobs? Do you have any?

 

Not sure. I have to do an extra semester due to being a double major (150 cred) and I may get a Masters on top. Really out of money, though.

[xpaperxcutx]

My reasons may be silly. Not really sure. I want someone I can confide in. Someone I can go to the park with and just enjoy being with for hours. Go and take a trip with. Someone I can have some sort of physical contact. Someone I can hug and hold their hand. I've never really dated, so I am not sure if its even close to accurate or not.

 

I went to a on-campus consular. They just said I should get more involved and go to group sessions. The groups sessions were depressing, and the members seemed to be stuck in a rut instead of trying to figure out how to solve the issue. I actually got more depressed after it was over...

 

Aside from the physical contact, the rest you can pretty much do with friends.

 

Think of it this way- right now the way you're viewing your life is very small, your primary focus being females. If you can actually brighten that outlook even a little bit, you realize you can also befriend people without any type of motive ( ie. making them your girlfriends). Can you work on that? Being friendly with people because you want to be friendly and make new friends rather than because you have ulterior motives?

 

If you can't do that, then I suggest you work on actually making friends with your own gender. Where are the friends whom you can have drinks with? Friends you can confide in? Friends who ask you to go barhopping or out to parties with?

[Titania22]

Sounds like you need a passion (and not the romantic kind)

 

The need for friends and even a girl friend may seem the most pressing to you now, but I feel that there are things you need to do before that.

 

Disclaimer: These may sound ridiculous, but don't knock them until you try them.

 

Every single day, you need fresh air, exercise (brisk walking), lots of water, fruits and vegetables, sunshine (if it's shining) and to find yourself something your passionate about.

 

The passion thing is the most important, and yet possibly the hardest one out of the above. For me probably the most passionate thing I have is the desire to talk to people, which lead me to join philosophy groups where I live. The point being, not only will you be happy doing something you thoroughly enjoy, but it might lead you to people who are passionate about the same things.

 

Doing all the above is bound to make you happier, even without a girlfriend. And who knows, maybe one of those passionate people will be a cute girl, who will being passionate about you.

 

I wish you health and happiness tooembarrassedtopost.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

Aside from the physical contact, the rest you can pretty much do with friends.

 

Think of it this way- right now the way you're viewing your life is very small, your primary focus being females. If you can actually brighten that outlook even a little bit, you realize you can also befriend people without any type of motive ( ie. making them your girlfriends). Can you work on that? Being friendly with people because you want to be friendly and make new friends rather than because you have ulterior motives?

 

If you can't do that, then I suggest you work on actually making friends with your own gender. Where are the friends whom you can have drinks with? Friends you can confide in? Friends who ask you to go barhopping or out to parties with?

But that's different. I occasionally hang out with some old friends and just play Smash Brothers and some pool. But even when we had more time to hang out that's what we did. Had 24 hour sessions in playing broken strategy games and Super Smash Bros. We partied and did a lot of other stupid stuff also on the side, but that's really not what I'm looking for.

 

I'm not sure what a relationship with a girl is like other than in fiction and what I sometimes see on-campus. The only girl that was part of our circle was a nerd as well. She's still in the Anime club.

 

I'm really looking for someone who is probably the polar opposite of me.

 

EDIT: Just saying, I'm not considering suicide now. Last week I was for about 5 minutes on the freeway. Wasn't really due to that entirelly, though I'd be lying if I said it didn't. More personal, but not important. It was a split second thing. A lot of things happened in an hour span. Not really important now.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

Sounds like you need a passion (and not the romantic kind)

 

The need for friends and even a girl friend may seem the most pressing to you now, but I feel that there are things you need to do before that.

 

Disclaimer: These may sound ridiculous, but don't knock them until you try them.

 

Every single day, you need fresh air, exercise (brisk walking), lots of water, fruits and vegetables, sunshine (if it's shining) and to find yourself something your passionate about.

 

The passion thing is the most important, and yet possibly the hardest one out of the above. For me probably the most passionate thing I have is the desire to talk to people, which lead me to join philosophy groups where I live. The point being, not only will you be happy doing something you thoroughly enjoy, but it might lead you to people who are passionate about the same things.

 

Doing all the above is bound to make you happier, even without a girlfriend. And who knows, maybe one of those passionate people will be a cute girl, who will being passionate about you.

 

I wish you health and happiness tooembarrassedtopost.

 

On the sunshine thing: I'm pretty North. Sun exists under 2 conditions

1) Its 8-5pm

2) Its not cloudy, which rarely ever happens.

Wind is a constant here, so winters are pretty harsh. But yeah that's kind of random... (the whole diet thing. I do take lots of walks and I drink fluids, though its coffee due to me drinking the stuff since I was a kid because I was always tired)

 

I don't know about the whole passion thing. There's something I want to do passionately, but its after I graduate. I can't do it now because I need to go home and do it.

 

I don't get the whole rat race for careers, so that's out. I do volunteer. I enjoy it, but its not something I LOVE.

[xpaperxcutx]

But that's different. I occasionally hang out with some old friends and just play Smash Brothers and some pool. But even when we had more time to hang out that's what we did. Had 24 hour sessions in playing broken strategy games and Super Smash Bros. We partied and did a lot of other stupid stuff also on the side, but that's really not what I'm looking for.

 

I'm not sure what a relationship with a girl is like other than in fiction and what I sometimes see on-campus. The only girl that was part of our circle was a nerd as well. She's still in the Anime club.

 

I'm really looking for someone who is probably the polar opposite of me.

 

EDIT: Just saying, I'm not considering suicide now. Last week I was for about 5 minutes on the freeway. Wasn't really due to that entirelly, though I'd be lying if I said it didn't. More personal, but not important. It was a split second thing. A lot of things happened in an hour span. Not really important now.

 

Do you have another crowd of friends who don't actually spend time in front of a playstation? Honestly I'm not saying being a "nerd" is bad but you're not really making the most of your social life.

 

Enough with the anime and monopoly, I don't suppose you actually enjoy some sports or even activities that doesn't involve being in front of a computer?

 

How do you expect to meet a girl who's the polar opposite when she doesn't do any of the things you typically like to do? Basically you're trying to meet someone who you're completely incompatible with. Which in itself is a complete contradiction.

 

You might want a girl who is the polar opposite, but then again she might not want you.

[xpaperxcutx]

On the sunshine thing: I'm pretty North. Sun exists under 2 conditions

1) Its 8-5pm

2) Its not cloudy, which rarely ever happens.

Wind is a constant here, so winters are pretty harsh. But yeah that's kind of random... (the whole diet thing. I do take lots of walks and I drink fluids, though its coffee due to me drinking the stuff since I was a kid because I was always tired)

 

I don't know about the whole passion thing. There's something I want to do passionately, but its after I graduate. I can't do it now because I need to go home and do it.

 

I don't get the whole rat race for careers, so that's out. I do volunteer. I enjoy it, but its not something I LOVE.

 

I spy with my little eye... a pessimist. Geez, Titania gave you the best advice so far, but you shot her down like a cannon. What she gave you were suggestions not a complete how-to manual. No one can tell you what to do, only you can choose whether you want to or not. Where I am, it's cold, but I still make time for a jog or hit the gym when I have time.

 

I try not to incorporate " I can't" in my vocabulary because it's such a downer to constantly think I can't do anything. If I want to do something ,you can bet I'll achieve it.

 

That's the kind of passion you should be having. What is your passion now? Asides from studying and wanting a girlfriend are you doing anything else? You're not working or anything at all. Even in your own spare time by your lonesome self, I can't imagine you're just staring at your wall.

 

If you don't have a passion now, get a hobby. That in itself will help you build a routine.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

Aside from the physical contact, the rest you can pretty much do with friends.

 

Think of it this way- right now the way you're viewing your life is very small, your primary focus being females. If you can actually brighten that outlook even a little bit, you realize you can also befriend people without any type of motive ( ie. making them your girlfriends). Can you work on that? Being friendly with people because you want to be friendly and make new friends rather than because you have ulterior motives?

 

If you can't do that, then I suggest you work on actually making friends with your own gender. Where are the friends whom you can have drinks with? Friends you can confide in? Friends who ask you to go barhopping or out to parties with?

 

I know what you're saying, and I agree. I do need to broaden my social structure. That's why I got involved in clubs that involve business, community service, and religion.

 

I tried to hang out with people from clubs, but I didn't really enjoy myself. I'm not much of a gambler, and I notice that dudes who are not nerds are into poker and sports. I like watching baseball and football, but only in a casual manner. I don't follow up players or excessively debate sport stats. Its just not my thing. And I like playing poker, just not for hours and for my own personal coinage...

 

And I can't make any acquaintances with girls from clubs in any sort, but I think I'm looking for something more physical, and women seem to have a thing where everything must be categorized into a group, and it is impossible to venture out of one you are selected into. Just observation...

 

But like I said more than 3/4 of the time any conversation with a woman is either ignored or is returned "Oh I have a boyfriend already", even if I was going to call the police due to a robbery. Its honestly so random sometimes in the context they'd say it...

[krz12]

Not sure. I have to do an extra semester due to being a double major (150 cred) and I may get a Masters on top. Really out of money, though.

 

Well, after 3 years, I think you should have some idea.

 

Basically, you're me, 2 years ago. Except I was a lot worse; I pretty much never left my apartment senior year of college except to go to class and pick up takeout.

 

I bring up career because its helped me, a lot. I still have no girlfriend, but I feel like I at least have the chance of obtaining one, and that I can actually talk to a stranger without being mortified.

 

 

There's 3 things about a career I can say.

 

1. You feel good about having one, especially in today's economy. A large portion of the sub 25 crowd in todays world is either unemployed or serving coffee somewhere. And even if its sounds arrogant, or crude (and it sort of is), I do feel a lot better about myself when I look at the many class of 08 types who are going nowhere in their lives (professionally, at least).

 

2. You have something that by definition, takes away a lot of your brooding time. People will, by definition, talk to you.

 

3. You have money. And let's face it, that helps.

 

 

How about siblings? Taking trips and going to parks sounds a bit too homo for me to really consider doing with a guy friend, but its at least contemplatable with family.

 

Your smash brothers people. Do they have girlfriends?

 

Are you overweight?

 

 

 

I think you have to feel comfortable in your own skin before someone else will feel comfortable in your own skin.

 

 

 

It sounds like what you want is a friend you can have sex with once in a while. I get that, its sort of the same boat I'm in. But I think we have to figure out the friend part first.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

I spy with my little eye... a pessimist. Geez, Titania gave you the best advice so far, but you shot her down like a cannon. What she gave you were suggestions not a complete how-to manual. No one can tell you what to do, only you can choose whether you want to or not. Where I am, it's cold, but I still make time for a jog or hit the gym when I have time.

 

I try not to incorporate " I can't" in my vocabulary because it's such a downer to constantly think I can't do anything. If I want to do something ,you can bet I'll achieve it.

 

That's the kind of passion you should be having. What is your passion now? Asides from studying and wanting a girlfriend are you doing anything else? You're not working or anything at all. Even in your own spare time by your lonesome self, I can't imagine you're just staring at your wall.

 

If you don't have a passion now, get a hobby. That in itself will help you build a routine.

I said I take lots of walks and jogs. I don't do heavy lifting because its just not very meditative.

 

*sigh* My passion is to fix the schools that I came from. I see you're from NYC. There's a ton of private Jewish schools that are just utterly terrible. No soap or toilet paper. Roofs falling apart. Unpaid teachers. No extracurricular activities whatsoever. No labs of any kind. Textbook from the 80's. Highly undisciplined kids. Lots of things. So I plan on fixing them. There. I said it. My master plan has been unfolded.

 

I can't do it now because I'm just too far away, and want to have some sort of credibility (say a college degree that can look into their finances). That's my #1 priority when I get out of college, TBH (and after I get a job in the city also).

 

I wasn't exposed to a lot of different things I could do as a child, and wasn't when I got older. I'm horrible at drawing (cant even cut in a straight line. terribly shaky hands). Don't know an instrument.

 

My only hobby is tinkering with electronics, but I really don't have the money for that.

 

There must be something I'm actually doing that's wrong, and not just that I dont eat properly or exercise. Something I say or do specifically that irritates.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

Do you have another crowd of friends who don't actually spend time in front of a playstation? Honestly I'm not saying being a "nerd" is bad but you're not really making the most of your social life.

 

Enough with the anime and monopoly, I don't suppose you actually enjoy some sports or even activities that doesn't involve being in front of a computer?

 

How do you expect to meet a girl who's the polar opposite when she doesn't do any of the things you typically like to do? Basically you're trying to meet someone who you're completely incompatible with. Which in itself is a complete contradiction.

 

You might want a girl who is the polar opposite, but then again she might not want you.

Like I said, that's exactly what I was trying to do by being involved in school...

[Titania22]

 

I don't know about the whole passion thing. There's something I want to do passionately, but its after I graduate. I can't do it now because I need to go home and do it.

 

I don't get the whole rat race for careers, so that's out. I do volunteer. I enjoy it, but its not something I LOVE.

 

A passion doesn't have to be a career, it's just something that you get excited about. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning. It's that thing, that even if the whole rest of your day is a living nightmare, you can cope. It can be something really simple. It's that thing that even talking about it, energises you.

 

Of course, it's difficults if location holds you back, i.e. living in a desert and being passionate about skiing.

 

Anyway goodluck!

[Titania22]

Geez, Titania gave you the best advice so far, but you shot her down like a cannon.

 

 

Thankyou!

[tooembarrassedtopost]

Well, after 3 years, I think you should have some idea.

 

Basically, you're me, 2 years ago. Except I was a lot worse; (well thats comforting...) I pretty much never left my apartment senior year of college except to go to class and pick up takeout.

 

I bring up career because its helped me, a lot. I still have no girlfriend, but I feel like I at least have the chance of obtaining one, and that I can actually talk to a stranger without being mortified.

 

 

There's 3 things about a career I can say.

 

1. You feel good about having one, especially in today's economy. A large portion of the sub 25 crowd in todays world is either unemployed or serving coffee somewhere. And even if its sounds arrogant, or crude (and it sort of is), I do feel a lot better about myself when I look at the many class of 08 types who are going nowhere in their lives (professionally, at least).

 

2. You have something that by definition, takes away a lot of your brooding time. People will, by definition, talk to you.

 

3. You have money. And let's face it, that helps.

 

I say blah to those things. My parents were by definition poor. Made $17k each working more than full-time. We still managed more than OK. Doing something that makes a actual difference by the time I finish whatever it is I do is a lot more awesome in my book.

 

"How about siblings? Taking trips and going to parks sounds a bit too homo for me to really consider doing with a guy friend, but its at least contemplatable with family."

 

No siblings. Older parents.

 

"Your smash brothers people. Do they have girlfriends?"

 

No. Seriously. But they don't really care, either. Like I said, I kind of parted ways unintentionally by switching majors.

 

"Are you overweight?" I dono. Depends on society standards. 6'1 and 189-192 lbs depending if I ate ice cream or not. I have a slight double chin if that matters...

 

 

 

"I think you have to feel comfortable in your own skin before someone else will feel comfortable in your own skin.

 

It sounds like what you want is a friend you can have sex with once in a while. I get that, its sort of the same boat I'm in. But I think we have to figure out the friend part first."

 

I don't know. I'm fine with having a girl-friend type of person. I just want to hang around more with girls. They seem just uninterested even in conversation. Its not like I ask every girl I see. I'm awful at flirting. I just usually try to talk about something, which is what I'd do no matter what I would be looking for. Sex or no sex.

[tooembarrassedtopost]

A passion doesn't have to be a career, it's just something that you get excited about. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning. It's that thing, that even if the whole rest of your day is a living nightmare, you can cope. It can be something really simple. It's that thing that even talking about it, energises you.

 

Of course, it's difficults if location holds you back, i.e. living in a desert and being passionate about skiing.

 

Anyway goodluck!

 

That really sounds way too vague... Dexter kills people for passion. Is that what you're saying? I should be a serial killer?

 

I thank you and really do appreciate the advice. I'm just not sure what you're talking about...

 

I'll clarify: I don't know what being passionate about something really means. I've heard the term, but never saw someone actually really into something THAT much.

Edited October 19, 2010 by tooembarrassedtopost